Wednesday, May 28, 2008

a weekend in a cold lake

Friday i will be leaving on a much needed vacation.....its not like im stressed, i just really need to get away from these people. You know how sometimes you just need a change of scenery...well im in that same boat. I've had this trip planned for a while....
I know see that im taking this trip so i can run away. run away for one person that i can no longer stand.
How do you cut someone out of your life? is it possible? I always told him that i wanted him in my life....i but i now realize i want nothing more for him to never speak to me again. All the stress that he brings with him would just go away.
I have cut people out of my life before. usually i have nothing to complain about. It usually works out great. Cutting Mel out of my life was the right thing to do, taking bonnie out of my life saved me from myself. Cutting my dad out i still haven't decided if that was the right thing to do.....
In the end i know that i will never be able to just say goodbye get out. he would never leave. but i can. or sooner he will go on a mission and then i can leave. actually the sooner act is me leaving for Italy. but a girl can only dream that the one person that makes her life hellish would just up and disappear. Im not even angry..... I just am so sick and tired of feeling like scum around him. It amazes me that i allowing him to make me feel like that. I use to be so much stronger than that.
I guess im just going to have to keep running. running from my best friend. I wouldn't go so far as to call him that anymore. I truly hope he just gets it and leaves me alone while he is ahead.
i hope this trip does something for me. I hope it reminds me that i was an amazingly fun awesome person before him and i still am.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Italy, German, and France

For most of my life i have dreamed of traveling. I wanted to go and see what everyone else was like....I have always been fascinated with other people and how they think and live. So a while ago I saw a link to a company that teaches languages in 10 different countries. So i asked for more information.
Today i got a phone call. They want me to try a 2 week course in Italy just to see if i like it, before i sign up for 9 months abroad in Italy Germany and France.
Of course i freaked out....go to Rome! for 2 weeks!!!!! that is lie a dream come true. and it would only be $2000! and so i was sold....called my mom to tell her that i was going to Rome. and she made me think like logical adult....I hate that sometimes. The truth is right now i dont have $2000. The sad sad sad truth. So I have decided next summer is the time to go. all this year I will save up my pennies, and next summer i will spend a month in Italy Germany and Paris.
Not quite the plan i want....if it was up to me i would be on the next plane to Rome my bad money is short. and i had to buy a new lap top this year! oh well this is just the reassurance i needed to keep hope. one day i will be out of Alberta and in Paris, seeing the Mona Lisa, And Rome throwing a pennies in the trevi fountain, and Munich seeing the beauty of Germany. and at last the dreams dont seem like unattainable goals they feel real!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single-John Bytheway

I read this book in about 3 hours, out of sheer boredom. But it struck me. so i thought i'd summarize a bit of it and tell you about it.
The first part is about being on your own.
these are a few steps to success:
"When you leave home, take an anchor of your testimony-you'll need it!"
-John talks about goals and having a plan for what you want to do with your life.
I have always known i needed to have goals but never really make them. My life is usually in a state of disarray. And i have noticed that goals clean it up a bit. so this is something i decided to take on.
"I always wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific."
-Next he say we need to keep learning, always learn. Read books, listen to the words of leaders, go to school.
I recently experience how learning can effect your life when your single. What better to do then fill you mind with knowledge, This is the best time. I have no kids or husband, no really good job. Its the perfect time to learn.
-Go to Instatue!
This one is strait bad seminary was never a strong point for me. It made going to instatue not important. But i have made a goal to start going in the fall when it starts up again.
-Stay out of Debt.
heres 5 steps that will help:
1. Pay an honest tithing
2. Live on less than you earn
3. Distinguish between wants and needs.
4. Develop and live within a budget
5. Be honest in all of your financial affairs
I have grown up with a deep hate for credit cards, but that doesnt mean i have an easy time with staying out of debt!
-Dont focus on things you cant control.
This is hard for me. I always want to have things go my way, all the time. Unfortunately i can only control me! so I have to work on me and this that i can control.
-Identify your blind spots.
sometimes it take a good honest friend to point out what you are really bad at, or how you act. But when people do, its important to consider what they have to say and if their right CHANGE!
-Dont Obsess.
I have a problem with this.
John says that obsessing about being single is bad. It isnt attractive. Unfortunately for my future generations. My whole journal is about my love life. That and sad moments of my life. this blog is a little more reveling. but still i need to cool it with the boy obsessions.
"Expressing love to soon can distroy it, there will come a time when you both feel attraction and love will blossom."-Elder Boyd K Packer-
-Dont continue to date someone you know you wouldnt marry.
I have to say that im good at this. I can recognize when a guy is just not what im look for, and its really easy for me to say "Listen your nice, but your not really what im looking for in a long term boyfriend/husband. sorry."
"Kissing is serious's not for recreation."
I pretty much love this quote. I dont know why but i have always felt that passion should be saved for the person you really love, and loves you back. and not that high school kinda love. that real kind love. and so i completely agree, holding hands is a signal that you are together, and it just gets more important from there. to me kisses are for people you love. not everyone.
"Men take care not to make women weep, for god counts their tears."-President Monson-
-Dont Let Break ups Break you
5 signs its time to break up:
1. You begin to feel Obligated (doing this for him isnt a pleasure, there a chore.)
2. You begin to test each other (If he loves me he'll do what i want him to)
3. You feel you cant communicate on the same level
4. You feel lonely and think about other people
5. You feel like a low priority
'Being single will never be as painful as being married to the wrong person with the wrong standards."-Marvin J Ashton-
love isnt all it takes to make a relationship. I love a lot of people. I have seen this one many times, and experienced it almost as many times. Love the person not the Idea!
Real Love Feels like:
you'll feel a desire to achieve
you'll feel inspired to do your best
you'll want to make the most of yourself
you'll think your noblest thoughts
you'll aspire to your finest deeds
you'll wish you are better than you are
-Respect and Admiration is the core of real love.
BUT if you are simply waiting..............
"Live you life in crescendo, set aside your duet music for now, and you play what you can! Play loud, Play well, make music!!!!"
"Get your self a goal worth working for!"
and last but not least......................
"Bottom line. You can trust him, so you do what you can do, and find peace in your savior."

seaguls, sunshine, and smiles

I personally enjoy warm weather. who doesn't? I really love just being in the sun. coming in a few degrees redder. and this may long was no exception.
After having the worse friday night, I have had in a long time. I got to enjoy the rest of the weekend. and even though nothing to special happened saturday and sunday, they were good. Getting to see old friends and new ones is always a good time. And so after enjoying my new friends at church my good friend Amanda came over. who i dont really ever get to see, i got to enjoy a nice relaxing weekend.
Monday was the day me and laura had been waiting for.
But to our disappointment it was not really sunny out side, which made us scratched the 20ft water snake she had bought. which was a sad realization, 20ft of water snake fun is hard to give up! But the clouds didnt stop us from getting a pizza and milkshakes for our may long picnic. as we walked back to the lake, we decided to pick the closes grassy area to eat. which happend to be next to a school play ground, and a small stream.
Slowly we noticed the large amount of seagulls staring at us and our pizza box, and as the time passes, they slowly get closer and closer. until at last the were a mere few meters away. This was when i got up, call me crazy but i have a slight fear of seagulls, they will stop at nothing to get food. And their mean, and have beady little red eyes!
So i got up to through so garbage away, while laura finished up our pizza. I turn around to walk back, after throwing the garbage in the farthest garbage can there was, to see laura being bombarded by hungry seagulls. I ran over to scare them away and luckily she had not been malled to death by the hunger flock of seagulls. They did however get our last three pieces of pizza.
we then left the spot by the park to play in the lake. by this time the sun had finally come out, and out may long mission could start. sun tanning 101.
i dont really know what it is about days like monday that are so great. maybe its the warm weather. maybe its the intake of frozen sugar, maybe its the friends that stop by. or maybe its our lame attempt at having fun. but in the end it was one of the funnest days i`ve had in a long time.
Sometimes at the end of the day you stop to think, and you see that it was a perfect day. Full of perfect moments, and perfect food, perfect music, and perfect people. and on days like this you see just how perfect life is. just how magnificent each day is.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

2 in 1

wow 2 post in one day. This past weekend i had yet another fight with cody. well not had am having. But I was reading through old post and just wanted to summarize something that i noticed.

I believe in a real love. this love isnt just shared wit people you want to marry. its shared with a few special people in a life time. These are the only people you can always trust. These are the people you have a million fights with. These are the people who often take the back burner. These are the only people to put a smile on your face in the worst of times. These are the only people to break your heart. These are the only people that truly get you, even better than you get you. These are the people that encourage your ideas and catch you when you fall. These are the people its easiest to untie your self from, but the hardest to forget.
This love it belongs to only these few people in your life. I cant be faked, and it cant be bought or sold. It cant even fully be expressed, because thats how perfect it is.
I can pin point a few people who have this love from me.

But another characteristic of this love, is the person its pointed to has to recognize it.

I dont know if he recognizes it, If he does he has a funny way of understand love.

Another Characteristic of this love is even if it is not returned it never goes away.

so even though i swore that i would never forgive him, that i was sick and tired of the fighting. This will be worked out.

This love it can grow and it can change like any good relationship should.

Thats what I must do, time to grow and change.

oh how the year roll by

Im 19, thats one year since i took my last drink of alcohol, one year since i had my heart shattered into more pieces then i knew was possible. 4 years since i moved out of my mom's house, 4 years since Ike has been my best friend. 4 years since Laura has been in my life. 8 years since I met bonnie, 7 years since I became a rough version of who i am. 2 years since my first boyfriend, Calvin. 10 months since i became an adult, 10 months since i realized you never really are a grown up.
Even after all of this changing I've done, theres still things that haven't changed.
I still fall in love with unique boys, and i never get them, because i dont talk to them, i just talk about them. I still read nothing but teen aged romance books. I still watch nothing but chick flicks. Im still one of the most critical people i know. I still hold things in until they explode. I still hurt the people i love the most.
I still let the same people hurt me over and over and over. I still have to figure out who i really am about twice a month. I still tell my mom everything about my life, good or bad. But I still am so independent it's scary. I still hate excepting help or favors, and i especially still hate asking for help or favors.
I still sleep with my baby blanket, I always have. I still hate judgmental people. I still paint my heart out, i just paint very different things. im still trying to grow my hair out long. I still wear Black eye liner and water proof mascara everywhere.
I still value my friends, just now i value my family as well. I still act on impulse. And i still regret it sometimes.
When i get mad i still swear like a sailor. I still can down a 4ltr. of milk in a day. I still hate brown bread (but i eat it cuz it healthy). I still put stickers on everything. And i still laugh at the telus commercials with the animals. I still listen to the same ashlee simpson CD i bought when i was 13.
i still play the guitar, just for different reasons. I still want to be famous.... i just want to be famous for my mind and words not my voice. I still think my opinions are the smartest way to look at the world. i still watch the disney channel, just now i watch Hannah Montana instead of Lizzie Maguire.
I still have huge crushes on famous guys, just now they are usually underground B grade kinda famous, not josh hartnet orlando bloom famous. I still want to write. I still say like way way way to much. And do really stupid things in public. I still sit at the front of a room. I still am obsessed with religion, just now i stopped asking rhetorically questions, and started finding some answers. i still sing in the the shower to hilary duff. I still remember events and the past better than any normal person should. I still Lye about my dad.; And i still hate talking about him. i still spend mass amounts of time on the Internet, just now im looking at notes for school and facebook, not downloading ever word that ever came out of good charlottes mouth. I still love sleeping until noon, and then doing nothing for the rest of the day. My room is still a disaster area. I still think my little brother is a brat, i just have alot more respect for what he's been through.
I still have the same dresser, i just painted over the avril lyrics and painted pictures on it. I still dream up my alternate life when im bored, and right before i go to bed, the world where ever thing i want is mine. I still love music, it just isnt center of my life. I still spell things so so wrong.
I still stay up way to late, and wake up way to early. I still snort when i laugh when im really tired. And i still act stupid in a room full of people i trust. i still wear my heart on my sleeve, and if you look hard you can still figure out everything in it. I still put the same songs on mixed CDs, Hot Hot Heat anyone?lol. i still flirt without knowing it, but still cant flirt purposefully. I still love every friend i ever had in my life, even the ones that dont love me anymore. Alex can still not embarrass me in public, no matter what he does.
I still drive like a maniac. And yell at slow drivers. I still am in love with animals, just now i dont own any and dont eat them. I still dream of seeing the world.
Im still so me, it's scary.
I've grown up so much, I have seen so much, learned so much. But somethings they never change. Im not even close to being a grown up. I just dont write my feelings in a pink sparkly journal anymore. And i defiantly have a better fashion sense.
But there are things that will never change in everyone....and somethings that do.
All i know is im so grateful for every memory and personality trait i have and had. With out them I wouldn't be the person who i am today, and what a shame that would be. lol
Happy Mothers Day all you Mothers, And take a second to look at those kids you have, cuz in a few years they will so different you wont be able to believe it. But they still be yours. and thats something that will never change.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Hair Dying Extravaganza

I think the first time i dyed my hair, i was 13. I was determinded to dye it, and it took my cousin J&T to convince my mom off it. T told my mom that there was a lot worse things i could do at 13, at least i wasnt bring boys over. J told my mom that she had dyed her hair about as young as i was. And so it happened i got my way. And i purchased a box of burgandy hair dye. All i wanted was two streaks at the front and the bottom all around my hair burgandy. And i did it. i was hiddious now that i think back. but i loved it.
After that many more dye jobs followed. I was orange and fire engine red, black, blonde, brown, purple, pink, blue.
But the older I got the more i have realized that the wild colrs arnt for me. The first time i dyed my hair after moving out, i picked a color call gingerbread. It was cute brown with a little ting of red. And today it will be a dark brown, not black but close.
And through all these years i have discovered a few things about hair dying.
1. the experts say black never comes out, this is true but, red is worse. red Stains your hair, it seemed that no matter what color i dyed my hair it always faded to red.
2. blonde should always be done by a pro. unless you enjoy orange or green hair.
3. Let your hair recover 6 months is good before you dye the whole thing again.
4. hair dye doesn't change you for more than two days.
I love to dye my hair, watching the color run down the sink after words is alway an exciting thing. But let us remember that green, blue,pink,orange, burgendy, and blood red, should me done while you are in your younger years. After graduation life gets a little to important for pink hair. Even though it is the best color of hair!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

smart in a stupid way...

more often than not, I have moments when i realized just what im doing with my life. These moments usually, lead to impulsive life altering situations. I often see that im leading my life no where, sometimes it's just a starter path that takes to long. Sometimes I need to change my person, but never changing those things are me down to the very core.
I would say that i am a very smart girl.....
I would say I make more than my share of stupid mistakes.....
I would deffinatly say that sometimes i wish i want so impulsive....
I would never want to change it.
After these moments i usually find someone to remind me that these stupid moments that lead to impulsive desisions, are what have made my life so amazing.
But regaurdless this is who i am.
I realized that I am rather stuck, and this is something i hate. When i realize that im stuck i freak out. Something about being held down makes me crazy. But i guess theres nothing i can do. oh well.