Saturday, April 18, 2009

Moving on

I started composing this brilliant blog post in my head one day. Witty, sarcastic, smart, interesting, grammar perfect, spelling better.
That blog post is all about moving on. I doubt this blog post will be as brilliant as the one I started in my head. Probably for the reasons B once pointed out, 20 year olds don't pay much attention to the small things.
He was referring to the fact that each time I got in his car I would mess up the floor mat, and not notice it.
But he is right, I'm 20 my spelling isn't perfect and my political views aren't completely knowledgeable. That's the beauty of this blog. One day I will have perfect grammar and I will be able to converse about the political policies of the heads of the world. One day this blog could be a deep read, you might have to pull out a dictionary just to get through the first paragraph.
For now it remains in childish ignorance, the same ignorance that causes me not to notice how horribly bad I messed up B's car mat.
This blog grows with me, It moves on with me. It always feels what I feel, it only says what I want it to.
I went through a while where I couldn't post. My blog couldn't say what I needed it to. I realized, due to the lapse in posting, that this blog has helped me grow as well. Most of the time I post what ever is on my mind, despite who I hurt by saying it. I suddenly found my self not posting my feelings, because of how my words could effect someone. Gossip was something I never thought was a big deal, I can talk about what ever I want, despite whither it was infringing on someones privacy. When I realized that I didn't want to post in fear of hurting someone close to me, I knew, this blog grew me up as well as grew with me.
I hope that those of you how read my blog regularly have seen the changes in me over the past few months. If not, I'm sure you will.
Now is the time to build a life, not a love story. Not a fairy tale, but a life. Now is the time to start my career, to experience the world. To prepare myself, spiritual, mentally, and physically for what lies ahead.
So I'm moving on, I've done everything I could think of to leave the past in the past.
Psychiatrists, burning pictures and dream catchers, deleting messages, talking to everyone I know, praying, cutting my hair, throwing him away, changing my clothes, changing me. The only thing left to do is to just put one foot forward, and not look back.
So here I go, acceptance letter in hand, to keep becoming what I am meant to be.


burns said...

I miss you too; more than you can know. My scooter mat is pretty messed up now.
love, B

Marilee said...

The only reason to look back is to learn from it as you move forward...just like you are doing. Congrats and thank you for sharing the journey with us.
Love you loads, Mom