The art of manipulation

manipulation is something I am terrible at. I have tried the puppy face, nothing. The crocodile tears, still nothing. I've tried about ever trick in the book. bottom line manipulation is not in my being.
Since I moved to the bridge i got slightly better at it. and since I move to the big city, I have gotten even better.
All of this was revealed to me last night. I had just got home from a crazy day at work, and was doing my usual facebook routine, when suddenly I got a message.
from who you ask? well try to guess.

let me back track a bit about a month ago I had a conversation with Cody, and told him I would always be his friend, there was nothing he could to do change that. I made a promise (to me a promise is like a sign sealed and delivered contract, not to be broken, I honestly cannot remember the last time i broke one.) Well I sure do know how to hang my self over and over again, don't I?
2 weeks later I had a deep desire to call it off all together, I would have traded my soul for a a way out of that gay friendship.
returning to last night.

Cody says: So Me and Andrea are friends again
Me: I know
Cody: How?
Me: I can figure things out you know.
Cody: yeah, but how
me: facebook
Cody: how on facebook
Me: It doesn`t matter
Cody: Humour me
Me: your status
Cody: see now how hard was that
Me: very
Cody: out of curiosity why was it hard.

this is the part of the conversation where I went, why did I say very I don't care at all. I just really wish he would stop talking to me!
And then It happened, it was like it was as natural as peeing (sorry that's the most natural thing i could think of at the moment.) I guess I picked up on how much Cody had manipulated me over the years. I said something purely for the fact that I knew he would react badly. but in no way what so ever felt like this.

Me: Cuz that means that I look at your profile, and still care about you as a friend, when you clearly don`t care about me as a friend at all. (notice all the ``as a friend`s`)
Cody: you know what I`m not doing this, F you. (but add an uck to that F)
Me: ok bye!

the conversation soon escalated more and more. I was saying these things that I didn`t even feel at all, just so he would get madder and madder. I knew just what to say to push each and every button he had. and I couldn't stop myself from doing it!
Soon I received a text message saying that he was sick and tired of this (still not positive what this was) and that he had had enough, our friendship was over. Those word set me free.
So I can keep my soul from the devil after all.
I quickly reply with ok Cody, but remember you chose this.
which was followed by swears and anger.
I quickly wrote him a facebook message saying all the things I had kept from him about me leaving the bridge. and then that was it
I am no longer legally bond to Cody Healy. wow that's great to say.
So my fine blogger fiends, If you get anything form this get these:

A) don't be hasty to sell your soul, eventually you can find a way out!

B) Manipulation is an art form that is easily learnt, easily used, and there for should only be used in times of need (see above statement)

C) This will be the last blog post about Cody (I hope!)his number has been deleted in my phone, his facebook profile deleted, all pictures and notes have been burn, so I am finally free to move on. He gave me my life back just like that.

D) I guess I`m going to need to find another man to write about, this time lets go with, not a manipulating jerk, and possibly could he be good looking fun and have a soul, and not attract drama like honey attracts pooh bear! cuz those were all things I miss out on by having Cody around.

The New Life

So things are pretty good.
I have a house full of amazingly amazing room mates. Each of them are the bomb (some more than others) I actually am going to miss Shona ans Arianna when they leave next month! I don't think I have ever laughed so much with anyone.....well thats a lie. i laugh so hard I'm close to peeing my pants with BG.....and T's pretty funny herself!
having good room mates makes everything so much happier! so here hoping the next batch of girls is as good as the last.
I also move out of this closet in a month and up to a big persons room! I have picked the smallest room of the 3 big rooms, but hey I don't have THAT much stuff! plus I like that it's brown, it matches the colour scheme of my bed.
Boy's are still looking pretty slim....however NP (my perfect man) did just break up with his girlfriend, now all he needs to do is get his butt back here from the far east and marry me and everything will be perfect! lol
The job is going good. I have just acquired a new manager from H-E-double L. but since I live on the complete opposite side of the big city, thats easy to fix. 2 words "Transfer please!" and I will be whisked away to a location far closer to my house! gotta love living far away!

undecided

I remain undecided, was Twilight good? or was it bad? well it's not close to the amazing story that flows out of Stephanie Meyers pages. but it was a good attempt. I can't complain about it to much. I did break out laughing about a million times. I think the problem was the parts that were meant to be full of sexual tension in the book, came of as awkward on the big screen. which was, i must admit, funny, but not even close to how emotional the book is. all in all I give it 3 stars, and a high five for casting the perfect Edward and Jacob. but a dirty glare for making Bella seem so dumb!

It got old

Lately all lot has been getting old so heres a few things that are just getting old.

1. counting down to twilight. all my friends are seeing it tonight (losers!)so my excitement is rather lost cuz I know they will wreck it for me. and well to tell you the truth I love twilight, but it's just a movie. It's kinda like Christmas it's exciting for a few weeks but then its just not all that exciting anymore. so go enjoy Twilight!

2. trying to keep any kind of relationship with Cody. I thought well we can still be friends, I don't love him but hey, I did say I will always be here for him! I was wrong, not cuz I still love him no. Cuz he is stupid and blew up on me about going to a third world or some crap like that, when I told him he wouldn't go to Japan on his mission, because he only wanted to go there cuz his best friend is serving there. what I did not tell him is that I doubt he's even remotely worthy to serve a mission and most likely wont go on one.(I'm to Christ-like to say things like that) either way, I came to the conclusion I'm not just tired of loving him, I'm tired of him. He knows where I am if he needs me he can find me.I'm checking out of this stupid friendship.

3. Christmas music, I do realize there is still like a month to go, but I have been listening to the same 3 Christmas CDs at work for 2 weeks. I may have to shoot the next person that says "I love Christmas music!". It maybe that Christmas is my least favourite holiday, or it may just be that there is only about 20 Christmas songs known to man, and about 700 different remakes. either way Christmas music is getting way old.

4. Crazy people and buses why is it that only crazy people sit next to you on the bus?? why is it that edward cullens doesn't sit next to me on the bus and realize I am his bella? hummm.....do i look crazy? do I look like I care just how much money you spent on your meds this month, I know I do look kind, but kind doesn't mean I enjoy having a conversation about your lack of breast. And kind really doesn't mean I want to give you bra advice in front of all these people (especially that good looking one next to me) could you at least stop abusing your craziness and lower your voice! I mean I don't want to hear about your desired chest size, and that guy at the back doesn't either! there is no reason why you can't look out the window and not be crazy to me!

5. people that one text you. one texting goes like this
"Cathy guess what happened today!?"
Cathy: what?
I wait patiently for a reply, one hour goes by, two. then I text again:
"hello, what happened?"
three hours go by, four hours, and I give up.....you either A) had a good day B) saw something scandalous or C)something different happened but you were killed before telling me.....either way I'm not going to find out. so I move on with my life, but find it annoying.

Vampire Delight

So I do realize that this has nothing to do with the twilight movie, but I saw it last night and thought it was to cool. it was made for a "Breaking dawn" release party, I wouldn't want to eat it! I think its to cool, and for those of your who will attend my wedding in the future, don't be surprised if this cake is there! lol
oh and 2 days!

Q and A

Todays Twilight clip is 3 stupid questions, asked to the cast, and their answers. 3 Questions and 3 DAYS!!!

How It Feels To Be Over You!

Something I never thought I would get to write about! I'm over Cody! It is the greatest feeling I have ever experienced! EVER!
I have my Emotions back, he can't control them at all! and he hates it. But I love It!
How it feels to be over you, is kind of how it would feel to win the lottery. Or have a 67 mustang convertible delivered to my door by Robert Pattinson himself.
Getting over you is kinda the biggest thing I did EVER! moving on from you is kind of like kicking off the pair of shoes I wear to work that kill my feet. Be happy without you is just like breathing.
I do have to say the best part of being over you....is that your still not over me. and how you react when I don't react. I maybe a little sadistic, or maybe I just like watching you try so hard to hurt me, and watching it slide off. The greatest thing is listening to you throw a tantrum, and having it not even effect me in the slightest.
This is how it feels to be over you, and it is amazing! I wouldn't give up how it feel to be without you, to be with you ever again. Because I have never felt so strong, i have never felt so in control, I have never felt so whole. and all it took was to let go of my feelings for you.
Being over you is realizing that I don't need you. and really believing it. Being over you is feeling like I am that girl I was before, the one who was strong and confident, the one who could walk into a room of people and walk out with 10 new friends.
Being over you is realizing that I'm to amazing, to beautiful, to free spirited to be with someone as hurtful and ugly inside as you are.
Being over you is freedom.

Love--ly

Just a picture today....I love that these two actors are so believable, I look at them and believe they love each other! 4 days left!

Edward is a Hottie!

Well if the boy who played Edward didn't own my heart enough as it is, I found a new reason to love Robert Pattinson......He sings like an angel!!! vheck out this song he wrote for the Twilight soundtrack! goodness I want to find me one of Him
Oh and 5 Days!

Decode

So this is a song from the Twilight Soundtrack (Yes I bought it!)Its also by one of my favourite bands (Paramore)....Which i have to say Is pretty stellar. It also has never before seen footage of Twilight in it! 6 days left Twilight lovers!!! enjoy

Twilight-A-Thon

As any true Twilight freak should know, the Twilight Movie (based on the Stephanie Meyers book Twilight) opens in 7 days! Because I a bit of a freak, and more importantly because Twilight is amazing I am starting the "Twilight Blog Count Down"! Each day I will post a new clip that has to do with Twilight to celebrate my excitement! If you haven't already, todays post was "Bella's Lullaby", watch, enjoy, comment, and share in the excitement of what in my personal opinon is the only movie I've ever been excited for! (Hey usually I have better things to do than sit around and count the days till a movie opens!)

Bella's Lullaby

So its 7 days until Twilight comes out.....ever wonder just what Bella's Lullaby sounded like? me to! this is the song from the movie sound track.....its also on repeat on my Ipod!

Emotion

don't waste your emotion on me he said, i don't care about your pain. I finally see, that even when i spent all this time convincing myself that you do care about me you don't. Why did I waste 2 years of my life wishing you would love me. Why did i not just love myself?
How could he think this emotion was wasted? When it wasn't my emotion that was wasted it was my life. What I felt for you it wasn't emotion. It was my everything. it was how I made it through, when my life was worth less than nothing.
And how could you let me do that? why didn't you walk away and stay away!? because your self fish, because you can't live with out me. but not because you love me, because I give my everything to you. I carry you. that's why you came back not because you love me, because I make your life that much easier.
I had to leave the place I love, the people I love because of you! do you know that? Not because Laura and Will were sleeping together. Because I loved you so hard that I was recking my own life. And you let me. You held me in your arms when i cried and then you let me think you loved me. You held my hand your played with my hair, you told Laura you would find a way to bring me back. Not because you love me, but because you need me.
Do you know that I have to mentally not let my self touch you. I have to convince myself days in advance that I wont hold you to long when we hug, that I wont put my head on your shoulder at the movies, that I wont let my hand fall into your when we walk. Days, of thinking how much harder it will be if I let those things happen to watch you go.
But for you those things are easy. They just happen because you like feeling my love for you, you feed off the fact that someone is crazy about you. It makes you a bigger man if a girl is in love with you. You don't care that I spend months after wards praying that I wont let you hurt me like that again.
You really thought your warnings meant something didn't you. Really thought that after that night that I lied in your arms for hours and hours that I wouldn't be impacted, just because you once said you didn't love me. Actions speak louder than words.
I can't believe that even after I moved miles away I find my self remembering you. thinking about how it felt to be held like that, thinking about every word said that night, every laugh every tear. thinking about the promises you made.
How could you be so self fish?
I thought once that how I felt for you was never a waste, even if you never felt that way to. I felt love was never a waste. but I was so wrong. every moment of sleep every tear drop that ran down my face, every minute of worry. It was all a waste. because here I sit talking to you about "her". And even know i think that the reason you feel different about "her" is me. I let you tell me how much you love her, I let you tell me how you feel like nothing with out her. and you have the nerve to say I could never understand? how dare you. I gave you my life, that's more than you ever gave "her".
But that's OK because at this moment I take it all back.Every tear, every moment I wanted you to just hold me, all of it. I'm done loving you Cody. I can't do it anymore. I can't waste this life God gave me. I have so much a head of me, It scares me to look at what I can be. That's why I hid behind my love for you.
I'm quiting you cold turkey. Your never going to be my perfect brand of heroin. You are no longer my Edward. I am letting you go Cody. Because I refuse to be like you. I have better things to do.
A life with no love would be better than what you can give me Cody. because I am tired of taking what I can get, I'm tired of settling for less than I deserve.
It wont be easy, it will be painful. But I am worth more than what you give me. good bye forever. from now on you end with friend. I can be strong with out you, I can be brave with out you. I am Safe with out you, but most importantly I am loved, really loved with out you.
Don't waste your emotions on me he said, OK for once I agree with you.

The Thing About Room Mates

The thing about room mates is that they are always very unique. Always. My last room mates each had things that made them shine, and had things that made me want to kill them. But I loved them for the most part.
Now I get to discover room mates all over again! which I do enjoy (not even being sarcastic!) I love learning peoples personalities, I don't however like finding out that they are impossible to live with.

Any ways

My NEW and improved room mates!(For the most part)
right now there is 6 of us. all members (I think)3 upstairs and three downstairs.

Roomie #1 Courtnay...Don't know much about her, except that she is having a ruff time due to stress about moving to Utah in January... I don't judge her for that, been there turned into the super bitch as well. She seems like she is a rather cliquey girl, who doesn't mind new people terribly but you wont really be noticed until she learns to trust you. she is the ring leader of the house, and for the most part keeps to her self.

Roomie #2 Ariana....She is way cute, and way friendly. I've been here 4 days and have already been out with her twice. she is super random, she has one of those "Hey look at me" personalities. Which isn't bad. She is second in command, And is good at befriending just about anyone. She is also super glam. she has nice nice clothes and hair and make up. even after waking up she looks like she walked out of a seventeen magazine.

Roomie #3....It's sad but I haven't actually caught her name! she moved in the day after me, but got a big room...good thing I'm not picky or that could have pissed me off a lot! anyways shes really nice, and is here for a year on a visa. She is from either Ireland Scotland or Liverpool, I haven;t got a chance to sit down with her and chat yet. But I am most excited to get to know her. But from the little i have talked to her she seems super friendly.

That is the three upstairs girls.

Roomie #4 Candise....Shes nice, she keeps to her self, shes not a out there personality, but she can hold a conversation. Shes really nice, she's moving to The Bridge in January... the funny thing is when I first met her I thought "Wow she fits the bridge stereotype." I like her, she aspires to be a lawyer, and has a degree in sign language.

Roomie #5 Sam.... Sam Is interesting. the first time I met her was at church. She was wearing a short black leather shirt and a red plaid top tied up(she had a shirt underneath covering her stomach. and long blonde un showered hair, with black leather ankle boots. Not something you usually see at a mormon gathering. How ever I had a nice chat with her, she seem like she is very sure of her self. she is EXTREMELY real. But nice, we get along pretty well, but I also see some arguments in our future. Ariana filled me in on her. She was banished to the smallest room in the house in the basement, because of her dog. Which is not house trained and craps all over the house. and Is rather neglected (however she has been told the dog goes or she does). She apparently doesn't shower much and is a slob. of course I was a little shocked today when I was making dinner and she came prancing through the house in a skimpy towel she was holding together in the back. Not that I don't run through the hall every morning with a towel on....but then again I did just get out of the shower. and I'm not wandering through the house. She never did take a shower....so maybe she was just airing herself out? either way it was a little shocking.

despite the interesting personality traits of each of these girls, I'm really liking it here. I hope it will only get better, since 3 girls are moving out In January that means I will have 3 more personalities to experience. Oh well at least I get to move up to a big room!

The nice thing about not knowing any of these girls before hand, is that it will take a while for them to learn enough about me, to give life pointers....which was a frequent problem with my last room mates!

7 things

It maybe extremely sad that I can relate this song....due to the fact that its by Miley Cyrus, and that these girls in the video are like 14. but I do! oh well...I guess love is the same no matter what age 14 or 47 it still brings out your best and worse emotions.

Remembrance

Remembrance Day, I do realize that this is a day to remember fallen solders and their fight for our freedom. But on Remembrance Day I often skip that part, I am very grateful for them men and women that fought so I could sit here and freely express myself. I would not even want to imagine a world where I couldn't tell you that I don't support war, and violence. A world where I couldn't have the freedom to support a greener earth, and all the morals and values I have embraced. So don't get me wrong when I say for me Remembrance day is a day for me to remember a man who meant a lot to me.
My Grandfather Roy Coppin, served in WW2. And because of that Remembrance Day has become my day to remember the life of my Grandfather.

My Grandpa died when i was 14, but I lost him long before that. he went in for a surgery to save his life, and it saved his body, but not his mind.
The greatest honour I ever had was when I found out the even though he lost basically all of his memory, he remembered me and my brother. my Grandpa was not a Good father, but he was the perfect Grandpa. I never felt un-loved when he was around.
He use to carry one of those money dispensers that hold loonies and twoonies. Every time he saw my or my brother he would give us a dollar or two. he was always full of hugs.
He was the only Grandpa I ever knew, and he made up for the fact that I never got to know my Grandpa Shipley's love. He had enough love to fill both spots.

My favourite Memory of my Grandfather in his last years, showed that even though he was slipping away part of him was still there.
I was visiting my grandparents, and my Grandpa was in pretty bad shape (he was moved to a home about 3 months later, his memory basically gone) I was left home with him while my Grandma went shopping. He was really easy to watch, because he would just lay on the couch and watch channel 2 (the news channel that you have to read) for hours. I was sitting next to him reading a book, and he looked up. He looked at me and said "Hunny where's Elenor?" I stopped and looked at him and said "She is shopping Grandpa." which was followed by his response, "Dam women always spending my hard earned cash on useless crap!" which was followed by a few more curse words, and then snoring.

My Grandpa was amazing man, and even though he made many mistakes, he will always be someone I hold dear to my heart.

And so my remembrance day is filled with good memories of a grandfather friend and solder. Someone who played a small role in the war, but a large role in my life.

My perfect kind of drug

I don't know what to do. It seems it has all been solved but one problem, the hardest one. Please don't leap out of your seats I'm fine. I just need advice from anyone.
How do you stop loving someone?
I realize that I told most every one I was on the road to getting over Cody. but that was a lie.
How do you break a habit that is worse than drugs?
I want to move on, I do. I want to find Mr Perfect. I know Cody isn't it. So why does it still feel like I can't live with out him?
Why is my biggest fear that he will say sorry, live your own life, I don't want you in mine anymore?
Why do I think that out of everything that has ever happened to me, that would be something I could never live through?
Why am I so pathetic!?
Please some one tell me how to get over someone you would lay your life down for?
I wish I could say that I know one day I will be over him, but the truth is I don't think I could ever kick this habit, but it's the one habit I want more than anything to get rid of.
So you Lover birds out there any advice?
I wish I knew why he is in my life, and why I know he is meant to stay there.
oh love isn't it grand!

Metamorphosis

How a scared, small town girl; who felt broken and hurt became a new women; ready to take on the big city and meet new people.

The feeling that you FINALLY turned your life around, am look at the girl you once were and smile that your a billion times better now.

The process of making a new life for yourself.

Over coming those obstacles that were holding you back, and letting the traumatic hard experiences shape you into a new person.

Putting your life in Gods hands and saying "I'm ready for you take take control, let's make this life great!"

I got a job! and I'm looking for a place in the big city as I type.....Things worked out, huh go figure! well it's funny how good I feel, It's like I transformed, all it took was the words "Can you start Monday?" I so ready to get this life going it's ridiculous! wish me luck bloggers I'm on my way to great things!

The List

The List was made up a long time ago.....Each of my room mates and I sat down and made a list of men, that we could never have, but wanted so badly. We all decided that once we were married we would give the list to our husbands and explain that this is what he beat out! not that any of us would be hooking up with A listers anytime soon! In honour of my ex-roomie getting engadged I have brought the list out! So this is my list......Enjoy (I know I do!)

Mark Walberg


Patrick Dempsey

Johnny Depp

Gerard Butler

John Travolta

Jim Strugess

Shia LaBouf


Jacob Hoggard

Robert Pattinson

Ed Westwick

Note to Self and others

I need to start off by saying thank you.

Thank you to T, for harbouring me in her house for the last month, for feeding and encouraging me. For laughing and showing me what being in a family is like.

Thanks to BG, who has made me feel like his best friend since I got here. For pushing me to do what he thinks is right (turns out it is usually right). For staying up to late to help me out this weekend, and for dragging me to every church activity he could shove in 3 days. For driving me around the big city to look at listings for apartments, while listening to me the whole time (well minus the moments he was making up retarded songs.)

Thanks to Aunt J and Uncle J....first to Uncle J for being my adviser, for trying to get me to think as logically as possible, and for always having a smile on your face. But mostly for caring about me like one of your own even though I'm not. And to Aunt J thank you for loving me and welcoming me in your home. No questions asked, no judgement. Thank you for understanding what I'm trying to do and for helping as much as you can.

Thank you for being the strength in my life all of you.


Ok so I have been searching, pondering, planning and failing for the last month. But not until this weekend did it seem I was ready for what I want. BG told me once that after each traumatic time in our lives right before we are about to embark on something life changing there is a lag time.
Oh the knowledge that come out of that mans mouth. A month of lag time, a long hard month of lag time. A whole month of me thinking I could do it and getting so frustrated when I couldn't.
Note to Self: stop pushing the lords time to blend with my time. it's stressful and not worth the hassle.

So I at last turned to the lord this weekend. I kind of ran out of places to turn. I turned to T and Uncle J and Aunt J, I turned to friends and distant family, no one seemed to be able to help despite all of their efforts. I was mixed up, there were just to many options, to many things I was scared to miss out on. I felt like a wall had permanently been built in front of me. BG gave me a blessing, this helped. Didn't solve my problem, but I wasn't expecting it to, It took that confusion away so I could figure out how to bulldozes that wall down though.
Note to Self: stop using the lord as a last resort, will save many tears and frustrations.

Since that night I have been a clear minded individual. Idea's that I never expected to think have been running through my head. The courage that I felt was lost forever has seemed to come back. I have made friends! real friends! I feel like the person I have been struggling to be for a month now.
Note to Self: you can do anything see. stop questioning your abilities and just trust in the lord. Now get out there and do them!

To A Friend

Sometimes I understand you.

Sometimes the way your are makes perfect scenes.

Sometimes I understand why you feel like you can't trust me.

Sometimes I can see a spark of what you think about yourself in your eyes.

Sometimes I want to run. To not love, to not try. That would be easier.

Sometimes I can feel you hurt. Even from miles away.

Sometimes I don't blame you for still holding on to what you were.

I should be able to understands being afraid of your past.

Sometimes I can't.

Sometimes I try to relate to you, but it never works out. The only thing I truly understand about the way that you are, is your mother. I understand the Hell you see every time you are forced to confront her. That is something that I breath everyday.

Sometimes I wish I could save you. To take you into my arms and protect you like a child.
Sometimes I think it's possible to be the one to save you. Just like that.
Sometimes I cry for you. I know the healing power of a tear. Unfortunately my tears for you, change nothing.
Sometimes I spend hours searching for the answers to your pain, but never seem to find them.
Sometimes it scares me to imagine darkness in this world, because I often find it hard it see through the light.
Sometimes I spend hours praying that you feel love. Love from me, Love from him, and Love from you.
Sometimes I know he watches over you. When your bones should be broken, when you should be dead.
Sometimes I know it's for me he watches you.
Sometimes I know it's for you.
Sometimes I look at you and all I can see is my own broken heart.
Most of the time I look at you and can only see yours.
Sometimes I know you love me.
Sometimes that makes thing worse.
Sometimes I find it in my being to forgive you.
Sometimes I can barely breathe between all the pain you cause me.
Sometimes I think I can stop loving you.
Sometimes I am right.
Sometimes I know that even when you say you don't, you still need me.
Sometimes you are so wrong it scares me.
All of the time I am here waiting to catch you, Hoping to strengthen you, Praying to save you from the man that steals you away.
All of the time you are loved in secret or in truth.