I need to start off by saying thank you.
Thank you to T, for harbouring me in her house for the last month, for feeding and encouraging me. For laughing and showing me what being in a family is like.
Thanks to BG, who has made me feel like his best friend since I got here. For pushing me to do what he thinks is right (turns out it is usually right). For staying up to late to help me out this weekend, and for dragging me to every church activity he could shove in 3 days. For driving me around the big city to look at listings for apartments, while listening to me the whole time (well minus the moments he was making up retarded songs.)
Thanks to Aunt J and Uncle J....first to Uncle J for being my adviser, for trying to get me to think as logically as possible, and for always having a smile on your face. But mostly for caring about me like one of your own even though I'm not. And to Aunt J thank you for loving me and welcoming me in your home. No questions asked, no judgement. Thank you for understanding what I'm trying to do and for helping as much as you can.
Thank you for being the strength in my life all of you.
Ok so I have been searching, pondering, planning and failing for the last month. But not until this weekend did it seem I was ready for what I want. BG told me once that after each traumatic time in our lives right before we are about to embark on something life changing there is a lag time.
Oh the knowledge that come out of that mans mouth. A month of lag time, a long hard month of lag time. A whole month of me thinking I could do it and getting so frustrated when I couldn't.
Note to Self: stop pushing the lords time to blend with my time. it's stressful and not worth the hassle.
So I at last turned to the lord this weekend. I kind of ran out of places to turn. I turned to T and Uncle J and Aunt J, I turned to friends and distant family, no one seemed to be able to help despite all of their efforts. I was mixed up, there were just to many options, to many things I was scared to miss out on. I felt like a wall had permanently been built in front of me. BG gave me a blessing, this helped. Didn't solve my problem, but I wasn't expecting it to, It took that confusion away so I could figure out how to bulldozes that wall down though.
Note to Self: stop using the lord as a last resort, will save many tears and frustrations.
Since that night I have been a clear minded individual. Idea's that I never expected to think have been running through my head. The courage that I felt was lost forever has seemed to come back. I have made friends! real friends! I feel like the person I have been struggling to be for a month now.
Note to Self: you can do anything see. stop questioning your abilities and just trust in the lord. Now get out there and do them!