A mission

tonight the Elders came over for dinner at my house. I don't really know either of them, and both of my room mates are hardcore...groupies of these two guys. So I was pretty sure that it would be a tiny bit awkward. Which it was, how ever the emotion that I am now left with are confusing.
Why could I not open up to these missionaries? the priesthood holder Joel that was here I talked to, I was timid but not mute.
I just couldn't open my self up to these two elders, I wanted to. I wanted to laugh and to joke, I wanted to talk and to make friends. But I just couldn't.
I feel like I may have some Major missionary baggage.
A long time ago there was this missionary, I can't remember for the life of me what his name was. I was 6, I think, when he was in our branch.
I remember loving him to death, I remember we use to step on each other toes, and he use to chase me around the church. I loved him, he was like a big brother. And then he was transferred I didn't see him after that. But I remember being really upset about that.
I think that's the root of this whole not being able to open up to the missionaries. I have always had the men I'm closest to leave. Befriending a missionary is like setting myself up to fail. They will leave, and they will touch your life in ways you thought unimaginable.
I guess that must be it, see I am great friends with the sister missionaries, but never the Elders.
I also think it maybe because it has been drilled into my mind that missions are for serving the lord. So to me the thought of making friends with a house of single girls is wrong. I'm sure its not. I'm sure it's fine, I'm sure it's part of a mission. But I just can't open up!
Well I get to meet another one tomorrow, I'm sure it will be easier the more I see them. But I don't think I have ever been so quiet in all my life.