it crossed my mind

I felt like I needed to post something....so here is a few things that have crossed my mind this week.

1. Fashion. I love fashion. If I can't make it as a political or environmental journalist. I plan on selling my soul, and being a fashion journalist. Funny I know to want to educate the world on the state of our planet, but would settle on the mindless fashion industry. What can I say? How ever I will always be able to comment on peoples fashion, even if I am a fabulously deep journalist. Exhibit A came through my till yesterday. A huge man, with a thick white bread, those sweat pants that sinch at the bottom and pair of suspenders holding them up over a black stained T shirt and a jean vest. Plus I do believe he was one of those people T told me about last weekend, the one's that don't have the luxury of showering ever day.

2. I have been bouncing back and forth from a family ward and a singles ward since I got back to the bridge. I have been trying to figure out what ward would help me concentrate more on the spirit and topics being said. And less on the boys that I want to date. Turns out single guys are in a family ward too. Luckily their not overly attractive, and usually come with a pile full of baggage and an ex wife. So needless to say there is not to much pressure in a family ward. I feel like I am looking for a needle in a haystack....a needle that is actually in the pin cushion, I just happened to not see it there. scratch that it's more like an invisible needle in a haystack. Maybe I feel this way because I don't really know what I'm looking for. But it's something.

3. I have decided to be an adult. Instead of quitting the job I'm currently at, I decided to grow up and find a better job before I just ditch and live off no money. sometimes I am super grateful for the things I was taught as a young women. Responsibility isn't often one of them. It makes me do things logically and doesn't leave a lot of room for spontaneity. just saying....I could handle a little less genetically inherited responsibility.

4. I hate working Sundays.....I would give up my arm, leg and left breast to never have to work again on Sundays for the rest of my life. Just saying. Any takers?

5. I realized that being tied down is all a mental illusion. I was recently freaking out, because I had stuck my self in the bridge again. And I couldn't go anywhere or live life. then I realized the things I let tie me down, only tied me down because I let them. So I untied them......I'm currently waiting for the opportunity that will make me feel alive. I found a job in the paper yesterday that said "Get paid to travel" $450 a week travel the country for the summer, students preferred. it was like a sign from God. Not saying I'm taking it, just said it was a sign from God. I can live my dreams they are right there in the news paper.

The Catch Up

It seems like I have written a dozen blog post since I got here, But none of them have given a glimpse of what is actually happening in my life.
So here's a catch up post. Of the goings on of my life.

First off I am back working at a grocery store! can't you hear the excitement in my voice? No? well let me try a little harder next time. It is just like before when I worked at a grocery store, except that I don't know anyone, and it is slightly colder in Sobeys than IGA.
I really do need an attitude adjustment about my job situation, but I just can't seem to figure out anything to like about this job. oh well 3 more months and it's back to school. Then working in a grocery store will be numbed by the fact that in 4 years I will be a journalist.

The new room mates. Well Kam and me have gotten tight. We share clothes and go shopping together. We talk about life and *cough boys cough cough*. We go to church together and we go to institute together. and we love each other. lol. as for the other two roomies....
Well Erin isn't home much, but when she is she is consumed with her current boy Austin. Who she just kissed after dating for four months!
And then there is Leah. Remember what I once predicted about Leah? well I was right. turns out she went into our landlords house (they live above us) and stole a thousand dollars worth of rent money. And then after they made it clear to everyone that they knew who took it, she very unsneakily returned it. still waiting to hear if she will be kicked out. I hope she does. since I am now afraid to leave anything in my house unattended.

Other than that not a lot has happened. It hasn't been all sun shine and roses since I got back. But nothing has spun out of control, and it won't be. The hardest part of being back is not being near my family. I just developed this new found appreciation for the role of family. Now it's rather lonely with out them. I definitely miss T and her witty banter, B and all the random things we talk about. Mr. O's bright shinning face and funny little sayings, Aunt J and Uncle J trying to get me a job at a bank, and fast Sunday dinners. But I am adjusting.
And to tell you the truth I am glad my I don't have anymore drama than just those 2 paragraphs. I use to be able to fill pages with the drama in my life. now I can barely think of enough to fill half a post.
THANK GOODNESS!

Guess who`s back

3 guesses.....
starts with an N......
no...no....no....ok
Nolan!
and so are the butterflies in my stomach!
So not trying to jump the gun. He was swept off his feet by a soon to be missionary over east. But he`s home, and I will fight to the death! lol. I invited him to the movies tomorrow night, hope he comes. I still feel the same about him. I hope he feels the same about me. But I can tell he`s changed, So have I.
But I`m not getting my hopes up, I already had to deal with I`m leaving once. Not sure if I could just be left hanging again like last time.
Oh well for now, at least I can be friends with the greatest guy I have ever met.

Ipod Diaries

For as long as I can remember, I have related songs with what is happening in my life. For every event there is a song to describe how I felt better than I could ever do. When I left the bridge the first time, I gave he who must not be named (this is what we shall call that mistake of a boy in my past) a CD of "Love". It was a bunch of song declaring my stupidity.... I mean love to him.
Since then I have found new songs to describe life.
And so I am starting a new application on my own blog.
Since I have been breathing for 20 years now, theres just to many songs to catch you up on. Ipod stories starts with how I felt after leaving the Bridge.

Ipod Diaries: Because someone said what I wanted to better, and recorded it so it will never go away.

Chapter one- What I never got to say to he who must not be named.

(if you are wondering why this picture, for this chapter? all mean things should be said, with the sweetest most innocent face you can make. While looking smokin hot. This is me saying mean things to him.)

-Everybody's fool Evanecense-
"look here he comes now bow down and stair in wonder, oh how we love you , no flaws when your pretending. but now I know he never was and never will be, you don't know how you betrayed me, and some how you got every body fooled.
With out the mask where will you hide, cant find your self lost in your lie
I know the truth I know who you are, and I don't love you anymore.
Your not real and you can't save me, and some how now your everybodys fool."


-The final cut Coheed and Cambria-
"To the way that you left me, Here by the roadside, the bloodiest of cadavers, marked in your words, I'm the joke, I'm the bastard.
I guess you know your a self fish little whore.
This is the final cut, open up"

Taylor Swift White Horse
"Say your sorry that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to, as I pase back and forth because I honestly believed in you, stupid girl I should known.
Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes I never really had a chance, my mistake I didn't know to be in love you have to fight to have the upper hand. "

Taylor Swift Your Not Sorry


Katy Perry I'm still breathing
"Pick you favourite shade of black, you best prepare a speech, say something funny, say something sweet, but don't say that you loved me.
I'm still breathing, but we've been dead for a while, that sickness has no cures we're going down for sure, already lost my grip best abandon ship."

New Goal

Since moving in with T, my culinary side has flared up. It was her goal for me to at least know how to cook, once leaving her humble abode.
I picked up a few basics. Pizza is not under or over cooked these days. And recipes from the kraft cook books, seem to have made there way to my kitchen. I'm constantly trying to remember what we use to eat at T's house for dinner, trying to add variety in my meals. If she accomplished nothing else, at least I have the urge to try to cook.
And so brings about my new goal.

Weddings are a big talk in my group of friends. We are all getting to be that age where it is brought to the front of our minds. All of us being very artsy, we discuss colors and themes.....and of course cake.
After Mrs. Dunnet's wedding I had made one firm decision. Wedding cakes are over priced, and not worth the money. Since not that many people eat it (how ever chocolate sushi rolls are worth the money).
There`s this little cake shop on the corner in downtown. Lauraj and I walk by it often and look at the creations. and then one day I saw it..... the cake for me.


It has been my idea since seeing a photo shoot that my cousin did, to have a rainbow wedding. When I saw this cake, all illusions on not having a cake disappeared.
However I still think wedding cakes are truly over priced. Yes it takes a lot of effort, but any artist would be up to the challenge.

And so my new goal is.....................................ready for it??? ........................................ ................................................................................................................ Learn to make fancy cakes!!!!
This would benefit me greatly, I have plenty of time to perfect the skill by the time I get married. And plenty of time to by the supplies it take to make these kinds of cakes. Plus think how awesome I would be if I could create beautiful master pieces from sugar and butter! No one else in singles ward can make stellar cakes......this will be my claim to fame! lol. So stay tuned to my blog. When I am slightly less poor, I will be starting small. And trying my hand a new art form. An eatable one! wish me luck!

The quest for birth........control

Today was my day off, which is always the best days of the week.
I slept till 11, I watched TV, ate my favourite Ice Krispies (in the words of Mr. O), watched a little Ellen, and finally slapped on some jeans and headed out to the chiropractor. I usually go downtown early, so I can talk to Laura j for a while. So like every time I go to the chiropractor I got off the bus and headed strait to Lauraj's place of business.
As the chat progressed we started talking about periods (please note Lauraj works in a store that is currently going out of business, due to lack of customers. So we don't really hold back conversation wise. Truly even if there were customers, we most likely would not have held back.) depression, paranoia, crabbiness, cramps and irregular was how the conversation progressed. When I said "Yeah well of course your patterns would have changed, you started taking birth control" she went quiet. I looked at her she looked at me. And the she said it "I never starting taking birth control Cathy."
................
What the (swear words)!!!!!!!

She went on to tell me that she had tried going to the Doctors, but they had turned her away.....we later found out that she went to a clinic and wanted a walk in appointment. When they said they didn't do walk ins, she asked to make an appointment. They told her they weren't taking new clients......Can't exactly blame them.
Shortly after she explained the situation to me, I had to go the chiropractor. I laid there thinking about how stupid she was. A year of having regular sex with her boy friend and she didn't even bother to get on birth control. What the crap.....I knew she was dumb but this was a duesy. No wonder she had had so many pregnancy scares!!!!
I walked back to her work and made a very important decision. I was going to get her a doctors appointment and she would be on the pill by the end of the week, or I was going to smack her so hard!!! We're 20! 20 year olds aren't stupid like that!
I walked in to the store looked at her and said "give me a phone book."
After phoning a real walk in clinic and confirming that you can get birth control from there, I told lauraj we were going after she was done work to get her a prescription. Then she said it,"But I when my wallet got stolen, my health care number was in it."

sorry this is the only phrase that can accurately describe how I felt.

FOR SHIT!!!!

But that wasn't going to stop me. If Lauraj was to get pregnant the little potential she has would be completely gone. And so I decided that I would get birth control, and she would take it.the closer we got the more freaked out I got. Is it illegal to get a persecution for birth control and give it to your best friend??? what if they figured out that I was still a virgin? what if he asks me all kinds of questions that I can't answer because I haven't had SEX!!!!!! I felt like a criminal.......but it didn't matter, because she need to get on the pill. we got off the bus and I had a break through. "Laura! what if you just pretended to be me! or better yet just be you and we can just write me health care number on the paper work!"
She wasn't really down for that one.
So there I was standing line, to get birth control.
Birth control.
For not having babies.
When I had no shot of having a baby any time soon.
And then it was time. I pushed Laura in front of me and glared at her and said "TALK!"
She looked at the receptionist and said, "We just need an appointment to get a prescription for birth control."
The receptionist replied, "The evening shift Doctors don't do birth control prescriptions. But we can set you an appointment with a Doctor later this week."
FINALLY some sanity!
we set up an appointment for Monday, the day we both had off. When the receptionist asked Lauraj "I just need you health care number" she replied' "It got stolen along with my wallet."
The receptionist handed her a paper and said, "call this number, they should be able to get it to you by Monday."

Que choir of angels.........
We walked out of the clinic to the bus stop.
I walked out with out birth control I would never use.
Lauraj walked out that much closer to getting birth control for herself.

Despite her stupidity I do love her. Other wise would I just pretend to need birth control! I know she would do the same thing for me.......at least we have a story to laugh about.

When it all goes right.

I have been back here, in the bridge, for about a month. I never expected it to go like it has. Everything has just kind of falling into place. Like I was in the right place at the right time.
I usually would be afraid right about now, that something was about to go wrong. Fortunately I figured out how to set up a life that may get shaken, but not crumble around my feet. Funny how just changing a few relationships, completely changed my life. I still feel strong, fearless, and ready to take on my life. I guess it is just a very off putting feeling to not be in total stress mode. Which for the past 12 years is really the only mode I new.
This is not say that I haven't had any struggles, since coming home. I have, but the are just that, a struggle. Not a devastation.
I am so grateful for this new life, and each person who is part of it.

Working girl

So I start my first day of work here in the bridge in just a few minutes. I guess I am forever destined to work in a grocery store here in the bridge. Oh well it's a well paying grocery job. Here's to endless hours of looking at all the food other people can afford!