Saturday, December 29, 2007

a cute love dialog

Girl: I'm always here for you
Boy: I know
Girl: What's wrong?
Boy: I like her so much
Girl: Talk to her
Boy: I don'tknow. She won't ever like me
Girl: Don't say that.You'reamazing.
Boy: I just want her to know how I feel.
Girl: Then tell her.
Boy: She won't like me
Girl: How do you know that?
Boy: I can just tell
Girl: Well just tell her.
Boy: What should I say
Girl: Tell her how much you like her
Boy: I tell her that daily
Girl: what do you mean?
Boy: I'm always with her. I love her.
Girl: I know how you feel. I have the same problem.But he'll never like me
Boy: Wait. Who do you like?
Girl: Oh some boy
Boy: Oh... she won't like me either.
Girl: She does
Boy: How do you know..
Girl: Because, who wouldn't like you?
Boy: You
Girl:You're wrong, I love you.
Boy: I love you too.
Girl:So are you going to talk to her?
Boy: I just did.

some old poetry

here are some poetry from about a year ago.....
its complicated
but you dont understand
how could you?
the hints dont work
the lies seem to
i thought you were smarter than that
i can spell it out for
will that help?
i can summarize it
will that help?
ok here it goes
i love you
i never said that
and met it
but im to afraid to tell you
i dont know how this happened
your amazing
your wonderful
so i guess in the end
its complicated......
its time
time to grow up
forget old fights
thank old friends
for making who i am
take my life into my hands
no more hope for some one else
trust me
stop trying to be something im not
be mean
be nice
be loved
be happy
no more drama
cuz it's time
to be the girl i know i am

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

the pirate in my crall space

About 3 weeks ago my room mate came home with this huge pirates of the Caribbean talking poster thing. it is as big as a decent big screen TV. and it is green and has the pirates skull on it. but it has 6 catch phrases. now some of you i know will read this and think it wicked! i want one! and under normal circumstances i would probably agree.
But this HUGE pirate sign was brought to our home by matea. if you read my earlier entries she truly pisses everyone off. and she has this insane habit of buying things and leaving them struin about our living room, because she has run out of room in her bed room for them.
so when this pirate graced us with its presents, we were all but impressed. of course she ran it to our house holding this huge thing as it spewed out catch phrases like " come sail the seven sea to world end this Christmas, with pirates of the Caribbean at worlds end!"
she was in hysterics she thought it was so funny, she had coned a guy in walmart to give it to her. of course i looked at her and asked "where exactly are you going to put that huge thing? cuz you sure ain't leaving it in our living room matea!" she responded with, "o i can put it in the crawl space until my mom come to visit and then she can take it home with her!"
so the pirate was shoved into our crawl space 3 weeks ago. most of you would think that isn't a problem. unfortunately the catch phrases are on a motion censer. which mean ever time you walk up the stairs, open the dryer, turn a light on, or hit the wall to hard it starts spewing out ugly pirate catch phrases. and worst of all it only seems to happen in the middle of the night, or when you are the only one home. so you freak out and automatically go into so fake karate stance to protect your self. and so for the past 3 weeks ever morning and every time i got up to go to the bathroom at nigh,t i had the living daylights scared out of me. and it was really starting to piss me off. at last Christmas came and the sign was suppose to have an exodus from our home. unfortunately it was left in the crawl space, as matea jetted off to her home for Christmas. This pissed me off even more. but i spent 2 days quietly putting up with it. then on christmas day i plotted a pirate-napping. were this sign got taken out of the crawl space run about 3 blocks down from our house, to flying fish park. where it would be chucked off the dock and into the middle of the frozen pond. so that A. she would never know where it was, and B. so that the dam pirate was out of my house.
lucky for matea i am a nice person. i did not go through with project pirate sails the fish pond.
so this morning i woke up and glanced at my room. realizing that i had no clean laundry in my room i figured i should at last give in and do it. so i sorted the colors, and the whites, and the darks. shoved them into a basket and headed to the hall. i turned on the lights opened and machine, put the laundry in. and suddenly it happened. IT TALKED! it scared the crap out of me i jumped a mile high. and i knew that it had to go at this very moment. with anger i ran to my room and grabbed my purple scissors. i marched to that crawl space and looked at the pirate. my hate was not for this pirate, it was for its owner, and all her inconsideration for her room mates. and then i saw it, the yellow wires that made that sucker talk. and without even heisting i cut the wires in half and stomped outta that crawl space. VICTORY IS MINE!!! and so ends the life of the pirate in our crawl space.

Monday, December 24, 2007

christmas eve

There has always been a few things about Christmas i just couldn't block out. one is Christmas music. i love it. Alvin and the chipmunks Christmas songs have always been my favorite. when i was 8 years old my mother took me and my younger brother away from our home in the northwest territories, at Christmas time, and to Calgary. The whole way we listened to the chipmunks Christmas tape. it is a childhood memory of mine. I also love the old Christmas songs by Elvis and Bing Crosby, dean martin, and frank Sinatra.
I also have a weakness for lights. I have always loved lights. i have another childhood memory of lights. my uncle took me downtown Calgary one year. i can't remember why. i think it was because i had never seen the lights down town. anyways he drove me around so could look at all the lights it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen.
another is a Christmas tree. a Christmas tree is just about the best thing about Christmas. not because you get to put presents under it, no. because i loved pulling all of our decorations out, remembering the last Christmas. Having my little brother and mom around me. those where the days.
another great memory is watching the Christmas specials with my little brother every year. you know, Rudolph, frosty the snow man. we would pull out all the old tapes that we had Christmas shows recorded on and just watch them. the Doug Christmas movie, its a wonderful life. all of them.
I honestly have noting bad to say about Christmas eve. for me Christmas eve was full of love from my family, and excitement for the next day. i got to see family and laugh. so as negative as my last post was. Christmas eve , is excluded from being pointless. Christmas eve for my family at least was always about Christ. one year i deiced to make my baby boy cabbage patch doll in to baby Jesus (even tough he was black) and i layed him in a little doll crib under the tree. i then decided that Jesus needed a sister so i put my baby cabbage patch girl under the tree with him. i remember the Christmas story being read each year, or a story about a Christmas miracle. and thats why i love Christmas eve. all the memories it holds for me.
well blogers merry Christmas to all..... i hope you can experience the really miracles of Christmas's this year.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

tis the season

it is the night before Christmas eve. Christmas eve eve. its been a while since my last post. work has drain all my extra time. all my time in general. its become this huge burden, work has. its a boring pointless waste of time. all it is, is a pay off.
new subject.
Christmas, i am not looking forward to it. in fact I'm trying to block it out. i hate Christmas. i always have. its so commercial. its called Christ-mas and yet Christ has nothing to do with it these days. and so i am not having Christmas. i lied. at first i was going home. but the closer it got the less i wanted to go. really the only reason i wanted to go was Blake. but it wasn't incentive enough. well it was. just the feelings I'd have to deal with afterwards weren't. and so i lied to everyone. i told Mama Fox i had to work on Christmas day. LIE! we're closed Christmas day. then i told Blake i had to work.LIE! it wasn't that it was the feeling of wanting him to hold me so bad i could cry. but having to just be his best friend. Then Linda called and i told her i had to work. LIE! she saw right through it. and so i lied. to stay here and forget Christmas and all that it now represents.
besides the Christmas season and the tortoise amounts of shifts I've been working. i have started reading a wrinkle in time. this is by far my favorite book. its my second time reading it. it is so interesting and it makes me think. its so creative. i love it. i love to read but only when the book strikes me. i hate books that are just the same old crap.
anyway it short today
I'm just going to leave you with one last thought. don't let Christmas blind you. its not only once a year we should show our fellow man peace and compassion. but everyday we live. the spirit of Christmas is the ideal world. and if we all try that much harder, we will have a peaceful earth. don't let Christmas change you, just change you. Christmas is just a day. that's all. that's it.
sorry this was a rather negative one.

Monday, December 17, 2007

blackbird headaches

i hate when my life is stalled. right now my life is stalled. I'm waiting for school to start. and that's all. instead of making the most of what is happening right now. i wait for what happens later.
This is what i want to happen later.
- i want school to be amazing fun. i want to love every topic, i want to think and show who i really am inside.
- i want to make friends. i hate that i have not made any friends really since I've been here. i want to meet people that intrigue me. that i can have discussion's with. people that i just click with, with out having them know my whole life.
- i want to meet some one special. some one to send me flowers during exams wishing me luck. someone to study with. some one to hold me. to talk to, to be my best friend and more.
-i want to find myself. to learn new things about me. to find the passions in me.
- i want to find my career.
- and most of all i want to have fun. so much fun its scary.

current song of the moment: Black Bird -The Beatles

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Sunday, December 16, 2007

a romance

I am very tired of being alone. its a very horrible feeling being alone is. Unfortunately for me i have been alone most of my life. i have only ever had one boyfriend. and i still felt alone with him. due to the fact that he stood me up more often then not. then i had an almost relationship. with a guy im still not a hundred percent over. Funny how some one can treat you like crap and yet you still want to be with them. anyways, when i was with im i never felt alone. until he left and went home. then i felt twice as alone as before. and the worse part was that i had finally had a taste of some one who just wanted to love me for me. and hold me, kiss me and his hand just fit. unfortunately he didnt quite love me with his whole heart.
to tell you the truth i am just tired of being alone. i want someone to hold me. to love me. but who doesnt.
I do how ever have a very complicated relationship. its not a relationship at all. its just extreme flirting over MSN or text. i've only spoken to him once and never seen him face to face. and i met him from a friend. she knew him in ontario were he is now. and i met him over text.
He is the most fun guy to flirt with. and he just makes you feel loved. to bad he's in ontario....well not to bad. not to bad cuz he's a nice guy, just a little to excited about the fact that he has a penis. and that i dont. unfortunately for him i dont want any part of is penis, or any other guys for that fact. i just want romance, and fun, a hug a kiss, and a hand that fits mine. and then maybe one day when i get married i'll want more. but as much as i have tryed to explain this, he still thinks he should drive to Alberta and lye with me (in a biblical sense).
I dont want to turn this into one of those woe is me blogs. and i do not want any of you lonely men in cyber space to be a knight in shinning armor. i guess i just dont know what to do anymore. it seems like for me most things i just end up stumbling upon.... but love, it's always been difficult.
i personally dont think im horrible looking (i have seen worse) and i also am super awesome. so i dont really think its me. i really think its more that the right guy hasn't stumbled along. and i know he will i just really wish it would be sooner than later.
number 2 of my problem is that i fall way to hard. the first time tom, thats the guy from Ontario, flirted with me i was thinking boyfriend. not get to know ya frist. no boyfriend. which wouldn't bother him a bit. but i truly think that there may be something truly a muck with me. and when i meet a guy that is so awesome. the first thing i think about is how good a husband he could be.
the only reason i dumped "boyfriend" was that after 2 weeks i didnt see a potential for our relationship to go anywhere. so i ended it. so i am most definitely a Heavy faller, for lack of better words.
and yet i still get through. its not the end of the world being alone. its just not fun. i guess this blog tonight is basically to tell the universe, or for me god. that i am totally ready to not be alone. and to give me a chance to have a really relationship!
the worse part of this is that i sound really desperate. i'm not. its easyer to be alone when you have family that loves you around. i however dont have any close to me. im not complaining i made my bed. but i am however trying to say that being alone is more than just love. i am alone. yes i have family 3 hours away. but its not the same. and i guess i feel a guy would fill that void. even though i shouldn't, because chances are it wont.
anyways blogs thats the tales from the hippy with a lonely heart tonight.
thanks for a listening ear.

Friday, December 14, 2007

a list

this is a list of thing that i feel should be a lot more satisfying than they are.

1. any kind of chocolate that you get on sale. its such an amazing thing to get cheap chocolate especially if you are a choco-holic like me. so a couple of days ago, i went into liquidation world, and bought 'Hershey hugs' for so cheep. and i was truly existed about it. until i busted them open, and bit into one, and it crumbled in my mouth. that was so sad. of course i kept eating them. but its the principle. its such a let down.

2. arguing. i personally really like to argue. me and my close friends fake argue all the time. and end up laughing about it right after we say it. but really arguing ,i feel should be more satisfying. i expect to have them laughing by the end. but unfortunately most people take me to seriously. and get hurt instead of laughing it off. i just want to shake these people. and yell at them, my life is way to complicated to be really mad! get over it!

3. dying my hair. for you dying your hair virgins, dying your hair is fun! i dye my hair when i feel its time for a change. and instead of doing something drastic, like moving to china. i dye my hair. of course it doesn't make you feel different. and that's the problem i do it for a change and the feeling last about 30 minutes and then its normal again!

4. taking pictures. i am very bad at it. but i love to do it. so back in the day, when we had to develop film (wow i know i must be old!) all of my pictures came out recked. now in the age of digital cameras i still have little luck. it may be because i have a crappy camera. but needless to say i am so excited to see the picture,s and blah there wrecked.

5. getting payed. this is just about the most exciting thing that happens every 2 weeks. but it is also the biggest let down. imagine with me will you. i've been broke for a week now, and i have a mile list of things i want. i get my pay check and it is way less then i expect, due to Union. so i am already let down a bit. So i march over to the bank to pay my bills. and when that's all over i ask the teller, "how much do i have left in my account?" and she so sweetly reply's "$11.78". great thats like how much it will cost me to see the movie i've been dying to see, and thats it!

6. southern alberta dances. i think that these are about the most horrible things on the face of the earth. but every time you go to one you think, this is going to be so fun. and then you barley dance, the music sucks, and the boys are lame. these are a big let down.

now that the fun is done i must tell you. i hate that cody takes everything far to serious. today we were chatting and i said something and he took it wrong and logged off. first off that really pisses me off. i hate that cuz i feel that i should be able to defend myself. of course we are now in the age old fight of "picking friends". basically cody has 2 sets of friends and they dont hang out with each other. theres laura, me, will, kristy. the ones that liked him before he excepted the church. and james, johnny, andrea. the ones that only took interest in him at the end of grade 12. im not being prejudice. i just feel that cody likes james more than us. and he doesnt see it that way. either way i got over this along time ago. but he still thinks i care but i dont. but he's stupid. that is just the end of it. i refuse to talk about it when he comes home. im just not going to do it.
any ways blogers thats it for today. im off to a Christmas party. im hoping something good happens there. but i doubt it!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

sisters basket

so today i got payed! woot woot! and i had a little extra, to spend on me! so i bought art supplies. paint and canvis and stuff. i needed it, or i'll never get my porfolio done. anyways i still have 3 christmas presants to get. Becca, lizzy ,and mama fox. so i found this huge art set for like 7 bucks. becca down. mom well mom i never know what to get her. but then i had this idea for Lizzy.
Im making her a 'sisters love' basket. I have to exsplain. after me and stephy left this summer, it left liz and becca. becca being 10 is not a very good confidant. so lizzy as been down a shoulder to cry on.
so for her Christmas present i am making her a 'sisters love' basket.
This basket consists of this:
one CD full of music her sisters love and is super happy.
chocolate hugs
Chipets (its a me and steph thing)
a small portable bottle of advil
gum/ candy
a journal
a phone card
pen and pencil
love poetry
and notes from your sisters
all the things in the basket are for ruff times she has to go through with out us. Im pretty stoked about this basket. i hope she loves it. cuz i love her and want her to know it.
any ways in other events i painted today its not a great picture. its defiantly different then anything else i painted. but i want to put my emotions and ideas on canvas, and sometimes that takes the form of an abstract color mess. its not bad i kinda like it. i hope i can keep going and not get painters block though.
so today was really warm and i drove to elizabeth's work with her. it was the greatest i swear. it was like the old people came out of hiding. they were all pushing their walkers down the streets full of groceries and stuff. it took us forever to park, because there was all these old people rolling along in front of us.
I personally dont like old people. that sounds so bad. but i have had some bad run In's with them. plus they always have just creeped me out. maybe its just there touchiness....and tat old people smell. i find it totally creepy when old people kiss. my friends all think its so cute but i find it really gross. i only ever met an old man that didnt creep me out. he sat by me on the bus and he smelt like pumpkin pie. i guess it is that old smell that really gets me! im not talking like 60 year old either..... like 77-100 they are creepy. this is why i must die young. i cant just creep myself out.
anyways blogers thats it for today. keep tuned cuz Christmas is coming up. and you know what that means. a pone call from david!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

another day

wow what a day.
events of the day...
davids at last emails me.....the first contact in i dont know like ever! but at least i have discovered why it bugs me so much he never writes me. i have discovered that i truly like david. And for me this is how sending your boyfriend on a mission would feel. cuz i have always liked him. hate to break it to all of those who thought i thought of him as a brother but i never did. and so this is the reason i am so hurt he never writes. but lets not pretend that everyone couldn't guess that.
the Reunion..... i just found 2 of my best friends from wen i lived in the northwest territories. eden and katie. its so tell you the truth i never forgot eden i still think about our dress up days and playing house together sometimes. but i had completely forgot about katie. all but when i left she gave me a polar bear puppet. its so weird i see so much of me in the little i know about them now. eden, i totally called how she was going to be when we where younger. but katie i didnt see that. im not going to lie i am a bit jealous of how awesome katie traveled in her life. i have always wanted to travel but never had the money. all i've see in every part of Alberta. either way i was over joyous to hear from them.
the wedding week....
ok so lindas wedding was amazing. she and james are perfect for each other. but the wedding weekend was just great for me. i got to be with stephy and alex, star, lizzy,mom, i saw blake, and cody. i laughed my face off at Kristien. it made me forget everything about home. and now slowly im getting over the issues i had. the wedding was good for me. really really good for me.
still not over him....
unfortunately i found out i am still not over blake woot! not. i wish i could get over him i dont even know what it is about him. oh well one day. plus i refuse to go there again. my heart has been smashed up by him enough. i think its another boys turn.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

the finally

ok so finally its my last day of being a single mom! i still have tonight but i can handle it i did how many so far. summary of this weeks events.
at first i wanted to smack my self in the face for saying yes to this again. it wasn't as bad as the summer but i was just not up for it. me and the kids had fun on Sunday night and i even got sleep!
the next day was bad. mostly because i was sick and felt like crap all day long. and i always feel bad just letting them watch TV. ya know. but then im sure tiff doesn't play with them every second of the day, and im sure shes sick sometimes to. anyways we laughed and talked over spaghetti Monday night. and the kids all got to bed kinda late.
Tuesday was a little better. i played a bit with the kids. but im not big on playing i dont know its hard to play with kids sometimes. they are so funny, if you try to be creative and say, "hey this horse is flying!" they go "horses dont fly!" but the next second they'll explain to you how they rode the alligator all the way down the stream. and this is why i dont play to often. its fun when i do. another reason i dont really play is that i am not in a mom mind set. i am still concerned about whats going on in my life and thinking about my stuff. moms dont do that as much cuz their kids are "their stuff". we had wings for supper. this is when the older kids warmed up a bit. they joked and wanted to know about this and that. it was nice. then i developed a head ache from....well a bad one. and the fun and games had to stop but J once again did not sleep.
today is the best. me O and J have played all day long. we ate and laughed and played. and i hope the rest of the night will be fun to.
i think its better this time because im not so serious about it. last time i thought one mess up and tiff will hate me. and i was already scared of her as it was. but now i have gotten over being scared of tiff. i know she wont care as long as her kids are safe, feed, and not crying for help, i think she'll be fine.
Things i have decided the world could be better without (based on this weeks events)
1. dora the explorer....she is the creepiest cartoon ever. i swear that her and her little monkey friend boots, found their older siblings stash of crack. there eyes are just huge and then once and a while they'll say something and the stop and just stare at the screen. its so creepy. and the fact that she has an American acsent until she says a random Spanish word really pisses me off. and as if that dang map doesn't scare the pants off of every child. it scared me when it just came flying out of the screen!
2. any grown person that dresses like a freakin idiot and dances around national TV for money is just low and annoying. ( to list a few the doodle bops, those girls on treehouse) WHY why do they think it is entertaining? i dont even think kids like it i think they just stare at the screen in horror!
3. snap up PJ's for baby's. ok come on. baby's eat cry poop and laugh and then poop and poop and poop. why in the world would you buy or make PJ's that take about 15 minutes to put on and take off. dont you just wanna be able to get to the diaper fast and put the pants on fast before the kid starts crying?
4. telemarketers. stop calling my house. i am taking care of a baby and a three year old the flight of stair is far and the portables are dead. every time you call i have to run to the phone. all the while listening to the baby scream cuz i left it. be a desent person. STOP CALLING ME!
those are four of the main ones.
but truly i really did like this get away. it made me stop thinking about all of the crap that happens to me in real liffe. matea, work, boys, just everything its been a nice breather. and with Linda's wedding to round out the weekend, and getting to be with steph and alex, and getting to see cody. it will make all of the stress just go away and i will function again.
so heres a tip if ever you feel like you just need to escape. babysit. and then spend a good day at least, with someone you love. well bloggers thats it for my week as a mom. but you can read on for what happens to me and how the hippy @ heart takes it all.
P.S. family wedding this weekend that could be entertaining!

Saturday, December 1, 2007

mom for a day

ok so i have once again agreed to babysit my 4 second cousins for my cousin tiff. these kids are great. i mean there so fun. and yes the whaling and constant arguing can get on my nerves, but so do my room mates. the only difference is that my room mates bug me more ( at this moment). so events for today:
the re-uniting...
so i baby sat them all in the summer for a week, but i don't think the younger ones remember me. especially J. so S waved and said hi, T did the same, both of the remember me. but O says "i don't remember what you are?". of course my reunion with J was rather good. T brought him out from his nap ( bonus for me, a person he cant remember waking him up would have freaked him out....not that my aunt cared as she rushed out the door today.) and he sat and stared at me as i cook pancakes for the kids.
they wanted pancakes. and any normal person would say "hey pancakes, i can do that" but me oh no. i can cook don't get me wrong im actually a good cook. but pancakes are my down fall. the last time i made pancakes the whole house got sick! but i reluctantly with the help of T, made pancakes...SURPRISE! they turned out A O K.... so i now can add perfect golden brown pancakes to my list of thing i can cook. But then T turns on music and O and S are just... well for lack of better terms...cutting a rug. we're laughing and cooking and just having fun. which is a change cuz i believe the last time i was here no one had fun not even me.
After dinner escapades....
so as mouths were fed, and home work done, we had to find a way to fill 3 hours. TV of course is always part of it. but so was hide and go seek. J being so small remained in his high chair as we played. I finally felt he had had enough time to get to know me and hid by his chair. this is when a miracle happened. he was ok with me! we played and laughed and i was yelled at by O "stay down i want to find you!" after hide and go seek we watch the Americas pass time TV.
Bed time.... (dum dum dum!)
as the dreaded bed time rolled near J became very angry with me. due to a few things.
first he was tired beyond compare and that i was not his mother. i had one out of 4 in bed and 1 almost down when the screaming began. like the sound of running someone over...J screamed and screamed. at last he woke up S and T came to my rescue! the 2 calmed him. so S went back to bed T headed there too. and O fell asleep during the commotion (in true o style.)
Then there were 2....
as the minutes turned to hours, J refused to sleep. but finally at last he layed his head on the couch ( with defeat... well not really but it felt like a victory) and i carried him to bed. and so ends my day of being a mom.
well almost i will shower because i may not get time tomorrow. and then up to get them to school on time (7:30... i cant remember the last time i was up that early). But no amount of screaming and crying can scare me away. i know that it will be close to this, but not the same when i have kids. because first im their mother kids are always less screamy with their moms than a babysitter. and second my husband will be there to help me. well bloggers i guess that's all for tonight but stay posted cuz i still have 3 more days of this, im sure it will get interesting.

Friday, November 30, 2007

time to mindlessly ramble

ok so i have 4 room mates (all girls). It seems that for the first month we were all fine. you know that "oh my gosh i am so happy i moved out from my parents house!" phase yeah i think all but me were in that. so not 2 months rolled around and BOOM! i hated my bestfriend of 2 years laura. it seems living together, despite how much you were together in high school, is a whole nother ball park. so after a while she stopped pissing me off. first i had to except the fact that i wasn't her mom and even though i control most things, i couldn't control her. then i was fine.

So a little more time passes and BOOM! like a bat outa hell elizabeth my friend since grade 5 turns her anger to me. but we are very simalar, we dont put up with crap we scream at eachother tell eachother our problems and get over of course after much talk and planning her departure from my house ( done by me sceaming and telling on her) with my mom, i got over it.

and about a week has passed and BOOM! matea. its hard to summerize matea. she is the worlds biggest two faced friend. which could have been the reason i avoided her all my years in high school... and yes that sounds mean but this is my blog so there:p anyway so matea. she is constantly saying "If anyone touches...eats...looks....thinks about my stuff i swear i'll freak!" o really tea well maybe you should not leave all your crap laying about for me to clean. if you want it for you keep it in your room! our living room is not your 2nd room! and i swear if i hear one more of her text message convos with some loser she met i will go to the door and slam my hand in it....that would at least take the pain of listening to her away. the funny thing is 3 weeks ago we were moving into a basement sweet together next semester. now i would rather be ramped by the bus then live with her!

2. i have gone on a cleaning strike. if anyone knows how messy girls are it will be easy for you to imagine my house. 5 girls, 4 bed rooms 1 kitchen 1 bathroom 2 over the normal messyness girls that refuse to clean. one girl that works all day long and one that is a biology major and me. guess who cleans? i wonder how messy this house will get? oh and the dish days will end after the calendar runs out.....i refuse to do them any longer. i went downtown to return library books and buy a bus pass. for some reason people kept saying hi to me. i would look up ( from watching were i stepped due to ice) and they would smile and say hello. its wierd to think that people care about other people. in this muffed up world.

4.i took my new friend Anika to enrichment with me tonight. thinking great it will be fun and maybe she'll think 'hey these mormons are cool' instead it was overly churchy which i dont know liking my religon and all. but i felt bad to like through her in head first.

5. i have this little problem. im pretty much head over heals for this guy lets call him NP. but i have this like excuses it goes like this "my life is so hecktic right now there is no way i could handle a relationship." lame i know but im trying to convince my self of this. the thing is that NP he is the greatest guy but not the one for me. and thats for real not a cop out. i love is personality and he is so spiritual and not to bad on the eyes. but when i look at him i go "aw he is so awesome" not "ah i want to be with him" i want a guy to sweap me off my feet . but its all in his hands. this is one thing i wish was in my hands though. until then i will live in my dream world with noah in liverpool. that is the only place that i control completely and is always the way i want this to go. if you havent guessed by now im slightly a control freak. its on and off.

6. today me and laura were on the bus and there where these 2 guy that live next door to us on the bus to and the whole time i kept looking at the back of their heads and seeing Kris. i wish i could have him in my life still. kris was the first cody. there the only 2 men in my life ( or were in my life in kris's case) that i would do anything for. and because of this strange feeling i never knew if i loved them or just cared for them. in most cases i just care for them but we all know that if kris said "cathy i love you" i would have gone running. but with cody im not so sure i think of him like that. any ways kris if you ever read this, this is a special message just for you. you are like my big brother. i hope your life is perfect because you desirve that and more.

the real truth not a lie in sight

most of my life i've lived on pure ideas. i think and then i do. this is a good and bad quality. i think things through, or part way at least, once maybe twice and then do them.

i had the thought when my mom got married, that i could live on my own at 16. the good thing is that it was the best thing i ever did. the bad thing is that it hurt my mom, the person i love the most. i wish i could say that i am sorry, but i cant because being on my own at 16 is the only reason i can survive at 18. am sorry i hurt you mom.

i had the thought that i could not be like my mom in relationships. I decided that the only way to change this would to be to have a boyfriend in high school. i was wrong. my first real relationship wasn't for love or even lust. it was for the plain and simply for the right to say i had a boyfriend in high school. this boy wasn't horrible, but is not a happy memory. but my second wasn't really a relationship but almost. even though we never officially we together (its complicated)#2 taught me the most. I finally let my self grow up. and i loved #2, unfortunately for me he didn't love me. this was another good thing i did..... because with one thought it grew up. just one simple thought. i love him.

I had the thought that i would move to Surrey BC. i had this thought 3 months before i graduated high school. and at that time i was ready for BC it was the place for me to go 3 months before i graduated. unfortunately i needed to graduate first. So i graduated, and i pack up, and saved up, and moved. first to Washington, it was suppose to just be for a few days on the way to BC. but days turned to weeks and i had a new thought. BC was not the place for me. home was. and home for me will always be Alberta. Southern Alberta. and so i acted on this thought and moved here to Lethbridge. this was a good thought and i haven't regreated it.

I had the thought i have to get away for my room mates! i need to leave. but i just cant because of my lease. not leave the city no, because i had this amazingly confusing experience. the first time i thought, and re-thought and prayed, and fasted about something. and when i got my answer to this i new no thought could change the fact that i need to go to the Lethbridge college.

and now i have a thought. i want to move to Liverpool. in 2010. i want to get some of my schooling but i want my adventures. i have always wanted to see the world. discover the places that i've never been. and so sitting on the bus coming home from work, i had this thought. and it maybe just like my BC thought. but who knows what my life holds for me. 2 years is allot of time. Look what has happened to me in the last 2 years. i grew up. 99% of me wants to go to Liverpool for the adventure. but 1% wants to prove to everyone i can. i have a reputation. i say i'll do things and then not do them. usually this is because i have to wait to do what i said. if i could have done it right then it would have happened. its not that i stop wanting it, i still would love to move to BC. its more that its just not the time.

i am a impulsive person i usually act on a thought. instead of thinking about that thought for far to long. it is very much part of who i am. i hope that if you ever have the chance you'll live like me too. on impulse. it is a thrill. the thrill is to not worry. because if you screw up there is nothing you cant fix. i promise you. so don't be so scare. do.