a romance

I am very tired of being alone. its a very horrible feeling being alone is. Unfortunately for me i have been alone most of my life. i have only ever had one boyfriend. and i still felt alone with him. due to the fact that he stood me up more often then not. then i had an almost relationship. with a guy im still not a hundred percent over. Funny how some one can treat you like crap and yet you still want to be with them. anyways, when i was with im i never felt alone. until he left and went home. then i felt twice as alone as before. and the worse part was that i had finally had a taste of some one who just wanted to love me for me. and hold me, kiss me and his hand just fit. unfortunately he didnt quite love me with his whole heart.
to tell you the truth i am just tired of being alone. i want someone to hold me. to love me. but who doesnt.
I do how ever have a very complicated relationship. its not a relationship at all. its just extreme flirting over MSN or text. i've only spoken to him once and never seen him face to face. and i met him from a friend. she knew him in ontario were he is now. and i met him over text.
He is the most fun guy to flirt with. and he just makes you feel loved. to bad he's in ontario....well not to bad. not to bad cuz he's a nice guy, just a little to excited about the fact that he has a penis. and that i dont. unfortunately for him i dont want any part of is penis, or any other guys for that fact. i just want romance, and fun, a hug a kiss, and a hand that fits mine. and then maybe one day when i get married i'll want more. but as much as i have tryed to explain this, he still thinks he should drive to Alberta and lye with me (in a biblical sense).
I dont want to turn this into one of those woe is me blogs. and i do not want any of you lonely men in cyber space to be a knight in shinning armor. i guess i just dont know what to do anymore. it seems like for me most things i just end up stumbling upon.... but love, it's always been difficult.
i personally dont think im horrible looking (i have seen worse) and i also am super awesome. so i dont really think its me. i really think its more that the right guy hasn't stumbled along. and i know he will i just really wish it would be sooner than later.
number 2 of my problem is that i fall way to hard. the first time tom, thats the guy from Ontario, flirted with me i was thinking boyfriend. not get to know ya frist. no boyfriend. which wouldn't bother him a bit. but i truly think that there may be something truly a muck with me. and when i meet a guy that is so awesome. the first thing i think about is how good a husband he could be.
the only reason i dumped "boyfriend" was that after 2 weeks i didnt see a potential for our relationship to go anywhere. so i ended it. so i am most definitely a Heavy faller, for lack of better words.
and yet i still get through. its not the end of the world being alone. its just not fun. i guess this blog tonight is basically to tell the universe, or for me god. that i am totally ready to not be alone. and to give me a chance to have a really relationship!
the worse part of this is that i sound really desperate. i'm not. its easyer to be alone when you have family that loves you around. i however dont have any close to me. im not complaining i made my bed. but i am however trying to say that being alone is more than just love. i am alone. yes i have family 3 hours away. but its not the same. and i guess i feel a guy would fill that void. even though i shouldn't, because chances are it wont.
anyways blogs thats the tales from the hippy with a lonely heart tonight.
thanks for a listening ear.