Thursday, July 16, 2009

not your self

Have you ever thought "wow this is so not me"?
Maybe it was when you tried on a new shirt, or maybe you were trying a new food.
How about when you spend time with some one? Do you ever think that the person your with does not let you be who you really are?
I do.
And it wasn't until this morning that I realized it.
I was asleep, and then I got a text message.
"are you mad at me or are you really that busy that I haven't seen you in weeks. And when I did see you, you acted weird. Did I do something?"
I hate that question. If you did some thing to piss me off, trust me you'll hear about it.
I rolled over and let out huge sigh.
more f---ing drama from my past.
Which through me into pondering, why was it that I had become more notorious the past month.
Then I realized it.
I don't enjoy being with my old friends. They have preconceptions of what I should do, or how I should act. And when I am not the way they expect.....they shun it. The real problem is that 3 months ago I was living my own life, if I wanted to hang out with some one I would. If I didn't I wouldn't. If I wanted to act a certain way I could, if I started being the person I really am it was embraced not ignored.
I learnt how to lead a life with out the people of my past. They apparently did not.
I agreed to give up my time to pretend to be what she wants me to be. But I don't think it will be happening much longer.
This is who I am. Get over your self and open your minds up.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

On the road

JMaCrae came from the big city to visit.
How I have missed her!!!
She reminds me of what the real world is like. One thing about the bridge is that it isn't the real world. People think and do weird things here. It's hard to explain, but people here think very different than people anywhere else. I guess that's why I have always felt like an outsider here. While everyone is planning their weddings and what colour their kitchen will be, I'm watching documentaries and reading classic literature. I'm trying to understand theories and meanings, their watching the Lion King. Not that there is any thing wrong with that. I was like that for a long time. I'm just not like that anymore. This world has to much to offer, besides the Lion King. I know shocking! I can't just be ok with what I know.
JMaCrae reminds me of who I am. She is a great friend. She's a real person with real problems and real struggles. She has real goals, real ideas, real likes and dislikes. But most of all she is ready to learn.

after high school me and lauraj were suppose to see Canada. Of course it didn't happen. That tends to happen when you mix Lauraj into an idea. She never really wanted the same thing out of the trip as I did. She wanted to go to concerts and be a groupie. I wanted to go to different churches and sit through a mass. I wanted to see the city on the horizon, a city that was ready to explore.I wanted to see the homeless on the streets and give them the box of crackers we just bought. I wanted to see the land marks and see the history. I wanted to learn and explore. She wanted to party. I'm sure that's why it never worked out.

Today I remembered the world is big and interesting. Thank goodness, I can't wait to experience it.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I'm not even sure what to titles this post.
When Cathy's life changed?
Forgiving the first man in my life?
Spring of emotion?
None of those titles can fully describe the past 5 days, and the things I went through.
I guess I can start at the beginning. That would make the most sense.

After another visit to the Doctor, I had another 2 weeks off of work. That was good and bad news. First off I already had a week off, and two more weeks would leave me broke. But I do love any excuse to not go to the job I hate.

I had been planning to take 2 weeks off this summer anyways. I had planned out a trip to see my Grand mother and other family members, that I had not seen for 6 years. I also planned to gain the closure I had been looking for in regards to my Father.
But with the time off I was going to have to take to heal my foot, I would never be able to afford to take more time off for a vacation.
So Logically I had to go while I had this time off.

That's what I did, Thursday morning I had gotten the Doctors note, Friday morning we left (we being my Mom and I).
I knew this trip was not going to be an easy one. I have spent the greater part of my adult years hating my father. Divorce, adolescence, addiction, and depression were all factors that made our relationship go bad. But mostly I think it was because I needed some one to blame, for taking my family away. For making me act like an adult and taking my care free childish out look away. He was an easy target.

Five years ago he got remarried; he then replaced me in his life, with his new wife and step daughter. That probably was the most hurtful thing that he ever did to me. He gave up on me and loved her. I then formed a new burden to carry around, a new dislike for his wife and the little girl that took my spot in my Fathers heart.
Four years ago he passed away. I can remember the day my Mom told me he was gone. It's like a scene from a well watched movie. I had been watching a documentary on TV about monkeys with my friend Mel. We were house sitting for a women who was basically our Mom. I heard the dog bark and got up to see who was coming to the door. When I saw my Mom at the door, my first thought was "oh no Grandma Shipley". Only weeks before when I was watching my Grandma she went into a diabetic coma. I almost lost her, but thanks to one of the many lessons my Mom had taught me, I called the ambulance.
It was completely shocking when she told me my Dad had died. I didn't even know he was sick. I remember hugging her while she cried. I stared into the distance and felt a strange peace. I felt guilty for a while that I was not sad. But eventually my friends helped me see that he had only even caused me stress. I never went to his funeral. I had lost my Father long before that day.
Then I moved on with my life.
It wasn't until I moved to the big city that I ever felt him in my life again. During yet another stressful night, of trying to decide what to do with my life, my uncle brought it up.
"Cathy" he said.
"have you taken the time to forgive your Father?"
I hadn't really thought about it. Four years had passed and I no longer hated him. The more I grew up the better I could understand why he had been the way he was. Pain and hurt didn't blind and bias me any longer.
I took what my uncle said to heart, that night I spent hours on my knees. Praying that I would be able to fully let go of my childhood pains and forgive my Father. After that night I felt I had forgiven him.
But it soon became clear that I needed more than forgive him. I needed forgiveness and closure. The only place I could get that, was the only place I wanted to avoid.
The big city made me strong. Stronger than I had ever been.
So all this brought me to an eight hour long drive and the one place that held all my pain.

The day we got there, we went to see my step mom.
I was frightened beyond words. This women had been with my Dad when I hated him the most. When I had said some completely horrid and angry things to him. When I stopped speaking to him, when I didn't go to his wedding or funeral.
I thought she hated me for what I had done to him.
She didn't.
In fact she knew that one day I would come around. She was amazing. That conversation changed my life.
I sat on the motel bed afterwards, and was silent. This weight had lifted off my shoulders, this weight that I had carried for 12 years. It still hasn't come back.

We got ready to go to bed, My foot was in so much pain that day. Mom prayed, she asked for my foot to begin to heal and for the infection to leave. I remember the last thought that came into my mind that night as I fell asleep, be still the Lord God is with you.
The next morning my foot was no longer infected and the wound was practically healed.
She said it was because I had gotten rid of all those built up feelings. I'm sure that's partly it. I think mostly it was someone else.

The rest of the time I spent there was easy. Awkward, but easy. I managed to not cry again. That's more than I can say for my Mom though. I had the chance to let in the family that I had forced out so long ago. Some were a little more eager than others.
My Grandma was still the way she had always been. she was still the only person who could make you eat so much you'd burst unwillingly, all the while talking non stop.
My Uncles were what I expected, just a little older.......and both strangely resembled my Grand Father.

I'm still the same person I was, when I got into that car and started driving. I have just let go and become a little stronger. I just believe in my self a little more. I just feel a little more loved. But more importantly, I have a father to be proud of. Not to hate, recent, or even ignore. A father that loved me even when I said hurtful things. A fathers love. something I have spent 20 years without. That means so much to me.
I also found a faith I never knew I was capable of. One that had the power to physically and emotionally heal me.
So all in all I am grateful for how hard things once were for me. I'm grateful to have spent so long with out this feeling of love. I don't blame anyone any more. Not my Father, or my Mother, and especially not me. In the end every one found happiness. First my Father with his wife Joyce. Then my Mother with Tim. And now me with my Heavenly Father.