Note to Self and others

I need to start off by saying thank you.

Thank you to T, for harbouring me in her house for the last month, for feeding and encouraging me. For laughing and showing me what being in a family is like.

Thanks to BG, who has made me feel like his best friend since I got here. For pushing me to do what he thinks is right (turns out it is usually right). For staying up to late to help me out this weekend, and for dragging me to every church activity he could shove in 3 days. For driving me around the big city to look at listings for apartments, while listening to me the whole time (well minus the moments he was making up retarded songs.)

Thanks to Aunt J and Uncle J....first to Uncle J for being my adviser, for trying to get me to think as logically as possible, and for always having a smile on your face. But mostly for caring about me like one of your own even though I'm not. And to Aunt J thank you for loving me and welcoming me in your home. No questions asked, no judgement. Thank you for understanding what I'm trying to do and for helping as much as you can.

Thank you for being the strength in my life all of you.


Ok so I have been searching, pondering, planning and failing for the last month. But not until this weekend did it seem I was ready for what I want. BG told me once that after each traumatic time in our lives right before we are about to embark on something life changing there is a lag time.
Oh the knowledge that come out of that mans mouth. A month of lag time, a long hard month of lag time. A whole month of me thinking I could do it and getting so frustrated when I couldn't.
Note to Self: stop pushing the lords time to blend with my time. it's stressful and not worth the hassle.

So I at last turned to the lord this weekend. I kind of ran out of places to turn. I turned to T and Uncle J and Aunt J, I turned to friends and distant family, no one seemed to be able to help despite all of their efforts. I was mixed up, there were just to many options, to many things I was scared to miss out on. I felt like a wall had permanently been built in front of me. BG gave me a blessing, this helped. Didn't solve my problem, but I wasn't expecting it to, It took that confusion away so I could figure out how to bulldozes that wall down though.
Note to Self: stop using the lord as a last resort, will save many tears and frustrations.

Since that night I have been a clear minded individual. Idea's that I never expected to think have been running through my head. The courage that I felt was lost forever has seemed to come back. I have made friends! real friends! I feel like the person I have been struggling to be for a month now.
Note to Self: you can do anything see. stop questioning your abilities and just trust in the lord. Now get out there and do them!

To A Friend

Sometimes I understand you.

Sometimes the way your are makes perfect scenes.

Sometimes I understand why you feel like you can't trust me.

Sometimes I can see a spark of what you think about yourself in your eyes.

Sometimes I want to run. To not love, to not try. That would be easier.

Sometimes I can feel you hurt. Even from miles away.

Sometimes I don't blame you for still holding on to what you were.

I should be able to understands being afraid of your past.

Sometimes I can't.

Sometimes I try to relate to you, but it never works out. The only thing I truly understand about the way that you are, is your mother. I understand the Hell you see every time you are forced to confront her. That is something that I breath everyday.

Sometimes I wish I could save you. To take you into my arms and protect you like a child.
Sometimes I think it's possible to be the one to save you. Just like that.
Sometimes I cry for you. I know the healing power of a tear. Unfortunately my tears for you, change nothing.
Sometimes I spend hours searching for the answers to your pain, but never seem to find them.
Sometimes it scares me to imagine darkness in this world, because I often find it hard it see through the light.
Sometimes I spend hours praying that you feel love. Love from me, Love from him, and Love from you.
Sometimes I know he watches over you. When your bones should be broken, when you should be dead.
Sometimes I know it's for me he watches you.
Sometimes I know it's for you.
Sometimes I look at you and all I can see is my own broken heart.
Most of the time I look at you and can only see yours.
Sometimes I know you love me.
Sometimes that makes thing worse.
Sometimes I find it in my being to forgive you.
Sometimes I can barely breathe between all the pain you cause me.
Sometimes I think I can stop loving you.
Sometimes I am right.
Sometimes I know that even when you say you don't, you still need me.
Sometimes you are so wrong it scares me.
All of the time I am here waiting to catch you, Hoping to strengthen you, Praying to save you from the man that steals you away.
All of the time you are loved in secret or in truth.

Happy Halloween

So Halloween is my second favourite holiday. I thought hey why don't I share just a few things that make it so great with my fellow bloggers!
So get ready for Art @ Hearts top 10 Halloween Favourites!

1.Lets start off with horror movies! I am a large horror movie fan. always have been. I love the classics, so tonight on my movie watching list are:


"Nightmare Before Christmas"
-I am aware that this more is about Christmas and that it isn't "scary". But it is a tradition every Halloween and Christmas that I watch it! and who doesn't want a little Tim Burton in their Halloween???
"Interview with a Vampire"
-This is by far one of my favourite vampire movies, besides the fact that it is just all around good, it has loads of extremely famous actors and actresses. Tom Cruise, Brad Pit, Antonio Banderas, Christian Slater, Kirsten Dunst as a 10 year old and many more.
"Scream"
-I love this movie, I thought the plot was highly imaginative. I totally didn't see the twist at the end. apparently i am the only person who didn't totally get this movie right off the bat, but hey! Once again there are loads of famous actors and actresses in this one! if nothing its fun to see them in their 90's glory.
"Nightmare on Elm street"
- By far the greatest horror movie ever made! and full of cheesy old special effects. No Halloween night would be complete without this classic!

2. CHOCOLATE! need I say more......I will candy in general, I love gummies and sours but mostly chocolate. (I am a girl you know!)

3. Vincent Price. By far one of the best original horror movie stars. Makes my list, his mix of talent and all around creepiness makes him a perfect candidate to spend a spooky night with!


4. "Vincent" a short fill by Tim Burton



5. Lenore the cute little dead girl and her friend Ragamuffin (the enslaved vampire)



6.Edgar Allan Poe

Ghastly, grim, and ancient Raven, wandering from the Nightly shore,-- Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore! Quoth the Raven "Nevermore!"
7. BeatleJuice

8. The adams family

9. Thriller


10. Vampires (cuz who doesn't love them a little Edward Cullen???_

the endless search

so I'm on week four of my new life. And i got to say even though I am happy, I'm starting to feel rather hopeless.
I have yet to find a job. 4 weeks of searching for a job....nothing. family connections, desperate companies. and nothing. NOTHING.
I am really confused, I have no idea why I can't get a job. but it's a rather crappy feeling.
I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm running out of money. I'm running of things to fill all this free time. I just want to be doing something with my time. But it seems that I can't! grrr.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I need to figure it out soon.

One Word

01. Where is your cell phone? in my lap

02. Your significant other? none

03. Your hair? brown

04. Your mother? Loved
05. Your father? Gone

06.Your favourite thing? Romance

07. Your dream last night? Death

08. Your favourite drink? Milk
09. Your dream/goal? Love
10. The room you're in? Bedroom

11. Your fear? Loneliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Bed

14. What you're not? Warm

15. Muffins? Carrot

16. One of your wish list items? Jacket
17. Where you grew up? Everywhere

18. The last thing you did? Ate

19. What colour are you wearing? Black

20. Your TV? PS I love you
21. Your pet? none
22. Your computer? Laptop
23.Your life? New
24. Your mood? Relaxed

25. Missing someone? Cody
26. Your car? none
27. Something you're not wearing? Socks
28. Favourite Store? Old Navy

29. Your summer? Emotional

30. Your favourite colour? Green
31. When is the last time you laughed? Today

32. Last time you cried? Monday

Holy Crap and much more vulger expressions.

So my weekend in The Bridge.

not easy to sum up that experience......but I'll try. I'll give you a play by play.

Day One- Friday
I get into The Bridge at 515....laura meets me. Cody does not ( of course). I call him, not even mad just wanting to know if we would see each other at all that weekend. He went to Calgary.

Side note: I don;t know if you know how infuriating it is to go visit your friends, and have the one you really want to see in the town you live in!

I being so Christ like, forgive and forget and make my way on over to Matea's house to parrrtay, and get ready for a YSA dance. We go to dinner with Steph, go to dance. have about the most fun i have had in a LONG LONG time. oh and I find out that my ex roomie/ friend since grade 4 is engaged. Did a happy dance with her. I'm her Maid of Honour! um woot that made my life, I knew I was loved! lol. I go to Laura's to crash, go to bed about 3am after much laughter with Din.
Friday was by far the funnest night I had.

Day two- I wake up at 7, I went to bed at 3 so I have no idea why my body felt it needed to be up at 7. but it did. so I walk around, think about how bad I hate Cody some days, get this way over whelming feeling...freak out a bit....wake laura up and tell her she must entertain me. We go downtown and meet up with My newly engaged friend, and go ring shopping, dress shopping, cake shopping, invitation shopping and just about every other thing that can be shopped for, to do with a wedding. that was a blast I wont lie. By the end of the day I was ready to call up an old friend and tell him we needed to date, cuz I really wanted to get married SOON. lol. lucky for him ( and me) that wore off.
Later on that day Blake showed up

Side Note: I haven't seen Blake in about a year, so it was a reunion of epic proportion.

We had a blast all of us together, started watching "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"............. wasn't what I was expecting. ew transvestites.
Then came the drunkenness I had been waiting for. It surprisingly didn't piss me off as much as usual. Din being rather drunk picked a fight with a rather large women in the parking lot, managed to explain to me and Laura about why he liked us. (the main reason was that we were white). he then taught us how to make fry bread, and through Laura's black glossy heels off of the balcony on to the front lawn. In days past this would have really pissed me off.......Saturday night I found it hilarious, and enjoyed every bit of it.

Day Three- Sunday
Went to church with Matea, I hate her singles ward its rather lame. I had far to much time to think.......this was the day things took a turn for the worse. I was tired, Steph blew me off. So I spent the whole day talking about life with laura and watching gay 1940s movies. on top of that I knew Cody would be back Monday.....emotions were high about seeing him.

Day Four- Monday
I woke up and asked my mom to check my email...............it was all down hill from there. After a long cry about how my life seemed to not be going anywhere in my new town and how I missed my friends, I was convinced to go talk to Steve. I hung up and went to talk to Laura...............which ended in me bawling about not being able to handle seeing Cody.
the afternoon consisted of Me meeting up with Cody and having fun. and not having as hard of a time as I thought. Mostly I think seeing him happy, after he's been miserable since I left, made me happy.
By then End of Monday emotions were high, confusion was higher and anticipation for today was at a max.

Day Five- Tuesday
i went to Calgary to see Steve.
had a panic attack about using Calgary Transit.
Got balanced
used Calgary Transit
Came home....back to my safe, happy house of screaming little kids and yummy food. Oh how I missed each scream and stomp. (I'm not even being sarcastic.)

So this vacation is 50 50.
50 % makes me want to swear words I don't even think are English.
50 % makes me smile so big its scary.

if you get eaten by a pike.....you will be a pike.

So let me just stop and brag for a moment....since I left The Bridge, I have lost 6 pounds!!!!

Speaking of The Bridge..I'm heading that way tomorrow. I have been sitting around for a while now, and since I have got about as far as I can go with out a job. So I'm going to spend some time with the people I love, but left behind.
NOTE: I am not in any way shape or form planning on going back. I love where my life is going. I love living with T( for now) and I DO NOT I repeat DO NOT want to go back.
But I'm sure I will have all sorts of stories after these few days to blog about. And on top of that I have pretty high hopes that Cody isn't even going to make the journey across The Bridge to see me. (oh Cody I wish I had to say more, But I believe these readers already know).

I hope that for some magical reason jobs will decided to call me back, just because I am out of town. I do have to say that is in the top 5 reasons to go to The Bridge this weekend.

So about my title. I came about today T left little J and O with me for a little bit this afternoon. O wanted to read stories, he brought out this book. Something to do with a boy who wanted to be a duck, and turns into a duck. This Drake tells the boy/duck that he could have been eaten by a pike. This really struck to O, he wrote a note to his mom about being eaten by a pike. When I asked O what it said he replied " If you get eaten by a pike......you will be a pike. And that will be bad, cuz pikes have teeth."
I thought that was just way to cute. However I also have applied the logic of this 4 year old to this weekend.

I was swimming in a pool full of piked out there in The Bridge. I was slowly getting eaten by them, and was slowly turning into them. I finally feel like I'm not a pike anymore...... so I need to be extra careful that I don't turn back into one.
If you get eaten by a pike...you will be a pike.
Good advice O.............

I'll Walk You Home

I recently discovered this song. It is an amazing song. The Lyrics up lifted me in a time a HUGE need. Music is the rhythm of my life, I can say it best through music.








Slow down,
What's on your mind?
It's alright,
I'm on your side.
I hate to see your injury.
I wish you could transfer all your pain to me.

Stay here, it's okay to cry.
Let me help you make it right.
Let's turn up the radio.
Let the band remind you that you're not alone.
We all get low.

Even the brave they depend on someone
The moon only shines with the help of sun
And it's not as safe when you're walking alone
I'll walk you home.

Sun's out but it feels like rain.
So I will illuminate your day.
I'm afraid I'm losing it.
What's it gonna take for me to get through this?
We'll get through this.

Even the brave they depend on someone
The moon only shines with the help of sun
And it's not as safe when you're walking alone
I'll walk you home

Need the band to play the song,
Someone sent to keep you strong,
It's harder when you're on your own,
Success is not the same alone,
Can't have up without the down,
Need the strength to have the round,
I'll provide the harmony,
Your song is best to company.

Even the brave they depend on someone
The moon only shines with the help of sun
And it's not as safe when you're walking alone
I'll walk you home

This song I would like to give to each person that has "Walked me home". I can't do it alone. This weekend I realized just how many people I have to "walk me home". My heart is so full of love for each person that reads this blog, each word of concern and advise whispered, cried, or typed to me. I LOVE YOU. I need ever inch of your love, and can't tell you how much it means to me. I hope that I can some day repay you all for what you have done. But if I never get that opportunity in this life, please know that it means more to me than you can understand.
And if you ever need someone to "walk you home" I'm here.
I can't think of a better month to realize everything thing I have. A month for Thanksgiving. Thank you, each of you, you know who you are. And if you don't you will.

The Goal Week 2

Ok so if you remember I have a goal. Lose one pants size in two months.
I've done pretty good, I did the running three times this week. I didn't do so swell with eating. I'm trying to keep the calories down. It is really hard to do, when your home all day, surrounded by yummy. yummy food.
But even though I haven't lost anything, I haven't gained any thing either. So no damage done for this week. Even though not losing any weight was kind of a let down, I have discovered that I really enjoy running. The feeling you get after your done is so great......and it's a whole half an hour of just me out side. Thanks T for talking me into it. Now here's hoping next week I can lose a pound or two!
But for this next week I'm going to kick it up a bit.
Week 2 is going up from running 3 times a week to 5.
Walk one minute, 10x run one minute, walk one minute.
I'm also going to cut sugars out this week, It will be hard! but it must be done!
this all starts Monday. Wish me luck!