I hate you. There is a part of me that hates you. Sometimes I hate you so much I can barely keep it together. I don't know why I feel the way I do. Ok? I'm one of the most messed up people you will ever meet. I have issues. But when it comes down to it, I never felt loved by a single male for very long. And no matter how many times you say you love me, no matter how many times you say you will always be here, I don't believe you.
The last thing I want is to be alone. But for some reason I always push, or run away. Maybe it's because I know the second I find someone who will actually stay, who will put me first, who will love me more than anyone else, he will be able to hurt me. Hurt me more than you, or the boy from last year. More than my Father, or anyone. Once I believe that you actually love me, that's when I am the most vulnerable.
But I know you are not him. how could you be, he would never put me through what you have. You see this is all a test. I do it every time.I make you see how wonderful I am, then I ask you to fight for me. And every time I have been left to fight alone. Maybe I pushed, but if you were the one who would stick around, I could walk out myself and you wouldn't give up.
This maybe a tall order. Or maybe it's not. All I know is the you are not the man who will stay. One day you will find some one else. And being your best friend won't be my job anymore. I just pray that when that happens I have found the one who will stick around. Or I have found my self, and will be able to battle the war alone.
Yes sometimes I hate you, but mostly it's because I know one day you'll leave.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Rain
This morning I woke up to a down poor of rain. Most days I love rain. But when you have to got to work in two hours and the last time you owned anything rain proof was when you were about 10, rain isn't very welcomed. So even though money is tight I thought ok I'll take a cab.
Once at work I realized that my plan for getting home wasn't a for sure. So I texted everyone's favorite boy Bryan. Turns out he made plans with the girl he is now seeing.....again. ok ok I told him I would try. So even though I realized I'd be walking home I tried to not be upset.
Six o'clock came rolling around and it was time to brave the rain. By now the rain had only increased its down poor. So I zipped up the only thing I had the resembled a rain coat, and was off.
I got to the cross walk ten steps from the store and I was already drench from head to toe.
As I walked I thought of all the things I could say to make Bryan feel bad.
I got to about wendy's when I saw another man walking.
He wasn't wearing much a long black shirt and a leather vest. His hair was dripping wet, and he looked like he hadn't eaten in days.
He slowed his passe as he saw me coming. I knew I had two dollars I could give him. He asked me for money. I always give them something.
This might sound dumb but once a long time ago in church someone commented. If a bum came up to Jesus on the street and asked for money, he would give it to him. Even if he knew it was just to buy alcohol. He would hand it to him, shake his hand, tell him he was loved, make that man feel good and go on his way. Ever since that simple comment was made I have given them something. And I never once regreted it, the look one their face makes it worth being out five dollars.
Any ways I handed him the dollar and then ask "sir are you hungry?"
He was of course. Monika a girl I work with had just sent me with five pieces of hot pizza for my supper. I reached into my purse and gave him the bag. he thanked me and walked on.
Even though I didn't give up much, I did give up something important. I realized that even though I was hurt, and upset that Bryan had ditched me yet again for some girl I wasn't going to let it show. Because a lot worse could be done to me.
I feel humbled, and even though I was freezing by the time I walked home. I have never enjoyed walking home more.
I'm grateful for the rain.
Once at work I realized that my plan for getting home wasn't a for sure. So I texted everyone's favorite boy Bryan. Turns out he made plans with the girl he is now seeing.....again. ok ok I told him I would try. So even though I realized I'd be walking home I tried to not be upset.
Six o'clock came rolling around and it was time to brave the rain. By now the rain had only increased its down poor. So I zipped up the only thing I had the resembled a rain coat, and was off.
I got to the cross walk ten steps from the store and I was already drench from head to toe.
As I walked I thought of all the things I could say to make Bryan feel bad.
I got to about wendy's when I saw another man walking.
He wasn't wearing much a long black shirt and a leather vest. His hair was dripping wet, and he looked like he hadn't eaten in days.
He slowed his passe as he saw me coming. I knew I had two dollars I could give him. He asked me for money. I always give them something.
This might sound dumb but once a long time ago in church someone commented. If a bum came up to Jesus on the street and asked for money, he would give it to him. Even if he knew it was just to buy alcohol. He would hand it to him, shake his hand, tell him he was loved, make that man feel good and go on his way. Ever since that simple comment was made I have given them something. And I never once regreted it, the look one their face makes it worth being out five dollars.
Any ways I handed him the dollar and then ask "sir are you hungry?"
He was of course. Monika a girl I work with had just sent me with five pieces of hot pizza for my supper. I reached into my purse and gave him the bag. he thanked me and walked on.
Even though I didn't give up much, I did give up something important. I realized that even though I was hurt, and upset that Bryan had ditched me yet again for some girl I wasn't going to let it show. Because a lot worse could be done to me.
I feel humbled, and even though I was freezing by the time I walked home. I have never enjoyed walking home more.
I'm grateful for the rain.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sensible heart
I write here so little these days I often forget what the last thing I wrote about was. Then again I often forget what the last thing I said was.....so it's not really a shocker.
I guess the thing I miss the most about being a regular blogger, is how it feels to write your life down. It's funny how simply putting a situation into words can organize it and help solve it.
Last night I was trying to kill time, and so I started to download free apps to my Iphone. unless you have an iphone you have no idea how much time can be wasted by downloading free apps. Last night I went to the astronomy category. Did you know in a past life I was married to a french soldier, who was killed in the war? He was given a medal for his service, but it gave me no comfort. So I started a anti war activist group, but since no one listened to women back then, nothing came of it and I died lonely and angry at the government. The app said "This explains why you are so anti war today." I looked at Bryan, then at my phone then back at Bryan and said, "BRYAN! this app knows about my past lives!!!" He looked at me like I was on crack. Then I read him his past life. He wasn't impressed.
Bry:"I meet a women, get married, and we spend our life together farming?"
Me:"YES! and that explains why you have a desire to find true love!!! see it is so smart!"
Bry:"That is the stupidest thing you have ever said. EVERYONE WANTS TO FIND TRUE LOVE!"
Next was the Tarot card app.
Me: "Bry can I read you your tarot cards?"
Bry: "No."
Me: "Come on!"
Bry: "I"M PLAYING ROCKBAND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Me:"Whatever, you destiny sucks anyways!"
The last one was the hauted house app. Which in a nut shell was just a bunch of pictures of house across the world, with a paragraph write up about why they were haunted.
Me: "Bry, there's this place in Kentucky. It use to be a college, and when it was a priest hung five girls in the basement over the points of a pentagon!"
Bry: "Pentagram.."
Me: "Right! Anyways it says here that the students could hear the screaming of the five girls at night. So they closed the school."
Bry: "Right they closed a 300 year old college down just because there was "screaming" at night. It couldnt be that it was falling down around them"
Me: "Seriously, you are zero fun!"
Bry: "I hope you accidentally get charged for everyone of those stupid apps."
Me: "And I hope you fail this song on rockband."
I guess the thing I miss the most about being a regular blogger, is how it feels to write your life down. It's funny how simply putting a situation into words can organize it and help solve it.
Last night I was trying to kill time, and so I started to download free apps to my Iphone. unless you have an iphone you have no idea how much time can be wasted by downloading free apps. Last night I went to the astronomy category. Did you know in a past life I was married to a french soldier, who was killed in the war? He was given a medal for his service, but it gave me no comfort. So I started a anti war activist group, but since no one listened to women back then, nothing came of it and I died lonely and angry at the government. The app said "This explains why you are so anti war today." I looked at Bryan, then at my phone then back at Bryan and said, "BRYAN! this app knows about my past lives!!!" He looked at me like I was on crack. Then I read him his past life. He wasn't impressed.
Bry:"I meet a women, get married, and we spend our life together farming?"
Me:"YES! and that explains why you have a desire to find true love!!! see it is so smart!"
Bry:"That is the stupidest thing you have ever said. EVERYONE WANTS TO FIND TRUE LOVE!"
Next was the Tarot card app.
Me: "Bry can I read you your tarot cards?"
Bry: "No."
Me: "Come on!"
Bry: "I"M PLAYING ROCKBAND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Me:"Whatever, you destiny sucks anyways!"
The last one was the hauted house app. Which in a nut shell was just a bunch of pictures of house across the world, with a paragraph write up about why they were haunted.
Me: "Bry, there's this place in Kentucky. It use to be a college, and when it was a priest hung five girls in the basement over the points of a pentagon!"
Bry: "Pentagram.."
Me: "Right! Anyways it says here that the students could hear the screaming of the five girls at night. So they closed the school."
Bry: "Right they closed a 300 year old college down just because there was "screaming" at night. It couldnt be that it was falling down around them"
Me: "Seriously, you are zero fun!"
Bry: "I hope you accidentally get charged for everyone of those stupid apps."
Me: "And I hope you fail this song on rockband."
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Henry Nearly Killed Me (It's a Shame)
These past few days I have felt like a new me.
Scratch that. A different me.
I have come to realize that the phrase "New me" is kind of a load of shit.
Your never new, you always have the old in you. You can't just shake it out. Stand on your head and suddenly BOOM! the old is gone.
Nope I am the same girl.
I just have different elements.
I also think that everything you are is already inside of you. Good or bad. It just takes situations to bring those sides out.
So there is no new. There is just me.
It has come to my attention that some of you think things have been ruff because of a boy. Things are not ruff because of a boy. Things are ruff because I am lost. and a boy just happened to know just where to push to break me. New and old me have never totally broke becasue of a boy (not even Cody).
Anyways different me. Yesterday I laughed and not just you know laughed, but really laughed. I'm sorry to tell you if I have laughed at or with you in the past 3 months it was the laugh. Not a laugh. I laughed because of something Bryan did. Today I realized that is a slippery slop. Allowing your happiness to come from someone who's emotions flip on a dime is a bad idea. But even though that was my first Laugh, it is not the first time I have felt different.
I started spending time with LizD. That is good. I feel good with her. I started helping Stephy with the wedding. That is good. I work more. good. I spend more nights alone at my house. good. I talked to the DeCoste's. good.
Please don't take this as "oh good, she is fine." I am better, but not perfect. I still get lows. So please don't think anything is 100% resolved. But it is smoothing over.
Scratch that. A different me.
I have come to realize that the phrase "New me" is kind of a load of shit.
Your never new, you always have the old in you. You can't just shake it out. Stand on your head and suddenly BOOM! the old is gone.
Nope I am the same girl.
I just have different elements.
I also think that everything you are is already inside of you. Good or bad. It just takes situations to bring those sides out.
So there is no new. There is just me.
It has come to my attention that some of you think things have been ruff because of a boy. Things are not ruff because of a boy. Things are ruff because I am lost. and a boy just happened to know just where to push to break me. New and old me have never totally broke becasue of a boy (not even Cody).
Anyways different me. Yesterday I laughed and not just you know laughed, but really laughed. I'm sorry to tell you if I have laughed at or with you in the past 3 months it was the laugh. Not a laugh. I laughed because of something Bryan did. Today I realized that is a slippery slop. Allowing your happiness to come from someone who's emotions flip on a dime is a bad idea. But even though that was my first Laugh, it is not the first time I have felt different.
I started spending time with LizD. That is good. I feel good with her. I started helping Stephy with the wedding. That is good. I work more. good. I spend more nights alone at my house. good. I talked to the DeCoste's. good.
Please don't take this as "oh good, she is fine." I am better, but not perfect. I still get lows. So please don't think anything is 100% resolved. But it is smoothing over.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
one drop
One drop
That's all it took.
It didn't solve anything.
It made you feel worse.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Two drops
That's what it takes
It never makes you feel better.
But you go back to it anyways.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Three drops
That's what you need.
It could kill you she says
But in your darkest hour
all it takes
is
one
Drop
.
That's all it took.
It didn't solve anything.
It made you feel worse.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Two drops
That's what it takes
It never makes you feel better.
But you go back to it anyways.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Three drops
That's what you need.
It could kill you she says
But in your darkest hour
all it takes
is
one
Drop
.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
In my life time I have had a lot of Mother's. But I only have one real Mom. This lady.....if you know her you know she is pretty great! So even though I am eternally greatful for all my other Mother's, to day this post is just for her.
Dear Mom,
It's been tough. But tough has made me into what I am today. I know some times we don't agree, we don't see eye to eye. I know you think I am crazy, but I think you are too. But what are daughters for if not to make you question your sanity? You are a good woman, the best. And you have always been my best friend. You always have been and you always will be. Thank you for excepting me, I know my decisions aren't always good. But I am learning, and it means the world to me that you watch me learn and realize that even though you think it is wrong, it is my life to live. Some day I will have a daughter of my own, and I pray she is just like me, just a bit smarter when it comes to crazy guys. Because if she is just like me, that mean's that I am just like you. I couldn't ask for a better Mother. Happy Mother's Day Momma. I am glad you finally found a place and a person that makes you happy. I can't think of someone who deserves it more.
I love you.
P.S. these are post cards sent to a blog that I read. I think that they express how I feel just as well if not better than I can.
It's been tough. But tough has made me into what I am today. I know some times we don't agree, we don't see eye to eye. I know you think I am crazy, but I think you are too. But what are daughters for if not to make you question your sanity? You are a good woman, the best. And you have always been my best friend. You always have been and you always will be. Thank you for excepting me, I know my decisions aren't always good. But I am learning, and it means the world to me that you watch me learn and realize that even though you think it is wrong, it is my life to live. Some day I will have a daughter of my own, and I pray she is just like me, just a bit smarter when it comes to crazy guys. Because if she is just like me, that mean's that I am just like you. I couldn't ask for a better Mother. Happy Mother's Day Momma. I am glad you finally found a place and a person that makes you happy. I can't think of someone who deserves it more.
I love you.
P.S. these are post cards sent to a blog that I read. I think that they express how I feel just as well if not better than I can.
these last Ladies are the other Mother's. I couldn't do it with out you guys. I love you too
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I love you
I love you is a crowded phrase.
You say it all the time. It's meaning is different when said to different people.
Sometimes it is fake.
Sometimes it is real.
And some times it is both.
When we were together you told me that you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if you felt it for me, Then that must be how it felt.
I told you I loved you too.
I know now That I didn't.
I know now that I did.
I loved you that was no lie.
When we broke up you told me that you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if you felt it for me, Then I must be crazy.
I told you I loved you too.
I know know that I did.
I know know that I didn't
I loved you that was no lie.
When you told me the truth about you and my best friend you told me you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if that was how you showed it, I wanted no part of it.
I told you I love you too.
I know know that I didn't.
I know know that I did.
I loved you that was no lie.
When i told you I had to go for little while I told you that I loved you.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But I felt it for you, and I knew you felt it for me.
I know now that love is changing.
I know know that love stays the same.
I loved you that was no lie.
I know know that my love for you was always the same.
Sometimes it was real.
Sometimes it was fake.
I say it all the time,it's meaning is different in different situations.
I love you is a crowded phrase.
You say it all the time. It's meaning is different when said to different people.
Sometimes it is fake.
Sometimes it is real.
And some times it is both.
When we were together you told me that you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if you felt it for me, Then that must be how it felt.
I told you I loved you too.
I know now That I didn't.
I know now that I did.
I loved you that was no lie.
When we broke up you told me that you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if you felt it for me, Then I must be crazy.
I told you I loved you too.
I know know that I did.
I know know that I didn't
I loved you that was no lie.
When you told me the truth about you and my best friend you told me you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if that was how you showed it, I wanted no part of it.
I told you I love you too.
I know know that I didn't.
I know know that I did.
I loved you that was no lie.
When i told you I had to go for little while I told you that I loved you.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But I felt it for you, and I knew you felt it for me.
I know now that love is changing.
I know know that love stays the same.
I loved you that was no lie.
I know know that my love for you was always the same.
Sometimes it was real.
Sometimes it was fake.
I say it all the time,it's meaning is different in different situations.
I love you is a crowded phrase.
I lied
Ok so I said I was done. But truthfully I don't know what I want anymore.
I thought since I never posted, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I just stopped. But when I didn't have the option, I realized how much this blog means to me. So I am still here. It might not be often, but I will try.
If you have been a part of my life in the past 9 months you will know a few things.
1. I fell in love.
2. It didn't last.
3. He is now in love with the girl I thought was my best friend.
4. She plays with his heart but doesn't love him back.
5. I am the one who holds him together.
It has all been pretty shitty. The worse part is that I never got a chance to get over him. It was only a few days after we broke up that I found out about what had happened between him and Brinae. I was immediately thrown into the savior position. You guys all know how well I maintain sanity in that position.
So I did what I always do, I tried to save the unsaveable.
I got burnt out. And once again, Super T (with a little help from her side kick and main man KC) saved me. They drove down to the bridge, swept me up in a wave of emotion, and told me what a stupid ass I am being. I appreciate them for that. But this time it's different.
Here's the main difference. Even though it would be easiest to walk away, This time I won't. You see this time (even though I know everyone of you don't believe me) it's different. Maybe it's because I actually thought I loved Bryan. Maybe it is because I am sick of being alone, maybe it's because I am a gluten for punishment, or maybe it's because I have too big of a heart. Or maybe just maybe it's because I have found someone who is as good of a friend to me as I am to them.
I know you have all heard the stories. And if you haven't well then sorry that you don't understand. But I can be every bit as manipulative to him as he is to me. you see that's life. No one is perfect. Everyone has needs and sometimes when you need something the most is when your ugly side comes out. I am a moody bitch at least 70% of the time. And even though I agree yes, in the past few months I have fallen off of my desired course. I don't believe it's because of a boy (well a little bit yeah). I think it is because I met that boy and I realized I don't know who I am or what I want. And then I started trying to figure it all out. And I still haven't figured it out yet.
To tell you the truth, Bryan wasn't the cause of this break down. Since I have been in a state of break down since I got home from my summer of closure. This is life. I mean sometimes it is ugly. Sometime people do things you don't expect them to do, sometimes the heart changes in a blink of an eye. Some time some one you hated can be the only person you wish you could love.
This great rescue number two has taught me a couple of things already.
1. I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
2. My goals have gone by the way side and I need to get them back on track.
3. Sometimes when you feel like they won't understand, you are right, but you still need to let them in.
4. Running away can only give you clarity, it solves nothing, because one day you have to go back.
5. I don't want to run away, I want to stick through it.
6. Feelings, no matter how many time you deny them being there, stay until you deal with them and let them go.
7. There are parts of me that I lost that I don't think will ever come back.
8. You always need you Mom no matter what age.
9. When everything is falling apart around you, someone elses world is falling apart to.
I don't think I am as stupid as I was with Cody. I can see the differences. And maybe I will keep living this until I have grown enough to not have to live it again. Maybe God gives you people who push you to your breaking point so that he can lengthen that point. Maybe, God knew that I could do it this time, and that's why when he gave me a difficult friend like Bryan he made him so amazing. So that when I am on the other side, stronger, better, happier, I am not alone this time. Because I will get on the other side. I always do.
Life is hard. Look at your own lives. They haven't been amazing 100% of the time. Because we are human and humans are ruled by their emotions. The good ones and the bad.
I'm still here. I'm still fighting.
I thought since I never posted, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I just stopped. But when I didn't have the option, I realized how much this blog means to me. So I am still here. It might not be often, but I will try.
If you have been a part of my life in the past 9 months you will know a few things.
1. I fell in love.
2. It didn't last.
3. He is now in love with the girl I thought was my best friend.
4. She plays with his heart but doesn't love him back.
5. I am the one who holds him together.
It has all been pretty shitty. The worse part is that I never got a chance to get over him. It was only a few days after we broke up that I found out about what had happened between him and Brinae. I was immediately thrown into the savior position. You guys all know how well I maintain sanity in that position.
So I did what I always do, I tried to save the unsaveable.
I got burnt out. And once again, Super T (with a little help from her side kick and main man KC) saved me. They drove down to the bridge, swept me up in a wave of emotion, and told me what a stupid ass I am being. I appreciate them for that. But this time it's different.
Here's the main difference. Even though it would be easiest to walk away, This time I won't. You see this time (even though I know everyone of you don't believe me) it's different. Maybe it's because I actually thought I loved Bryan. Maybe it is because I am sick of being alone, maybe it's because I am a gluten for punishment, or maybe it's because I have too big of a heart. Or maybe just maybe it's because I have found someone who is as good of a friend to me as I am to them.
I know you have all heard the stories. And if you haven't well then sorry that you don't understand. But I can be every bit as manipulative to him as he is to me. you see that's life. No one is perfect. Everyone has needs and sometimes when you need something the most is when your ugly side comes out. I am a moody bitch at least 70% of the time. And even though I agree yes, in the past few months I have fallen off of my desired course. I don't believe it's because of a boy (well a little bit yeah). I think it is because I met that boy and I realized I don't know who I am or what I want. And then I started trying to figure it all out. And I still haven't figured it out yet.
To tell you the truth, Bryan wasn't the cause of this break down. Since I have been in a state of break down since I got home from my summer of closure. This is life. I mean sometimes it is ugly. Sometime people do things you don't expect them to do, sometimes the heart changes in a blink of an eye. Some time some one you hated can be the only person you wish you could love.
This great rescue number two has taught me a couple of things already.
1. I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
2. My goals have gone by the way side and I need to get them back on track.
3. Sometimes when you feel like they won't understand, you are right, but you still need to let them in.
4. Running away can only give you clarity, it solves nothing, because one day you have to go back.
5. I don't want to run away, I want to stick through it.
6. Feelings, no matter how many time you deny them being there, stay until you deal with them and let them go.
7. There are parts of me that I lost that I don't think will ever come back.
8. You always need you Mom no matter what age.
9. When everything is falling apart around you, someone elses world is falling apart to.
I don't think I am as stupid as I was with Cody. I can see the differences. And maybe I will keep living this until I have grown enough to not have to live it again. Maybe God gives you people who push you to your breaking point so that he can lengthen that point. Maybe, God knew that I could do it this time, and that's why when he gave me a difficult friend like Bryan he made him so amazing. So that when I am on the other side, stronger, better, happier, I am not alone this time. Because I will get on the other side. I always do.
Life is hard. Look at your own lives. They haven't been amazing 100% of the time. Because we are human and humans are ruled by their emotions. The good ones and the bad.
I'm still here. I'm still fighting.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Good Byes
Well my Blogger Fan base
I guess this has been a long time coming but I got to break some news to you.
I retire.
Yup This blog has been good to me, but as I am sure you know it's not where my heart is anymore.
To a degree I think that is a good thing.
So this will be my last post. I don't plan on shutting this blog down. Mostly because I don't know how.
It has been a good run, I have loved almost every minute of it.
If you want to know about my day to day life well you can do a few things.
Call me.....if you don't have my number that will be a bit hard.
email me once again you need to have my email.
Or add me on FB Cathy Coppin!
So long Blog I have loved you a long time
I guess this has been a long time coming but I got to break some news to you.
I retire.
Yup This blog has been good to me, but as I am sure you know it's not where my heart is anymore.
To a degree I think that is a good thing.
So this will be my last post. I don't plan on shutting this blog down. Mostly because I don't know how.
It has been a good run, I have loved almost every minute of it.
If you want to know about my day to day life well you can do a few things.
Call me.....if you don't have my number that will be a bit hard.
email me once again you need to have my email.
Or add me on FB Cathy Coppin!
So long Blog I have loved you a long time
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