oh how the year roll by

Im 19, thats one year since i took my last drink of alcohol, one year since i had my heart shattered into more pieces then i knew was possible. 4 years since i moved out of my mom's house, 4 years since Ike has been my best friend. 4 years since Laura has been in my life. 8 years since I met bonnie, 7 years since I became a rough version of who i am. 2 years since my first boyfriend, Calvin. 10 months since i became an adult, 10 months since i realized you never really are a grown up.
Even after all of this changing I've done, theres still things that haven't changed.
I still fall in love with unique boys, and i never get them, because i dont talk to them, i just talk about them. I still read nothing but teen aged romance books. I still watch nothing but chick flicks. Im still one of the most critical people i know. I still hold things in until they explode. I still hurt the people i love the most.
I still let the same people hurt me over and over and over. I still have to figure out who i really am about twice a month. I still tell my mom everything about my life, good or bad. But I still am so independent it's scary. I still hate excepting help or favors, and i especially still hate asking for help or favors.
I still sleep with my baby blanket, I always have. I still hate judgmental people. I still paint my heart out, i just paint very different things. im still trying to grow my hair out long. I still wear Black eye liner and water proof mascara everywhere.
I still value my friends, just now i value my family as well. I still act on impulse. And i still regret it sometimes.
When i get mad i still swear like a sailor. I still can down a 4ltr. of milk in a day. I still hate brown bread (but i eat it cuz it healthy). I still put stickers on everything. And i still laugh at the telus commercials with the animals. I still listen to the same ashlee simpson CD i bought when i was 13.
i still play the guitar, just for different reasons. I still want to be famous.... i just want to be famous for my mind and words not my voice. I still think my opinions are the smartest way to look at the world. i still watch the disney channel, just now i watch Hannah Montana instead of Lizzie Maguire.
I still have huge crushes on famous guys, just now they are usually underground B grade kinda famous, not josh hartnet orlando bloom famous. I still want to write. I still say like way way way to much. And do really stupid things in public. I still sit at the front of a room. I still am obsessed with religion, just now i stopped asking rhetorically questions, and started finding some answers. i still sing in the the shower to hilary duff. I still remember events and the past better than any normal person should. I still Lye about my dad.; And i still hate talking about him. i still spend mass amounts of time on the Internet, just now im looking at notes for school and facebook, not downloading ever word that ever came out of good charlottes mouth. I still love sleeping until noon, and then doing nothing for the rest of the day. My room is still a disaster area. I still think my little brother is a brat, i just have alot more respect for what he's been through.
I still have the same dresser, i just painted over the avril lyrics and painted pictures on it. I still dream up my alternate life when im bored, and right before i go to bed, the world where ever thing i want is mine. I still love music, it just isnt center of my life. I still spell things so so wrong.
I still stay up way to late, and wake up way to early. I still snort when i laugh when im really tired. And i still act stupid in a room full of people i trust. i still wear my heart on my sleeve, and if you look hard you can still figure out everything in it. I still put the same songs on mixed CDs, Hot Hot Heat anyone?lol. i still flirt without knowing it, but still cant flirt purposefully. I still love every friend i ever had in my life, even the ones that dont love me anymore. Alex can still not embarrass me in public, no matter what he does.
I still drive like a maniac. And yell at slow drivers. I still am in love with animals, just now i dont own any and dont eat them. I still dream of seeing the world.
Im still so me, it's scary.
I've grown up so much, I have seen so much, learned so much. But somethings they never change. Im not even close to being a grown up. I just dont write my feelings in a pink sparkly journal anymore. And i defiantly have a better fashion sense.
But there are things that will never change in everyone....and somethings that do.
All i know is im so grateful for every memory and personality trait i have and had. With out them I wouldn't be the person who i am today, and what a shame that would be. lol
Happy Mothers Day all you Mothers, And take a second to look at those kids you have, cuz in a few years they will so different you wont be able to believe it. But they still be yours. and thats something that will never change.

Hair Dying Extravaganza

I think the first time i dyed my hair, i was 13. I was determinded to dye it, and it took my cousin J&T to convince my mom off it. T told my mom that there was a lot worse things i could do at 13, at least i wasnt bring boys over. J told my mom that she had dyed her hair about as young as i was. And so it happened i got my way. And i purchased a box of burgandy hair dye. All i wanted was two streaks at the front and the bottom all around my hair burgandy. And i did it. i was hiddious now that i think back. but i loved it.
After that many more dye jobs followed. I was orange and fire engine red, black, blonde, brown, purple, pink, blue.
But the older I got the more i have realized that the wild colrs arnt for me. The first time i dyed my hair after moving out, i picked a color call gingerbread. It was cute brown with a little ting of red. And today it will be a dark brown, not black but close.
And through all these years i have discovered a few things about hair dying.
1. the experts say black never comes out, this is true but, red is worse. red Stains your hair, it seemed that no matter what color i dyed my hair it always faded to red.
2. blonde should always be done by a pro. unless you enjoy orange or green hair.
3. Let your hair recover 6 months is good before you dye the whole thing again.
4. hair dye doesn't change you for more than two days.
I love to dye my hair, watching the color run down the sink after words is alway an exciting thing. But let us remember that green, blue,pink,orange, burgendy, and blood red, should me done while you are in your younger years. After graduation life gets a little to important for pink hair. Even though it is the best color of hair!

smart in a stupid way...

more often than not, I have moments when i realized just what im doing with my life. These moments usually, lead to impulsive life altering situations. I often see that im leading my life no where, sometimes it's just a starter path that takes to long. Sometimes I need to change my person, but never changing those things are me down to the very core.
I would say that i am a very smart girl.....
I would say I make more than my share of stupid mistakes.....
I would deffinatly say that sometimes i wish i want so impulsive....
I would never want to change it.
After these moments i usually find someone to remind me that these stupid moments that lead to impulsive desisions, are what have made my life so amazing.
But regaurdless this is who i am.
I realized that I am rather stuck, and this is something i hate. When i realize that im stuck i freak out. Something about being held down makes me crazy. But i guess theres nothing i can do. oh well.

the dawn is breaking

As some of you well know for the past eight months i have been living in a house of 4 other girls. we alllwent to high school together, and for the most part enjoyed being together. But as this new phase in my life is coming around, i realize just how much i have learned from these past eight months. We have all finish our first year/semester of college/university, and now is the time that we pack up hug each other good bye and set out on our own paths. But as i stare down this new path i will be trekking the next four months, i can't help but laugh at the past eight that brought me here.

The first thing i will be eternally grateful for, is never having to realize that E has done 16 loads of dirty Landry in on day with out cleaning the lint trap. and then pulling it out, only to have a few tons of pink lint burst in my face!

Secondly I will not miss the mounds of towels that litter the bathroom counter. Stumbling into the bathroom early in the morning to wash my face, and discovering that every towel we own is now lying about the bathroom, sickly dirty, from lack of being washed, all the while my face dripping wet.

Next i will so not miss the drama. I have no drama, this could be considered a blessing or a curse, take your pick. But my room-mates..... oh no i dont think you know drama till you live with two young Ladies brought up in the gossip capital of the WORLD! Even a peanut butter left out on the counter is suddenly the beginning of a new and horrid disaster.
I will not miss the lack of advice tacking that my dear roomies seem to have. I have not had alot of relationships, actually i have had a rather pathetic history. But i have extensive knowledge of how men, and good relationships work (I think its from all the winners i've seen go in and out of my loved ones lives.) But my dear room mates dont seem to think im serious when they ask: "Cathy what should i do he is being so dumb!" and I tell them just what to do. and then they do the complete opposite and get their heart broken.........which is ALWAYS followed by a sobbing, ice cream hording, mess-a-thon.....sick. I'm smart I know what im talking about! LISTEN!!!! having kids better not be like that!

The comments about my fashion will be greatly missed.....or not. I am constantly ridiculed for my fashion... If you dont know i have a very unique fashion out look, and it doesn't really fit in a mold. But E has taken it upon her self to tell me that i am forbidden to buy certain articles of clothing, due to there hideousness. Of course I dont think i have ever actually listened. Last time i checked fashion was an expression of who YOU are not your room mates. On top of that i lost all respect for her taste, when she told me to buy a leopard print top last night. She claimed it was adorable on me, i claimed i was part of my ethical code to never own some thing that looked like a leopard hit by a car..... made sense to me!

Waking up to the sound of opera will not be missed. I have a super cute roomie V. she enjoys singing a bit to much. so when she thinks no one is home (which she usually is wrong about) she sings at the top of her lungs Enya. Well i dont know if you've ever heard Enya opera style....but let me tell you, its an experience for all. it kind makes me laugh with a hint of wanting to stab my ear drums out. as if Enya wasn't bad enough!
Some of you may know about my most favorite topic of room mate anger M, M is pretty much a love/hate situation with me. So lets just cut this blog entry short and summarize my M experience, instead of listing how many things she does that makes me want to literally, pluck each hair out of my head! M and all of her unique personality traits.

I will not miss hear how each man i think is simply amazing looks like the embodiment of Satan, of a Simpson's character!
And i will not miss the lack of space that has been a problem in our fridge and freezer since i moved in. for the past 3 weeks i have had no groceries. But i survive off of the food that they have not touched for eight months, that their mothers sent with them in neat little casserole dishes. I cant wait to own my own groceries!!!!!!

despite all of the insanely stupid and annoying things the four girl have done, i have a special love for each of them.......even if that love makes me want to punt them in the shins at times. Its been eight months to remember and it will never be the same! THANK GOODNESS!!!!! lol

what i want you to know

today in sunday school nolan made us close our eyes and picture our own funeral. morbid i know but it gets better. he challenged us to write down what we'd want our family friends co-workers and church members to know about us. i thought i would write mine here where my family and friend can see.
FAMILY
Mom- I want you to know you are my best friend. there is no greater mother. i would want you to know that your stupid mistakes, helped make me who i am. i'd want you to remember sacrament meetings in glenwood, and late night talks, i would want you to remember singing you are my sun shine, and i would want you to remember helping me through every second of my grown up life.

Aaron- I would want you to remember who made you so stupid, remember when we both spent days on end at home together, remember dad and you and me together, remember me beating on you and know it was just to make you strong, remember that i never stopped loving you even when i left.

Tim- remember how happy you make my mom, every time you make her happy you make me happy. remember my sarcasm because it will still be there when we are all in heaven together.

Anna- remember im your sister and i always wanted what was best for you. remember that even thought your life has been ruff, you are loved by many people i am one,my mom is one, your dad is one, your mom is one, and your heavenly father is one.

Tiffany- Remember the cowboy party, and all you did for me because i will be eternally grateful.

Aunt Judy and uncle Jeff- remember how much i hated living at your house and know it was the best thing that ever happened to me. remember each hug and each time you showed me love and the place i hold yo in my heart.

FRIENDS
Laura- remember me, and everything i am about. remember anti-flag and high school. but most of all remember that you were the only one that totally got me. I want you to remember me for each time you needed someone i was there. and that each time you were stupid i told you. remember my randomness, and my laugh, remember my midnight antics, and our boy dramas. remember how i change but always hold you in my heart.

Steph- remember all our times, and that you are in my heart for eternity, and i always with you. that you are not just a friend but a sister. remember my emotions good and bad, remember every tear, and every laugh. remember that heavenly father loves you just as much as me.

Cody- remember our wars and our teasing, but when you do remember that out of everyone i know, i never have quite had such loyalty to them. remember that i was always there for you, and so is heavenly father. remember each time i said i love you because i do. remember that you are a part of my heart as well, and you always will.

Kodie- i wish you new just how much you changed me. thank you, thank you. i want you to remember that you are the one person that is credited with making me who i am, and always loving me.

EVERYONE
I want everyone to remember how much i love my heavenly father, that he is what gets me through each day, for he has placed each of you in my life. he is the only one that calms my heart, he is the only one that understands my hints. he knew me better than i knew myself. and i owe all to him because with out him i would never see each of you again.
I would also want everyone to remember that i loved and i served, and that every mistake i made i am grateful for, and every person i made them with changed me.
This will never be all the people i would want ot remember me. and this isn't even half of what i would want them to remember me for. but anyday could be the last one, so just for those in my life now, i love you. and i will never forget you, never forget me.

for the nights he can't remember

oh the hospital....... one place i greatly hate. but unfortunately some where I've been for the past 4 days and will continue to be for the next 3.
all thanks to my best of friend cody healy.
im not in the hospital no worries there, he is. At last the fates have caught up to him and landed him in room 404 at the hospital. here's the story.
its 7:00 in the morning and i am sleeping, of course, when my phone rings. i ignore it, thats what i always do at 7:00 in the morning when the phone rings. it stops, and starts again, i still ignore it. and then a third time, i answered. it was cody. he asked when i got out of class i said 4:30 he said great he'd see me then and that he was so cold. and hung up. i knew something happend i just didnt know what.
4:30 rolls around and he is waiting for me at my house. when i get there i ask him why he's in here, and what happened that he called me at 7 in the morning cold.
he goes on to tell me this story......
he was watching taylor switf on MTV the night before, and the next thing he remembers in waking up in a ditch out side of a small town, with my room mates bike, that was in our hometown. so he proceeds to call me from a pay phone and ride the bike the rest of the way to my house. unfortunately he could not remember just how he got into that ditch................OH CODY!
so i hung out a bit with him, but when i discovered that he could not walk, he was in so much pain. and that his head hurt a lot, i decided he needed to go to the hospital.
So i took him down town and laura took him to emergency, one hour later i showed up at emergency (after finishing a class project) and this is where he has been ever since. the hospital. i have been there everyday almost all day long. talking, laughing, smacking him, and doing homework.
I hate hospitals, i hate the sick, i hate the smell, i hate the pain, that is in them. but i love that in that hospital i remembered why he is my best friend, and just how much i live the kid. In that hospital i realized i couldn't do it alone, and so i brought the spirit with me. in that hospital i showed just how much i care and i got back the respect that i have always wondered about our whole friendship.
I hate the hospital, but i love room 404.

the sound of silence

after the up downs of this week, the sound of silence has been most welcome. I dont know if you have experienced the sound of silence, but it happens right after your life falls apart. Its the moment you realize it will all be ok. and it literally is a silence. a silence of thought, of action, of emotion. you recollect yourself and move along. the next day something new is happening, but your ok because of the silence that has restored you.
my silence was a perfect day, that started with me receiving a new laptop that didn't have insane issues. and getting my term paper handed in. that is how its starts it lets things work out. then you sleep, which is what i did, i skipped class, and slept. then you do something to get your mind off it. i also did this, i went to the movie 21. which is great by the way. and has a man that i am absolutely in love with. and then you need to sleep again. sleep is key to my silences. and then you need to accomplish something that has been hanging over your head for weeks. my ethics case study, by the end of last night i was ready to take on life.
And that i feel normal again i can get back to real life.
It is my last week of work. well tomorrow is my last day. I've called in sick on all my shifts since Saturday. each for a good reason. but work just doesn't matter to me right now. I plan on applying at Michael's as soon as i am done exams. and also a billion other places. i need to jobs this summer, i have to pay off a laptop and save for next semester. its amazing the weight that has lifted off my shoulders since i quit my job. if there is any way i can go through school only working the summers I'm going to do it!
i guess i should touch on whatever happened to the perfect bone structure boy. i don't really know, i got caught up in school and life and then one day i realized he hadn't been in class for a couple of weeks. the best thing i ever learned in high school was how to get over a boy. i use to sob and pout and act totally well high schoolish. but now in my grown up years I've learned that life is to short to waste it on stupid boys. once in a while there's a boy that comes along that is worth tears. but those boy are few and far between.

the worst day of my life

ok so lets not get me wrong i have had a lot of bad days. but i think today may have just out did the rest. here are the events of this horrific day.
i wake up tired (that always makes me sad)
i get ready, and actually look pretty good, the outfits good the hairs good the make ups good.
so i go upstairs and think hey i should go on facebook!
i open my laptop and turn it on and it was white. white is not a color you computer screen should be. so i call my mom. she tells me its probably the screen, its old, it just stopped working. well that was it...........the thought of not having my laptop during the most important weeks of my college paper writing career, drove me over the edge. i started balling and balling and balling. no one could say or do anything to make me stop. I called a computer man, he told me the same thing. i called a friend he told me the same thing, i took it to a geek, he told me the same thing. i, by this time was in a total wreck, i called my work with the intentions of faking sick, unfortunatly it didnt happen like that. it happened like this. my manager gets on the phone, and i say hi donna, she asks if im ok i say no. and then it happens, i start bawling to her, telling her what happened and how stressed i was. needless to say i didnt go in to work today.
luckily i had my step dad to help me out. at the end of the day we got it straitened out. i bought myself a $750 new laptop. Its on my moms credit, i have to pay it back. but all in all the new laptop was totally not worth the stress. now luckily all that is left of this sickening day is my throbbing headache. which will soon leave cuz im going to sleep the rest of this horrid day off. hopefully tommarrow i can function once more

mind stuck

my mind is stuck..... read previous blog and find out why! so i thought if i force some random thoughts i may not seem like such a obsessed loser.

1. I dont know if you have ever been at a concert. and not some stupid violin recital, i mean like a rock concert, with amps and speakers. well this weekend i did 2. I love the feeling of my ears when i stand next to a stage full of passionate LOUD musicians. at first its just loud, but after a while your ears numb, and you can feel every note pulsing through you. this feeling is amplified if the band loves their music. it takes me to a whole nother place, during a concert i am the real me. in its whole.

2. House cleaning is not my strength.... i believe it is genetic, so get it some dont. unfortunately i didn't. im not a complete slob, not OCD either. but for the past while our house has lied dirty. so this Saturday i at last got a weekend off. and even though i had every intention to just sleep all day, i cleaned. the following is a list of things i found while cleaning our upstairs:
-one apple core. dried up and shrivelled.
-orange peels, also dried and shriveled.
-hamburger from tacos about 3 weeks ago.
-cream cheese
-juice crusted on to the wall.
-3 cents
-at lest a pound of bread crumbs
-every wrapper of every kind of fruit snack ever invented.
-a spiderweb necklace that is really a broken dream catcher.
needless to say we were sitting in a garbage can.

3. I am a huge fan of art....also an artist. But i dont own anything by a professional. I was in my favorite store, looking or a birthday present, when i ran across this amazing picture of a tribal African. It was love. of course art is expensive..... but this painting was only 40 dollars. but being practical with my money i had to think this over. i wondered the store finding things for the present... and at last i desided that i was going to buy it. best thing i bought all year.

4. i have come to a sad realization that i was a bully in high school. My best friend is dating a guy we all knew in high school. he is from Russia. well me and laura kind of loved bugging him all through high school. we would tell him to shut up or we would have him deported and many other things. but this last month i guess i found out that we had a lasting effect. he told steph that he really didnt like us still. wow. i am hurt cuz i thought we were still friends. but i see know that even my dumb jokes hurt. so i am a bully.

well its sad but i really cant think of anything else to say but this. every time i go to start some thing new, he pops in my head! ah no....... stay posted, maybe this one will be different.