Sunday, July 18, 2010

Goodnight Moon

It has been a long 3 months. Possibly the very longest. I had some pretty bad moments, there were plenty of tears shed. I never thought that my life could get any harder than it has been. But it did. Of course it did. Now that I am on the other side of it all, things are looking a lot better.

One night I went to sleep, before I laid down I looked out side and thought "Well, I hope things are really going to be better tomorrow." I went to bed, and the next morning things were different.

The first thing that got better was me. I have had issues with Bryan dating other people for a while. I couldn't figure out how to shake that feeling. You know that heart stabbing, angry, jealous feeling? I shook that feeling. I'm not really sure what changed.....I think it was just me who changed. I now hope he dates other people, it gives me a chance to have a break! I learned a lot from being with Bryan. That is something I don't regret. Bryan helped me find parts of me that I didn't know were there. And parts of me that had been gone for a long time. The most important things he taught me were: Honesty always, forgiveness, and that every one is just human and they need to learn just as much as I do form the situation.

Second thing that got better was my dreams. For a while I felt like I wanted to do nothing. A few days ago I picked up my camera, and went out to take some pictures, to waste time. Three hours later I was finished shooting, editing, and uploading them.  I flipped through them and realized something, I love this. Not just like this LOVE this. I have never in my life felt as good as I do when I am taking pictures. I love everything about it. I don't know what my future holds, but I do know that I will never ever give up photography. It is like a piece of me, that I just discovered.

Third thing to change was my attitude. I have always felt that if you laugh at it, it can't hurt you. At some point in the last three months I forgot to laugh. I honestly woke up a few days ago and realized, all those little things that were building up and destroying me, were actually pretty funny. So I laughed all day long, I laughed at every little thing that was meant to hurt me. Everything that was tearing me apart. You know what there getting better.

Fourth thing that I discovered. Was me. I started on this path to figure out who I really was a while ago. I didn't know me, I didn't know what I could do, who I could love, how I was going to live my life.  I spent a majority of this journey doing things differently than was expected of me. I moved in with a gay guy. I had a real relationship with a boy. I went to college parties, I played flip cup and beer pong. I fell in love with communication arts, and then with photography. I stopped loving a God that I didn't understand, and started looking for one that I do. I learned about all kinds of things. I found a best friend, who yes is often an idiot but who really cares about me. I learned about mental health. I learned about love, lust, and cheating.I learned to be honest always, and that I actually really love comic books movies. I am really happy with how I am living my life right now. And I am sure that my life will continue to change. That's the thing about finding your self. Your never your self very long, before who you are changes again. Things changes always, and continuously.

I know that this won't be the last time my life is going to be hard. I even know that it might be a lot harder. There are a thousand things I haven't lived and don't understand. And I know that I can do it. T and KC might have to save me a few more times. Mom might have to endure a few more phone calls that start like "Mom? *sob sob* every thing is shit! *sob sob sob*". Bryan might have to stay over months on end. Lucky I know they will be there. So ok, thanks for the life lesson God. I look forward to continuing to finding out who I am. Today, tomorrow, and forever.

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

T & KC will always be there for you, anytime, anywhere, when ever you're our girl.