Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I lied

Ok so I said I was done. But truthfully I don't know what I want anymore.
I thought since I never posted, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I just stopped. But when I didn't have the option, I realized how much this blog means to me. So I am still here. It might not be often, but I will try.

If you have been a part of my life in the past 9 months you will know a few things.
1. I fell in love.
2. It didn't last.
3. He is now in love with the girl I thought was my best friend.
4. She plays with his heart but doesn't love him back.
5. I am the one who holds him together.
It has all been pretty shitty. The worse part is that I never got a chance to get over him. It was only a few days after we broke up that I found out about what had happened between him and Brinae. I was immediately thrown into the savior position. You guys all know how well I maintain sanity in that position.
So I did what I always do, I tried to save the unsaveable.

I got burnt out. And once again, Super T (with a little help from her side kick and main man KC) saved me. They drove down to the bridge, swept me up in a wave of emotion, and told me what a stupid ass I am being. I appreciate them for that. But this time it's different.

Here's the main difference. Even though it would be easiest to walk away, This time I won't. You see this time (even though I know everyone of you don't believe me) it's different. Maybe it's because I actually thought I loved Bryan. Maybe it is because I am sick of being alone, maybe it's because I am a gluten for punishment, or maybe it's because I have too big of a heart. Or maybe just maybe it's because I have found someone who is as good of a friend to me as I am to them.

I know you have all heard the stories. And if you haven't well then sorry that you don't understand. But I can be every bit as manipulative to him as he is to me. you see that's life. No one is perfect. Everyone has needs and sometimes when you need something the most is when your ugly side comes out. I am a moody bitch at least 70% of the time. And even though I agree yes, in the past few months I have fallen off of my desired course. I don't believe it's because of a boy (well a little bit yeah). I think it is because I met that boy and I realized I don't know who I am or what I want. And then I started trying to figure it all out. And I still haven't figured it out yet.

To tell you the truth, Bryan wasn't the cause of this break down. Since I have been in a state of break down since I got home from my summer of closure. This is life. I mean sometimes it is ugly. Sometime people do things you don't expect them to do, sometimes the heart changes in a blink of an eye. Some time some one you hated can be the only person you wish you could love.

This great rescue number two has taught me a couple of things already.
1.  I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
2. My goals have gone by the way side and I need to get them back on track.
3. Sometimes when you feel like they won't understand, you are right, but you still need to let them in.
4. Running away can only give you clarity, it solves nothing, because one day you have to go back.
5. I don't want to run away, I want to stick through it.
6. Feelings, no matter how many time you deny them being there, stay until you deal with them and let them go.
7. There are parts of me that I lost that I don't think will ever come back.
8. You always need you Mom no matter what age.
9. When everything is falling apart around you, someone elses world is falling apart to.

I don't think I am as stupid as I was with Cody. I can see the differences. And maybe I will keep living this until I have grown enough to not have to live it again. Maybe God gives you people who push you to your breaking point so that he can lengthen that point. Maybe, God knew that I could do it this time, and that's why when he gave me a difficult friend like Bryan he made him so amazing. So that when I am on the other side, stronger, better, happier, I am not alone this time. Because I will get on the other side. I always do.

Life is hard. Look at your own lives. They haven't been amazing 100% of the time. Because we are human and humans are ruled by their emotions. The good ones and the bad.

I'm still here. I'm still fighting.

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

You sweet beautiful girl. Escape is always necessary, as you say...to provide the clarity and perspective. You go back stronger, determined, and more capable of dealing with life and love.

We love you, we will always be there for you.

You are capable, confident and just enough crazy to be cute.