Saturday, January 31, 2009

when bordom sets in

Write exactly what's in your head and don't change it...
1. My 'ex' is still : In lethbridge where he should stay.
2. I am listening to : silence for once today
4. I love : deeply
5. My best friend(s) : B and Laura
6. I don't understand : what I meant to do
7. I lost my respect for : not a lot
8. I last ate: a pancake
9. The meaning of my display name is: that Cody should not try to fix us.
10. Love is : complicated but worth it
11. Somewhere : there is an answer
12. I will always : love my old life
13. Love seems to : not come to me very easily
14. I never ever want to lose : my loved ones
15. My mobile phone is : MY LIFE!
16. When I woke up this morning : I had a million things to do, all of which got done.
17. I get annoyed with : Dramatic people
18. Parties : don't have a lot of appeal to me these days.
19. My pet : Is my cell phone and Ipod
20. Kisses : Are meant to be special
21. Today I : pondered the past
22. I wish : things would fall into place always
23. I really want : to experience new things
01. recently done anything you regret? no
02. ever lied?: yes
04. ever kicked someone?: um I think so probably B a few times
05. ever tripped over your own feet?: daily
01. have you cursed?: no
02. have you yelled at someone? no
03. have you gotten mad at someone?: no
Q: is there a person who is on your mind right now?: there always is at least one person on my mind at any given time. right now theres about 4.
Q: do you have any siblings?: 1 blood, 2 step, and a handful of others
Q: Do you want children?: yes
Q: do you smile often? every day
Q: do you wish on stars? yes
Q: when did you last cry? today
Q: do you like your handwriting? yes, but I constantly change it.
Q: are you a friendly person? yes
Q: who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine
Q: what size ring do you wear? um 9 I think
Q: what color shirt are you wearing? green, and a grey one, and a red one.
Q: what were you doing at 7 PM yesterday? watching a Chinese movie B lent me.
Q: look to your right : and I see things that mean nothing to me.
1. last beverage: milk
2. last phone call: B
3. last instant message: Laura Or Jess
4. last cd played: Paramore
5. last BUBBLE bath:um like a year ago.
1. dated someone twice: sort of
2. been cheated on?: no
4. lost someone special? : yes
5. been depressed?: sure
1. Cried a lot?": not a lot but a little
2. Fallen out of love? You have to first be in love to fall out of it.
3. Laughed until you cried? yes
4. Met someone who changed your life? yes
5. Found out who your true friends were? actually I did
And now just randoms
1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?: none of my music is geeky I like it all.
2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night? KD which was gross
3. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? nothing
4. Are you a pyromaniac? no
5. Do you have too many love interests? I have maybe one, but not to many.
6. Do you know anyone famous? I know someone who went to church with nelly furtato as a child!
7. Describe your bed: Its rectangular, and comfy, and small
8. Are you spontaneous or planned? planned in my head but when it comes down to it spontaneous.
9. Who would play you in a movie? Natalie portman
10. Do you know how to play poker? yes
11. What do you carry with you at all times? my cell phone
12. What do you miss most about being a kid? not having to worry about what I will do as a grown up.
13. Are you happy with your given name? sure
14. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet? enough money to make it so I never would have to work again, and could travel anywhere at anytime.
15. What color is your bedroom? brown

Friday, January 30, 2009

a blogger hierarchy

This is a note.....mostly so you aren't confused when I stop calling BG, BG and just call him B.
While I was reading past posts, I made a discovery. The closer I get to someone the less letters they get in their name on my blog ( excluding mom).
T started out as TB, and soon became T
and just as T, B started out as BG and is know dubbed B.
and those who I know will never read this blog, remain fully named ( Laura, Steph, Liz, Cody). So that's my blogger hierarchy.

anyways on to big and more interesting topics....

Only a few more days remain until B leaves for China. I have spent every second of my free time, with him. My other friends have started to wonder what happened to me! but that's ok, there's plenty of time for them later.
It also is getting closer to the wedding aka the confrontation. it has become very apparent that I will be confronted by Cody on this trip. I'm ready for it. I think I have been planning what to say to him for at least a month.

Regardless of what happens it will end like this....
"Cody, I don't hate you, I don't even dislike you. You will always be a friend to me. But I am not the kind of girl who puts up with being used, I can't fuel you anymore. I need to be around people who are trying to lift me up, not bring me down. I was able to find people who really love me, since I left here. I am never willing to go back to what I had. Not when what I have is so amazing. If your ever ready to be that kind of friend, I won't be hard to find. I hope you finally understand your potential and feel love. good luck. good bye."
I of course have a million other scenarios, some a little more scandals and exciting than the above. But they all end the same. Thank goodness.

The new place is great. It is 95% closer to my work than the other house. I was thinking about it on my ridiculously short bus ride. and the same amount of time I spent walking from my door to the bus stop, to the bus stop to the Ctrain, and from the Ctrain to my work, is the same amount of time the whole trip there takes!
I feel like I have moved into the Hilton, clean bathroom, mouse free, normal heating, nothing falling apart. It's almost disorientating. lol.

well that's it for today. have a good night bloggers.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

China Boy

ok I lied..... I know I made it sound like I was all good with BG going to China in my last post. I'm not very good at lying. So here's the story. It was Monday night and I was awaiting BG at work to pick me up to go to FHE. and I waited and waited and waited, and while I waited I thought (which is never a good thing). for the first 15 minutes I waited, I thought about how every man in my life, leaves. This was probably not the best of topics to think about, while awaiting my cousin who is also leaving. for the next 20 minutes I thought about how BG was leaving, just when I had gotten close enough for it to matter. So needless to say, I was cold, and frustrated and BG was 40 minutes late. this ended with small tears, then BG showed up. His face brought bigger tears. Unfortunately he had no idea why I was crying...... except for the fact that he was 40 minutes late. So because he is a man, he assumed that that was the issue. Which it is not.

I didn't have the courage to say this to his face, I'm not entirely sure why, not last night or tonight. So I'm writing this in hopes that BG will read it (PS since I do really want him to read this would someone *cough T or Mom* inform him before he goes to China there's a blog post for him on my blog! thanks Fam)

I totally understand why he has to go to China, that's not the problem. The problem is that I don't think I have ever had such a good friend as BG. and trust me losing friends is hard. even though, I am not actually loosing him, because of past experiences my mind prepares its self for the worst.

The other night He mentioned that he felt like no one really cared that much if he went back, and that everyone in China was so excited for him to come back. But this is not true, I really do care that he is leaving, BG means a lot to me. He's both family and friend, and I want him to know that even though everyone else may have lives that he isn't really that big of a part of, he will always be a really big part of my life (even from China). I am so grateful that he came home even just for these few months, I needed a friend like BG so bad after the events of this summer.

I will miss BG, a lot. Probably more than I can express in a blog post or even a conversation. He has been one of the key players in helping me find the girl I lost, and becoming the girl that I am. I hope he accomplishes everything he sets out to in China. I'll be there in August dirt poor, but hopefully still standing.

I'll miss you B.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

the BYU dream

Well this is the official notice that I did not make my BYU dreams come true.
No need to cry, I don't easily give up. I actually only wont be going in the fall because I can't take the ACT in time, and I have to have it done before applying. But all of this isn't that big of a deal, I didn't real want to go this fast anyways. I do want to go, I just want to go in my own time. So I will figure out my next move, school in the fall, whether it's in the big city or some where else, that will have to be decided. For now I have more pressing matters at hand.

- BG is going back to China. and not just to take his test, but for like a few more years! just when I get him back he leaves! I was rather upset to hear this. I even thought there was no point to living in the big city if he was gone! but then sanity set in. Yes I will defiantly miss BG, but we have our own lives, that just tend to cross on the weekends. Yes BG is pretty much my YSA security blanket, but this must mean I'm ready for more challenges. *sigh* challenges, how I wish life was easy. (at least people will stop thinking we are dating each other if we aren't always hanging out together)Either way BG is going in two weeks, and I might actually get time to save up and go visit him this time. Since I have 6 months of free time to save and work. I will miss you BG, but truly your my cousin your gonna be around for years to come!

-I'm in my new mouse free house. I can already feel the change in atmosphere. It will be weird not to have that bonding with my room mates. But it will force me to make friends. I do have a few friends (and I mean a few) here. But there's no reason I can't make more. This move is a good one, but just like everything else I see the challenges. *sigh* challenges again! lol.

-I will however miss my latest roomie Nicole, she is pretty cool. Good thing I just moved to the other side of the city and not mars (even though that's what it feels like!). WE have a few gossip girl marathons planned for the next few months, and I'm sure she will need a break from Mouse territory.

-I get to move back into my originally big city singles ward. This I approve of, there are some nice good looking boys in this ward! lol. and we all know the reason for singles ward is the good looking boys........oh and the spiritual upliftment.

Friday, January 23, 2009

13 forever

here's a few reasons I will be 13 forever.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

bragging rights

Since I moved to the big city, I have had to deal with a whirl wind of feelings. I had to patch, stich, tape, glue, and finally make my emotions whole again. I did actually think I had gotten very far, until I was confronted with a moral dilemma.

Laura says: Cathy, Cody came into the store again.
Me: really what did he have to say?
Laura: acted like batman, said a bunch of dumb stuff.
Me: he didn't say anything confusing to about people he knows (hints never work with Laura)
Laura: everything he says is confusing
****pause for me to smack my forehead at her stupidity.****
Me: ya your right, so then did he say anything about you know our old friends?
Laura: oh well he wanted to know if Kristy was going to be his friend again.
Me: (realizing she so isn't getting it) why would she do that?
Laura: she called him on new years eve, he was just sitting at home alone (to depressing)
Me: to depressing, so um did he say anything
Laura: ya, he asked why your mad at him, he doesn't get it.

Me: we aren't friends because he said he didn't want to be friends with me anymore.......what an idiot!

This plunged me into a deep thought, all this time I thought he was being stubborn, and he was just being the same old dumb Cody. I looked at his profile, wanting to yell at him for being stupid, then wanting to add him on facebook again so he would start up a convo, and make sense of this mess, maybe get back to being friends. I sat there on his profile forever, finally I pushed the "add friend" button. a note popped up
"you are about to add Cody Healy as your friend". I stared at the screen, was I really going to do it? I thought about how it had been, and decided I had no desire to have that again, but maybe just maybe this few month had changed him. I thought about what he said to Laura, and then a small voice in the back of my head said
"he hasn't changed, he never will, he will always be the boy who broke your heart, he lost the boy who won your heart in the summer." I once again looked at the screen, I never felt so conflicted.

It made no sense, why was it that I couldn't do something I thought I wanted to do so bad. Why couldn't I let him back into my life?

I clicked cancel friend request, just in case you were sitting on the edge of your seat, screaming "NO CATHY HE'S NO GOOD FOR YOU". but I wanted to click yes so bad. I put my laptop away, and sat on my bed. and realized I couldn't physically or mental make myself be treated like that anymore. It was like someone else had clicked no and walked away. And then it dawned on me, it wasn't someone else, it was someone else that wanted me so badly to let Cody in again. But that someone isn't me anymore, it was the girl I left behind.
So I think I deserve some bragging rights, look how awesome I am, or No one pulls herself out of the mud like me.

What a weight lifted off of my shoulders to know that I am in control of me, not him, not even when old me wants it so bad. New me won't let it, thank goodness for new me!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

moving on

Today I realized that everyone has moved on.
I guess its not a bad thing. But I definitely didn't expect everyone who once was in my life to move ono. I guess it's kind of self fish......maybe I just forgot what it feels like to move. But realizing that everyone has moved on, has made it that much easier for me to move on. Even though I was this close to throwing it all away for one conversation with......cody. However I have changed to! I didn't I fought the urge to rekindle a friendship, and instead focused on other things.
Today when I realized that people don't just wait around, I was super glad I decided to with hold my stupidity. They have all moved on, why would I go back?
oh please don't be alarmed, this was all just a momentary mental lapse. I have made a full recovery. It is kind of strange, however. to think of my friends with out me; I guess thats the ways it's been for months now.
Oh well back to moving my life away from the past.......

BYU is coming along.....................with a lot of help from my mom, I may actually make it to the dead line! School should really notbe so hard to apply for! oh well I can do this.

The mice are dropping in numbers, the poison seems to have done a fairly good job. Next to the new smell from dead mice we can't find, things are looking up. really there only looking up because I will be moving out of this stupid house in a few days. sorry not stupid ghetto, that was the word I was looking for.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

the cathy show gossip girls style cont...

So the plot continues, and it still mimics my life. Unfortunately blare was a little smarter than I and kicked him to the curb the first time......Instead of forgiving him and having to do it a lot messier.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Mouse Trap


I've started about 6 post this past week to sum up the first part of January. and yet none of them have made it to press, maybe thats because i have A)been Lazy or B)been busy. Either way its been a while fellow heres whats been going on.

I have been invaded, and not by aliens (which I would prefer at this point), by mice. at first they were rather hidden, I only heard them but never saw them. Then my roomie decided to cut off the food supply. And now their everywhere!!! and their not even cute! last night while introducing my pop culture illiterate roomie to the greatest show on earth (gossip girl) a small baby mouse made a break for it. I notice a brown image running at me, and I started screaming, not even the beauty of chuck bass could stop it. Then more mice emerged from the wood works and were running around our kitchen. This epic scene ended in two fully grow women holding each other standing on the couch screaming while trying to pause gossip girls. not cool. thank goodness theres only 15 more days until I move.

I moving! my very amazing family has found me a place closer to them and work. so I'm moving. I will miss the ghetto, but not the mice!

So BYU is coming along, I'm almost done the application. FYI it's like the longest application process ever! I swear it would be easier to apply for Harvard. But my chances of getting in there are next to none so I guess i'll stick to the BYU dream (as my friend JMaCrae calls it.) My favourite thing about the BYU dream is my mom. I don't know if I have mentioned, but she isn't usually all that supportive of my "plans". So when I show signs of wavering after telling her I plan to move to like south America, she is the first to help those doubts along. how ever she is a big supporter of the BYU dream. So when a discouraged phone call comes her way she has the, you can do it your a strong smart girl, speech on hold. If anything comes from this application process, it will be a great point to remind her of, next time she has a plot to discourage me.

Mom- I don't think its such a good idea, going to Australia alone. you know no one. what if you get eaten by a rapid dingo.

Me- but mom I thought you said I could do anything. This must just be satan trying to lead me away from my dreams.

lol see mom I might replace the pasty icing story with this one!

Friday, January 2, 2009

I was waiting?

So I got a letter from good old Elder hatch yesterday..... and in it may I quote,
"So who is dating who and not dating (A direct reference to A and S), and who is waiting for a missionary who gets home in a year and a half."
Wait....did he just.....but I didn't.....I'm not waiting for anyone. But my prince charming. And I'm not even fully sure he is on a mission at the moment.
So he thinks I'm waiting. WHY?
please tell me if you misconstrue this sentence.
"No Kristian, I don't really feel that way about you."
where in that sentence do I say "I'll wait for you for the two years, so we can be married after you get home."
NO WHERE! that's where.
I love Kris to death, love him to death like my 6 foot something 250 pound big brother! Love him like I love will farell, love him like I love my dearest girl friend. but not love him like the man of my dreams. oh no what have I gotten into.
It wouldn't have been half as bad if that phrase wasn't followed up with this one,
"I just need to focus on my mission for 18 more months and then I'll be moving to [the big city]." AND
"I love you".
HOLD YOUR HORSES BUDDY. I am no ones excuse to not be 100% committed to their mission. And I am not the kinda girl who waits around for a man! (please disregard the 2 years I waited for Cody, that was momentary mental collapse that will NEVER be repeated again.)

So I guess it's time to introduce Prince charming:

Prince Charming starts out like this..........

And does a little of this.............

And we do a little of this.......

And suddenly he is this.........

So calling Prince Charming I need you in the next 18 months! Lucky BYU is notorious for them.