Monday, March 30, 2009

Voodoo Girl

Lauraj says this poem by Tim Burton reminded her of me....... a bit sad, yes?

Good Byes

I am not very good at good byes.

Last night I had my last farewells with the LaSenza girls.
Today I had my last girls day with JMaCrae.
Tomorrow I have my last walk with NicTO.

I hate good byes. and even though with some of these girls its just a see ya later, I'm not very good at it. After JMaCrae dropped me off, I sat in her car trying to some how say good bye, but it wasn't working out. So we waved said see you later and moved on.

Why are good byes so awkward?
Is it just we are afraid of how the other person will act?
Or am I afraid of hurting someone?
I just don't know, but regardless of how much I do or do not like good byes, they are inevitable.

When I left the bridge, I was positive that it would be impossible to say good by to a few people. But I did, and even though it took a lot to move on, I did.
But since I wanted nothing more than to just never live in the bridge again, leaving was easy done than said.
I never wanted to go back to the bridge. But here I am 2 days away from once again, packing up and moving out. moving out to the place I'd never go again.
It's finally hit me that this is it.
No one understands why I'm not overly excited about moving, but still think it is the right decision.
I don't look forward to the things that I will face in the next few months, but I do look forward to finally finishing what I started.

And starting what I plan to finish.
I go into this different.
So good bye big city.
I will miss you, and love you.

Stay tuned for what will happen next. Hopefully it will be much more empowering than the last part of my life.

Friday, March 27, 2009

How to survive 101

It's been a long time since I posted last....well there was a lack of sleep induced 14 year old who wrote something about a guy liking her. I erased that one. so much for being 20.

It's been a while since anyone has really posted, I guess now is the time for most people to deal with it.

Today I finished at work. It was a normal feeling, there was a moment where I was having like a small panic attack, the thought "oh my gosh, I am not going to have a job in an hour and half" was whizzing through my head. I am glad I got the job at LaSenza. I met some amazing people, that I had some amazing laughs with. That's some thing I learned in the past 6 months, how to laugh again. It's sad but before I came to the big city I can't even remember the last time I truly laughed.

Remember: Laugh deeply, all the way to my core, all day long.

I bought a new dress yesterday........not the best idea when your trying to save to move. But I was in love, and if there's one thing my momma taught me, it's when you fall in love with a piece of fashion, you buy it or regret it. After paying for it, I realized I haven't been to church for 3 weeks, I could make excuses but I just don't feel like trying to justify it. My life is hard, sometimes the Gospel is what takes the hit. I always realize that I need it to survive, but once again, I wanted to try and deal alone.

Remember: Stop trying to do this alone, just go! You always feel better when you go.

I got a facebook message form Lauraj today, apparently her and Wilbur are thinking about taking a break......well more like Wilbur is thinking of taking a break. I immediately jumped to my "Defend and protect" stance. I offered to pay for her greyhound ticket to the big city, and I actually told her I thought she was making a mistake by going back to Ontario. I felt I could fix this. 5 minutes later I immediately regretted everything I said.......lucky she declinded the greyhound ticket (SO can't afford that). See I use to get this high from fixing every ones lives, but now I can't stand it. All that ends up happening is that I get hurt, there's a fine line between supportive and controlling, I cross it often. I am getting better.

Remember: You can only control you. Let them live and you can live your life.

Last weekend I went to the bridge to find a house, and also to see kenny. Finding a house was a great idea! Kenny was a bad one. despite whether or not anything that happened was really, or if any of the rumors that flew around that weekend were really true; I lost my head. I plunged myself into love. and I let myself be blinded by a few charming lines. I let myself be that girl I have worked so hard not to be. I just so badly wanted to be in love with anyone, just to make the Cody situation go away. And I lost it.

Remember: I am amazing, without a man. I am strong, beautiful, smart. Stop diving in head first, it only destroys the little progress I have made.

I spent a lot of time with Liz and Lauraj that weekend, I found myself falling back into old habits. I kept talking about people, Matea in specific. Since moving to the big city, I have experienced talking about places and ideas. About issues, and books. I love those conversations, I hate the one's I had on the weekend.

Remember: the world and all its Majesty's are far more interesting then the latest drama in that girls life.

All in all, I think that I am still making the right decision to leave the big city. Even though it may sound like I totally F--ed up on my last visit to the bridge. I don't think that means I'm not ready. I just think that means that I need to be aware. Aware that even though I am a different person now, that old person is not totally gone. I actually feel more sure about my decision to leave after last weekend. I need to grow more, I have reached my growth quota here in the big city. Now its time to continue this growth in the bridge

Remember: think two steps ahead, take one step forward.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Ode to My Lap Top

I'm sure you are all aware that I have a Lap top. and I am sure you are all aware of how my Lap-top and I came to be. If not please feel free to read the post on the worst day of my life.
Since Moving to my new house, my lap top and I, have been on a little break. Due to the crappy Internet connection here. I could handle this for a while, but lately I feel that a small piece of me is missing.
My Lap Top holds my life. Music, Pictures, Poems, and Stories, Addresses, School assignments, everything. With out it I feel rather lost.
When I was in the bridge last Laura gave me a $25 dollar Itunes gist card (Due to the fact that she lost hers ages ago, and doesn't have the heart to break it to her dad.) The fact that I have $25 dollars, that I can only spend on music but cant, is driving me completely INSANE!
It seems each day I find a more fabulous Artist than the last, that I CAN"T buy, because my laptop cant connect to the Internet!
So this is an ode to my Lap Top, and all the grand things we could be listening, look, and doing together..........

Nick Simmons, Gene Simmins oldest and Hotest and only son <3<3>

Dustin Kensrue Beauty and Vocals.

The Real World: Brooklyn

Friday, March 6, 2009

weekend play list.

Thrice-- Come all you weary.

Blood and Wine--Dustin Kensrue

Black Keys

Bright Eyes-- First Day of My Life

A weeks acount

So the 20th was good.
I had dinner with some close friends, who I love. Did I mention each person I have gotten close with since moving here, have been the coolest people in the world!?
Nic got me the most gorgeous zebra and purple purse, and some chocolate (she knows me well!).
and JMaCrea got me a stellar batman card...and watchmen.
T and Aunt J and Uncle J got me the MOST amazing digital camera, and once my Laptop is up and running, you will all get to experience my new photography skills (there pretty dang awesome I must say!).
I also got many birthday calls (none of which were from my mom!)
One from a very sick Laura.
One From my adopted family.
and one from the entire CHS art's been 2 years since I graduated, and I'm still popular! I must be like a legend.
And I got many Birthday texts (still non from my mom)
And many many facebooks posts (I don't think I need to mention who didn't leave me a post)
One Extremely amusing long one from B, and a handful a short to the point ones. Either way I felt over loved. It was a humbling feeling.
I've had 2 great birthdays in a row, I'm grateful for them. I can't remember to many birthdays. The earliest one I can remember involves glenwood.....and pasty icing!(just kidding mom even if you didn't say happy birthday to me, I know you love me!) But every year they make me remember why I love life so much.
I'm 20 now, time to get down to business.....well after I finish my graphic novel!
I can't remember ever being so excited about life. 20 will be a great year, I can feel it.
First act as a 20 year old. Find a house. (almost check)
Second act as a 20 year, get my act together.(pretty much check)
third act as a 20 year old, find musical gems, to get me through this year! (check!)

fourth act as a 20 year old............

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Today I'm 20! woot for me!
I love my's a whole day where people pay attention to me! lol. So here is a celabratory Music video! or two that will walk you through the musical part of the last 20 years.


Sunday, March 1, 2009

When you realize they love you.

It makes me truly mad that I wasted so much time trying to be loved by people that didn't love me.
Especially when there are people who have been in my life since my birth, that have always loved me.
Thank you for loving me, without my knowledge.
It's becasue of you guys that I will never have to hit the bottom again. It's becasue of those big hearts, that next time I feel alone I will know I'm not.
When you realize just h0w much time you've wasted on loving people that never loved you back, you wish you could go back. Erease every time you tried so hard to help them, and give that hand to the ones that do love you.
I wasted to much time on the people that don't matter.
But I'm done wasting my own time.