Thursday, September 18, 2008

Butt Naked and Im Up My Knees In Crap Situations.

sorry releasing a bit of emotion on this blog.
ok so here it is. no cover ups. Im just going to be pure Cathy.
I can not stand living with Laura and her Boyfriend Will. I didn't sign up to be a threesome. NO. I was suppose to be living with Laura. But then her BF needed to stay here till he found a now feels like he will never move out! For the place he has found to live is here, free of charge!
I really like will, but I find it disgusting that he feels its ok to have weed in my house, and I find it even worse that he smokes cigars on my balcony. I also hate that he comes back from the bar with his drunk friends, and then lets me make sure that dont wreck my house. I miss having the spirit in my house, I miss feeling safe. I completely took my self out of the world of drugs and alcohol, and now it is back. And i will not watch it destroy who I am again! I WILL NOT!
I also hate that since Will has moved in here, I have lost my Best Friend, It seems that she has become some form of a leach that hangs off his face or his waist at all times! I knew her standard had slipped but I really hate witnessing it over and over and over again!
I have also come to realize that it is impossible to be best friends with someone who has not an inch of the same moral values as you. Or it is for me anyways. I find myself becoming less and less of what I need to be and more and more of what I hate. I recently bought the book "P.S. I love you" I was thinking about it, I want friends like Holly, Friends that are just part of me in every way. I also would like to be a good person. Cathy+ Laura= no spirit, stupid in a bad way, no spirit. Bad Combo. Time to find someone new, someone to laugh with and to love but that makes me the best me I can be.
My house is a disaster. I know that those of you how knew me growing up will think "yeah your house has always been a disaster". HA. It really was. But the thing is I hate it, all the clutter all the dirt its just GROSS! (let me remind you that im not saying my house is a bit messy pity me, Im saying there are my room mates dishes covering every inch of my counters and floor I smell garbage and can find a place to sit with out clearing a space from the couch.) I know you must be thinking, well clean. HA! I did, just yesturday I did a batch of dishes and swept the floor and picked up my text books and such up. Guess what I left for a movie and 3 hours later my house looked worse than it did before I cleaned it. today I found a dead bug crusted to the toilet seat. which was up and filled with pee. MAN PEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! men are gross, my husband better hope he knows how to clean up after himself, and put the seat DOWN!
I have been finding refuge in Cody. HA yeah refuge. let us say that personal torture is better than the one in my apartment. I have recently found out that I have a obsession with Cody, I hate being away for him for any amount of time, Im always talking about him and always thinking about him. I am hopelessly in love with the boy. I have been for months and months. The problem is that as strongly as I feel for Cody, He feels for another girl. I listen to him for hours on end talk about his undying love for Andrea. I know that all of you are thinking you just need to tell him how you feel. I already did and i didnt beat around the bush thats so not like me. I said Cody as much as your in love with Andrea is how much im In love with you, maybe even more. oh Cathy you foolish foolish girl to think that anyone would love you back. Your own Father didnt love you, why would any other man. So there it is I even at one point asked him if I should still like him, cuz he was acting like I should but had never really said anything back to the Hey Cody im madly in love with you thing. He said I should stop. Thats hilarious, like its just that easy. I hate that it feels like he is in control of my emotions. and I especially hate that I cant run anywhere. I cant run home I dont have the money. I cant run to my apartment for super leach and her chain smoking rock star boyfriend, I cant run to Cody, I cant run anywhere.
For the first time in my life I am backed into a corner. And I desperately just want to scream, scream and scream and scream. And then run, run so fast and so far that no one can hurt me. I need that hero that someone to save me. Unfortunately I think the only one that can save me is me, and Im afraid i might not be strong enough to do it alone.

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