Monday, April 25, 2011

The work and timing

Since I put a stop to my friendship with Bryan, life has changed a lot. Actually I have changed a lot.
But the biggest problem I have been running into is timing.
I spent almost two years thinking of what would happen once I wasn't on pause with Bryan.
Once I left him, I was about to graduate. There were things I needed to work towards that were coming up fast.
Finishing my practicum, graduation, moving, getting my brother settled.
I felt like my life was going forward.

Then it all stopped. I finished everything that needed to be done and nothing else was working out. I think I was expecting things to just happen. Like the universe was going to just give me a break and align everything.

B use to tell me think two steps ahead, then take one step.
In this case I was thinking 8 steps ahead and trying to take 6 steps.
When I realized that wasn't going to work out I got a bit upset. I am so sick of not having money, a car, or being able to rely on just myself. I didn't want to do the work, once again I just wanted the end result.

That's how I am.
I don't want to build a relationship. I want to be swept up in a furry of romance and find my one true love. I don't want to start at the bottom and work my way to my dream job. I want to get a phone call offering me a job with a top ad firm. I've never enjoyed the work. So I have always looked for the easy way to get the end result.

The end result when skipping the work, is getting less than what I deserve. But I guess if you don't do the work then you end up with what you deserve.
Falling in love doesn't just happen. You meet someone, you build the foundations, you get to know someone, you support them and they support you. But when you don't want to do the work, you end up with people who are usually looking for someone to save them. They are fine with you supporting them, getting to know them, and even letting you love them. But they aren't okay with doing the same for you, because they can't. They can't love you becasue they don't know you, but they can need you and that is almost the same.

being needed is not being loved. Being loved is so much more than just that.

Having to do the work is hard. But it's not harder.
So even though I hate doing the work it takes to deal with my issues, to make money, to be happy, to find love. I am going to because I would rather work hard and get what I deserve, then skip it and have my life end up the same.

Sometimes dreaming about my life makes it hard to wait.The more I think about travel, the more I want to just go. Especially on days when I'm just sitting around. It's so hard to wait for the things that I want so much. But I have never been able to work my way around that.
Usually I  just get fed up with trying to save the money it takes to travel, or get a car, or have nice things, and I give up.

Once my Mom asked me when I was really broke, "What do you have to show for all the money you've made?" I think the list went like this: my ipod, my laptop, my living expenses. At the time I was working full time at IGA and could help but hate my life. While my room mates were all driving cars, paying for their educations, and affording their living expenses.
That is how it's always been, it's to hard to save and work my way to a car. So why bother? I can live, and I'll have fun with what I make.

Timing and the work. Those are my biggest weakness.
That's why I've decided to start doing the work and not letting the timing stop me from getting what I want. If I end up being 30 and just barely getting to where I want to be, than that's okay. It's okay not to have it all together right now, I'm 22. And maybe accomplishment wise I won't be on top for a while. That's okay. This is me accepting that. And this is me changing.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Chapter four

Well I have been out of Lethbridge for about 3 weeks now.
Being gone has had its joys and hardships. Of course it's pretty hard to hold anything in when I'm living with my main go-to people. All it takes is a "So how'd it go?" and I suddenly am spilling my guts.
Mostly moving has been a wave of emotion.
I had issues that needed some attention I didn't even know about!
At first being here was great. I was motivated, excited and optamistic.
Soon I was discouraged, bored, and verging melt down.
Then I realized maybe instead of throwing myself into another situation that ends badly, I should deal with myself. I have always had issues being alone with my self. Of course T is here all day long too, but it's not like I sit by her side all day long listening to her witty one liners (I know shocker!) But being alone with myself mostly involves having nothing to distract myself with.

So I started dealing. There has been a lot of plots about how to get back at Bryan. A few run in scenarios with various people who I know live in Calgary, but don't keep contact with. There's been many why-the-hell-did-I-waste-my-time-at-school-if-I-can't-even-get-a- f-ing-job-with-this-damn-degree moments. Even more this is what I want to be doing with my life dreams.
In the end, I'm here with T and KC (and the occasional mass of children) working at the mall, trying to deal with my core issues before I get into a full swing new life.
It feels kind of like I'm building a bridge. I'm saving money, dealing with problems, building new friendships. I can see the other end (the end where I am getting on a plane to go to see B and Thailand) but as of right now I'm building the supports so I don't fall through half way there again.

So this is Chapter four of my life. Chapter one being ages 1-15 and all the dramas and hardships in that age range. Two is 16-18 a much shorter chapter but a glimpse of my first crash-and-burn, falling in love, being independent and broke. Chapter Three is 19 - to leaving Lethbridge (I think it can be appropriately named the rise and fall of Bryan-ism). And Chapter four. This chapter I hope will be much happier than the last few. Mostly I will be looking back at the last three chapters of my life, making a what-not-to-do list, and dealing with unresolved issues.

But this chapter is already full of good.
So there it is, Chapter four. Stay tuned for plot twists, climaxes, comedy, tragedy, and success.

Friday, April 8, 2011


It's been a pretty boring week. Boring weeks lead to boring activities to pass the time. I was looking at my profile pictures, reading the comments, see who liked what, when I came across a old picture of me. I have been over my pictures so many times I can recite the comments in my sleep. But this time something was different.

A small picture appeared next to an old comment left by Cody. If you know the story of Cody then you should also know that after I convinced him to not be my friend anymore he blocked me. So for three years there has been that little FB guy next to his comment.

I clicked on the link to his name just to see if it was a mistake. Nope no mistake, he un-blocked me.

Now it's been three years. I am totally a different person now then I was then. But now that he wanted to opened up the communication with me again, suddenly I felt like that 19 year old girl again.
I HATE that 19 year old girl.

So then I texted Lauraj and she tells me oh yeah Cody is turning his life around again. And he is looking for something familiar to cling onto again... Well thanks for telling me exactly what old Cathy likes to hear. WHAT!? There's someone of the opposite sex who needs my help!? Well okay let me throw my entire life away to help him! DUH-DUH-DUH DUUUUHHHH!!! You think after 6 years of being my best friend the woman would know what NOT to say.

So I spent 15 minutes staring at his FB page. Internally struggling once again wither or not to friend him.
I thought about how awful the past two years have been with Bryan. About the times I wished Cody would do what he promised and save me from this man. This man who completely destroyed who I was.
He never showed up.
I never heard a whisper, or saw a glimpse of this guy who told me even if I didn't want him in my lief he was there for me.
I was alone again.

The thing about me now is that I am not old Cathy. Bryan took old Cathy and stomped all over her, and then ripped her down over and over and over.
I'm not the girls anymore.
I didn't click the add as friend button.
I don't care if Cody needs some one, I needed someone and he wasn't there for me.
I'm not mad at Cody, I'm not still in love with him. I'm just not going to take a step back into the shittiest 4 years of my life.
Cody started something, Bryan brought out the worst in it, and I'm stopping it.

Hi my name is Cathy Coppin, and I am happy. For the first time in years, and I wont let anyone Cody or not take that away from me.
I hope Cody's life work out for him. But I'm not going to take the chance and see if he really has changed. Because it doesn't matter.