Wednesday, November 12, 2008


don't waste your emotion on me he said, i don't care about your pain. I finally see, that even when i spent all this time convincing myself that you do care about me you don't. Why did I waste 2 years of my life wishing you would love me. Why did i not just love myself?
How could he think this emotion was wasted? When it wasn't my emotion that was wasted it was my life. What I felt for you it wasn't emotion. It was my everything. it was how I made it through, when my life was worth less than nothing.
And how could you let me do that? why didn't you walk away and stay away!? because your self fish, because you can't live with out me. but not because you love me, because I give my everything to you. I carry you. that's why you came back not because you love me, because I make your life that much easier.
I had to leave the place I love, the people I love because of you! do you know that? Not because Laura and Will were sleeping together. Because I loved you so hard that I was recking my own life. And you let me. You held me in your arms when i cried and then you let me think you loved me. You held my hand your played with my hair, you told Laura you would find a way to bring me back. Not because you love me, but because you need me.
Do you know that I have to mentally not let my self touch you. I have to convince myself days in advance that I wont hold you to long when we hug, that I wont put my head on your shoulder at the movies, that I wont let my hand fall into your when we walk. Days, of thinking how much harder it will be if I let those things happen to watch you go.
But for you those things are easy. They just happen because you like feeling my love for you, you feed off the fact that someone is crazy about you. It makes you a bigger man if a girl is in love with you. You don't care that I spend months after wards praying that I wont let you hurt me like that again.
You really thought your warnings meant something didn't you. Really thought that after that night that I lied in your arms for hours and hours that I wouldn't be impacted, just because you once said you didn't love me. Actions speak louder than words.
I can't believe that even after I moved miles away I find my self remembering you. thinking about how it felt to be held like that, thinking about every word said that night, every laugh every tear. thinking about the promises you made.
How could you be so self fish?
I thought once that how I felt for you was never a waste, even if you never felt that way to. I felt love was never a waste. but I was so wrong. every moment of sleep every tear drop that ran down my face, every minute of worry. It was all a waste. because here I sit talking to you about "her". And even know i think that the reason you feel different about "her" is me. I let you tell me how much you love her, I let you tell me how you feel like nothing with out her. and you have the nerve to say I could never understand? how dare you. I gave you my life, that's more than you ever gave "her".
But that's OK because at this moment I take it all back.Every tear, every moment I wanted you to just hold me, all of it. I'm done loving you Cody. I can't do it anymore. I can't waste this life God gave me. I have so much a head of me, It scares me to look at what I can be. That's why I hid behind my love for you.
I'm quiting you cold turkey. Your never going to be my perfect brand of heroin. You are no longer my Edward. I am letting you go Cody. Because I refuse to be like you. I have better things to do.
A life with no love would be better than what you can give me Cody. because I am tired of taking what I can get, I'm tired of settling for less than I deserve.
It wont be easy, it will be painful. But I am worth more than what you give me. good bye forever. from now on you end with friend. I can be strong with out you, I can be brave with out you. I am Safe with out you, but most importantly I am loved, really loved with out you.
Don't waste your emotions on me he said, OK for once I agree with you.

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