Sunday, May 11, 2008

oh how the year roll by

Im 19, thats one year since i took my last drink of alcohol, one year since i had my heart shattered into more pieces then i knew was possible. 4 years since i moved out of my mom's house, 4 years since Ike has been my best friend. 4 years since Laura has been in my life. 8 years since I met bonnie, 7 years since I became a rough version of who i am. 2 years since my first boyfriend, Calvin. 10 months since i became an adult, 10 months since i realized you never really are a grown up.
Even after all of this changing I've done, theres still things that haven't changed.
I still fall in love with unique boys, and i never get them, because i dont talk to them, i just talk about them. I still read nothing but teen aged romance books. I still watch nothing but chick flicks. Im still one of the most critical people i know. I still hold things in until they explode. I still hurt the people i love the most.
I still let the same people hurt me over and over and over. I still have to figure out who i really am about twice a month. I still tell my mom everything about my life, good or bad. But I still am so independent it's scary. I still hate excepting help or favors, and i especially still hate asking for help or favors.
I still sleep with my baby blanket, I always have. I still hate judgmental people. I still paint my heart out, i just paint very different things. im still trying to grow my hair out long. I still wear Black eye liner and water proof mascara everywhere.
I still value my friends, just now i value my family as well. I still act on impulse. And i still regret it sometimes.
When i get mad i still swear like a sailor. I still can down a 4ltr. of milk in a day. I still hate brown bread (but i eat it cuz it healthy). I still put stickers on everything. And i still laugh at the telus commercials with the animals. I still listen to the same ashlee simpson CD i bought when i was 13.
i still play the guitar, just for different reasons. I still want to be famous.... i just want to be famous for my mind and words not my voice. I still think my opinions are the smartest way to look at the world. i still watch the disney channel, just now i watch Hannah Montana instead of Lizzie Maguire.
I still have huge crushes on famous guys, just now they are usually underground B grade kinda famous, not josh hartnet orlando bloom famous. I still want to write. I still say like way way way to much. And do really stupid things in public. I still sit at the front of a room. I still am obsessed with religion, just now i stopped asking rhetorically questions, and started finding some answers. i still sing in the the shower to hilary duff. I still remember events and the past better than any normal person should. I still Lye about my dad.; And i still hate talking about him. i still spend mass amounts of time on the Internet, just now im looking at notes for school and facebook, not downloading ever word that ever came out of good charlottes mouth. I still love sleeping until noon, and then doing nothing for the rest of the day. My room is still a disaster area. I still think my little brother is a brat, i just have alot more respect for what he's been through.
I still have the same dresser, i just painted over the avril lyrics and painted pictures on it. I still dream up my alternate life when im bored, and right before i go to bed, the world where ever thing i want is mine. I still love music, it just isnt center of my life. I still spell things so so wrong.
I still stay up way to late, and wake up way to early. I still snort when i laugh when im really tired. And i still act stupid in a room full of people i trust. i still wear my heart on my sleeve, and if you look hard you can still figure out everything in it. I still put the same songs on mixed CDs, Hot Hot Heat anyone?lol. i still flirt without knowing it, but still cant flirt purposefully. I still love every friend i ever had in my life, even the ones that dont love me anymore. Alex can still not embarrass me in public, no matter what he does.
I still drive like a maniac. And yell at slow drivers. I still am in love with animals, just now i dont own any and dont eat them. I still dream of seeing the world.
Im still so me, it's scary.
I've grown up so much, I have seen so much, learned so much. But somethings they never change. Im not even close to being a grown up. I just dont write my feelings in a pink sparkly journal anymore. And i defiantly have a better fashion sense.
But there are things that will never change in everyone....and somethings that do.
All i know is im so grateful for every memory and personality trait i have and had. With out them I wouldn't be the person who i am today, and what a shame that would be. lol
Happy Mothers Day all you Mothers, And take a second to look at those kids you have, cuz in a few years they will so different you wont be able to believe it. But they still be yours. and thats something that will never change.

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