I have done a lot of thinking since getting back to the bridge. I've asked my self time and time again, "Was this a mistake? Did I do the right thing by moving back here?"
I can't really answer that. I don' t ever classify anything I do in my life as a mistake. Nothing can be a mistake, I didn't make the wrong move, I didn't lose points in the game. Because I have grown up from all the things I have done. Wrong or right they are me, and I lived them.
However I can say that I have learnt some very important things from coming back to the bridge.
I learnt that I am not meant to stay here. I have always had such a hard time letting go of this place. Time and time again I run back here, and feel like I am home. This time I got here, and felt like this wasn't home anymore. Maybe that's why I had to come back, to figure out that it's ok to let go. I still plan on starting school in the fall, and then looking at transfer schools, in different cities. I don't know where I'm suppose to go, but I know that in the long run it's not here. The nice thing about realizing this, is that there is no emergency. There's no tragic happenings that force me to leave. There's just me ready to start living.
I have learnt that sometimes loosing someone is for the best. Of course I know that losing he who must not be named, is good. but for once I'm not referring to him. I'm referring to me. It's been hard to come back, and have all my friends put me in my old role again. Cathy the protector, the shoulder to hold on to, the backbone, the mother, the controller. Because that's not who I am. Since I got back I have felt like I can't just be me. That is because I can't, everyone wants me to be the friend that they remember. But I'm just not that girl. This realization makes me so happy. Because the girl I was, was nothing I wanted to be. I am proud of the person I turned into over the last few months. Now I need to learn how to be her, even in a situation like this.
I have learnt that some people are meant to come and go. I only have a hand full of friends that I have been friends with for a significant amount of time. Those people are the people, who don't always make the head lines of my life. Blake is one of the, Elizabeth is another. It was a surprise to me when I realized that the people that mean the most to me where people that wouldn't stick around. Lauraj I thought would be there every step of the way. But I was wrong. I never thought that we would change so much that we would drift apart. But we have. I know that should be a sad thing, but that's just how it has always been. Debbie was my best friend and we changed and drifted apart, Melanie, Ike, Carrie, Kodie, Bonnie, Steph,Cody and now Laura. They each helped make me into the girl I am. I'm not saying that Laura and me are no more, we still are friends, I'm saying that we have changed and drifted apart, and I see us getting farther and farther. But that's ok.
I have learnt that being close to my heavenly father is my number one goal. I finally figured out what I was looking for, by bouncing back and forth from ward to ward. I'm looking for a chance to serve, to feel his love, and to learn.
Most of all I have learnt that life is short, but long. That all the dreams and aspirations. point me in the same direction, and that even though it has taken this long for me to get them set in motion, I have even longer to make them come true. I have gained a sense of hope that I just never understood. And for that lesson I am eternally grateful for.