Have you ever thought "wow this is so not me"?
Maybe it was when you tried on a new shirt, or maybe you were trying a new food.
How about when you spend time with some one? Do you ever think that the person your with does not let you be who you really are?
I do.
And it wasn't until this morning that I realized it.
I was asleep, and then I got a text message.
"are you mad at me or are you really that busy that I haven't seen you in weeks. And when I did see you, you acted weird. Did I do something?"
I hate that question. If you did some thing to piss me off, trust me you'll hear about it.
I rolled over and let out huge sigh.
more f---ing drama from my past.
Which through me into pondering, why was it that I had become more notorious the past month.
Then I realized it.
I don't enjoy being with my old friends. They have preconceptions of what I should do, or how I should act. And when I am not the way they expect.....they shun it. The real problem is that 3 months ago I was living my own life, if I wanted to hang out with some one I would. If I didn't I wouldn't. If I wanted to act a certain way I could, if I started being the person I really am it was embraced not ignored.
I learnt how to lead a life with out the people of my past. They apparently did not.
I agreed to give up my time to pretend to be what she wants me to be. But I don't think it will be happening much longer.
This is who I am. Get over your self and open your minds up.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
On the road
JMaCrae came from the big city to visit.
How I have missed her!!!
She reminds me of what the real world is like. One thing about the bridge is that it isn't the real world. People think and do weird things here. It's hard to explain, but people here think very different than people anywhere else. I guess that's why I have always felt like an outsider here. While everyone is planning their weddings and what colour their kitchen will be, I'm watching documentaries and reading classic literature. I'm trying to understand theories and meanings, their watching the Lion King. Not that there is any thing wrong with that. I was like that for a long time. I'm just not like that anymore. This world has to much to offer, besides the Lion King. I know shocking! I can't just be ok with what I know.
JMaCrae reminds me of who I am. She is a great friend. She's a real person with real problems and real struggles. She has real goals, real ideas, real likes and dislikes. But most of all she is ready to learn.
after high school me and lauraj were suppose to see Canada. Of course it didn't happen. That tends to happen when you mix Lauraj into an idea. She never really wanted the same thing out of the trip as I did. She wanted to go to concerts and be a groupie. I wanted to go to different churches and sit through a mass. I wanted to see the city on the horizon, a city that was ready to explore.I wanted to see the homeless on the streets and give them the box of crackers we just bought. I wanted to see the land marks and see the history. I wanted to learn and explore. She wanted to party. I'm sure that's why it never worked out.
Today I remembered the world is big and interesting. Thank goodness, I can't wait to experience it.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I'm not even sure what to titles this post.
When Cathy's life changed?
Forgiving the first man in my life?
Spring of emotion?
None of those titles can fully describe the past 5 days, and the things I went through.
I guess I can start at the beginning. That would make the most sense.
After another visit to the Doctor, I had another 2 weeks off of work. That was good and bad news. First off I already had a week off, and two more weeks would leave me broke. But I do love any excuse to not go to the job I hate.
I had been planning to take 2 weeks off this summer anyways. I had planned out a trip to see my Grand mother and other family members, that I had not seen for 6 years. I also planned to gain the closure I had been looking for in regards to my Father.
But with the time off I was going to have to take to heal my foot, I would never be able to afford to take more time off for a vacation.
So Logically I had to go while I had this time off.
That's what I did, Thursday morning I had gotten the Doctors note, Friday morning we left (we being my Mom and I).
I knew this trip was not going to be an easy one. I have spent the greater part of my adult years hating my father. Divorce, adolescence, addiction, and depression were all factors that made our relationship go bad. But mostly I think it was because I needed some one to blame, for taking my family away. For making me act like an adult and taking my care free childish out look away. He was an easy target.
Five years ago he got remarried; he then replaced me in his life, with his new wife and step daughter. That probably was the most hurtful thing that he ever did to me. He gave up on me and loved her. I then formed a new burden to carry around, a new dislike for his wife and the little girl that took my spot in my Fathers heart.
Four years ago he passed away. I can remember the day my Mom told me he was gone. It's like a scene from a well watched movie. I had been watching a documentary on TV about monkeys with my friend Mel. We were house sitting for a women who was basically our Mom. I heard the dog bark and got up to see who was coming to the door. When I saw my Mom at the door, my first thought was "oh no Grandma Shipley". Only weeks before when I was watching my Grandma she went into a diabetic coma. I almost lost her, but thanks to one of the many lessons my Mom had taught me, I called the ambulance.
It was completely shocking when she told me my Dad had died. I didn't even know he was sick. I remember hugging her while she cried. I stared into the distance and felt a strange peace. I felt guilty for a while that I was not sad. But eventually my friends helped me see that he had only even caused me stress. I never went to his funeral. I had lost my Father long before that day.
Then I moved on with my life.
It wasn't until I moved to the big city that I ever felt him in my life again. During yet another stressful night, of trying to decide what to do with my life, my uncle brought it up.
"Cathy" he said.
"have you taken the time to forgive your Father?"
I hadn't really thought about it. Four years had passed and I no longer hated him. The more I grew up the better I could understand why he had been the way he was. Pain and hurt didn't blind and bias me any longer.
I took what my uncle said to heart, that night I spent hours on my knees. Praying that I would be able to fully let go of my childhood pains and forgive my Father. After that night I felt I had forgiven him.
But it soon became clear that I needed more than forgive him. I needed forgiveness and closure. The only place I could get that, was the only place I wanted to avoid.
The big city made me strong. Stronger than I had ever been.
So all this brought me to an eight hour long drive and the one place that held all my pain.
The day we got there, we went to see my step mom.
I was frightened beyond words. This women had been with my Dad when I hated him the most. When I had said some completely horrid and angry things to him. When I stopped speaking to him, when I didn't go to his wedding or funeral.
I thought she hated me for what I had done to him.
She didn't.
In fact she knew that one day I would come around. She was amazing. That conversation changed my life.
I sat on the motel bed afterwards, and was silent. This weight had lifted off my shoulders, this weight that I had carried for 12 years. It still hasn't come back.
We got ready to go to bed, My foot was in so much pain that day. Mom prayed, she asked for my foot to begin to heal and for the infection to leave. I remember the last thought that came into my mind that night as I fell asleep, be still the Lord God is with you.
The next morning my foot was no longer infected and the wound was practically healed.
She said it was because I had gotten rid of all those built up feelings. I'm sure that's partly it. I think mostly it was someone else.
The rest of the time I spent there was easy. Awkward, but easy. I managed to not cry again. That's more than I can say for my Mom though. I had the chance to let in the family that I had forced out so long ago. Some were a little more eager than others.
My Grandma was still the way she had always been. she was still the only person who could make you eat so much you'd burst unwillingly, all the while talking non stop.
My Uncles were what I expected, just a little older.......and both strangely resembled my Grand Father.
I'm still the same person I was, when I got into that car and started driving. I have just let go and become a little stronger. I just believe in my self a little more. I just feel a little more loved. But more importantly, I have a father to be proud of. Not to hate, recent, or even ignore. A father that loved me even when I said hurtful things. A fathers love. something I have spent 20 years without. That means so much to me.
I also found a faith I never knew I was capable of. One that had the power to physically and emotionally heal me.
So all in all I am grateful for how hard things once were for me. I'm grateful to have spent so long with out this feeling of love. I don't blame anyone any more. Not my Father, or my Mother, and especially not me. In the end every one found happiness. First my Father with his wife Joyce. Then my Mother with Tim. And now me with my Heavenly Father.
When Cathy's life changed?
Forgiving the first man in my life?
Spring of emotion?
None of those titles can fully describe the past 5 days, and the things I went through.
I guess I can start at the beginning. That would make the most sense.
After another visit to the Doctor, I had another 2 weeks off of work. That was good and bad news. First off I already had a week off, and two more weeks would leave me broke. But I do love any excuse to not go to the job I hate.
I had been planning to take 2 weeks off this summer anyways. I had planned out a trip to see my Grand mother and other family members, that I had not seen for 6 years. I also planned to gain the closure I had been looking for in regards to my Father.
But with the time off I was going to have to take to heal my foot, I would never be able to afford to take more time off for a vacation.
So Logically I had to go while I had this time off.
That's what I did, Thursday morning I had gotten the Doctors note, Friday morning we left (we being my Mom and I).
I knew this trip was not going to be an easy one. I have spent the greater part of my adult years hating my father. Divorce, adolescence, addiction, and depression were all factors that made our relationship go bad. But mostly I think it was because I needed some one to blame, for taking my family away. For making me act like an adult and taking my care free childish out look away. He was an easy target.
Five years ago he got remarried; he then replaced me in his life, with his new wife and step daughter. That probably was the most hurtful thing that he ever did to me. He gave up on me and loved her. I then formed a new burden to carry around, a new dislike for his wife and the little girl that took my spot in my Fathers heart.
Four years ago he passed away. I can remember the day my Mom told me he was gone. It's like a scene from a well watched movie. I had been watching a documentary on TV about monkeys with my friend Mel. We were house sitting for a women who was basically our Mom. I heard the dog bark and got up to see who was coming to the door. When I saw my Mom at the door, my first thought was "oh no Grandma Shipley". Only weeks before when I was watching my Grandma she went into a diabetic coma. I almost lost her, but thanks to one of the many lessons my Mom had taught me, I called the ambulance.
It was completely shocking when she told me my Dad had died. I didn't even know he was sick. I remember hugging her while she cried. I stared into the distance and felt a strange peace. I felt guilty for a while that I was not sad. But eventually my friends helped me see that he had only even caused me stress. I never went to his funeral. I had lost my Father long before that day.
Then I moved on with my life.
It wasn't until I moved to the big city that I ever felt him in my life again. During yet another stressful night, of trying to decide what to do with my life, my uncle brought it up.
"Cathy" he said.
"have you taken the time to forgive your Father?"
I hadn't really thought about it. Four years had passed and I no longer hated him. The more I grew up the better I could understand why he had been the way he was. Pain and hurt didn't blind and bias me any longer.
I took what my uncle said to heart, that night I spent hours on my knees. Praying that I would be able to fully let go of my childhood pains and forgive my Father. After that night I felt I had forgiven him.
But it soon became clear that I needed more than forgive him. I needed forgiveness and closure. The only place I could get that, was the only place I wanted to avoid.
The big city made me strong. Stronger than I had ever been.
So all this brought me to an eight hour long drive and the one place that held all my pain.
The day we got there, we went to see my step mom.
I was frightened beyond words. This women had been with my Dad when I hated him the most. When I had said some completely horrid and angry things to him. When I stopped speaking to him, when I didn't go to his wedding or funeral.
I thought she hated me for what I had done to him.
She didn't.
In fact she knew that one day I would come around. She was amazing. That conversation changed my life.
I sat on the motel bed afterwards, and was silent. This weight had lifted off my shoulders, this weight that I had carried for 12 years. It still hasn't come back.
We got ready to go to bed, My foot was in so much pain that day. Mom prayed, she asked for my foot to begin to heal and for the infection to leave. I remember the last thought that came into my mind that night as I fell asleep, be still the Lord God is with you.
The next morning my foot was no longer infected and the wound was practically healed.
She said it was because I had gotten rid of all those built up feelings. I'm sure that's partly it. I think mostly it was someone else.
The rest of the time I spent there was easy. Awkward, but easy. I managed to not cry again. That's more than I can say for my Mom though. I had the chance to let in the family that I had forced out so long ago. Some were a little more eager than others.
My Grandma was still the way she had always been. she was still the only person who could make you eat so much you'd burst unwillingly, all the while talking non stop.
My Uncles were what I expected, just a little older.......and both strangely resembled my Grand Father.
I'm still the same person I was, when I got into that car and started driving. I have just let go and become a little stronger. I just believe in my self a little more. I just feel a little more loved. But more importantly, I have a father to be proud of. Not to hate, recent, or even ignore. A father that loved me even when I said hurtful things. A fathers love. something I have spent 20 years without. That means so much to me.
I also found a faith I never knew I was capable of. One that had the power to physically and emotionally heal me.
So all in all I am grateful for how hard things once were for me. I'm grateful to have spent so long with out this feeling of love. I don't blame anyone any more. Not my Father, or my Mother, and especially not me. In the end every one found happiness. First my Father with his wife Joyce. Then my Mother with Tim. And now me with my Heavenly Father.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
lost track of the days
It's the 24th and I have only posted once this month.
Wow
That never happens.
I guess I can tell you about life!
First off Kam got a boyfriend. It's all very romantic and happy.....for her. For those of us who don't have a boyfriend it's 30% exciting 20% horrible (because we don't have a boyfriend) and 50% repetitive. I'm super happy that she is happy, but I swear if I hear that sigh followed by "Guys my boyfriend is SO amazing" I'm going to drink a bottle of bleach!
It's self fish.....I am aware of this. But I'm only human!
I recently Had to go to the hospital. I fell on the side walk, and despite all of my painful efforts to keep the large opening on my foot from getting infected, it did. So Saturday morning my roomie rushed me to the ER, where a very funny good looking Dr. fixed my foot...........well not really. I mean he prescribed me the drugs to fix my foot, and the pain killers. The rest was up to me. But this injury has been a trial. Not only has it been intensely painful, but I also had to miss 8 days of work, because I couldn't really walk. But on the positive, the 8 days I took off, aloud me to spend time with one of Kam's Best friends. Leah Ray, who I love. We had lots of fun together.
I got my Class schedule for my first semester in the Journalism. I have 10 classes! And I thought I had a lot when I signed up for 4 classes in one semester. I for see myself being over tired, over worked, and broke by the end of this year. But it will be worth it......If I have to survive off of Kraft dinner and Presidents choice brand corn flakes for the next two years, it will be alright with me. It's much better then spending an eternity ring groceries through a till, and arguing with people over the price of olives. Give me 4 am paper writing any day over that!
Lauraj and Will broke up.....he cheated. She moved to Cardston and in a few weeks she will be on her way to Ontario. To figure out what she wants to do with her life.....and live off her parents. I'm glad she's going, the girl she's been for the past year is not who she is. I hope that she finds herself, it's hard work. But I'm a living testament that it can happen!
I attended by far the greatest LDS singles Dance ever to happen last Friday. The music was great, not a single cotton eyed joe, or little mermaid remix in sight. It was held out side so that hot sweaty factor was cut out completely.......it's always nice to dance with boys that don't smell like they just ran a 10k. I danced slows songs with boys. nothing to be overly excited about, they are boys but not those kind of boys.
Robert was the first to ask me to dance, we talked about how everyone thinks he looks much older than 19 and he spit in my face at least 4 time while talking to me. which is horrid, what are you suppose to do when that happens? I can't just wipe the spit off my face! that would hurt his feelings, and backing up defiantly wasn't an option with this dance. So I endured the shower and ran after the song was over.
Other than Robert there was a horrible attempt at waltzing with Nolan, a very awkward dance lesson with Ken, and a dance with brad (who might as well be a girl). But despite the lack of romance it was an excellent dance.
Other than these few topics, life has been rather uneventful. I me for me it's a blast, but I'm not sure the latest news on top model is really what everyone wants to read about.
So for now thats all. Hopefully I can get it together enough to post at least once a week! I leave with one of my all time favorite songs, sung by one of my all time favourite singers. It fits my mood of the last month or so.
Wow
That never happens.
I guess I can tell you about life!
First off Kam got a boyfriend. It's all very romantic and happy.....for her. For those of us who don't have a boyfriend it's 30% exciting 20% horrible (because we don't have a boyfriend) and 50% repetitive. I'm super happy that she is happy, but I swear if I hear that sigh followed by "Guys my boyfriend is SO amazing" I'm going to drink a bottle of bleach!
It's self fish.....I am aware of this. But I'm only human!
I recently Had to go to the hospital. I fell on the side walk, and despite all of my painful efforts to keep the large opening on my foot from getting infected, it did. So Saturday morning my roomie rushed me to the ER, where a very funny good looking Dr. fixed my foot...........well not really. I mean he prescribed me the drugs to fix my foot, and the pain killers. The rest was up to me. But this injury has been a trial. Not only has it been intensely painful, but I also had to miss 8 days of work, because I couldn't really walk. But on the positive, the 8 days I took off, aloud me to spend time with one of Kam's Best friends. Leah Ray, who I love. We had lots of fun together.
I got my Class schedule for my first semester in the Journalism. I have 10 classes! And I thought I had a lot when I signed up for 4 classes in one semester. I for see myself being over tired, over worked, and broke by the end of this year. But it will be worth it......If I have to survive off of Kraft dinner and Presidents choice brand corn flakes for the next two years, it will be alright with me. It's much better then spending an eternity ring groceries through a till, and arguing with people over the price of olives. Give me 4 am paper writing any day over that!
Lauraj and Will broke up.....he cheated. She moved to Cardston and in a few weeks she will be on her way to Ontario. To figure out what she wants to do with her life.....and live off her parents. I'm glad she's going, the girl she's been for the past year is not who she is. I hope that she finds herself, it's hard work. But I'm a living testament that it can happen!
I attended by far the greatest LDS singles Dance ever to happen last Friday. The music was great, not a single cotton eyed joe, or little mermaid remix in sight. It was held out side so that hot sweaty factor was cut out completely.......it's always nice to dance with boys that don't smell like they just ran a 10k. I danced slows songs with boys. nothing to be overly excited about, they are boys but not those kind of boys.
Robert was the first to ask me to dance, we talked about how everyone thinks he looks much older than 19 and he spit in my face at least 4 time while talking to me. which is horrid, what are you suppose to do when that happens? I can't just wipe the spit off my face! that would hurt his feelings, and backing up defiantly wasn't an option with this dance. So I endured the shower and ran after the song was over.
Other than Robert there was a horrible attempt at waltzing with Nolan, a very awkward dance lesson with Ken, and a dance with brad (who might as well be a girl). But despite the lack of romance it was an excellent dance.
Other than these few topics, life has been rather uneventful. I me for me it's a blast, but I'm not sure the latest news on top model is really what everyone wants to read about.
So for now thats all. Hopefully I can get it together enough to post at least once a week! I leave with one of my all time favorite songs, sung by one of my all time favourite singers. It fits my mood of the last month or so.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Mistake?
I have done a lot of thinking since getting back to the bridge. I've asked my self time and time again, "Was this a mistake? Did I do the right thing by moving back here?"
I can't really answer that. I don' t ever classify anything I do in my life as a mistake. Nothing can be a mistake, I didn't make the wrong move, I didn't lose points in the game. Because I have grown up from all the things I have done. Wrong or right they are me, and I lived them.
However I can say that I have learnt some very important things from coming back to the bridge.
I learnt that I am not meant to stay here. I have always had such a hard time letting go of this place. Time and time again I run back here, and feel like I am home. This time I got here, and felt like this wasn't home anymore. Maybe that's why I had to come back, to figure out that it's ok to let go. I still plan on starting school in the fall, and then looking at transfer schools, in different cities. I don't know where I'm suppose to go, but I know that in the long run it's not here. The nice thing about realizing this, is that there is no emergency. There's no tragic happenings that force me to leave. There's just me ready to start living.
I have learnt that sometimes loosing someone is for the best. Of course I know that losing he who must not be named, is good. but for once I'm not referring to him. I'm referring to me. It's been hard to come back, and have all my friends put me in my old role again. Cathy the protector, the shoulder to hold on to, the backbone, the mother, the controller. Because that's not who I am. Since I got back I have felt like I can't just be me. That is because I can't, everyone wants me to be the friend that they remember. But I'm just not that girl. This realization makes me so happy. Because the girl I was, was nothing I wanted to be. I am proud of the person I turned into over the last few months. Now I need to learn how to be her, even in a situation like this.
I have learnt that some people are meant to come and go. I only have a hand full of friends that I have been friends with for a significant amount of time. Those people are the people, who don't always make the head lines of my life. Blake is one of the, Elizabeth is another. It was a surprise to me when I realized that the people that mean the most to me where people that wouldn't stick around. Lauraj I thought would be there every step of the way. But I was wrong. I never thought that we would change so much that we would drift apart. But we have. I know that should be a sad thing, but that's just how it has always been. Debbie was my best friend and we changed and drifted apart, Melanie, Ike, Carrie, Kodie, Bonnie, Steph,Cody and now Laura. They each helped make me into the girl I am. I'm not saying that Laura and me are no more, we still are friends, I'm saying that we have changed and drifted apart, and I see us getting farther and farther. But that's ok.
I have learnt that being close to my heavenly father is my number one goal. I finally figured out what I was looking for, by bouncing back and forth from ward to ward. I'm looking for a chance to serve, to feel his love, and to learn.
Most of all I have learnt that life is short, but long. That all the dreams and aspirations. point me in the same direction, and that even though it has taken this long for me to get them set in motion, I have even longer to make them come true. I have gained a sense of hope that I just never understood. And for that lesson I am eternally grateful for.
I can't really answer that. I don' t ever classify anything I do in my life as a mistake. Nothing can be a mistake, I didn't make the wrong move, I didn't lose points in the game. Because I have grown up from all the things I have done. Wrong or right they are me, and I lived them.
However I can say that I have learnt some very important things from coming back to the bridge.
I learnt that I am not meant to stay here. I have always had such a hard time letting go of this place. Time and time again I run back here, and feel like I am home. This time I got here, and felt like this wasn't home anymore. Maybe that's why I had to come back, to figure out that it's ok to let go. I still plan on starting school in the fall, and then looking at transfer schools, in different cities. I don't know where I'm suppose to go, but I know that in the long run it's not here. The nice thing about realizing this, is that there is no emergency. There's no tragic happenings that force me to leave. There's just me ready to start living.
I have learnt that sometimes loosing someone is for the best. Of course I know that losing he who must not be named, is good. but for once I'm not referring to him. I'm referring to me. It's been hard to come back, and have all my friends put me in my old role again. Cathy the protector, the shoulder to hold on to, the backbone, the mother, the controller. Because that's not who I am. Since I got back I have felt like I can't just be me. That is because I can't, everyone wants me to be the friend that they remember. But I'm just not that girl. This realization makes me so happy. Because the girl I was, was nothing I wanted to be. I am proud of the person I turned into over the last few months. Now I need to learn how to be her, even in a situation like this.
I have learnt that some people are meant to come and go. I only have a hand full of friends that I have been friends with for a significant amount of time. Those people are the people, who don't always make the head lines of my life. Blake is one of the, Elizabeth is another. It was a surprise to me when I realized that the people that mean the most to me where people that wouldn't stick around. Lauraj I thought would be there every step of the way. But I was wrong. I never thought that we would change so much that we would drift apart. But we have. I know that should be a sad thing, but that's just how it has always been. Debbie was my best friend and we changed and drifted apart, Melanie, Ike, Carrie, Kodie, Bonnie, Steph,Cody and now Laura. They each helped make me into the girl I am. I'm not saying that Laura and me are no more, we still are friends, I'm saying that we have changed and drifted apart, and I see us getting farther and farther. But that's ok.
I have learnt that being close to my heavenly father is my number one goal. I finally figured out what I was looking for, by bouncing back and forth from ward to ward. I'm looking for a chance to serve, to feel his love, and to learn.
Most of all I have learnt that life is short, but long. That all the dreams and aspirations. point me in the same direction, and that even though it has taken this long for me to get them set in motion, I have even longer to make them come true. I have gained a sense of hope that I just never understood. And for that lesson I am eternally grateful for.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
it crossed my mind
I felt like I needed to post something....so here is a few things that have crossed my mind this week.
1. Fashion. I love fashion. If I can't make it as a political or environmental journalist. I plan on selling my soul, and being a fashion journalist. Funny I know to want to educate the world on the state of our planet, but would settle on the mindless fashion industry. What can I say? How ever I will always be able to comment on peoples fashion, even if I am a fabulously deep journalist. Exhibit A came through my till yesterday. A huge man, with a thick white bread, those sweat pants that sinch at the bottom and pair of suspenders holding them up over a black stained T shirt and a jean vest. Plus I do believe he was one of those people T told me about last weekend, the one's that don't have the luxury of showering ever day.
2. I have been bouncing back and forth from a family ward and a singles ward since I got back to the bridge. I have been trying to figure out what ward would help me concentrate more on the spirit and topics being said. And less on the boys that I want to date. Turns out single guys are in a family ward too. Luckily their not overly attractive, and usually come with a pile full of baggage and an ex wife. So needless to say there is not to much pressure in a family ward. I feel like I am looking for a needle in a haystack....a needle that is actually in the pin cushion, I just happened to not see it there. scratch that it's more like an invisible needle in a haystack. Maybe I feel this way because I don't really know what I'm looking for. But it's something.
3. I have decided to be an adult. Instead of quitting the job I'm currently at, I decided to grow up and find a better job before I just ditch and live off no money. sometimes I am super grateful for the things I was taught as a young women. Responsibility isn't often one of them. It makes me do things logically and doesn't leave a lot of room for spontaneity. just saying....I could handle a little less genetically inherited responsibility.
4. I hate working Sundays.....I would give up my arm, leg and left breast to never have to work again on Sundays
for the rest of my life. Just saying. Any takers?
5. I realized that being tied down is all a mental illusion. I was recently freaking out, because I had stuck my self in the bridge again. And I couldn't go anywhere or live life. then I realized the things I let tie me down, only tied me down because I let them. So I untied them......I'm currently waiting for the opportunity that will make me feel alive. I found a job in the paper yesterday that said "Get paid to travel" $450 a week travel the country for the summer, students preferred. it was like a sign from God. Not saying I'm taking it, just said it was a sign from God. I can live my dreams they are right there in the news paper.
1. Fashion. I love fashion. If I can't make it as a political or environmental journalist. I plan on selling my soul, and being a fashion journalist. Funny I know to want to educate the world on the state of our planet, but would settle on the mindless fashion industry. What can I say? How ever I will always be able to comment on peoples fashion, even if I am a fabulously deep journalist. Exhibit A came through my till yesterday. A huge man, with a thick white bread, those sweat pants that sinch at the bottom and pair of suspenders holding them up over a black stained T shirt and a jean vest. Plus I do believe he was one of those people T told me about last weekend, the one's that don't have the luxury of showering ever day.
2. I have been bouncing back and forth from a family ward and a singles ward since I got back to the bridge. I have been trying to figure out what ward would help me concentrate more on the spirit and topics being said. And less on the boys that I want to date. Turns out single guys are in a family ward too. Luckily their not overly attractive, and usually come with a pile full of baggage and an ex wife. So needless to say there is not to much pressure in a family ward. I feel like I am looking for a needle in a haystack....a needle that is actually in the pin cushion, I just happened to not see it there. scratch that it's more like an invisible needle in a haystack. Maybe I feel this way because I don't really know what I'm looking for. But it's something.
3. I have decided to be an adult. Instead of quitting the job I'm currently at, I decided to grow up and find a better job before I just ditch and live off no money. sometimes I am super grateful for the things I was taught as a young women. Responsibility isn't often one of them. It makes me do things logically and doesn't leave a lot of room for spontaneity. just saying....I could handle a little less genetically inherited responsibility.
4. I hate working Sundays.....I would give up my arm, leg and left breast to never have to work again on Sundays
for the rest of my life. Just saying. Any takers?5. I realized that being tied down is all a mental illusion. I was recently freaking out, because I had stuck my self in the bridge again. And I couldn't go anywhere or live life. then I realized the things I let tie me down, only tied me down because I let them. So I untied them......I'm currently waiting for the opportunity that will make me feel alive. I found a job in the paper yesterday that said "Get paid to travel" $450 a week travel the country for the summer, students preferred. it was like a sign from God. Not saying I'm taking it, just said it was a sign from God. I can live my dreams they are right there in the news paper.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Catch Up
It seems like I have written a dozen blog post since I got here, But none of them have given a glimpse of what is actually happening in my life.
So here's a catch up post. Of the goings on of my life.
First off I am back working at a grocery store! can't you hear the excitement in my voice? No? well let me try a little harder next time. It is just like before when I worked at a grocery store, except that I don't know anyone, and it is slightly colder in Sobeys than IGA.
I really do need an attitude adjustment about my job situation, but I just can't seem to figure out anything to like about this job. oh well 3 more months and it's back to school. Then working in a grocery store will be numbed by the fact that in 4 years I will be a journalist.
The new room mates. Well Kam and me have gotten tight. We share clothes and go shopping together. We talk about life and *cough boys cough cough*. We go to church together and we go to institute together. and we love each other. lol. as for the other two roomies....
Well Erin isn't home much, but when she is she is consumed with her current boy Austin. Who she just kissed after dating for four months!
And then there is Leah. Remember what I once predicted about Leah? well I was right. turns out she went into our landlords house (they live above us) and stole a thousand dollars worth of rent money. And then after they made it clear to everyone that they knew who took it, she very unsneakily returned it. still waiting to hear if she will be kicked out. I hope she does. since I am now afraid to leave anything in my house unattended.
Other than that not a lot has happened. It hasn't been all sun shine and roses since I got back. But nothing has spun out of control, and it won't be. The hardest part of being back is not being near my family. I just developed this new found appreciation for the role of family. Now it's rather lonely with out them. I definitely miss T and her witty banter, B and all the random things we talk about. Mr. O's bright shinning face and funny little sayings, Aunt J and Uncle J trying to get me a job at a bank, and fast Sunday dinners. But I am adjusting.
And to tell you the truth I am glad my I don't have anymore drama than just those 2 paragraphs. I use to be able to fill pages with the drama in my life. now I can barely think of enough to fill half a post.
THANK GOODNESS!
So here's a catch up post. Of the goings on of my life.
First off I am back working at a grocery store! can't you hear the excitement in my voice? No? well let me try a little harder next time. It is just like before when I worked at a grocery store, except that I don't know anyone, and it is slightly colder in Sobeys than IGA.
I really do need an attitude adjustment about my job situation, but I just can't seem to figure out anything to like about this job. oh well 3 more months and it's back to school. Then working in a grocery store will be numbed by the fact that in 4 years I will be a journalist.
The new room mates. Well Kam and me have gotten tight. We share clothes and go shopping together. We talk about life and *cough boys cough cough*. We go to church together and we go to institute together. and we love each other. lol. as for the other two roomies....
Well Erin isn't home much, but when she is she is consumed with her current boy Austin. Who she just kissed after dating for four months!
And then there is Leah. Remember what I once predicted about Leah? well I was right. turns out she went into our landlords house (they live above us) and stole a thousand dollars worth of rent money. And then after they made it clear to everyone that they knew who took it, she very unsneakily returned it. still waiting to hear if she will be kicked out. I hope she does. since I am now afraid to leave anything in my house unattended.
Other than that not a lot has happened. It hasn't been all sun shine and roses since I got back. But nothing has spun out of control, and it won't be. The hardest part of being back is not being near my family. I just developed this new found appreciation for the role of family. Now it's rather lonely with out them. I definitely miss T and her witty banter, B and all the random things we talk about. Mr. O's bright shinning face and funny little sayings, Aunt J and Uncle J trying to get me a job at a bank, and fast Sunday dinners. But I am adjusting.
And to tell you the truth I am glad my I don't have anymore drama than just those 2 paragraphs. I use to be able to fill pages with the drama in my life. now I can barely think of enough to fill half a post.
THANK GOODNESS!
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