Friday, November 30, 2007

time to mindlessly ramble

ok so i have 4 room mates (all girls). It seems that for the first month we were all fine. you know that "oh my gosh i am so happy i moved out from my parents house!" phase yeah i think all but me were in that. so not 2 months rolled around and BOOM! i hated my bestfriend of 2 years laura. it seems living together, despite how much you were together in high school, is a whole nother ball park. so after a while she stopped pissing me off. first i had to except the fact that i wasn't her mom and even though i control most things, i couldn't control her. then i was fine.

So a little more time passes and BOOM! like a bat outa hell elizabeth my friend since grade 5 turns her anger to me. but we are very simalar, we dont put up with crap we scream at eachother tell eachother our problems and get over of course after much talk and planning her departure from my house ( done by me sceaming and telling on her) with my mom, i got over it.

and about a week has passed and BOOM! matea. its hard to summerize matea. she is the worlds biggest two faced friend. which could have been the reason i avoided her all my years in high school... and yes that sounds mean but this is my blog so there:p anyway so matea. she is constantly saying "If anyone touches...eats...looks....thinks about my stuff i swear i'll freak!" o really tea well maybe you should not leave all your crap laying about for me to clean. if you want it for you keep it in your room! our living room is not your 2nd room! and i swear if i hear one more of her text message convos with some loser she met i will go to the door and slam my hand in it....that would at least take the pain of listening to her away. the funny thing is 3 weeks ago we were moving into a basement sweet together next semester. now i would rather be ramped by the bus then live with her!

2. i have gone on a cleaning strike. if anyone knows how messy girls are it will be easy for you to imagine my house. 5 girls, 4 bed rooms 1 kitchen 1 bathroom 2 over the normal messyness girls that refuse to clean. one girl that works all day long and one that is a biology major and me. guess who cleans? i wonder how messy this house will get? oh and the dish days will end after the calendar runs out.....i refuse to do them any longer. i went downtown to return library books and buy a bus pass. for some reason people kept saying hi to me. i would look up ( from watching were i stepped due to ice) and they would smile and say hello. its wierd to think that people care about other people. in this muffed up world.

4.i took my new friend Anika to enrichment with me tonight. thinking great it will be fun and maybe she'll think 'hey these mormons are cool' instead it was overly churchy which i dont know liking my religon and all. but i felt bad to like through her in head first.

5. i have this little problem. im pretty much head over heals for this guy lets call him NP. but i have this like excuses it goes like this "my life is so hecktic right now there is no way i could handle a relationship." lame i know but im trying to convince my self of this. the thing is that NP he is the greatest guy but not the one for me. and thats for real not a cop out. i love is personality and he is so spiritual and not to bad on the eyes. but when i look at him i go "aw he is so awesome" not "ah i want to be with him" i want a guy to sweap me off my feet . but its all in his hands. this is one thing i wish was in my hands though. until then i will live in my dream world with noah in liverpool. that is the only place that i control completely and is always the way i want this to go. if you havent guessed by now im slightly a control freak. its on and off.

6. today me and laura were on the bus and there where these 2 guy that live next door to us on the bus to and the whole time i kept looking at the back of their heads and seeing Kris. i wish i could have him in my life still. kris was the first cody. there the only 2 men in my life ( or were in my life in kris's case) that i would do anything for. and because of this strange feeling i never knew if i loved them or just cared for them. in most cases i just care for them but we all know that if kris said "cathy i love you" i would have gone running. but with cody im not so sure i think of him like that. any ways kris if you ever read this, this is a special message just for you. you are like my big brother. i hope your life is perfect because you desirve that and more.

the real truth not a lie in sight

most of my life i've lived on pure ideas. i think and then i do. this is a good and bad quality. i think things through, or part way at least, once maybe twice and then do them.

i had the thought when my mom got married, that i could live on my own at 16. the good thing is that it was the best thing i ever did. the bad thing is that it hurt my mom, the person i love the most. i wish i could say that i am sorry, but i cant because being on my own at 16 is the only reason i can survive at 18. am sorry i hurt you mom.

i had the thought that i could not be like my mom in relationships. I decided that the only way to change this would to be to have a boyfriend in high school. i was wrong. my first real relationship wasn't for love or even lust. it was for the plain and simply for the right to say i had a boyfriend in high school. this boy wasn't horrible, but is not a happy memory. but my second wasn't really a relationship but almost. even though we never officially we together (its complicated)#2 taught me the most. I finally let my self grow up. and i loved #2, unfortunately for me he didn't love me. this was another good thing i did..... because with one thought it grew up. just one simple thought. i love him.

I had the thought that i would move to Surrey BC. i had this thought 3 months before i graduated high school. and at that time i was ready for BC it was the place for me to go 3 months before i graduated. unfortunately i needed to graduate first. So i graduated, and i pack up, and saved up, and moved. first to Washington, it was suppose to just be for a few days on the way to BC. but days turned to weeks and i had a new thought. BC was not the place for me. home was. and home for me will always be Alberta. Southern Alberta. and so i acted on this thought and moved here to Lethbridge. this was a good thought and i haven't regreated it.

I had the thought i have to get away for my room mates! i need to leave. but i just cant because of my lease. not leave the city no, because i had this amazingly confusing experience. the first time i thought, and re-thought and prayed, and fasted about something. and when i got my answer to this i new no thought could change the fact that i need to go to the Lethbridge college.

and now i have a thought. i want to move to Liverpool. in 2010. i want to get some of my schooling but i want my adventures. i have always wanted to see the world. discover the places that i've never been. and so sitting on the bus coming home from work, i had this thought. and it maybe just like my BC thought. but who knows what my life holds for me. 2 years is allot of time. Look what has happened to me in the last 2 years. i grew up. 99% of me wants to go to Liverpool for the adventure. but 1% wants to prove to everyone i can. i have a reputation. i say i'll do things and then not do them. usually this is because i have to wait to do what i said. if i could have done it right then it would have happened. its not that i stop wanting it, i still would love to move to BC. its more that its just not the time.

i am a impulsive person i usually act on a thought. instead of thinking about that thought for far to long. it is very much part of who i am. i hope that if you ever have the chance you'll live like me too. on impulse. it is a thrill. the thrill is to not worry. because if you screw up there is nothing you cant fix. i promise you. so don't be so scare. do.