Week One
May 1st, 2011
"While we are postponing, life speeds by".
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 5 BC-
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 5 BC-
Monday, May 2, 2011
52 weeks... round two
We all know I love photography. We all also know that I try to do photo challenges. AND we all definitely know I have never finished a challenge! But I'm doing it again! Starting now.
Monday, April 25, 2011
The work and timing
Since I put a stop to my friendship with Bryan, life has changed a lot. Actually I have changed a lot.
But the biggest problem I have been running into is timing.
I spent almost two years thinking of what would happen once I wasn't on pause with Bryan.
Once I left him, I was about to graduate. There were things I needed to work towards that were coming up fast.
Finishing my practicum, graduation, moving, getting my brother settled.
I felt like my life was going forward.
Then it all stopped. I finished everything that needed to be done and nothing else was working out. I think I was expecting things to just happen. Like the universe was going to just give me a break and align everything.
B use to tell me think two steps ahead, then take one step.
In this case I was thinking 8 steps ahead and trying to take 6 steps.
When I realized that wasn't going to work out I got a bit upset. I am so sick of not having money, a car, or being able to rely on just myself. I didn't want to do the work, once again I just wanted the end result.
That's how I am.
I don't want to build a relationship. I want to be swept up in a furry of romance and find my one true love. I don't want to start at the bottom and work my way to my dream job. I want to get a phone call offering me a job with a top ad firm. I've never enjoyed the work. So I have always looked for the easy way to get the end result.
The end result when skipping the work, is getting less than what I deserve. But I guess if you don't do the work then you end up with what you deserve.
Falling in love doesn't just happen. You meet someone, you build the foundations, you get to know someone, you support them and they support you. But when you don't want to do the work, you end up with people who are usually looking for someone to save them. They are fine with you supporting them, getting to know them, and even letting you love them. But they aren't okay with doing the same for you, because they can't. They can't love you becasue they don't know you, but they can need you and that is almost the same.
being needed is not being loved. Being loved is so much more than just that.
Having to do the work is hard. But it's not harder.
So even though I hate doing the work it takes to deal with my issues, to make money, to be happy, to find love. I am going to because I would rather work hard and get what I deserve, then skip it and have my life end up the same.
Sometimes dreaming about my life makes it hard to wait.The more I think about travel, the more I want to just go. Especially on days when I'm just sitting around. It's so hard to wait for the things that I want so much. But I have never been able to work my way around that.
Usually I just get fed up with trying to save the money it takes to travel, or get a car, or have nice things, and I give up.
Once my Mom asked me when I was really broke, "What do you have to show for all the money you've made?" I think the list went like this: my ipod, my laptop, my living expenses. At the time I was working full time at IGA and could help but hate my life. While my room mates were all driving cars, paying for their educations, and affording their living expenses.
That is how it's always been, it's to hard to save and work my way to a car. So why bother? I can live, and I'll have fun with what I make.
Timing and the work. Those are my biggest weakness.
That's why I've decided to start doing the work and not letting the timing stop me from getting what I want. If I end up being 30 and just barely getting to where I want to be, than that's okay. It's okay not to have it all together right now, I'm 22. And maybe accomplishment wise I won't be on top for a while. That's okay. This is me accepting that. And this is me changing.
But the biggest problem I have been running into is timing.
I spent almost two years thinking of what would happen once I wasn't on pause with Bryan.
Once I left him, I was about to graduate. There were things I needed to work towards that were coming up fast.
Finishing my practicum, graduation, moving, getting my brother settled.
I felt like my life was going forward.
Then it all stopped. I finished everything that needed to be done and nothing else was working out. I think I was expecting things to just happen. Like the universe was going to just give me a break and align everything.
B use to tell me think two steps ahead, then take one step.
In this case I was thinking 8 steps ahead and trying to take 6 steps.
When I realized that wasn't going to work out I got a bit upset. I am so sick of not having money, a car, or being able to rely on just myself. I didn't want to do the work, once again I just wanted the end result.
That's how I am.
I don't want to build a relationship. I want to be swept up in a furry of romance and find my one true love. I don't want to start at the bottom and work my way to my dream job. I want to get a phone call offering me a job with a top ad firm. I've never enjoyed the work. So I have always looked for the easy way to get the end result.
The end result when skipping the work, is getting less than what I deserve. But I guess if you don't do the work then you end up with what you deserve.
Falling in love doesn't just happen. You meet someone, you build the foundations, you get to know someone, you support them and they support you. But when you don't want to do the work, you end up with people who are usually looking for someone to save them. They are fine with you supporting them, getting to know them, and even letting you love them. But they aren't okay with doing the same for you, because they can't. They can't love you becasue they don't know you, but they can need you and that is almost the same.
being needed is not being loved. Being loved is so much more than just that.
Having to do the work is hard. But it's not harder.
So even though I hate doing the work it takes to deal with my issues, to make money, to be happy, to find love. I am going to because I would rather work hard and get what I deserve, then skip it and have my life end up the same.
Sometimes dreaming about my life makes it hard to wait.The more I think about travel, the more I want to just go. Especially on days when I'm just sitting around. It's so hard to wait for the things that I want so much. But I have never been able to work my way around that.
Usually I just get fed up with trying to save the money it takes to travel, or get a car, or have nice things, and I give up.
Once my Mom asked me when I was really broke, "What do you have to show for all the money you've made?" I think the list went like this: my ipod, my laptop, my living expenses. At the time I was working full time at IGA and could help but hate my life. While my room mates were all driving cars, paying for their educations, and affording their living expenses.
That is how it's always been, it's to hard to save and work my way to a car. So why bother? I can live, and I'll have fun with what I make.
Timing and the work. Those are my biggest weakness.
That's why I've decided to start doing the work and not letting the timing stop me from getting what I want. If I end up being 30 and just barely getting to where I want to be, than that's okay. It's okay not to have it all together right now, I'm 22. And maybe accomplishment wise I won't be on top for a while. That's okay. This is me accepting that. And this is me changing.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Chapter four
Well I have been out of Lethbridge for about 3 weeks now.
Being gone has had its joys and hardships. Of course it's pretty hard to hold anything in when I'm living with my main go-to people. All it takes is a "So how'd it go?" and I suddenly am spilling my guts.
Mostly moving has been a wave of emotion.
I had issues that needed some attention I didn't even know about!
At first being here was great. I was motivated, excited and optamistic.
Soon I was discouraged, bored, and verging melt down.
Then I realized maybe instead of throwing myself into another situation that ends badly, I should deal with myself. I have always had issues being alone with my self. Of course T is here all day long too, but it's not like I sit by her side all day long listening to her witty one liners (I know shocker!) But being alone with myself mostly involves having nothing to distract myself with.
So I started dealing. There has been a lot of plots about how to get back at Bryan. A few run in scenarios with various people who I know live in Calgary, but don't keep contact with. There's been many why-the-hell-did-I-waste-my-time-at-school-if-I-can't-even-get-a- f-ing-job-with-this-damn-degree moments. Even more this is what I want to be doing with my life dreams.
In the end, I'm here with T and KC (and the occasional mass of children) working at the mall, trying to deal with my core issues before I get into a full swing new life.
It feels kind of like I'm building a bridge. I'm saving money, dealing with problems, building new friendships. I can see the other end (the end where I am getting on a plane to go to see B and Thailand) but as of right now I'm building the supports so I don't fall through half way there again.
So this is Chapter four of my life. Chapter one being ages 1-15 and all the dramas and hardships in that age range. Two is 16-18 a much shorter chapter but a glimpse of my first crash-and-burn, falling in love, being independent and broke. Chapter Three is 19 - to leaving Lethbridge (I think it can be appropriately named the rise and fall of Bryan-ism). And Chapter four. This chapter I hope will be much happier than the last few. Mostly I will be looking back at the last three chapters of my life, making a what-not-to-do list, and dealing with unresolved issues.
But this chapter is already full of good.
So there it is, Chapter four. Stay tuned for plot twists, climaxes, comedy, tragedy, and success.
Being gone has had its joys and hardships. Of course it's pretty hard to hold anything in when I'm living with my main go-to people. All it takes is a "So how'd it go?" and I suddenly am spilling my guts.
Mostly moving has been a wave of emotion.
I had issues that needed some attention I didn't even know about!
At first being here was great. I was motivated, excited and optamistic.
Soon I was discouraged, bored, and verging melt down.
Then I realized maybe instead of throwing myself into another situation that ends badly, I should deal with myself. I have always had issues being alone with my self. Of course T is here all day long too, but it's not like I sit by her side all day long listening to her witty one liners (I know shocker!) But being alone with myself mostly involves having nothing to distract myself with.
So I started dealing. There has been a lot of plots about how to get back at Bryan. A few run in scenarios with various people who I know live in Calgary, but don't keep contact with. There's been many why-the-hell-did-I-waste-my-time-at-school-if-I-can't-even-get-a- f-ing-job-with-this-damn-degree moments. Even more this is what I want to be doing with my life dreams.
In the end, I'm here with T and KC (and the occasional mass of children) working at the mall, trying to deal with my core issues before I get into a full swing new life.
It feels kind of like I'm building a bridge. I'm saving money, dealing with problems, building new friendships. I can see the other end (the end where I am getting on a plane to go to see B and Thailand) but as of right now I'm building the supports so I don't fall through half way there again.
So this is Chapter four of my life. Chapter one being ages 1-15 and all the dramas and hardships in that age range. Two is 16-18 a much shorter chapter but a glimpse of my first crash-and-burn, falling in love, being independent and broke. Chapter Three is 19 - to leaving Lethbridge (I think it can be appropriately named the rise and fall of Bryan-ism). And Chapter four. This chapter I hope will be much happier than the last few. Mostly I will be looking back at the last three chapters of my life, making a what-not-to-do list, and dealing with unresolved issues.
But this chapter is already full of good.
So there it is, Chapter four. Stay tuned for plot twists, climaxes, comedy, tragedy, and success.
Friday, April 8, 2011
friended
It's been a pretty boring week. Boring weeks lead to boring activities to pass the time. I was looking at my profile pictures, reading the comments, see who liked what, when I came across a old picture of me. I have been over my pictures so many times I can recite the comments in my sleep. But this time something was different.
A small picture appeared next to an old comment left by Cody. If you know the story of Cody then you should also know that after I convinced him to not be my friend anymore he blocked me. So for three years there has been that little FB guy next to his comment.
I clicked on the link to his name just to see if it was a mistake. Nope no mistake, he un-blocked me.
Now it's been three years. I am totally a different person now then I was then. But now that he wanted to opened up the communication with me again, suddenly I felt like that 19 year old girl again.
I HATE that 19 year old girl.
So then I texted Lauraj and she tells me oh yeah Cody is turning his life around again. And he is looking for something familiar to cling onto again... Well thanks for telling me exactly what old Cathy likes to hear. WHAT!? There's someone of the opposite sex who needs my help!? Well okay let me throw my entire life away to help him! DUH-DUH-DUH DUUUUHHHH!!! You think after 6 years of being my best friend the woman would know what NOT to say.
So I spent 15 minutes staring at his FB page. Internally struggling once again wither or not to friend him.
I thought about how awful the past two years have been with Bryan. About the times I wished Cody would do what he promised and save me from this man. This man who completely destroyed who I was.
He never showed up.
I never heard a whisper, or saw a glimpse of this guy who told me even if I didn't want him in my lief he was there for me.
I was alone again.
The thing about me now is that I am not old Cathy. Bryan took old Cathy and stomped all over her, and then ripped her down over and over and over.
I'm not the girls anymore.
I didn't click the add as friend button.
I don't care if Cody needs some one, I needed someone and he wasn't there for me.
I'm not mad at Cody, I'm not still in love with him. I'm just not going to take a step back into the shittiest 4 years of my life.
Cody started something, Bryan brought out the worst in it, and I'm stopping it.
Hi my name is Cathy Coppin, and I am happy. For the first time in years, and I wont let anyone Cody or not take that away from me.
I hope Cody's life work out for him. But I'm not going to take the chance and see if he really has changed. Because it doesn't matter.
A small picture appeared next to an old comment left by Cody. If you know the story of Cody then you should also know that after I convinced him to not be my friend anymore he blocked me. So for three years there has been that little FB guy next to his comment.
I clicked on the link to his name just to see if it was a mistake. Nope no mistake, he un-blocked me.
Now it's been three years. I am totally a different person now then I was then. But now that he wanted to opened up the communication with me again, suddenly I felt like that 19 year old girl again.
I HATE that 19 year old girl.
So then I texted Lauraj and she tells me oh yeah Cody is turning his life around again. And he is looking for something familiar to cling onto again... Well thanks for telling me exactly what old Cathy likes to hear. WHAT!? There's someone of the opposite sex who needs my help!? Well okay let me throw my entire life away to help him! DUH-DUH-DUH DUUUUHHHH!!! You think after 6 years of being my best friend the woman would know what NOT to say.
So I spent 15 minutes staring at his FB page. Internally struggling once again wither or not to friend him.
I thought about how awful the past two years have been with Bryan. About the times I wished Cody would do what he promised and save me from this man. This man who completely destroyed who I was.
He never showed up.
I never heard a whisper, or saw a glimpse of this guy who told me even if I didn't want him in my lief he was there for me.
I was alone again.
The thing about me now is that I am not old Cathy. Bryan took old Cathy and stomped all over her, and then ripped her down over and over and over.
I'm not the girls anymore.
I didn't click the add as friend button.
I don't care if Cody needs some one, I needed someone and he wasn't there for me.
I'm not mad at Cody, I'm not still in love with him. I'm just not going to take a step back into the shittiest 4 years of my life.
Cody started something, Bryan brought out the worst in it, and I'm stopping it.
Hi my name is Cathy Coppin, and I am happy. For the first time in years, and I wont let anyone Cody or not take that away from me.
I hope Cody's life work out for him. But I'm not going to take the chance and see if he really has changed. Because it doesn't matter.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
12.Some pictures you love
Well I love pictures so this could be a long one. So instead of showing you a bunch of random photos that are cute, I'm going to feature some of my favorite photographers!! Spread the Photography Love!!!
My photo. Lets face it you've all seen this before, but this photo remains a favorite.
This Photo was taken by Peter Fiorino. He was in my first year classes. Great guy, lots of fun, fantastic photos. Once his site is finished you can see Peters work here ...
FRESHphotography this photographer is based out of BC but I have totally fallen in love with her photos! you can find FRESHphotography here ...
Sarah Novak aka the big sister of Bryan is one of my favorite photographers. Or maybe it's just her subject matter I love! either way you can find Sarah Novak here...
Ruthless Photos is an Australian based photographer, she does animal photography. Mostly dog, love her stuff love those puppies! You can find Ruthless Photos here ...
Bobbi-Joe Grunewald Photography aka my cousin! I have always loved Bobbi's work (this one is particular, as this cutie belongs to Kendra . And has the most crazy blue eyes!) You can find Bobbi here ...
This Beloved Life by Danielle is based out of Red Deer, I love her stuff and I also love her website layout (thats the design nerd in me) You can find This Beloved Life here ...
Now I don't know if Andre Dupuis of Departures counts as a photographer, but seriously this man has got some talent!Read about Andre's travels, and his photography here.
Last but not least, my photography partner in crime, KC Roberts. Case and I share a common love (other than his wife/my cousin) we both love taking photos. You can see KC's work here (if he ever updates it!) ...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
11. Goals
It's very fitting that 2 days before I leave the topic is goals. Hum goals, well up until about a month ago my only goal was to survive. Now life is more optimistic, and since I am about to start a new chapter in my life I think writing some goals is just about right.
1. Men. My first goal is to find a balance. I've never really been concerned about finding the one, until a guy casts me a tidbit of attention. Then suddenly my calm, cool, collected self, becomes a anxious, jealous wreck. My first goal as a college graduate, is to remain cool, calm and collected until I find someone who is actually worth the stress. But then if he's worth it I dont think there will be a need for Cathy psycho-woman to emerge.
2. Second goal, get a car. Before the beginning of the summer. It's literally been 3 years since I first said, "I'm saving up for a car!" Some car I should have by now. Yeah, I think my wardrobe can take a hit until I can afford a little rust bucket and the insurance for it.
3. One thing that I should do a lot more is give more energy to those who give it back. Stephanie and Stephen, Tiffany and Casey, Zach, Jessica McCrea. That's just the short list. No more energy goes to the Bryans of the world.
4. SAVE MONEY! Like seriously why is this so hard to do! I would like to save $2000 this year. For no planed reason, other than having a surplus of $2000.
5. Okay I know realistically this is a lot of money saved but I will leave North America this year. I don't know where, or how long. BUT this year I will finally conquer one of my life long dreams and step foot in a different continent.
6. Be stable. I would like to feel stable for once this year. I want to get an apartment and not know in one year I'll be moving. I want to decorate it, make it my own. I want to buy things and not think "actually why get this, it's just going to be a pain in the ass to move." And who knows maybe get a dog!
7. I want a good job, in my field. That I make over $10,000 a year at.
1. Men. My first goal is to find a balance. I've never really been concerned about finding the one, until a guy casts me a tidbit of attention. Then suddenly my calm, cool, collected self, becomes a anxious, jealous wreck. My first goal as a college graduate, is to remain cool, calm and collected until I find someone who is actually worth the stress. But then if he's worth it I dont think there will be a need for Cathy psycho-woman to emerge.
2. Second goal, get a car. Before the beginning of the summer. It's literally been 3 years since I first said, "I'm saving up for a car!" Some car I should have by now. Yeah, I think my wardrobe can take a hit until I can afford a little rust bucket and the insurance for it.
3. One thing that I should do a lot more is give more energy to those who give it back. Stephanie and Stephen, Tiffany and Casey, Zach, Jessica McCrea. That's just the short list. No more energy goes to the Bryans of the world.
4. SAVE MONEY! Like seriously why is this so hard to do! I would like to save $2000 this year. For no planed reason, other than having a surplus of $2000.
5. Okay I know realistically this is a lot of money saved but I will leave North America this year. I don't know where, or how long. BUT this year I will finally conquer one of my life long dreams and step foot in a different continent.
6. Be stable. I would like to feel stable for once this year. I want to get an apartment and not know in one year I'll be moving. I want to decorate it, make it my own. I want to buy things and not think "actually why get this, it's just going to be a pain in the ass to move." And who knows maybe get a dog!
7. I want a good job, in my field. That I make over $10,000 a year at.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
10. What you believe
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. -Dr. Seuss-
Be the change you want to see in the world.
That's what I believe.
Monday, March 28, 2011
9. Favorite TV shows
Okay this is a fun one. I have about a hundred favorite shows, like I said earlier I get a little TV obsessed, probably because my life in general is really dull. Okay so here they are, my current favorite TV shows!
I just started watching Prison Break, so far so good. Though it doesn't have the addictive quality the rest of my shows have had on me.
This is the first season of the Apprentice that I have actually watched. But you gotta love watching classic celebs go head to head....
I could talk about Departures forever! or say log on to CityTV's website and see for your self why I love this show!
Who doesn't love Glee? It's a whole hour of good songs, and good looking men!
This show is my 2nd all time favorite show! I mean come on....It's LEGN...wait for it....DARY!
My life as Liz is an MTV show about a girl just out of high school, surviving New York, heart break, and life with out her Nerd Herd. It's kind of "the Hills" esk. As it's her actual life (but I'm pretty sure most of it is scripted) Regardless Liz reminds me of my BFF Laura, and well is just addicting!
Even though I lost the bad guy, I still watch Survivor. No decision on wither I'll watch once Rob is gone... But I can't deny Boston Rob my weekly love.
I LOVE TEEN MOM. I'm a bit of a reality TV junkie. But this season is just as good as the last. And the Babies are So CUTE!
Number one all time favorite TV show. I'm not a big Vampire fan, but seriously there's something appealing about these Vampires.....especially Eric Northman. Can't wait for season four to start!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
8. Put your iPod on shuffle, first ten songs
So you want to know what songs will come up on my iPod humm? Well brace yourself....
1. Don't Panic - Coldplay
2. Get Crazy - LMFAO
3. The Fixer- Pearl Jam
4. Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
5. Drown- Three Days Grace
6.Never Leave Lonely Alone - Ben Harper
7. Don't Rush - Teagan and Sarah
8. That's Incentive - Death Cab for Cutie
9. Second Go - Lights
10. Hard to Concentrate - Red Hot Chili Peppers
There you have it. The first ten songs that come up on my iPod.
1. Don't Panic - Coldplay
2. Get Crazy - LMFAO
3. The Fixer- Pearl Jam
4. Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
5. Drown- Three Days Grace
6.Never Leave Lonely Alone - Ben Harper
7. Don't Rush - Teagan and Sarah
8. That's Incentive - Death Cab for Cutie
9. Second Go - Lights
10. Hard to Concentrate - Red Hot Chili Peppers
There you have it. The first ten songs that come up on my iPod.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)