Saturday, June 28, 2008

101 things i hate about you

Have you ever just really not enjoyed something? a movie, a book, a CD, a new flavor of gum? its all ways a let down. well when grace moved in it was a HUGE let down. Im sorry but i would endure 2 more years of my last bunch of psychotic roomies, to get rid of this one. Have you ever just know that someone hates you? I think we all know how we feel about each other, grace is just to Christ like to say anything.
This is a list of things this girl does that drives me crazy ( it may sound dumb but its the only way i wont explode)
-She has decided that she can move, replace or get ride of anything she wants.
-she separates all of her dishes and food and movies and books and EVERYTHING including her shoes, from me and laura. I mean come on, what do you think me and laura are going to steal you crap?cuz we're not we would however love to chuck it on the highway!
-She tells everyone she has an inactive room mate. as if it make laura a bad person. ya sure I admit i would like it if laura went to church, but i would rather her be her then fake it and go to church and be miserable. and hello have you ever heard of excepting people for the way they are, and loving everyone. Isnt that what Jesus did? well grace isnt!!!!!?
-I still hate all her Jesus pictures.
-I hate how she pretends to be social at church, but then when she comes home shuts her self in her room and wont invite anyone over to our house.
-I hate that she trys to boss me around. i dont put up with that, not from my Mom and i sure wont put up with it from her!
- I hate that she pretends to have all these guys after her and then I never hear or see one of them with her even at church. and i hate that she is angry at a guy that she likes cuz he cant see that she likes him, 1 day after he broke up with a girl he was totally in love with.
-I hate how she refuse to her self as an "island girl" hunny, being an island girl usually means you smoke at least 2 joints a day and have a grow op in you basement! or at least in the world i grew up in.
- I hate that her interest include squealing annoyingly on facebook ever time she sees something of interest.
-And I most of all hate how she isnt at all funny. not a funny bone in her. how can she not be funny, arnt bitter people suppose to at least be sarcastic and wity?!
AH! only 2 months till i can move out! away form pycotica!

Friday, June 27, 2008

In With The New

Well for those who look at my page today, it is much different. Even my title has changed! WEll let me exsplain. Even though I am a Hippy at Heart, and love everything to do with the 60's, environment, and other odd hippy ways. I felt that my blogs dont really go along with that. The stuff I say is from the heart, but those who know me best, also know that there is something else at my heart. ART! i am an artist, and love everything to do with art. To me art includes everything from music to painting to liturature. and this is why i Have changed..... this page is all art that comes from my heart. So i felt this title would be better suiting. So i hope you enjoy the art from my heart....because its all me all the time, the good the bad, and the sacastic.
with love

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Good bye

Life is full of good byes. some easy and some not so much. some said with love, some said out of habit. some are in famous catch phrases, some are said in spite. No matter what the contexts the phrase good bye almost always holds a lot of emotion behind it. This has been a weekend off good byes.

The first goodbye was to me. For the first time in years i was forced to visit a life i havent been a part of since my mom got married. We went home. I talked to people that were part of the old us, and people who will always be a part of the new us. but no one that is part of me. I mean my family is part of me, i cant get rid of them even if i tried. but they arnt really a day to fay part of my life. So on Saturday i got to say good bye to the old me. a girl who was just waiting to be set free, made into a memory and not event. I said good bye to that hurt and shy little girl.

The next good bye was by far the hardest. For a long time now i have felt like i needed to forgive my father, I believe in my heart of hearts that i have. But I felt that to forgive is to forget. which it is not. you can forgive someone for causing yo pain, but never forget how much that hurt. So I wanted to forget, I wanted to forget the pain, and make a memory of a new man, a kind, loving, man. I tried by watching a very old home video, filmed not long after my little brother was born. I was then forced to confront feelings that i had burred so far down in me, I forgot they existed. Which was not easy at all, I was also forced to confront the fact that, as much as i have tried all my life not to be, I am so much like my father. There are all these crazy things in him that are in me. I can however say that all those things i have learned to use for good, and not let them hurt me or those around me. After a few days of recovery, I have now realized what I have to do. I have made peace with my father, I understand that he just wasnt capable to love me the way i needed him to. I understand that because of his bipolar and depression he wasnt able to be himself. and i have realized that he treated me the way he did because he saw so much of me in him, and hated it, because he hated himself. I forgive him, for every tear and every painful moment he brought into my life, I forgive you. But i will never forget, I cant, how could i even try to forget 8 years of my life. However i do see how the pain made me stronger and for that im grateful. so even though i forgive you, i cant forget. that means all i can do is move on. move on, and say good bye to trying to make you into someone i never knew. And so Im saying goodbye to all that.

The second hardest goodbye, I have to say to another man. Not even close to the kind of good bye said to my father. This on is me saying good bye to a friend. He's leaving, and as much as i would rather slash his car tires and beg him to stay before looking him in the eye, and saying have a good life. I know thats just what i gotta do. He will go on, and so will I. But having him in my life for the past year wont be a waste. nope, because even though i may never see him again, I will never forget what he taught me. And how he was part of making me into who i am now. who will only get wiser with time. so this good bye is filled with sadness, but not completely. Theres a little bit of gratitude.

The last good bye, is to me again. To the girl I was on Saturday. Because the girl that is writing this now, is different. So different. so goodbye to what was holding me back, and hello to the person I am and will become. Because living life for what happened will make me miss what is next.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Ant Farm

About a month ago I discovered that a happy family of ants has moved into my house. If it was an other bug i would have to move out, but luckily i can handle ants. I would prefer a bunch of lady bugs that could be a pretty cool thing to brag about. "Well I have a lady bug infestation." Ants have never really grossed me out. I would like them to be gone, but there everywhere, i doubt my efforts will work out in my favor. I wasn't to worried about these little critters until this morning. After waking up, i kinda just laid in bed. That's the best way to wake up, just on your own, and not have to hurry. When i suddenly realized there was a bug running on my pillow. That was it! i can share my house but i do not share my bed! I killed the little ant, but was grossed out. If that bug could crawl that close to me just think of the ants that i have not seen at night. crawling all over me, i bet i swallowed a few. And personally ants are not fine dinning to me. Aaron yes, he had a little liking to then as a child.....that and handfuls of dirt. Lucky he grew out of that one......that might be awkward to explain to a date.

2. yesterday I was watching Oprah, she was talking about "The Secret" and the law of attraction, again. I watched "The Secret" with my mom about a year ago. I thought it was really cool, and tried to apply it in my life for a while. I made a Vision Board, that was never really specific. I do have to say that i put a picture up of the book of Mormon, and since then I have slowly been making mt way through it. And the whole college thing worked out, I still need romance, a Temple marriage and like a brand new house on the beach. but I'm sure that will come in time! Anyways, I guess i kind of forgot all about the law of attraction and positive thinking, Life gets busy. So I decided to put the theory back into play in my life. the past 2 months I've just be SO negative! So on the way to work i picked a problem in my life, and put it into a positive phrase. I picked this, I want a way to pay off my laptop debt, quickly and honestly. I said that all the way from the west side to down town. I looked up at a sign, for sun life financial, a huge HELP WANTED sign. i smiled, don't you love when things just work out. I continued to say this phrase in my head while i was at work. After work i was talking to a friend i use to work with at IGA. I asked if the needed more people there, and he told me that the manager had just fired a girl that day! ah how i love the law of attraction. Now just attract me a couple thousand dollars, and a great guy to date! lol. one step at a time, it will work out.

3.Last night I talked to my mom for hours. I love talking to her, i think that my mom and Aaron and Anna are the only people i get to be exactly who i am with. And i love it. so anyways sometimes i feel my mom laughing in her head at me, I talk about the stupidest things, and when i have something on my mind i just go and go and go, and all she has time to do is say "uh hu". But talking to my mom always makes things better. Especially when Tim (my step dad) is gone. Then she talks for hours, even when she says gotta go, we still talk. I love my mom. and cuz i know she reads my blog, I wanted to take a paragraph to tell you that it means a lot to me that you just listen to my insanity, and my stupidity. and that you put up with my EXTREMELY random emotional swings. I heard this great thing on Oprah, a lady said that she had realized that good put her children with her, because she wanted her to be herself, not the perfect mother. That her kids needed her in all her stupid, or bad moments, and that being her makes her the perfect mother for those kids. i hope my mom knows that she might have not been the perfect mom for the kids next door, but she is for me and my brother, good job mom.

4. Today in the mail I got a large envelope that said i had been chosen for a national survey. I opened it to realize that it was from PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) I like animals, and i support a lot of the stuff that the organization does. I love that they are trying to educated the population about the treatment of animals. I do not however like that they sometimes take the ethical treatment of animals so seriously. When your cause leads to bombings and breaking the law, that's when i say good basic idea but a little intense for me. Anyways I gave them my address on the net so i could get a free vegetarian starter kit. But i assumed I'd get more. So i read the letter explaining about, companies using animals to test crap on that they really don't need to be. and all about all this other stuff, that i did find interesting, and i would love to get involved in the cause, i started filling out the questionnaire, and got to the last question......I would like to donate 20, 30, 40, 50, other dollars to PETA. ok this is when i got angry. I cant just help with a cause i have to give you money, right well that's a big no i have no money. I would love to print a flyer off your website and stand in the mall and pass them out to passerby. I don't want to mindlessly give your company money, so it can go to things like telling the world Paul McCartney is a vegetarian so you should be one to. Do get me wrong its a totally wicked organization i just don't like being milked for money, with sympathy letters in my mail.

5. about a week ago I decided to fill all these old Jones soda bottles and put food coloring in them and line them up on my kitchen window Sile. It looks really cool it adds color to my kitchen, which is rather white. so decorating tip for poor people, color water + fun bottles= pretty thing to look at! It may not be Martha Stewart but hey! i like it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Rain Rian and more Rain

The last time it really rained where i live was the year i moved to washington state. that year the rivers flooded and everyone was totally shocked. RAIN! what is this RAIN! theres not alot of rain here. In April i remember thinking to myself....April showers brings may flowers, ya right. and then 2 weeks later It dumped the largest rain storm i had seen while living here. and then it kept going and going, until i realized the rain has drowned Mays flowers. Sad really but maybe this will hold winter off longer. i hate winter. all that snow, and cold. I always thought i really liked rain. I remember as a child me and my younger brother out side, splashing in the puddles and "dancing" in the rain. I always had fond memories of rain. But lately the rain has rung in a string of misfortunate events.

1.Including my small amount of hours at work being slashed in half. Last week i walked into work, to see a older blond lady standing at the counter that my manager was suppose to be. then i walked into the back room to discover 2 more women packing up boxes. After about 15 minutes of these women scurrying around me, i finally asked why they were here. Lorna, the lady from head office, informed me that she had fire everyone else, and that we had a new staff. NO WAY! i guessed that. i was in shock why no one bothered to call me and give me a heads up. "Hey Cath, We um we fired all of the people you work with, just to let you know. and we are watching you so dress nice." As the day went on i realized that this staff change was to determent. I wasnt offered the Full Time instead the assumed that i could only work 3 days a week. And then when i told them different, they were so happy not to have to hire another Part Time girl. and then scheduled me for 8 hours the next week. 8 HOURS!!!!! i have laptop payments, and rent and phone bills and bus passes to buy. not to mention every thing i own has a huge whole in it! Because i bought it summer of grade 11! And i would enjoy a Little extra money you know FOR FOOD! Ya i would think i would be completely use to my job screwing me over. but for some reason its always a HUGE shock! oh well so is my life.

2. I dont know If i have ever written about Nolan. but he is the most AMAZING guy i have ever met. He was my home teacher for most of the time I knew him. But after being released, he asked me on a few group things with him. The first it was great i had a ton of fun. The second time i was in cold lake. the third time i had to work.....a 3 hour shift. So as i sat there doing nothing at this job that I make no money at, I realized that Nolan would probably not ask me to do anything else. 2 rejections, and because i am not the brightest crayon in the dating box, i didnt really act real flirty like, and say something witty like, "But I will call you when im not busy and we can do something." or even " I hope i can next time". No I sat there for that pitiful 3 hours and thought about how the guy that is perfect, would never agian ask me to do something. and then he would Leave to Ontario in a few weeks, and i wouldn't even have the chance to redeem myself. And i couldn't decide who to be more angry with My job or MYSELF!

3. Its been 2 weeks since my newest roomie moved in, Grace. wow. i mean i dont think i have ever seen so many pictures of Jesus in one room. Im not lying she has the biggest room in the house, and every inch of all the walls is COVERED in pictures of Jesus. I mean im all good with Jesus and all, but I think there's a limit to how many pictures you can have of him, just like any person. If you have 300 pictures of them in your room, it maybe consider stalking. But then the "SO hows living with grace going?'" happened. and i smile and say " Well she never comes out of her room. and the say "ya she's like that" and then proceed to tell me how interesting 9for lack of a better word) she is, and how she kinda a religious freak, ha ya guessed that one, after the first glace at her room! Laura and I thought she hated us at first, we now see that she doesn't really like anyone, so its not as huge. But she says these things that drive me crazy. and she is just SO intense with the church stuff. I mean she finds a way to bring Jesus into EVERYTHING, cooking, cleaning, bus rides, its just a little much for this girl.

4.Because of the hour slash at my job, I started out on a quest for another job. And where i live is just swimming with job openings. This is what is all over the news and theres adds everywhere. well dont be fooled, cuz half those places have signs up for fun. ya I spent 2 days searching for another job, and only handed out about 6 resumes. I asked more times then i could count. But no. They arnt hiring, they just like playing with your mind. and have you get your hopes up. and then they look at you like your pathetic, and say no we filled the spots we just have the sign up in case.... So after 2 days of this, I was applied out. And more then desperate for a job. SO i ran into a old co-worker from IGA, he was a favorite of mine. and he told me all about what was going down with the store. and then when he found out i was looking for another job, he insisted i come back, that they would be more than happy to take me back. I know this i really do. Its just i really hated that job, I wanted so bad just to be able to have a new adventure. but i now realize that i dont have much of a choice. I am going tomorrow to beg for my old job back. This alone is enough to make me want to cry for days on end. But i dont have much of a choice.

5. Kristian left on his mission. I never thought we were that great of friends, i always thought he liked me WAY more than i liked him. but i talked to him everyday for 4 months before he left. and know that he's gone i miss him. allot. especially since i haven't had a prime past 2 weeks. I really needed someone to talk to. and well since i have pretty much cut Cody outta my life, and Laura knows everything already, and stephy doesn't need to be burdened with other peoples problems right now, that kinda ment the only friend i had left was Kristian. and he is gone. man, I hate when you dont realize what you got until its gone. not only does it suck for you, it makes you look like a HUGE jerk to that other person. Im still not in love with the boy, i guess it just sunk in this week, my best friend is gone for 2 years. man that sucks.

Wow this wasn't meant to turn into such a negative blog entry.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

so small

theres about a hundred and fifty million things running through my head at this moment in time. so here are just a few.

I have desided to cut red meat out of my diet. today is my second day. When your poor you dont realize how much hamburger you eat. Spaggetti has hamburger, tacos, hambergur helper....all the poor kind food. so i have resorted to tuna. yesturday i made rice, and mixed tuna with it, and poored some soya sauce on it. It looked truely like puke. and smelt rather fishy. but i ate it, it was really good. i just need to find a way to make it look good. Because theres just something about eating something that lookslike you stole from a cat.

For the past couple of weeks i've been in my own world. and in my world, when im not enjoying it, i read. I have made it through all 3 twilight books a couple of church books and the first harry potter as well as Helaman in the Book of mormon, all in 1 month. Im starting to run out of books. Its sad when i start talk to my room mates about how i wish i was bella in twilight, and that i have a secret crush on jacob black....who i know is the less desirable of the two freaks in the book. But I guess i feel bad loving edward when Bella loves him so dearly. see this is what i mean. THEIR NOT EVEN REAL! lol.... in the end every one of my friends have agreed to read these books, cuz there just that good! Unfortuantly i have not felt like leaving my little book world yet...and i have a rather large fee at the library still. i might have to suck it up and pay the late fees. I can only read my books so many times before i can recall everything that happens.

I have a new room mate her name is grace. she is rather nice, i've know her for a while now. but she offically moved in saturday. so when i got home sunday night from cold lake, she was here. But my other roomie laura was not. this alowed me to unleash all of my negitive feelings about what laura does on grace (lucky her). I was having a rather emotional week and laura and cody were at the root. so after i went on about laura being a sucky roomate. they all came home. and guess who was with them....cody. so of course he angered me and she got the blunt end of me raging. poor girl. and she thought i was a nice normal mormon girl, with not to much drama. Last night she went to her old house and then went ot bed as soon as she got home. tonight shes going out with her old room mate. I think i scared the poor girl away. i didnt mean to she just cought me in the middle of a personal melt down. but those can be rather scary i have been told. Well at least shes stuck here till september so she will have time to realize that i am not always completely insane!

Sunday after the 12 hours bus ride home, alex and rustin (2 old friends from high school) picked me and steph up. we all desided to go get dinner, me and steph were ready to eat them, so i was a wise choice on thier part. Alex and Rustin are 2 very intersting boys apart. but put together, well i would equate them to a pair of 12 year old boy who just realized that girls dont really have coutees. My group of friend have always had no problem talking about sex and everything to go along with it. It is usually a topic that is joked about alot. So we sit down in the seafood place and steph goes to the bathroom. This leaves me with tweedle dum and tweedle dumber. and as the laugh at stupid things, alxex mentions that he and rustin bought a blow up doll today. I wish i could say that surprised me. anyways, i really at this point wanted to look at them and say, "Look i understand that you are completely fasinated with your penis! but i am a girl, and there is just somethings you dont tell girls! even if we are friends!" while yelling at them in my head i dawned on me why these 2 are single!

Sunday, June 1, 2008

It was worth it

Cold Lake was great. Have you ever been surrounded by people that just love you....that bring out the best in you? That was cold lake. a whole family plus my bestfriend. Laughing, loving, playing, singing, sleeping, joking. Things that have been lost in my life lately. the best thing i felt there was the spirit.
Thats something that i never really feel in this little apartments of mine. I dont know if its my room mates tendency to do a little much with her boyfriend here....or if its something im lacking (ok lets not kid ourselves, its alot about her!) But it is something that i have really missed.
K's house was in the middle of no where. you drive through a forest and a fields to find this cute little house. and even thought the house needed a few repairs a coat of new paint, and some felt like a good place to be. this little house was nestled right in front of a wooded area and a lake, with a dock. to the left a field with a horse. and to the right a small chicken pen with 2 peacocks. there was a 2 dogs for me to love and chase, and a cat. I was in heaven! I spent the day at the lake and in the field with the horse and chasing the dog Zee around, throwing footballs(not well), listening to O (K's interesting single cousin) tell bad jokes and use lame pick up lines, roasting hot dogs, singing along to music, checking hockey scores, running back and forth from cherry grove to cold lake.
It was beautiful.....Northern Alberta is oh so pretty not BC but closer than the south.
All in all it was what i needed.......the welcome party from stupid and the stupider twins was not needed.....but i guess i cant really control that one.