Saturday, May 29, 2010

I hate you. There is a part of me that hates you. Sometimes I hate you so much I can barely keep it together. I don't know why I feel the way I do. Ok? I'm one of the most messed up people you will ever meet. I have issues. But when it comes down to it, I never felt loved by a single male for very long. And no matter how many times you say you love me, no matter how many times you say you will always be here, I don't believe you.

The last thing I want is to be alone. But for some reason I always push, or run away.  Maybe it's because I know the second I find someone who will actually stay, who will put me first, who will love me more than anyone else, he will be able to hurt me. Hurt me more than you, or the boy from last year. More than my Father, or anyone. Once I believe that you actually love me, that's when I am the most vulnerable.

But I know you are not him. how could you be, he would never put me through what you have. You see this is all a test. I do it every time.I make you see how wonderful I am, then I ask you to fight for me. And every time I have been left to fight alone. Maybe I pushed, but if you were the one who would stick around, I could walk out myself and you wouldn't give up.

This maybe a tall order. Or maybe it's not. All I know is the you are not the man who will stay. One day you will find some one else. And being your best friend won't be my job anymore. I just pray that when that happens I have found the one who will stick around. Or I have found my self, and will be able to battle the war alone.

Yes sometimes I hate you, but mostly it's because I know one day you'll leave.

No comments: