I hate you. There is a part of me that hates you. Sometimes I hate you so much I can barely keep it together. I don't know why I feel the way I do. Ok? I'm one of the most messed up people you will ever meet. I have issues. But when it comes down to it, I never felt loved by a single male for very long. And no matter how many times you say you love me, no matter how many times you say you will always be here, I don't believe you.

The last thing I want is to be alone. But for some reason I always push, or run away.  Maybe it's because I know the second I find someone who will actually stay, who will put me first, who will love me more than anyone else, he will be able to hurt me. Hurt me more than you, or the boy from last year. More than my Father, or anyone. Once I believe that you actually love me, that's when I am the most vulnerable.

But I know you are not him. how could you be, he would never put me through what you have. You see this is all a test. I do it every time.I make you see how wonderful I am, then I ask you to fight for me. And every time I have been left to fight alone. Maybe I pushed, but if you were the one who would stick around, I could walk out myself and you wouldn't give up.

This maybe a tall order. Or maybe it's not. All I know is the you are not the man who will stay. One day you will find some one else. And being your best friend won't be my job anymore. I just pray that when that happens I have found the one who will stick around. Or I have found my self, and will be able to battle the war alone.

Yes sometimes I hate you, but mostly it's because I know one day you'll leave.

Rain

This morning I woke up to a down poor of rain. Most days I love rain. But when you have to got to work in two hours and the last time you owned anything rain proof was when you were about 10, rain isn't very welcomed. So even though money is tight I thought ok I'll take a cab.

Once at work I realized that my plan for getting home wasn't a for sure. So I texted everyone's favorite boy Bryan. Turns out he made plans with the girl he is now seeing.....again. ok ok I told him I would try. So even though I realized I'd be walking home I tried to not be upset.

Six o'clock came rolling around and it was time to brave the rain. By now the rain had only increased its down poor. So I zipped up the only thing I had the resembled a rain coat, and was off.
I got to the cross walk ten steps from the store and I was already drench from head to toe.
As I walked I thought of all the things I could say to make Bryan feel bad.

I got to about wendy's when I saw another man walking.
He wasn't wearing much a long black shirt and a leather vest. His hair was dripping wet, and he looked like he hadn't eaten in days.
He slowed his passe as he saw me coming. I knew I had two dollars I could give him. He asked me for money. I always give them something.

This might sound dumb but once a long time ago in church someone commented. If a bum came up to Jesus on the street and asked for money, he would give it to him. Even if he knew it was just to buy alcohol. He would hand it to him, shake his hand, tell him he was loved, make that man feel good and go on his way.  Ever since that simple comment was made I have given them something. And I never once regreted it, the look one their face makes it worth being out five dollars.

Any ways I handed him the dollar and then ask "sir are you hungry?"
He was of course. Monika a girl I work with had just sent me with five pieces of hot pizza for my supper. I reached into my purse and gave him the bag. he thanked me and walked on.

Even though I didn't give up much, I did give up something important. I realized that even though I was hurt, and upset that Bryan had ditched me yet again for some girl I wasn't going to let it show. Because a lot worse could be done to me.

I feel humbled, and even though I was freezing by the time I walked home. I have never enjoyed walking home more.

I'm grateful for the rain.

Sensible heart

I write here so little these days I often forget what the last thing I wrote about was. Then again I often forget what the last thing I said was.....so it's not really a shocker.
I guess the thing I miss the most about being a regular blogger, is how it feels to write your life down. It's funny how simply putting a situation into words can organize it and help solve it.

Last night I was trying to kill time, and so I  started to download free apps to my Iphone. unless you have an iphone you have no idea how much time can be wasted by downloading free apps. Last night I went to the astronomy category. Did you know in a past life I was married to a french soldier, who was killed in the war? He was given a medal for his service, but it gave me no comfort. So I started a anti war activist group, but since no one listened to women back then, nothing came of it and I died lonely and angry at the government. The app said "This explains why you are so anti war today." I looked at Bryan, then at my phone then back at Bryan and said, "BRYAN! this app knows about my past lives!!!" He looked at me like I was on crack. Then I read him his past life. He wasn't impressed.

Bry:"I meet a women, get married, and we spend our life together farming?"
Me:"YES! and that explains why you have a desire to find true love!!! see it is so smart!"
Bry:"That is the stupidest thing you have ever said. EVERYONE WANTS TO FIND TRUE LOVE!"

Next was the Tarot card app.
Me: "Bry can I read you your tarot cards?"
Bry: "No."
Me: "Come on!"
Bry: "I"M PLAYING ROCKBAND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Me:"Whatever, you destiny sucks anyways!"

The last one was the hauted house app. Which in a nut shell was just a bunch of pictures of house across the world, with a paragraph write up about why they were haunted.

Me: "Bry, there's this place in Kentucky. It use to be a college, and when it was a priest hung five girls in the basement over the points of a pentagon!"
Bry: "Pentagram.."
Me: "Right! Anyways it says here that the students could hear the screaming of the five girls at night. So they closed the school."
Bry: "Right they closed a 300 year old college down just because there was "screaming" at night. It couldnt be that it was falling down around them"
Me: "Seriously, you are zero fun!"
Bry: "I hope you accidentally get charged for everyone of those stupid apps."
Me: "And I hope you fail this song on rockband."

Henry Nearly Killed Me (It's a Shame)

These past few days I have felt like a new me.
Scratch that. A different me.
I have come to realize that the phrase "New me" is kind of a load of shit.
Your never new, you always have the old in you. You can't just shake it out. Stand on your head and suddenly BOOM! the old is gone.
Nope I am the same girl.
I just have different elements.
I also think that everything you are is already inside of you. Good or bad. It just takes situations to bring those sides out.
So there is no new. There is just me.

It has come to my attention that some of you think things have been ruff because of a boy. Things are not ruff because of a boy. Things are ruff because I am lost. and a boy just happened to know just where to push to break me. New and old me have never totally broke becasue of a boy (not even Cody).

Anyways different me. Yesterday I laughed and not just you know laughed, but really laughed. I'm sorry to tell you if I have laughed at or with you in the past 3 months it was the laugh. Not a laugh. I laughed because of something Bryan did. Today I realized that is a slippery slop. Allowing your happiness to come from someone who's emotions flip on a dime is a bad idea. But even though that was my first Laugh, it is not the first time I have felt different.
I started spending time with LizD. That is good. I feel good with her.  I started helping Stephy with the wedding. That is good. I work more. good. I spend more nights alone at my house. good. I talked to the DeCoste's. good.

Please don't take this as "oh good, she is fine." I am better, but not perfect. I still get lows. So please don't think anything is 100% resolved. But it is smoothing over.

one drop

One drop
That's all it took.
It didn't solve anything.
It made you feel worse.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Two drops
That's what it takes
It never makes you feel better.
But you go back to it anyways.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Three drops
That's what you need.
It could kill you she says
But in your darkest hour
all it takes
is
one
Drop
.

Happy Mother's Day

In my life time I have had a lot of Mother's. But I only have one real Mom. This lady.....if you know her you know she is pretty great! So even though I am eternally greatful for all my other Mother's, to day this post is just for her.

Dear Mom,
It's been tough. But tough has made me into what I am today. I know some times we don't agree, we don't see eye to eye. I know you think I am crazy, but I think you are too. But what are daughters for if not to make you question your sanity? You are a good woman, the best. And you have always been my best friend. You always have been and you always will be. Thank you for excepting me, I know my decisions aren't always good. But I am learning, and it means the world to me that you watch me learn and realize that even though you think it is wrong, it is my life to live. Some day I will have a daughter of my own, and I pray she is just like me, just a bit smarter when it comes to crazy guys. Because if she is just like me, that mean's that I am just like you. I couldn't ask for a better Mother. Happy Mother's Day Momma. I am glad you finally found a place and a person that makes you happy. I can't think of someone who deserves it more.
I love you.
P.S. these are post cards sent to a blog that I read. I think that they express how I feel just as well if not better than I can.

these last Ladies are the other Mother's. I couldn't do it with out you guys. I love you too