again

I feel like I've spent a lot of time talking about the past lately. And how I've over come it all, I hope by now you've gotten the point. I am happy, I am strong, I am me.
I also feel like I've spent a lot of time talking about all the things I want in the future.
But not so much time talking about my life now. I'm not sure why, maybe if you talk about it there's a chance of it going away. But I've decided to talk about me. My life now.

As most of you know I was living with my cousin's T and her husband KC, for the first while. I'm sure they know, after spending an evening with drunk Cathy, how much I appreciate them. They have been the voice of reason(s) is my life for about 3 years now. And I know that any time I need to go home, their door is open....or I have a key. Or I can throw rocks at their bedroom window until they pay attention to me.

But NOW I am no longer sleeping in the bunk beds of their two youngest sons. No longer do I get a wide variety of lovely home baked cookies, and meals. No longer do I have to endure piles of clothes (socks) in front of my door, or KC's belt left in various places in the house.

NOW I have 5 room mates. I found this house of girls and pretty much instantly knew that this is where I need to start. By no means is the house an architectural master piece. I sleep in the basement...not just in the basement. I'd say Alana sleeps in the basement. I sleep in the basement laundry room, right next to the washer and the deep freeze. Well right next as in on the other side of a wall. But I love it. When I'm done, and want to just be me I go to my room shut the door and I'm in my own home.

My room mates are all great girls. We are all very similar. Three of them go to ACAD. My first thought was "Way to waste your money! You don't need to go to school to be and ARTIST." isn't the whole point of art that it is a self expression? Did any of the greats go to art school? Before Picasso cut his ear off did he endure a long art school critique?
But once I got to know them, I realized that most of them had legit careers in mind. Photographer (a girl after my own heart) and Interior Designer.

The other two girls who do not attend ACAD, are great too. At first I was a bit leery about both of them. But I have found ways to grow close to each of them. As close as I can get. I am happy in this house. There isn't any fighting or crazy drama. We are just 6 girls living our lives. And even though I am the only one not in school, it's crazy how we can all still be going through similar things. If anything it is always nice to come home to a chick flick on the TV and a fridge covered with hot, half naked guys.

Secondly, my job. I am incredibly lucky to have snagged this job. And while I don't have that fiery passion that I did a few months into it, I do still love it. I have learned many things. Most importantly I have strengthened parts of me that I didn't know needed help. And since we are on the topic I met a new friend. Sure I'm friends with everyone I work with. But I feel that this guy is a real friend.
We are just gonna call this friend D.

D is the spitting image of Alex (a friend from high school). I think that is why I decided I could trust him. Even though Alex is kind of a jack ass now (it's only because he found out how it felt to have sex. Then he got all crazy about girls THEN he realized he was hot, then throw a bit of alcohol in for good measure... and well it all went down hill from there).

Any ways it's been nice to have a legit friend again. I mean honestly I cut pretty much everyone that wasn't essential from my life. Only those I was 100% sure where not gonna let me down were allowed to stay. I missed the feeling of getting to know who you are with new people. Plus D has a plethora of single attractive friends, so the more I hang around him the better my chances of breaking the single ( and sadly celibate)  trend that is currently running a muck in my life.

I was recently taking inventory of all the good things that have happened this year. I got a new car, I have a job that is stable and good paying ( and looks totally pimpin on a resume). I am going to China this year. Oh right news flash B, my cousin in China. He got married to a Chinese movie star. So they wanted his family to come to China and visit. He later called back and said "Oh yeah BTW's fam my favorite cousin aka best friend also needs to come so get her a plane ticket too". I'm sure he did not say it like that, but ever since I found out he married a movie star I hear less of the deeply profound B, and more of the "Yeah that's right who married a FAMOUS person now beeeotch!!" kind of B. FYI that B doesn't exist except in my head.

And since I'm now on this topic, I'd like to list all the things that will never again happen (between B and I) now that he is married.
1) I will never be sitting in the kitchen drinking milk and see him sit down in front of me wear just his garment bottoms with a pair of boxers over them. THANK GOD! but then I will also never see him burn it up the stair in a panic when he hears the door of his Dad's car.
2) I will never again have a conversation about how many wives he will have. Or maybe I should instigate this conversation with his new wife. I think the women needs to know he wants a 7 wife family. And also to have like 75 kids. One girl to another....someone should prepare her for that shit.
and 3) I may never again be having an emotional conversation with my cousin and have him fart extremely loud in the middle of it. I'll also not get to bug him about the only CD he owns (backstreet boys) or about the fact that he has a man purse and a day planner with tulips on it.
Mostly I'm really happy for B. I love him, and I know he needed to get a wife. I'll always miss him and the year we spent together as friends. But we are family, so we are stuck together ... forever.

The Bucket list

it's 2012.
Usually I would start my 365 photo challenge today, get 2 weeks maybe 2 months in and quit. Instead this year I've decided to do something I can't fail on. I'm making a bucket list. There's no one a day, most likely they will come in batches. For a quick over view you can see them on my "Pinterest" board. But I'll try to keep them up to date here as well. So here is my Bucket List:

 

Saturday Secrets

Hello again blog world! Maybe one day I'll actually post. But until then here is you Saturday Secrets!

Saturday Secrets

Recently I down loaded the Post Secret app for my iphone. I have been a PS fan for a few years now, I never go a Sunday with out checking Post Secret. Since getting the app I've been taking screen shots of my favorite ones. So I thought I could throw them together in a video along with a good song and share them with you each week.And a little fun fact, one of these secrets is mine. Can you guess? I doubt it!

For any one who doesn't know what Post Secret is here's a quick run down. A few years ago a man name Frank handed out a bunch of blank post cards with his address on them, and handed them out to strangers. he asked those strangers to write down a anonymous secret and send it back to him. Every Sunday Frank posts those secrets on his blog www.postsecret.com. Since then it's caught on and they have developed an app. Where people can log on and post anonymous secrets for the PS community to see.

Okay and now for my Saturday Secrets....

I'm sorry

Sometimes I torcher myself.
I go on my friends facebook and I look up Bryan.
Not becasue I miss him and want him in my life.
Becasue I spent 2 years loving him, and even though he is an ass hole. I want him to be a happy ass hole. Actually I want him to be a good, honest, happy, loving man.
Not for me, for him. Yes he was a douche to me, but he was also my best friend. He taught me how to be strong.
I went on facebook to look him up today.
And I saw his profile picture was an image of him and brinae and a little girl. Brinae had her hand on his leg, and they looked so happy.
And for the first time since I took them out of my life, I didn't feel mad. I didn't feel betrayal or even a little hurt.
I thought maybe this was why I had to go through so much with them. So that they could be happy together. I want both of them to be happy. Seeing that picture it made me feel like something good came out of those two years.
I doubt that either of them will ever know this, but I am extremely happy that two people who I loved so much, are that happy together. And I hope that they both get every good thing that they deserve.
Yes they both picked the worst possible way to do it.
But I am a strong belever in doing whatever it takes to be happy. Even if it mean that someone gets hurt along the way. Because lets face it, the people we love are the people we hurt the most.
I'm sorry it had to go the way it did, thank you both for teaching me things I needed to learn about myself.
Good luck Brinae and Bryan.

Two feet.

I see my life one way.
At times it doesn't seem like it really matches. But then one day I sit down and take a look and realize, I ended up were I wanted to be.
I think my entire life I have take the road less traveled. Actually the road less traveled is probably the road most traveled. I know more people who forge their own paths than ones that walk through life on a pre-charted road.
Taking your own path is hard.
Some times there's no one who thinks your doing it right. But how can you ever be doing it wrong?
If life is not predetermined then you're never a screw up. Then you never make the wrong choice. You never fail. Even when you fail.
Learning is one of the most important parts of life.
Nothing is failing if you learn.
If you can take nothing with you after you die, but family and what you have learned then only two things matter.
Love and knowledge.

Even when the worst things happen.
I see my life one way.
I've always found that comforting.
I've always known how my life would be.
I think everyone who knows me, has too.
Maybe they saw it differently.
But I don't see how you could really know me and not know.
How could you not know?

You rarely get what you deserve out of life.
But that's ok.
I know people who deserve nothing.
I know people who deserve every thing.

When bad things happen it takes a long time to recover.
People don't understand that.
When bad things happen it takes a long time to recover
Not even I myself understand that.
When I can't recover quickly and keep up I feel like a failure.
But if you never really fail, if everything good or bad, long or short, rich or poor, is part of your path then I'm still moving forward.

Eventually I can see things clearly.
It feels like I closed my eyes and heard everything fall apart.
I waited until the noises calmed, and opened my eyes.
When I opened my eyes I was safe.
I know what it sound like when my life falls apart.
I know what it looks like when I make it through.
And now I'm learning what it feels like to continue on.

Life is lived with two feet.
Your heart changes.
Your mind wanders.
Your eyes see the new.
And your two feet go forward.
Forward on a path I made for my self.
One I've always known I would take.

52 weeks... round two

We all know I love photography. We all also know that I try to do photo challenges. AND we all definitely know I have never finished a challenge! But I'm doing it again! Starting now.

Week One

May 1st, 2011

"While we are postponing, life speeds by".
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 5 BC-

The work and timing

Since I put a stop to my friendship with Bryan, life has changed a lot. Actually I have changed a lot.
But the biggest problem I have been running into is timing.
I spent almost two years thinking of what would happen once I wasn't on pause with Bryan.
Once I left him, I was about to graduate. There were things I needed to work towards that were coming up fast.
Finishing my practicum, graduation, moving, getting my brother settled.
I felt like my life was going forward.

Then it all stopped. I finished everything that needed to be done and nothing else was working out. I think I was expecting things to just happen. Like the universe was going to just give me a break and align everything.

B use to tell me think two steps ahead, then take one step.
In this case I was thinking 8 steps ahead and trying to take 6 steps.
When I realized that wasn't going to work out I got a bit upset. I am so sick of not having money, a car, or being able to rely on just myself. I didn't want to do the work, once again I just wanted the end result.

That's how I am.
I don't want to build a relationship. I want to be swept up in a furry of romance and find my one true love. I don't want to start at the bottom and work my way to my dream job. I want to get a phone call offering me a job with a top ad firm. I've never enjoyed the work. So I have always looked for the easy way to get the end result.

The end result when skipping the work, is getting less than what I deserve. But I guess if you don't do the work then you end up with what you deserve.
Falling in love doesn't just happen. You meet someone, you build the foundations, you get to know someone, you support them and they support you. But when you don't want to do the work, you end up with people who are usually looking for someone to save them. They are fine with you supporting them, getting to know them, and even letting you love them. But they aren't okay with doing the same for you, because they can't. They can't love you becasue they don't know you, but they can need you and that is almost the same.

being needed is not being loved. Being loved is so much more than just that.

Having to do the work is hard. But it's not harder.
So even though I hate doing the work it takes to deal with my issues, to make money, to be happy, to find love. I am going to because I would rather work hard and get what I deserve, then skip it and have my life end up the same.

Sometimes dreaming about my life makes it hard to wait.The more I think about travel, the more I want to just go. Especially on days when I'm just sitting around. It's so hard to wait for the things that I want so much. But I have never been able to work my way around that.
Usually I  just get fed up with trying to save the money it takes to travel, or get a car, or have nice things, and I give up.

Once my Mom asked me when I was really broke, "What do you have to show for all the money you've made?" I think the list went like this: my ipod, my laptop, my living expenses. At the time I was working full time at IGA and could help but hate my life. While my room mates were all driving cars, paying for their educations, and affording their living expenses.
That is how it's always been, it's to hard to save and work my way to a car. So why bother? I can live, and I'll have fun with what I make.

Timing and the work. Those are my biggest weakness.
That's why I've decided to start doing the work and not letting the timing stop me from getting what I want. If I end up being 30 and just barely getting to where I want to be, than that's okay. It's okay not to have it all together right now, I'm 22. And maybe accomplishment wise I won't be on top for a while. That's okay. This is me accepting that. And this is me changing.

Chapter four

Well I have been out of Lethbridge for about 3 weeks now.
Being gone has had its joys and hardships. Of course it's pretty hard to hold anything in when I'm living with my main go-to people. All it takes is a "So how'd it go?" and I suddenly am spilling my guts.
Mostly moving has been a wave of emotion.
I had issues that needed some attention I didn't even know about!
At first being here was great. I was motivated, excited and optamistic.
Soon I was discouraged, bored, and verging melt down.
Then I realized maybe instead of throwing myself into another situation that ends badly, I should deal with myself. I have always had issues being alone with my self. Of course T is here all day long too, but it's not like I sit by her side all day long listening to her witty one liners (I know shocker!) But being alone with myself mostly involves having nothing to distract myself with.

So I started dealing. There has been a lot of plots about how to get back at Bryan. A few run in scenarios with various people who I know live in Calgary, but don't keep contact with. There's been many why-the-hell-did-I-waste-my-time-at-school-if-I-can't-even-get-a- f-ing-job-with-this-damn-degree moments. Even more this is what I want to be doing with my life dreams.
In the end, I'm here with T and KC (and the occasional mass of children) working at the mall, trying to deal with my core issues before I get into a full swing new life.
It feels kind of like I'm building a bridge. I'm saving money, dealing with problems, building new friendships. I can see the other end (the end where I am getting on a plane to go to see B and Thailand) but as of right now I'm building the supports so I don't fall through half way there again.

So this is Chapter four of my life. Chapter one being ages 1-15 and all the dramas and hardships in that age range. Two is 16-18 a much shorter chapter but a glimpse of my first crash-and-burn, falling in love, being independent and broke. Chapter Three is 19 - to leaving Lethbridge (I think it can be appropriately named the rise and fall of Bryan-ism). And Chapter four. This chapter I hope will be much happier than the last few. Mostly I will be looking back at the last three chapters of my life, making a what-not-to-do list, and dealing with unresolved issues.

But this chapter is already full of good.
So there it is, Chapter four. Stay tuned for plot twists, climaxes, comedy, tragedy, and success.