Friday, March 12, 2010


So it has become brutally obvious that I need a bit of change.
I'm writing again. That's a good sign. Writing has always been dear to me. It really is the only thing I love doing. For months there I would get on this trusty lap top of mine, and my mind would be blank. I would close the entry and go to Bryan's house.

First thing that needed to change, Bryan and I.
I'm not really sure why but I am always at Bryan's house. We don't do anything there, well he plays video games. And I sit there usually quietly and watch. I don't like video games. Don't get me wrong I know they hold a place in every man's heart. That's fine. I don't mind playing a game or two.......after an hour I get bored. So anyways Bryan's house, is more like my house.
I hate just sitting there.
How extremely boring!
But it has just become habit.
Get done school get on the bus go to Bryan's. Get done work get on the bus go to bryan's.
New plan.
Go home.
There is a lot better things to do here then there.
And I don't feel like a burden here.
And with my new roomies, there's always something to do.
So Change number one.
Go home. Unless there is a scheduled activity going on at Bryan's.

The window

The window was like a picture frame.
The world passed by her.
First slowly, almost unnoticeable.
Then Quicker
Now it's a blur.
Inside the house it was like a black hole.
Nothing changed, it only got darker.
Inside the house was safe however.
There were warm arms to hold her, and idea's to sustain her.
She began to forget how the window made her feel.
After a while the blur outside didn't even matter.
One day she looked up.
And there it was, the world.
Suddenly she remembered why she loved to look out the window.
A pair of warm arms wrapped around her.
She looked into his eyes, and then out the window again.
She pulled away.
He protested.
Her heart broke.
She picked up her things and put them in a small bag.
And walk out of the door.
The window was like a picture frame.
He looked out it and watch her pass him by.
She never looked though the window again, she lived.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


So I am single.
Yeah, more like this.
he finally stopped lieing to me and told me he wants to be with Bri.
You think I would be more mad but that honesty lead to this.
I must be some kind of wonderful for this, that or completely retarded.
I want to lean to some kinda wonderful.
I am fine.
He is not.
But being single is weird.
So I'm going on a blind date.......I think.
Well it's not so blind since I creeped him on Facebook. Technology it takes all the surprise out of dating.
He is a cowboy I think.....not usually my thing.
But it's just a date, I kinda just want to have fun.
Scratch that, not kinda, I just want to have fun.
Bryan broke me. I am 21 and I am ready to date.
Since I have stopped going to church I have realized something about dating. It is A LOT easier.
I can date anyone I want. And they only have to meet my standards. Not that it is easy to meet my standards. It actually might be harder than meeting the church standards. But back to my main point. I can date anyone.
And I don't have to marry them! I can just date them. Because I am only 21........what a weird way to think!
On another note I moved again!
I moved in with my GBFF Ben. and our Friend Kirsten.
It is so great.
I have a family, right here now.
I can be me, and have no jugdements.
This living situation fits me very well.
I might acutally say that I feel happy.
I feel happy.
Now I just need to figure out the rest of my life.........but I am sure that won't happen any time soon.

Monday, March 1, 2010

What do I say

Well this has been the worst week I have had in a long time. Funny how the worst weeks can remind you how to live.....

I got into a car accident. I'm fine. I backed up into a truck door. Luckly it was driven by a 19 year old boy who was rather chill about his shitty truck having a huge dent in the door. And I quote "As long as I can lock this peice of shit, that's all that matters" He desided there was no need to go through insureance. So what would have cost me over $1200 dollars, only cost me $600. $600 is still a lot but it is A LOT less than $1200. So I paided the man. Thank the lord for student loans! But it was the foreshadowing to rhe rest of my week.

I then broke up with Bryan........yeah. We both desided it would be the best thing for both of us to just be friends. And not friends that make out and hold hands. Just friends. The whole relationship really had both of us thrown. It's funny how by just putting a label on something you can completely ruin it. But then again, eventually label or no label one of use would have screwed it up. Even though it was a mutual decition, it still hurt to lose him. Luckily we broke up on a Friday, so I had the weekend to get over it. I just had to miss a few days of work.

So I called in to work on Saturday morning. My Grandma went to the hospital, I didn't think breaking up with your boyfirend and not being able to handle life was a good enough excuss. Sunday rolled around and it turns out I was suppose to go in that day too. But I missed it. When I found out I missed a shift I was set into histerics. I threw some keys across a room I think, I mostly just remember crying. Apperently I wasn't as ok as I had thought.

But today is Monday, and I think I actually have a grip on things. I had a good honest talk with Bryan. It's weird but it took breaking up with him to be able to actually be honest with him. I got a good nights rest, my homework was all finished before the break up so I don't fail at that! And I feel good.

See I think at the beggining of this school year, I started finding out who I really was. Then I met Bryan, I desided that being with him would make it so I didn't have to find out. And that would be a lot easier. I would just be who ever he made me into. I see now that I need to figure out who I am, before I can include someone else in it.

Lesson Learned. Looks like all the crappy events turn out ok in the end. And so do I. But I was never really worried that I wouldn't make it through. And if I was, well I know I have all you.