Happy Mother's Day

In my life time I have had a lot of Mother's. But I only have one real Mom. This lady.....if you know her you know she is pretty great! So even though I am eternally greatful for all my other Mother's, to day this post is just for her.

Dear Mom,
It's been tough. But tough has made me into what I am today. I know some times we don't agree, we don't see eye to eye. I know you think I am crazy, but I think you are too. But what are daughters for if not to make you question your sanity? You are a good woman, the best. And you have always been my best friend. You always have been and you always will be. Thank you for excepting me, I know my decisions aren't always good. But I am learning, and it means the world to me that you watch me learn and realize that even though you think it is wrong, it is my life to live. Some day I will have a daughter of my own, and I pray she is just like me, just a bit smarter when it comes to crazy guys. Because if she is just like me, that mean's that I am just like you. I couldn't ask for a better Mother. Happy Mother's Day Momma. I am glad you finally found a place and a person that makes you happy. I can't think of someone who deserves it more.
I love you.
P.S. these are post cards sent to a blog that I read. I think that they express how I feel just as well if not better than I can.

these last Ladies are the other Mother's. I couldn't do it with out you guys. I love you too

 

 

I love you

I love you is a crowded phrase.
You say it all the time. It's meaning is different when said to different people.
Sometimes it is fake.
Sometimes it is real.
And some times it is both.
When we were together you told me that you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if you felt it for me, Then that must be how it felt.
I told you I loved you too.
I know now That I didn't.
I know now that I did.
I loved you that was no lie.
When we broke up you told me that you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if you felt it for me, Then I must be crazy.
I told you I loved you too.
I know know that I did.
I know know that I didn't
I loved you that was no lie.
When you told me the truth about you and my best friend you told me you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if that was how you showed it, I wanted no part of it.
I told you I love you too.
I know know that I didn't.
I know know that I did.
I loved you that was no lie.
When i told you I had to go for  little while I told you that I loved you.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But I felt it for you, and I knew you felt it for me.
I know now that love is changing.
I know know that love stays the same.
I loved you that was no lie.
I know know that my love for you was always the same.
Sometimes it was real.
Sometimes it was fake.
I say it all the time,it's meaning is different in different situations.
I love you is a crowded phrase.

I lied

Ok so I said I was done. But truthfully I don't know what I want anymore.
I thought since I never posted, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I just stopped. But when I didn't have the option, I realized how much this blog means to me. So I am still here. It might not be often, but I will try.

If you have been a part of my life in the past 9 months you will know a few things.
1. I fell in love.
2. It didn't last.
3. He is now in love with the girl I thought was my best friend.
4. She plays with his heart but doesn't love him back.
5. I am the one who holds him together.
It has all been pretty shitty. The worse part is that I never got a chance to get over him. It was only a few days after we broke up that I found out about what had happened between him and Brinae. I was immediately thrown into the savior position. You guys all know how well I maintain sanity in that position.
So I did what I always do, I tried to save the unsaveable.

I got burnt out. And once again, Super T (with a little help from her side kick and main man KC) saved me. They drove down to the bridge, swept me up in a wave of emotion, and told me what a stupid ass I am being. I appreciate them for that. But this time it's different.

Here's the main difference. Even though it would be easiest to walk away, This time I won't. You see this time (even though I know everyone of you don't believe me) it's different. Maybe it's because I actually thought I loved Bryan. Maybe it is because I am sick of being alone, maybe it's because I am a gluten for punishment, or maybe it's because I have too big of a heart. Or maybe just maybe it's because I have found someone who is as good of a friend to me as I am to them.

I know you have all heard the stories. And if you haven't well then sorry that you don't understand. But I can be every bit as manipulative to him as he is to me. you see that's life. No one is perfect. Everyone has needs and sometimes when you need something the most is when your ugly side comes out. I am a moody bitch at least 70% of the time. And even though I agree yes, in the past few months I have fallen off of my desired course. I don't believe it's because of a boy (well a little bit yeah). I think it is because I met that boy and I realized I don't know who I am or what I want. And then I started trying to figure it all out. And I still haven't figured it out yet.

To tell you the truth, Bryan wasn't the cause of this break down. Since I have been in a state of break down since I got home from my summer of closure. This is life. I mean sometimes it is ugly. Sometime people do things you don't expect them to do, sometimes the heart changes in a blink of an eye. Some time some one you hated can be the only person you wish you could love.

This great rescue number two has taught me a couple of things already.
1.  I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
2. My goals have gone by the way side and I need to get them back on track.
3. Sometimes when you feel like they won't understand, you are right, but you still need to let them in.
4. Running away can only give you clarity, it solves nothing, because one day you have to go back.
5. I don't want to run away, I want to stick through it.
6. Feelings, no matter how many time you deny them being there, stay until you deal with them and let them go.
7. There are parts of me that I lost that I don't think will ever come back.
8. You always need you Mom no matter what age.
9. When everything is falling apart around you, someone elses world is falling apart to.

I don't think I am as stupid as I was with Cody. I can see the differences. And maybe I will keep living this until I have grown enough to not have to live it again. Maybe God gives you people who push you to your breaking point so that he can lengthen that point. Maybe, God knew that I could do it this time, and that's why when he gave me a difficult friend like Bryan he made him so amazing. So that when I am on the other side, stronger, better, happier, I am not alone this time. Because I will get on the other side. I always do.

Life is hard. Look at your own lives. They haven't been amazing 100% of the time. Because we are human and humans are ruled by their emotions. The good ones and the bad.

I'm still here. I'm still fighting.

Good Byes

Well my Blogger Fan base
I guess this has been a long time coming but I got to break some news to you.
I retire.
Yup This blog has been good to me, but as I am sure you know it's not where my heart is anymore.
To a degree I think that is a good thing.
So this will be my last post. I don't plan on shutting this blog down. Mostly because I don't know how.
It has been a good run, I have loved almost every minute of it.
If you want to know about my day to day life well you can do a few things.
Call me.....if you don't have my number that will be a bit hard.
email me once again you need to have my email.
Or add me on FB Cathy Coppin!
So long Blog I have loved you a long time

It was a bad idea to tell you I loved you:

It's been over two week since I have been alone. Hard to believe? Well for more than two weeks I have had Bryan with me 24/7. Literally. We ate, slept, went to school,cried,laughed,played final fantasy13 together always. Today I went to brunch with his sister and his mom and him. Easter brunch. It was nice. Then he dropped me off at home. I'm alone. Weird. All this time I thought being alone would actually be nice. I was wrong! nope good old brain stopped me from enjoying the time to myself. See a month ago I broke up with Bryan. I was pretty sure I had finally found someone who loves me. I was pretty sure I loved him. But we broke up. However events that have unfolded since that day have stopped me from dealing with this fact. We broke  up. He is going on a date tonight. And it hurts to say the least. I have tried to move on, I have met a couple  of guys. None of which interest me. No one is as attractive or as funny. And that sucks too. I want to love someone who shares those feelings. Lucky for me that is rarely the case. So here I sit, waiting to hear how this date goes. From my best friend, who I have not had a chance to get over yet.

Changes

So it has become brutally obvious that I need a bit of change.
I'm writing again. That's a good sign. Writing has always been dear to me. It really is the only thing I love doing. For months there I would get on this trusty lap top of mine, and my mind would be blank. I would close the entry and go to Bryan's house.

First thing that needed to change, Bryan and I.
I'm not really sure why but I am always at Bryan's house. We don't do anything there, well he plays video games. And I sit there usually quietly and watch. I don't like video games. Don't get me wrong I know they hold a place in every man's heart. That's fine. I don't mind playing a game or two.......after an hour I get bored. So anyways Bryan's house, is more like my house.
I hate just sitting there.
How extremely boring!
But it has just become habit.
Get done school get on the bus go to Bryan's. Get done work get on the bus go to bryan's.
New plan.
Go home.
There is a lot better things to do here then there.
And I don't feel like a burden here.
And with my new roomies, there's always something to do.
So Change number one.
Go home. Unless there is a scheduled activity going on at Bryan's.

The window

The window was like a picture frame.
The world passed by her.
First slowly, almost unnoticeable.
Then Quicker
Now it's a blur.
Inside the house it was like a black hole.
Nothing changed, it only got darker.
Inside the house was safe however.
There were warm arms to hold her, and idea's to sustain her.
She began to forget how the window made her feel.
After a while the blur outside didn't even matter.
One day she looked up.
And there it was, the world.
Suddenly she remembered why she loved to look out the window.
A pair of warm arms wrapped around her.
She looked into his eyes, and then out the window again.
She pulled away.
He protested.
Her heart broke.
She picked up her things and put them in a small bag.
And walk out of the door.
The window was like a picture frame.
He looked out it and watch her pass him by.
She never looked though the window again, she lived.

life

So I am single.
WOOT!
Yeah, more like this.
Fight.
Argue.
Anger.
Frustration.
he finally stopped lieing to me and told me he wants to be with Bri.
You think I would be more mad but that honesty lead to this.
Understanding.
Forgiveness.
Friendship.
Support.
I must be some kind of wonderful for this, that or completely retarded.
I want to lean to some kinda wonderful.
I am fine.
He is not.
But being single is weird.
So I'm going on a blind date.......I think.
Well it's not so blind since I creeped him on Facebook. Technology it takes all the surprise out of dating.
He is a cowboy I think.....not usually my thing.
But it's just a date, I kinda just want to have fun.
Scratch that, not kinda, I just want to have fun.
Bryan broke me. I am 21 and I am ready to date.
Since I have stopped going to church I have realized something about dating. It is A LOT easier.
I can date anyone I want. And they only have to meet my standards. Not that it is easy to meet my standards. It actually might be harder than meeting the church standards. But back to my main point. I can date anyone.
Cowboy
Artist
Musician
Writer
ANY ONE!
And I don't have to marry them! I can just date them. Because I am only 21........what a weird way to think!
On another note I moved again!
SURPRISE!
I moved in with my GBFF Ben. and our Friend Kirsten.
It is so great.
I have a family, right here now.
I can be me, and have no jugdements.
This living situation fits me very well.
I might acutally say that I feel happy.
I feel happy.
Now I just need to figure out the rest of my life.........but I am sure that won't happen any time soon.

What do I say

Well this has been the worst week I have had in a long time. Funny how the worst weeks can remind you how to live.....

I got into a car accident. I'm fine. I backed up into a truck door. Luckly it was driven by a 19 year old boy who was rather chill about his shitty truck having a huge dent in the door. And I quote "As long as I can lock this peice of shit, that's all that matters" He desided there was no need to go through insureance. So what would have cost me over $1200 dollars, only cost me $600. $600 is still a lot but it is A LOT less than $1200. So I paided the man. Thank the lord for student loans! But it was the foreshadowing to rhe rest of my week.

I then broke up with Bryan........yeah. We both desided it would be the best thing for both of us to just be friends. And not friends that make out and hold hands. Just friends. The whole relationship really had both of us thrown. It's funny how by just putting a label on something you can completely ruin it. But then again, eventually label or no label one of use would have screwed it up. Even though it was a mutual decition, it still hurt to lose him. Luckily we broke up on a Friday, so I had the weekend to get over it. I just had to miss a few days of work.

So I called in to work on Saturday morning. My Grandma went to the hospital, I didn't think breaking up with your boyfirend and not being able to handle life was a good enough excuss. Sunday rolled around and it turns out I was suppose to go in that day too. But I missed it. When I found out I missed a shift I was set into histerics. I threw some keys across a room I think, I mostly just remember crying. Apperently I wasn't as ok as I had thought.

But today is Monday, and I think I actually have a grip on things. I had a good honest talk with Bryan. It's weird but it took breaking up with him to be able to actually be honest with him. I got a good nights rest, my homework was all finished before the break up so I don't fail at that! And I feel good.

See I think at the beggining of this school year, I started finding out who I really was. Then I met Bryan, I desided that being with him would make it so I didn't have to find out. And that would be a lot easier. I would just be who ever he made me into. I see now that I need to figure out who I am, before I can include someone else in it.

Lesson Learned. Looks like all the crappy events turn out ok in the end. And so do I. But I was never really worried that I wouldn't make it through. And if I was, well I know I have all you.