the wall

There is this wall when it comes to me and you.
You take it down when you need me to be there for you.
But when I need you it's always up.
It's an ugly wall, and not at all hidden or misable.
You built it with selfishness and and self pitty.
You built to protect yourself.
You don't see the wall.
Even though it is completely unmissable, you can't see it.
Even when I take your hand and press it against the wall you still see nothing.
On it you hang you "friend of the year" award.
The one that you created and hung yourself.
It's strange because when I don't need someone the wall does not effect me.
But in my darkest hours, I see it looming over me.
Leaving me alone in it's dark shadows.
I tried to take down the wall.
Nothing works.
And so I decide that the only way to escape the feelings the wall has left me with is to leave.
Leave you and the wall.
To let the light shine on me.
But there are other things that tie me to the wall.
I think sometimes even the wall ties me to the wall.
Less often now, but still a tie.
Could I leave all these ties behind?
What would my life become?
Or can I find something to bring me light until the ties drop.
And I am free to walk away.
Give it all up, or find a light?
Both seem equally as hard at this moment.
But which one will I choose.

Happy New Year

Typically ever new year I have filled out a questionnaire. But this year I just didn't want to type out what my greatest hardship has been, my goals for the new year.....yada yada yada.....so instead I used what I love the most to sum up 2010. Lets not get me wrong in no way was 2010 my prime year. But there where some  pretty good memories. So here's a photo collage- via a facebook app - that I threw together for your new years bliss. Happy new year friends, family, and bloggers. Now lets forget about what happened last year and move on to some new adventures!

It's funny how things pass.
I thought my 21 year old problems would be the end of me.
Now I see that my 21 year old problems are just the sand paper of my life.
lessons learned, egos put aside, and hard feeling buried for good, this has been an ok year.
I mean yes it was pretty shitty. But I learned some life lessons.

I learned how to fall in love, and to fall out of it.

I learned how to work at relationships, I learned the value of friendships.

I learned that sometimes things are hard. That's just the way it is.
And any one who thinks life is always suppose to be up, is completely stupid. Because with out the downs there would be no ups.

I learned that people often don't mean to hurt you. But they do because they are just human.

I've learned that the little things, like spending an hour with the cutest baby on earth, or taking the dogs for  a walk, can mean more than the big things.

I've learned that forgiveness is really freeing.

I've learned that you can follow you heart, or you can follow your head, it doesn't matter down both paths there will be something unexpected.

Nothing is fair, and watching thing be handed to those around you is often discouraging. But earning what you have, and what you want is really the best feeling.

I have learned that often what looks like love, is usually two lonely people hoping to find love. And that just because you want to meet the love of your life doesn't mean they are right in front of your eyes. But I still believe it's worth the wait.

I'm 50/50 on wither I think psychics are full of shit or the tellers of my future. It's been about 4 months and love hasn't happened......and she said it was right around the corner. But then again that corner could have been pretty far away.

I guess looking back this year hasn't been all that bad. I've had people around me who love, value, respect, and admire me always. And I guess even when you hope for so much more, that's all you can really ask for. And that's all you really need.

Happy new year guys. Here's to your family's, your happiness, and your dreams coming true.

Giving Thanks

Oh man, it has been entirely to long since I posted. Okay well Today is THANKSGIVING!!! My personal favorite holiday, because on Thanksgiving my two favorite things are brought together. Food, and Family. The double F's in life. However this year there is no family.....but I insisted there be food! And not just food, real Thanksgiving food! So I set out on my first attempt to make a real thanksgiving dinner.

First off why do they not sell precooked turkey slices on TG? ummm not everyone has time/money/skills/need to make a whole TURKEY! So I had to settle for chicken, it's close enough.

Second why the crap are pumpkin pies so gross looking. I went to Safeway looking for the monster of all pies, I mean a real beauty. I found the opposite. small, flimsy, gross crust, sad sad pies. But they were the only ones so I settled....It still tastes amazing, it just looks off.

I got home and realized I have no clue how to make half of the stuff I needed. Gravy? Yams? I'm at a loss....Luckily my iphone (even though recouping from a recent bad encounter with the toilet) can solve anything.  SO I began the food making process. And in the end I was proud of the results.

Okay okay so the marshmallows are a bit over cooked.......Give me a break would you! Other wise I think this dish gets and +A!! Happy Thanksgiving Family,Friends, and Fellow bloggers. I'm thankful for everyone of you! And especially the ones who get late night calls, and help me think logically. I love you all.

52 Weeks

Welcome to my new Goal. 52 weeks, 52 pictures. The 365 was a little much, but one photo in 7 days I think I can handle that. Plus less photo's mean I have more time to put some emotion/thought into them.

Today is week one.
Monday September 13, 2010.

Bryan's sister has 3 amazing dogs. Jane is the oldest, I think she is 14ish give or take a few years. She hasn't been doing to well the past couple of nights. After discovering she has an enlarged heart, her lungs filled with fluid. She spent a night or two at the vet and is now home recovering. Jane means the world to us all. Shes family. We love you Janer!

Stay tuned for week twos photo. And keep an eye out for my currently under construction Photography website "Art@heart By: Cathy Coppin" 

12:47

I feel like things are going backwards.
not every thing just you.
Don't you rememeber?
The way things were.
I do.
Awful.
thats it.
The way things were.
Don't you recall?
everything was bad, and it was mainly becasue of you.
I will not go backwards.
If your going that way I hope you can go it alone.
It might be harder to for me to let you do it on your own.
But I'm willing to give it a try.
At last.
Peace.
Is what I want.
The time has come, to walk my own path and to let you walk yours.
I hope they cross, and merge, Or run side by side.
But this is my path.
It leads away from her, from your love for her.
It leads away from betrayal, and lust.
I hope I am strong enough to walk it alone.
It won't be forever.
One day I will have someone to share my path.
But I can't walk it with you.
Not Anymore.

Whoop up days

Ok so I have lived in the bridge for a good chunk of time now. Every year they have a fair, rides, food, booths, just all around fun. I have never been before. And after a bit of commotion between Bryan and I, I didn't make it yesterday. So today I went on my day off with M and J from reitmans. I love them!

First I tried my very first elephant ear.... really I have been missing out on heaven for a long time! They are SO good! check on my fair grounds list.

Next I wanted a henna tattoo. After a lap we couldn't see a booth, so we settled for an air brush tattoo. M, J and I all got matching bumble bee tattoos. We are really just that cool! check.

Next it was to the rodeo, where we found ourselves surfing Facebook instead of watching the rodeo. It was lame, we gladly made a nice lie up to M's friend who we went to watch and made our way back to the fair grounds!

Once back we got the most massive snow cones and went to the shark encounter. which was basically a bunch of baby sharks, being man handled by some Australian guy....Kind of cruel, kind of lame. Then to the worse reptile tent ever.check check check.

The final Thing I wanted to do was see the psychic. J's mom goes to get a reading every year. The psychic had predicted her brother death, and her step fathers. I have been stuck for a while, and really needed something. Not to mention I have always wanted to go to a psychic.
I walked into her trailer and sat down at a small table. I noticed the mass amounts of crosses and pictures of Jesus all around me. I looked at the older lady, not wearing a bra, cigarette in hand, wild black hair, and I was nervous. I got a palm reading and a card reading. And even though there a many of you out there who are thinking this is such BS. I don't feel that way. Actually I kind of felt the same way when I got my patriarchal blessing.
The lady, Marda, asked me to shuffle the cards and focus on the things that I want answers to. Or direction. I did, I split the deck into four piles. She flipped the first card and said "Your stuck. You have reached a spot in your life and you feel stuck." Chills ran down my spine.
Next card. "Are you close to your Father?" she told me that she feels a closeness between us that is very strong. She said he is near me a lot, and that he was now.
Next card. "You just went through a hard break up. He was very important to you." she told me he was emotionally draining on me. And even though parts of me still loved him that I needed to let him go, because he would never give me what I needed. She mentioned that he holds a great amount of respect for me and thinks very highly of me.
Next card. Love is around the corner for you. She said she felt I had been alone for a long time, and that even though I am young I have experienced a great deal of hardship. She said I was going to find a man to love me soon. That I already know him, that I just needed to get to know him. That he would be a hard worker, and a good guy.
She mentioned that I was going to be taking a trip in the near future, some where with water.
flipped a card. "Your going to be very professional in your work." When I told her what field I was in she said it matched what she saw very well. She flipped another card and told me I would be very successful in my career and be comfortable in my future life. That I would buy a home with the man that I will meet soon, we will have 3 healthy kids and that we will live a long time together. She told me I should live until I was about 82 83ish.
She also told me that I have healing hands. That people feel healed by me. And that I have a bit of psychic in me. She said that I get dreams that come true (which is true), and that the older I get the more often I will get them and the stronger it will become. She mentioned a closeness with my Brother and sister that would never go away. She also told me that I would be attending a funeral soon, but that I was not close with the person.
She said a lot. At times I thought how could she know this about me? And in the end it was worth every penny.
Even if you think it's a load of crap.

Whoop up days HUGE check.

Eat, Pray, Love.

Some times in life you have these moments. You are sitting some where and at that moment you are filled with joy. At that moment you feel like the person you really are, all your flaws and your strengths weave together into one beautiful person. And deep down to your very core you feel that you are at peace.

There are moments in my life where I have felt this. There are also moments I expect to feel this. And even though I have these moments, I still don't feel I know who I am. Do you know who you are? I watched the movie "Eat Pray Love". I went to this movie for three reasons
1. I love Julia Roberts
2. I love movies that take place in exotic locations
3. I knew it would inspire me to get back to finding myself.

Here's some thing I decided in the movie. I know a great deal about myself. I just often feel that I can not be myself to please others. I want to live my life for me. I do believe in a God. My God is different then your God, as your God is different then some body else. To me he means some thing totally different then what he means to you.
God dwells within me, as me. I don't think God is interested in the show. He doesn't want to see me as the perfect church goer. And never really understanding who I am. He loves me. And he wants me to see my self as I am, so I can love myself as much as he does. God doesn't only love and bless people who follow LDS church standards. He sends blessing to each person every day. All I have to do is breathe to get them. And even though at time I feel that being who I am, may appear to be wrong to those that I love the most. I know that God wants me to figure it all out, so that I can be just as at peice with myself as he is.

If there was one word i could pick to describe my very being at this moment it would be..... I wish I knew. I don',t at times I think it would be artistic, but that is just a talent it is not who I am. It is not the word that sums up me. What would your word be? Not an easy question. I started on a journey to find myself, and I have become a little stalled. But then again maybe I just feel stalled and that is holding me back. I am making a promise to myself at this moment. To start to live life. I'm not going to do it by traveling across the world right now. Right now I am going to live my life by learning lessons, loving and sharing every small moment I have. Learning how to draw knowledge from the people around me.

In the end this post is meant for one thing only. To tell you that I am finding out who I am. And that I am not afraid to be who I want to be. That the only approval that is satisfying is your own. And that even though my life seems like nothing special right now, it is, to me.

been there done that

I really want to post. Unfortunately I don't have much to say.

I know you were all waiting to hear about the weekend of weddings. Ok well lets just say after the weekend of the weddings I went to Bryan's house and cried for 15 minutes from exhaustion. This does not mean that I did not enjoy both weddings a lot. I did. by 5pm Sunday night I was so tired I was literally falling apart. My knee was in a tenser bandage, my arm was being bandaged up and my stomach was being pumped fulll of food. As I have no pictures form wedding number two yet, this is all you get.

I love this girl, her baby, and her new man! Love you Mrs. Fox-Walker. Oh and just for emphasis of how much I love this family here is another picture <3

Ok Ok moving on. I finally quit at Reitmans. Not because I don't love it... I do a lot. unfortunately sometimes your happiness has to be dictated by money. and Reitmans is not making me any. Plus the theater isn't that bad. I mean there's free drinks and pop corn on shift, Bryan is there....oh right and the assistant manager is pretty cute! So I am destined to permanently smell like buttered pop corn. I guess it could be worse, I could smell like a deep fryer.


So the Bam Fram Froosh was here for wedding one. You know Lauraj? We have this little joke about how every picture we take together we are matching...Case and point.
Picture one Grade 11 on our way to the Anti-Flag concert, If you cant tell we are both dressed the same and have the same pink in our hair, same necklace......

Picture two LizD's wedding we were in the bridal party (we were the bridal party!)...

Picture three Stephy's wedding....well the trend continues.

BFF's or twins? lol Thank God me and Bryan don't wear matching cloths in our pictures!

Ok well I posted. Maybe next time I will have something to say! Love you Bloggers