Friday, March 27, 2009

How to survive 101

It's been a long time since I posted last....well there was a lack of sleep induced 14 year old who wrote something about a guy liking her. I erased that one. so much for being 20.

It's been a while since anyone has really posted, I guess now is the time for most people to deal with it.

Today I finished at work. It was a normal feeling, there was a moment where I was having like a small panic attack, the thought "oh my gosh, I am not going to have a job in an hour and half" was whizzing through my head. I am glad I got the job at LaSenza. I met some amazing people, that I had some amazing laughs with. That's some thing I learned in the past 6 months, how to laugh again. It's sad but before I came to the big city I can't even remember the last time I truly laughed.

Remember: Laugh deeply, all the way to my core, all day long.

I bought a new dress yesterday........not the best idea when your trying to save to move. But I was in love, and if there's one thing my momma taught me, it's when you fall in love with a piece of fashion, you buy it or regret it. After paying for it, I realized I haven't been to church for 3 weeks, I could make excuses but I just don't feel like trying to justify it. My life is hard, sometimes the Gospel is what takes the hit. I always realize that I need it to survive, but once again, I wanted to try and deal alone.

Remember: Stop trying to do this alone, just go! You always feel better when you go.

I got a facebook message form Lauraj today, apparently her and Wilbur are thinking about taking a break......well more like Wilbur is thinking of taking a break. I immediately jumped to my "Defend and protect" stance. I offered to pay for her greyhound ticket to the big city, and I actually told her I thought she was making a mistake by going back to Ontario. I felt I could fix this. 5 minutes later I immediately regretted everything I said.......lucky she declinded the greyhound ticket (SO can't afford that). See I use to get this high from fixing every ones lives, but now I can't stand it. All that ends up happening is that I get hurt, there's a fine line between supportive and controlling, I cross it often. I am getting better.

Remember: You can only control you. Let them live and you can live your life.

Last weekend I went to the bridge to find a house, and also to see kenny. Finding a house was a great idea! Kenny was a bad one. despite whether or not anything that happened was really, or if any of the rumors that flew around that weekend were really true; I lost my head. I plunged myself into love. and I let myself be blinded by a few charming lines. I let myself be that girl I have worked so hard not to be. I just so badly wanted to be in love with anyone, just to make the Cody situation go away. And I lost it.

Remember: I am amazing, without a man. I am strong, beautiful, smart. Stop diving in head first, it only destroys the little progress I have made.

I spent a lot of time with Liz and Lauraj that weekend, I found myself falling back into old habits. I kept talking about people, Matea in specific. Since moving to the big city, I have experienced talking about places and ideas. About issues, and books. I love those conversations, I hate the one's I had on the weekend.

Remember: the world and all its Majesty's are far more interesting then the latest drama in that girls life.

All in all, I think that I am still making the right decision to leave the big city. Even though it may sound like I totally F--ed up on my last visit to the bridge. I don't think that means I'm not ready. I just think that means that I need to be aware. Aware that even though I am a different person now, that old person is not totally gone. I actually feel more sure about my decision to leave after last weekend. I need to grow more, I have reached my growth quota here in the big city. Now its time to continue this growth in the bridge

Remember: think two steps ahead, take one step forward.

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