The sound track of my life

Ok so I got tagged in this so here I go....and if you want to as well here's the instructions.
1. Open your music library.
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For the first question, type the song that’s playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the Next button.
6. Tag other people to do it too!

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

1. Opening Credits: I will posses your heart - Death Cab For Cutie (looking good so far)
2. Waking Up: Disco Heaven -Lady Gaga
3. First Day at School:  The righteous & the wicked - Red hot chili peppers

4. Falling in Love: Jumping rooftops - Angels and Airwaves
5. Losing Virginity: Your song - Harry Connick Jr. 

6. Fight Song: Suck my Kiss - Red hot chili peppers (very good
7. Breaking Up: Breathe- Angels and airwaves
8. Prom: Wear and Tear - Pete Yorn ft Scarlett Johansson
9. Life: Deep -Pearl jam
10. Mental Breakdown: Satellite mind - Metric
11. Driving: When I look at you - Miley Cyrus
12. Flashback:Get buck in here - Akon (ummmm worst flash back song.)
13. Getting Back Together: The Gift - Angels and Airwaves (man they show up a lot in the sound track to my life.)
14. Wedding Night : The Middle - Demi Lovato (the middle of what?)
15. Birth of Child: Hold You in My Arms - Ray LaMontange
16. Final Battle:Dear Blank - Hedley (LAME)
17. Death Scene: Call Home -Wild Lights
18. Funeral Song: Hey - Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Internet dating

Obviously I have a bit of time on my hands lol.
Ok so after all the dirt settled a few months ago, Bryan and I joined a dating site (as a joke) Plenty of Fish. Bryan has had great success with this site. 3 dates and a possible GF now. I however have not had the same luck. Met one nice guy.......got 100 other messages that I wasn't to crazy about.
So I have decided that since I am now a season veteran in online dating I would give you a list of things I have noticed about online dating.

1. Put a picture up. Seriously, no girl wants to agree to talk to someone that she has no clue what they look like. Attach a picture ok, write and tell me about how all your pics are super old just  makes me think you are really ugly. And 85% of the time I will be right.

2. when you do your write up on your profile there are a few things you should note. First, you need to put more than one sentence. I like music is not enough to draw someone in! BUT you can over do it. If I click on your profile and it takes me 15  minutes to get through your write up that's bad as well.

3. DO NOT write about all of your flaws in your write up. If I decide to message you back I hope that I will start to get to know you better. And over the course of messaging hanging out and even dating I hope I will find your flaws out by myself. By this time your good qualities will hopefully out shine the bad. Don't give it all up at the beginning. You may think that is being honest, but really it is asking girls to click away from your page.

4. SPELL THINGS RIGHT! Ok I'm not the best speller in the world. sure I get a few words wrong here and there. But is it really so hard to copy and paste your stuff to a word doc and SPELL CHECK IT! See I personally think inelegance is important in a future partner. So under no circumstances should you spell the words ARE -- r, TO-- 2, YOU-- u, FOR---4. Really hit the two or three extra keys, it will do you a world of good.

5. Putting a picture with animals in it is really a sink or swim kind of situation.
This is a good picture with animals:

This is not a good picture with animals:

Sink or Swim.

6. Dont take a picture of you abs. Your abs may be smoking, but abs aren't the only thing that I will be looking at.

7. You should just know now if you are more than 10 years older than me it's probably pushing it to ask for a date. If you are more than 20 years older than me......just move on.

8. Pick up lines can be a cute funny way to message someone. But remember that this girl doesn't know you at all, so if you pick the wrong on your hooped.
"Your fishing days are over" GOOD. I can message you back.
"If you stick your hand down my pants you will feel real nuts lol" BAD. I tell all my friends about the creepy thing you said, and you PoF days are numbered my friend.
oh and putting lol at the end doesn't make it any less creepy.
9. Maybe try to put a few unique hobbies you have on you profile. I have read these more than I ever want to:
"Outdoors"
"Cars"
"Partying"
"Hanging out"
these things tell me very little about you. Out doors? do you know how much that includes? Cars? do you like looking at them? Do you like hot wheels? I mean come on!

Well I think that's all for now. I know in three days I will have thought of about 70 more! So maybe online dating isn't ideal. But it's always a pick up to get a messages telling you you're a cutie!

Project 365

I realize I am not the first person to do this, but I recently downloaded an app called "Project 365". Basically this app is a calendar that I can organize pictures I take each day on. If you haven't checked them out, there on FB. BUT it turns out when you go out hunting for the perfect picture once a day you get a few more than just one good pictures. If you wanna see the pictures I select for my official picture of the day, go look at my FB page. But I will be posting all the extra pics on here! a blog exclusive you could say. 

It's been a little over a week since I started posting pictures daily. And I now realize this is some thing I hope to do for a long time. So enjoy theses bonuses, and go look at the best one's on Facebook!

Bryan says I have an addiction to taking close up picture of inanimate objects. He is right, but they just look so damn cool! I'll try to broaden my photography horizons! 

rain

it has been raining and gray for about a week now. Usually I am down for a little rain and gloom, but when your spirits aren't very high a constant week of gloom get wary.
I'm ready for summer......bring on the SUN!!!!

Since the weather has gotten me down, I have taken to sarcasm to brighten my day. For a while there I thought I lost my groove, but turns out it just takes extreme stress to get your sarcasm back. That or talking to T, not sure which one maybe a combo of both. But hey did you know I'm funny? It kind of shocked me! I'm learning that making fun of my situation, it makes it a lot better. To bad new joking about Bryan's new GF (yeah I'm sure that relationship is going to work out very well) is kinda touchy. So I'll just do it here where he can't see!

Funny as I sit here typing the sun started shinning. Oh how I have miss you! Moral of this post. Laugh, and pray for sun. It apparently works! Oh no it's gone. Damn.

I actually wanted to talk about TLC in this post. You know TLC, the TV station of reality TV. It seems that just about everyone can have a TV show on TLC. Today me and Bryan are looking forward to watching a new episode of "One great big family". "One great big family" is a show that follows a normal everyday American family during their day to day lives. BUT they are over weight!.........Seriously? you can get a TV show for being fat? And not even like the struggled journey to lose the pounds. Just straight up "My family is over weight, deal with it." Not that I have anything against being over weight.....obviously. Just if they get a TV show I want one too. I promise you I can generate enough drama to draw in an audience.
There is also a show about midgets on TLC.  I find it strange that there are people out there who find watching small people shop for sinks entertaining enough to have more that one episode of.

Ok I'm done, and if I get lucky the sun will stay out!

I hate you. There is a part of me that hates you. Sometimes I hate you so much I can barely keep it together. I don't know why I feel the way I do. Ok? I'm one of the most messed up people you will ever meet. I have issues. But when it comes down to it, I never felt loved by a single male for very long. And no matter how many times you say you love me, no matter how many times you say you will always be here, I don't believe you.

The last thing I want is to be alone. But for some reason I always push, or run away.  Maybe it's because I know the second I find someone who will actually stay, who will put me first, who will love me more than anyone else, he will be able to hurt me. Hurt me more than you, or the boy from last year. More than my Father, or anyone. Once I believe that you actually love me, that's when I am the most vulnerable.

But I know you are not him. how could you be, he would never put me through what you have. You see this is all a test. I do it every time.I make you see how wonderful I am, then I ask you to fight for me. And every time I have been left to fight alone. Maybe I pushed, but if you were the one who would stick around, I could walk out myself and you wouldn't give up.

This maybe a tall order. Or maybe it's not. All I know is the you are not the man who will stay. One day you will find some one else. And being your best friend won't be my job anymore. I just pray that when that happens I have found the one who will stick around. Or I have found my self, and will be able to battle the war alone.

Yes sometimes I hate you, but mostly it's because I know one day you'll leave.

Rain

This morning I woke up to a down poor of rain. Most days I love rain. But when you have to got to work in two hours and the last time you owned anything rain proof was when you were about 10, rain isn't very welcomed. So even though money is tight I thought ok I'll take a cab.

Once at work I realized that my plan for getting home wasn't a for sure. So I texted everyone's favorite boy Bryan. Turns out he made plans with the girl he is now seeing.....again. ok ok I told him I would try. So even though I realized I'd be walking home I tried to not be upset.

Six o'clock came rolling around and it was time to brave the rain. By now the rain had only increased its down poor. So I zipped up the only thing I had the resembled a rain coat, and was off.
I got to the cross walk ten steps from the store and I was already drench from head to toe.
As I walked I thought of all the things I could say to make Bryan feel bad.

I got to about wendy's when I saw another man walking.
He wasn't wearing much a long black shirt and a leather vest. His hair was dripping wet, and he looked like he hadn't eaten in days.
He slowed his passe as he saw me coming. I knew I had two dollars I could give him. He asked me for money. I always give them something.

This might sound dumb but once a long time ago in church someone commented. If a bum came up to Jesus on the street and asked for money, he would give it to him. Even if he knew it was just to buy alcohol. He would hand it to him, shake his hand, tell him he was loved, make that man feel good and go on his way.  Ever since that simple comment was made I have given them something. And I never once regreted it, the look one their face makes it worth being out five dollars.

Any ways I handed him the dollar and then ask "sir are you hungry?"
He was of course. Monika a girl I work with had just sent me with five pieces of hot pizza for my supper. I reached into my purse and gave him the bag. he thanked me and walked on.

Even though I didn't give up much, I did give up something important. I realized that even though I was hurt, and upset that Bryan had ditched me yet again for some girl I wasn't going to let it show. Because a lot worse could be done to me.

I feel humbled, and even though I was freezing by the time I walked home. I have never enjoyed walking home more.

I'm grateful for the rain.

Sensible heart

I write here so little these days I often forget what the last thing I wrote about was. Then again I often forget what the last thing I said was.....so it's not really a shocker.
I guess the thing I miss the most about being a regular blogger, is how it feels to write your life down. It's funny how simply putting a situation into words can organize it and help solve it.

Last night I was trying to kill time, and so I  started to download free apps to my Iphone. unless you have an iphone you have no idea how much time can be wasted by downloading free apps. Last night I went to the astronomy category. Did you know in a past life I was married to a french soldier, who was killed in the war? He was given a medal for his service, but it gave me no comfort. So I started a anti war activist group, but since no one listened to women back then, nothing came of it and I died lonely and angry at the government. The app said "This explains why you are so anti war today." I looked at Bryan, then at my phone then back at Bryan and said, "BRYAN! this app knows about my past lives!!!" He looked at me like I was on crack. Then I read him his past life. He wasn't impressed.

Bry:"I meet a women, get married, and we spend our life together farming?"
Me:"YES! and that explains why you have a desire to find true love!!! see it is so smart!"
Bry:"That is the stupidest thing you have ever said. EVERYONE WANTS TO FIND TRUE LOVE!"

Next was the Tarot card app.
Me: "Bry can I read you your tarot cards?"
Bry: "No."
Me: "Come on!"
Bry: "I"M PLAYING ROCKBAND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Me:"Whatever, you destiny sucks anyways!"

The last one was the hauted house app. Which in a nut shell was just a bunch of pictures of house across the world, with a paragraph write up about why they were haunted.

Me: "Bry, there's this place in Kentucky. It use to be a college, and when it was a priest hung five girls in the basement over the points of a pentagon!"
Bry: "Pentagram.."
Me: "Right! Anyways it says here that the students could hear the screaming of the five girls at night. So they closed the school."
Bry: "Right they closed a 300 year old college down just because there was "screaming" at night. It couldnt be that it was falling down around them"
Me: "Seriously, you are zero fun!"
Bry: "I hope you accidentally get charged for everyone of those stupid apps."
Me: "And I hope you fail this song on rockband."

Henry Nearly Killed Me (It's a Shame)

These past few days I have felt like a new me.
Scratch that. A different me.
I have come to realize that the phrase "New me" is kind of a load of shit.
Your never new, you always have the old in you. You can't just shake it out. Stand on your head and suddenly BOOM! the old is gone.
Nope I am the same girl.
I just have different elements.
I also think that everything you are is already inside of you. Good or bad. It just takes situations to bring those sides out.
So there is no new. There is just me.

It has come to my attention that some of you think things have been ruff because of a boy. Things are not ruff because of a boy. Things are ruff because I am lost. and a boy just happened to know just where to push to break me. New and old me have never totally broke becasue of a boy (not even Cody).

Anyways different me. Yesterday I laughed and not just you know laughed, but really laughed. I'm sorry to tell you if I have laughed at or with you in the past 3 months it was the laugh. Not a laugh. I laughed because of something Bryan did. Today I realized that is a slippery slop. Allowing your happiness to come from someone who's emotions flip on a dime is a bad idea. But even though that was my first Laugh, it is not the first time I have felt different.
I started spending time with LizD. That is good. I feel good with her.  I started helping Stephy with the wedding. That is good. I work more. good. I spend more nights alone at my house. good. I talked to the DeCoste's. good.

Please don't take this as "oh good, she is fine." I am better, but not perfect. I still get lows. So please don't think anything is 100% resolved. But it is smoothing over.

one drop

One drop
That's all it took.
It didn't solve anything.
It made you feel worse.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Two drops
That's what it takes
It never makes you feel better.
But you go back to it anyways.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Three drops
That's what you need.
It could kill you she says
But in your darkest hour
all it takes
is
one
Drop
.