Since I put a stop to my friendship with Bryan, life has changed a lot. Actually I have changed a lot.
But the biggest problem I have been running into is timing.
I spent almost two years thinking of what would happen once I wasn't on pause with Bryan.
Once I left him, I was about to graduate. There were things I needed to work towards that were coming up fast.
Finishing my practicum, graduation, moving, getting my brother settled.
I felt like my life was going forward.
Then it all stopped. I finished everything that needed to be done and nothing else was working out. I think I was expecting things to just happen. Like the universe was going to just give me a break and align everything.
B use to tell me think two steps ahead, then take one step.
In this case I was thinking 8 steps ahead and trying to take 6 steps.
When I realized that wasn't going to work out I got a bit upset. I am so sick of not having money, a car, or being able to rely on just myself. I didn't want to do the work, once again I just wanted the end result.
That's how I am.
I don't want to build a relationship. I want to be swept up in a furry of romance and find my one true love. I don't want to start at the bottom and work my way to my dream job. I want to get a phone call offering me a job with a top ad firm. I've never enjoyed the work. So I have always looked for the easy way to get the end result.
The end result when skipping the work, is getting less than what I deserve. But I guess if you don't do the work then you end up with what you deserve.
Falling in love doesn't just happen. You meet someone, you build the foundations, you get to know someone, you support them and they support you. But when you don't want to do the work, you end up with people who are usually looking for someone to save them. They are fine with you supporting them, getting to know them, and even letting you love them. But they aren't okay with doing the same for you, because they can't. They can't love you becasue they don't know you, but they can need you and that is almost the same.
being needed is not being loved. Being loved is so much more than just that.
Having to do the work is hard. But it's not harder.
So even though I hate doing the work it takes to deal with my issues, to make money, to be happy, to find love. I am going to because I would rather work hard and get what I deserve, then skip it and have my life end up the same.
Sometimes dreaming about my life makes it hard to wait.The more I think about travel, the more I want to just go. Especially on days when I'm just sitting around. It's so hard to wait for the things that I want so much. But I have never been able to work my way around that.
Usually I just get fed up with trying to save the money it takes to travel, or get a car, or have nice things, and I give up.
Once my Mom asked me when I was really broke, "What do you have to show for all the money you've made?" I think the list went like this: my ipod, my laptop, my living expenses. At the time I was working full time at IGA and could help but hate my life. While my room mates were all driving cars, paying for their educations, and affording their living expenses.
That is how it's always been, it's to hard to save and work my way to a car. So why bother? I can live, and I'll have fun with what I make.
Timing and the work. Those are my biggest weakness.
That's why I've decided to start doing the work and not letting the timing stop me from getting what I want. If I end up being 30 and just barely getting to where I want to be, than that's okay. It's okay not to have it all together right now, I'm 22. And maybe accomplishment wise I won't be on top for a while. That's okay. This is me accepting that. And this is me changing.