Wednesday, January 21, 2009

bragging rights

Since I moved to the big city, I have had to deal with a whirl wind of feelings. I had to patch, stich, tape, glue, and finally make my emotions whole again. I did actually think I had gotten very far, until I was confronted with a moral dilemma.

Laura says: Cathy, Cody came into the store again.
Me: really what did he have to say?
Laura: acted like batman, said a bunch of dumb stuff.
Me: he didn't say anything confusing to about people he knows (hints never work with Laura)
Laura: everything he says is confusing
****pause for me to smack my forehead at her stupidity.****
Me: ya your right, so then did he say anything about you know our old friends?
Laura: oh well he wanted to know if Kristy was going to be his friend again.
Me: (realizing she so isn't getting it) why would she do that?
Laura: she called him on new years eve, he was just sitting at home alone (to depressing)
Me: to depressing, so um did he say anything
Laura: ya, he asked why your mad at him, he doesn't get it.

Me: we aren't friends because he said he didn't want to be friends with me anymore.......what an idiot!

This plunged me into a deep thought, all this time I thought he was being stubborn, and he was just being the same old dumb Cody. I looked at his profile, wanting to yell at him for being stupid, then wanting to add him on facebook again so he would start up a convo, and make sense of this mess, maybe get back to being friends. I sat there on his profile forever, finally I pushed the "add friend" button. a note popped up
"you are about to add Cody Healy as your friend". I stared at the screen, was I really going to do it? I thought about how it had been, and decided I had no desire to have that again, but maybe just maybe this few month had changed him. I thought about what he said to Laura, and then a small voice in the back of my head said
"he hasn't changed, he never will, he will always be the boy who broke your heart, he lost the boy who won your heart in the summer." I once again looked at the screen, I never felt so conflicted.

It made no sense, why was it that I couldn't do something I thought I wanted to do so bad. Why couldn't I let him back into my life?

I clicked cancel friend request, just in case you were sitting on the edge of your seat, screaming "NO CATHY HE'S NO GOOD FOR YOU". but I wanted to click yes so bad. I put my laptop away, and sat on my bed. and realized I couldn't physically or mental make myself be treated like that anymore. It was like someone else had clicked no and walked away. And then it dawned on me, it wasn't someone else, it was someone else that wanted me so badly to let Cody in again. But that someone isn't me anymore, it was the girl I left behind.
So I think I deserve some bragging rights, look how awesome I am, or No one pulls herself out of the mud like me.

What a weight lifted off of my shoulders to know that I am in control of me, not him, not even when old me wants it so bad. New me won't let it, thank goodness for new me!

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