Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Good bye

Life is full of good byes. some easy and some not so much. some said with love, some said out of habit. some are in famous catch phrases, some are said in spite. No matter what the contexts the phrase good bye almost always holds a lot of emotion behind it. This has been a weekend off good byes.

The first goodbye was to me. For the first time in years i was forced to visit a life i havent been a part of since my mom got married. We went home. I talked to people that were part of the old us, and people who will always be a part of the new us. but no one that is part of me. I mean my family is part of me, i cant get rid of them even if i tried. but they arnt really a day to fay part of my life. So on Saturday i got to say good bye to the old me. a girl who was just waiting to be set free, made into a memory and not event. I said good bye to that hurt and shy little girl.

The next good bye was by far the hardest. For a long time now i have felt like i needed to forgive my father, I believe in my heart of hearts that i have. But I felt that to forgive is to forget. which it is not. you can forgive someone for causing yo pain, but never forget how much that hurt. So I wanted to forget, I wanted to forget the pain, and make a memory of a new man, a kind, loving, man. I tried by watching a very old home video, filmed not long after my little brother was born. I was then forced to confront feelings that i had burred so far down in me, I forgot they existed. Which was not easy at all, I was also forced to confront the fact that, as much as i have tried all my life not to be, I am so much like my father. There are all these crazy things in him that are in me. I can however say that all those things i have learned to use for good, and not let them hurt me or those around me. After a few days of recovery, I have now realized what I have to do. I have made peace with my father, I understand that he just wasnt capable to love me the way i needed him to. I understand that because of his bipolar and depression he wasnt able to be himself. and i have realized that he treated me the way he did because he saw so much of me in him, and hated it, because he hated himself. I forgive him, for every tear and every painful moment he brought into my life, I forgive you. But i will never forget, I cant, how could i even try to forget 8 years of my life. However i do see how the pain made me stronger and for that im grateful. so even though i forgive you, i cant forget. that means all i can do is move on. move on, and say good bye to trying to make you into someone i never knew. And so Im saying goodbye to all that.

The second hardest goodbye, I have to say to another man. Not even close to the kind of good bye said to my father. This on is me saying good bye to a friend. He's leaving, and as much as i would rather slash his car tires and beg him to stay before looking him in the eye, and saying have a good life. I know thats just what i gotta do. He will go on, and so will I. But having him in my life for the past year wont be a waste. nope, because even though i may never see him again, I will never forget what he taught me. And how he was part of making me into who i am now. who will only get wiser with time. so this good bye is filled with sadness, but not completely. Theres a little bit of gratitude.

The last good bye, is to me again. To the girl I was on Saturday. Because the girl that is writing this now, is different. So different. so goodbye to what was holding me back, and hello to the person I am and will become. Because living life for what happened will make me miss what is next.

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