Monday, June 21, 2010

Losing you

Do you know what it feels like to lose someone?
How about What it feels like to watch someone slip away, and not be able to do anything?

I am feeling that right now. I have been for months. There is a chance that I could lose my best friend. Every day I watch him get farther and farther into a deep black hole. I have tried everything I can think of to help him. I tried to check him into a hospital,I forced him to see a doctor. I encourage him. I help him in all that he does. I make him laugh and I hold him when he cries. But in the end I am at the same place. Sitting in a hospital chapel waiting for his appointment to be over praying that God will listen to me just this once, and send me someone to help him.

I never thought watching someone slip away would be so hard. I never thought it would force me to face all my fears. It has. And even though I know I am strong enough to do this, at every moment I want to give up. I don't want to be rescued. I want him to get better. I want to see the love in his eyes and know it is here to stay. If one day I do, that's the the day I know I have been strong enough to save my self.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy fathers day

So it's fathers day. It's been a long time since this day has really meant anything to me. But I recently have had a change of heart. So today I am not going to say a lot. But enough.

There are a few guys in my life that I love to death. First is my step dad. Even though we don't see eye to eye all the time, you Tim have really been the closest thing to a father I have ever had. I am so greatful or that. Sometimes it's strange to think that somebody can even be close to filling that big hole in my heart. Where a fathers love should be. But in the past 5 years you have done a pretty good job of it. And I love you, even though you drive me crazy!

Second guy is KC. KC you barely even knew me but you knew that I needed someones love. And when things are hard one of the first thing I know will help me through it is a big hug and a few words from you. Since you came into my life you also helped fill a bit of that hole in my heart. And I trurly am grateful fo you. And love you.

Third, is a man that has always been here right from the start. My uncle. Even when I am not making life decisions that I know everyone is proud of, I still see you uncle J as a great man. I am so thankful for the love you have given me my entire life. The guidence and the patience. You have always been the guy who I looked up to. And even though I didn't really have a dad for a large part of my life, you have alway been basically it. Thank you uncle J for loving me.

And last but not least to my real Dad. Even though it took this long to see it, I love you. You were the first and in the end you are my last "Dad". And I miss you everyday.

Friday, June 18, 2010

woman of influence

In my life time there has been a handful of women who have been there for me. Some more than others. Each of which I am grateful for.

Of course there is my Mom, and she knows how much I love her. But this blog post is about a different woman. Who in the past has made some whoopers of mistakes.

I always looked up to her, she was a good Mom a good wife. She still is. I was trying to pattern my life to look similar to hers. Then one day she told us all a big fat secret that definitely took the cake in our family. People made their own decisions about her. People took it personally or they didn't.

I was shocked yes, but this is one special lady. I never had an issues with what she had chosen. I felt bad for those involved, maybe thought she could have gone about it better. But I have been through my share of parental drama, and I know that even though it is hard, it makes you a better stronger person in the end. I still don't have an issues with what she has chosen. Because her choice is an amazing man, who proves time and time again that bad decisions don't make bad people. And because he is to loving to not get the heart of anyone.

I still look up to her. She is so amazingly strong. And once you get an up close and person look at her new relationship you realize that real love is worth the wait. I know that for some the past year and a half has been trying. But it's all about to become official. And I thought this would be a good time to say how I have always felt.

Sometimes it is hard to see past the hurt. Unfortunately we lose a lot when that happens. I should know I recently let my hurt stand in between loving my father, and look where that got me.

T I love you. You have been the soul reason for my survival this year. You never judge, you never lecture(well usually) you just open your arms and love me regardless of how stupid my decisions are. I am proud to have you in my life (and you know that bald guy that hangs around with you a lot). You are my woman of influence, and we are all lucky to have you as part of our lives (even if some don't know it yet)You are the same person in my eyes, just happier and a little more experianced. And I hope everyone else learns that too.
Congrats T and KC. I love you both.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Photo of the day

So remember how I am taking one photo every day for a year?
And how I was going to post all the extras on here? Well turns out I took 165 photos this week. 7 of which made it to print.......well you see 165 is A LOT of photos to upload one by one on here so I have a better idea!

So I started myself a Flickr page. If your interested in seeing the photos I pick to publish, and the extras maybe you should stop on by! And you know anything else I decide to through in there......right now having one picture a day is kind of got me busy!
don't click on it for some reason it doesn't work, but if you copy and paste it into your address bar you should be good to go. If not it's on my websites on FB.
Go See and then you know tell me how awesome I am! lol

Friday, June 4, 2010

The sound track of my life

Ok so I got tagged in this so here I go....and if you want to as well here's the instructions.
1. Open your music library.
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For the first question, type the song that’s playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the Next button.
6. Tag other people to do it too!


1. Opening Credits: I will posses your heart - Death Cab For Cutie (looking good so far)
2. Waking Up: Disco Heaven -Lady Gaga
3. First Day at School:  The righteous & the wicked - Red hot chili peppers

4. Falling in Love: Jumping rooftops - Angels and Airwaves
5. Losing Virginity: Your song - Harry Connick Jr. 

6. Fight Song: Suck my Kiss - Red hot chili peppers (very good
7. Breaking Up: Breathe- Angels and airwaves
8. Prom: Wear and Tear - Pete Yorn ft Scarlett Johansson
9. Life: Deep -Pearl jam
10. Mental Breakdown: Satellite mind - Metric
11. Driving: When I look at you - Miley Cyrus
12. Flashback:Get buck in here - Akon (ummmm worst flash back song.)
13. Getting Back Together: The Gift - Angels and Airwaves (man they show up a lot in the sound track to my life.)
14. Wedding Night : The Middle - Demi Lovato (the middle of what?)
15. Birth of Child: Hold You in My Arms - Ray LaMontange
16. Final Battle:Dear Blank - Hedley (LAME)
17. Death Scene: Call Home -Wild Lights
18. Funeral Song: Hey - Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Internet dating

Obviously I have a bit of time on my hands lol.
Ok so after all the dirt settled a few months ago, Bryan and I joined a dating site (as a joke) Plenty of Fish. Bryan has had great success with this site. 3 dates and a possible GF now. I however have not had the same luck. Met one nice 100 other messages that I wasn't to crazy about.
So I have decided that since I am now a season veteran in online dating I would give you a list of things I have noticed about online dating.

1. Put a picture up. Seriously, no girl wants to agree to talk to someone that she has no clue what they look like. Attach a picture ok, write and tell me about how all your pics are super old just  makes me think you are really ugly. And 85% of the time I will be right.

2. when you do your write up on your profile there are a few things you should note. First, you need to put more than one sentence. I like music is not enough to draw someone in! BUT you can over do it. If I click on your profile and it takes me 15  minutes to get through your write up that's bad as well.

3. DO NOT write about all of your flaws in your write up. If I decide to message you back I hope that I will start to get to know you better. And over the course of messaging hanging out and even dating I hope I will find your flaws out by myself. By this time your good qualities will hopefully out shine the bad. Don't give it all up at the beginning. You may think that is being honest, but really it is asking girls to click away from your page.

4. SPELL THINGS RIGHT! Ok I'm not the best speller in the world. sure I get a few words wrong here and there. But is it really so hard to copy and paste your stuff to a word doc and SPELL CHECK IT! See I personally think inelegance is important in a future partner. So under no circumstances should you spell the words ARE -- r, TO-- 2, YOU-- u, FOR---4. Really hit the two or three extra keys, it will do you a world of good.

5. Putting a picture with animals in it is really a sink or swim kind of situation.
This is a good picture with animals:

This is not a good picture with animals:

Sink or Swim.

6. Dont take a picture of you abs. Your abs may be smoking, but abs aren't the only thing that I will be looking at.

7. You should just know now if you are more than 10 years older than me it's probably pushing it to ask for a date. If you are more than 20 years older than me......just move on.

8. Pick up lines can be a cute funny way to message someone. But remember that this girl doesn't know you at all, so if you pick the wrong on your hooped.
"Your fishing days are over" GOOD. I can message you back.
"If you stick your hand down my pants you will feel real nuts lol" BAD. I tell all my friends about the creepy thing you said, and you PoF days are numbered my friend.
oh and putting lol at the end doesn't make it any less creepy.
9. Maybe try to put a few unique hobbies you have on you profile. I have read these more than I ever want to:
"Hanging out"
these things tell me very little about you. Out doors? do you know how much that includes? Cars? do you like looking at them? Do you like hot wheels? I mean come on!

Well I think that's all for now. I know in three days I will have thought of about 70 more! So maybe online dating isn't ideal. But it's always a pick up to get a messages telling you you're a cutie!

Project 365

I realize I am not the first person to do this, but I recently downloaded an app called "Project 365". Basically this app is a calendar that I can organize pictures I take each day on. If you haven't checked them out, there on FB. BUT it turns out when you go out hunting for the perfect picture once a day you get a few more than just one good pictures. If you wanna see the pictures I select for my official picture of the day, go look at my FB page. But I will be posting all the extra pics on here! a blog exclusive you could say. 
It's been a little over a week since I started posting pictures daily. And I now realize this is some thing I hope to do for a long time. So enjoy theses bonuses, and go look at the best one's on Facebook!

Bryan says I have an addiction to taking close up picture of inanimate objects. He is right, but they just look so damn cool! I'll try to broaden my photography horizons! 


it has been raining and gray for about a week now. Usually I am down for a little rain and gloom, but when your spirits aren't very high a constant week of gloom get wary.
I'm ready for summer......bring on the SUN!!!!
Since the weather has gotten me down, I have taken to sarcasm to brighten my day. For a while there I thought I lost my groove, but turns out it just takes extreme stress to get your sarcasm back. That or talking to T, not sure which one maybe a combo of both. But hey did you know I'm funny? It kind of shocked me! I'm learning that making fun of my situation, it makes it a lot better. To bad new joking about Bryan's new GF (yeah I'm sure that relationship is going to work out very well) is kinda touchy. So I'll just do it here where he can't see!

Funny as I sit here typing the sun started shinning. Oh how I have miss you! Moral of this post. Laugh, and pray for sun. It apparently works! Oh no it's gone. Damn.

I actually wanted to talk about TLC in this post. You know TLC, the TV station of reality TV. It seems that just about everyone can have a TV show on TLC. Today me and Bryan are looking forward to watching a new episode of "One great big family". "One great big family" is a show that follows a normal everyday American family during their day to day lives. BUT they are over weight!.........Seriously? you can get a TV show for being fat? And not even like the struggled journey to lose the pounds. Just straight up "My family is over weight, deal with it." Not that I have anything against being over weight.....obviously. Just if they get a TV show I want one too. I promise you I can generate enough drama to draw in an audience.
There is also a show about midgets on TLC.  I find it strange that there are people out there who find watching small people shop for sinks entertaining enough to have more that one episode of.

Ok I'm done, and if I get lucky the sun will stay out!