Friday, November 30, 2007

the real truth not a lie in sight

most of my life i've lived on pure ideas. i think and then i do. this is a good and bad quality. i think things through, or part way at least, once maybe twice and then do them.

i had the thought when my mom got married, that i could live on my own at 16. the good thing is that it was the best thing i ever did. the bad thing is that it hurt my mom, the person i love the most. i wish i could say that i am sorry, but i cant because being on my own at 16 is the only reason i can survive at 18. am sorry i hurt you mom.

i had the thought that i could not be like my mom in relationships. I decided that the only way to change this would to be to have a boyfriend in high school. i was wrong. my first real relationship wasn't for love or even lust. it was for the plain and simply for the right to say i had a boyfriend in high school. this boy wasn't horrible, but is not a happy memory. but my second wasn't really a relationship but almost. even though we never officially we together (its complicated)#2 taught me the most. I finally let my self grow up. and i loved #2, unfortunately for me he didn't love me. this was another good thing i did..... because with one thought it grew up. just one simple thought. i love him.

I had the thought that i would move to Surrey BC. i had this thought 3 months before i graduated high school. and at that time i was ready for BC it was the place for me to go 3 months before i graduated. unfortunately i needed to graduate first. So i graduated, and i pack up, and saved up, and moved. first to Washington, it was suppose to just be for a few days on the way to BC. but days turned to weeks and i had a new thought. BC was not the place for me. home was. and home for me will always be Alberta. Southern Alberta. and so i acted on this thought and moved here to Lethbridge. this was a good thought and i haven't regreated it.

I had the thought i have to get away for my room mates! i need to leave. but i just cant because of my lease. not leave the city no, because i had this amazingly confusing experience. the first time i thought, and re-thought and prayed, and fasted about something. and when i got my answer to this i new no thought could change the fact that i need to go to the Lethbridge college.

and now i have a thought. i want to move to Liverpool. in 2010. i want to get some of my schooling but i want my adventures. i have always wanted to see the world. discover the places that i've never been. and so sitting on the bus coming home from work, i had this thought. and it maybe just like my BC thought. but who knows what my life holds for me. 2 years is allot of time. Look what has happened to me in the last 2 years. i grew up. 99% of me wants to go to Liverpool for the adventure. but 1% wants to prove to everyone i can. i have a reputation. i say i'll do things and then not do them. usually this is because i have to wait to do what i said. if i could have done it right then it would have happened. its not that i stop wanting it, i still would love to move to BC. its more that its just not the time.

i am a impulsive person i usually act on a thought. instead of thinking about that thought for far to long. it is very much part of who i am. i hope that if you ever have the chance you'll live like me too. on impulse. it is a thrill. the thrill is to not worry. because if you screw up there is nothing you cant fix. i promise you. so don't be so scare. do.

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