Wedding-struck.

I feel I may have jumped the gun, with the whole Kenny thing. I do like him, and I'm pretty sure he is interested. However I think I was on wedding high. and was therefor rather blind sighted.
Since after having just one date, I was planning our wedding invitations (oh no I really am my mothers daughter!)I would like to plea temporary insanity! It was all the love floating around, it was rather distracting, and Liz just looked so darn happy! lol.
Anyways, have no fear fellow bloggers I am not engaged to a man I only met a week ago! however you will be the first to know, more like last. That's a big deal, that's gotta be done by the phone!
So until I get to the Bridge, we remain JUST FRIENDS!
The wedding high just wore off, it was a little sad, I was enjoying the strange state of bliss I was in. But now that reality has sunk in, I do have stories.....that don't involve a $200 0 dollar diamond!
Cody.
Oh I have you rolling your eyes already, don't I.
He's stupid. Got wind of my moving back to the bridge decision. And has decided it is because I saw him at the dance and realized, I couldn't be away from him anymore.
If that was the case I'm pretty sure I would have talked to him. I hope he gets wind a large part is because of Kenny. that would be great!
Anyways so Idiot talks to Laura today.
She facebooks me. not entirely sure why. It could be because she thought I would care. It could also be that she likes when I get all dramatic. It could also be because she was genuinely concerned and thought I needed a heads up. either way she didn't get much. She got a wow he's still a jackass.
However Cody got something entirely.
I decided it was time, I was ready to tell him good bye forever. I sent him an email (note: I would usually feel crappy about telling someone to F off over email. But he did break my heart over facebook, so I don't really feel that bad.) telling him why we stopped being friends in the first place. then after establishing it was because I needed to get over him, I told him I was over him. and it was true! and then I told him that even though I was over him, I still didn't want to be friends.
I did it classy. I told him to have a good life, that I was sorry for hurting him. and to stay strong in the gospel. I asked him to not write me back, and to just let go. I don't know if he will do it. He's lost a lot of people, I don't think they have ever told him themselves why. I hope he respects that. I doubt it. but I don't really care.
My life is meant for great things. His life is meant for great things. but we are not meant for each other.

I owe ya One

This may or may not come as a total shock.

But after much thought, and even more prayer, I have decided what is to happen next in my life.

As of April first, I will leave the big city behind, and finished what I started, In the bridge.

First let me take a second to thank you who have helped me since I first left the bridge. And especially T, who not only helped me, but pulled me out of a bad situation.

I in the past 5 month have become the person who I wanted to be. The girl who you saved is completely gone. And I owe it all to you guys. I needed so badly to get out of there. And the big city was the perfect place to come. Here I learned how to cook real food, and how to keep my dishes washed ALWAYS, and how to make my bed every morning. Here I learned how to be part of a family, and how not to rely Solly on a bunch of 19 year olds'. Here I learned how to be brave at 11 o'clock at night in down town, and how to be brave at 11 o'clock in the morning when things just aren't going great. Here I learned how I just can't do it alone. here I learned how to be who I am, and how to get over Cody. I learned how to open my heart and be loved. And how to give love. Here is where I grew up and stopped being a teenager. So thank you for being here to hold my hand, to kick my butt, and to give me that shoulder to cry on. All of you are why I'm ready to go back, and start my life again.

It will be different this time. This time I go armed. I won't be hanging out with Cody, I won't be living with Laura. I won't be working 7 days a week, and I wont be spending my free time saving any body.

I will go to Institute once a week. I will Go to Church every week. I will spend a few nights with Laura, and Matea, and Liz and Kenny! I will work a job I love. and I will save up money to payoff my Loan. I will live with a bunch of strong girls, and I will remember my Heavenly father. I will start at the college in the fall, and soon go to the University. I will Challenge myself, and push myself.

I know that some of you may think this is a bad idea. I wish you could see the fire in my eyes. I have never been so ready for something. Heavenly Father thinks it's the right thing, so if you don't like it take it up with him!

Thank you all of you.

The Date Factor

I haven't truly dated a ton in my time. I have been on a few here and there, and a few strapping young men have tried to win my heart. But for the most part I am inexperienced. SO it seems that when it come to men trying to win my heart, I often am oblivious.

My first official boy friend took a long time to ask me out. Not for lack of trying. The first time he tried I got distracted and yelled at Laura to "come here!". In my defence I had no clue he was asking me to be his girlfriend. His second attempt was on our way to drop off a bunch of friends. He got out of the van, and since I liked him I got out to give him a hug. and just as he was about to say "Cathy would you go out with me?" I whipped around and jumped into the Van, slamming the door on his face. Poor boy, no wonder he was so frustrated with me!

The second guy I ever seriously considered dating was Nolan. And after a year of friendship, I was positive that that's all we were bound to be. But one sunny day, He called me.

N-Hey what are you up to?

Me- Not much just chillin with Laura.

N- Oh cool, did you want to come to a movie with me?

Me- Um what movie?
N- Price Caspian

Me Laura, did you want to come see Prince Caspian with me and Nolan? (she said yes) Ok Nolan me and Laura will come!

N- oh um I...../ok I'[ll pick you guys up in 15.

Me- Ok see ya!

We got to the theater and met up with his friends, that were all sitting in couples. I then realized I invited my best friend to a date with my dream guy!

And just like every other guy I ever seriously considered dating, I also screwed the first date up with Kenny.

We chatted for along time Sunday, and so when he needed to go, i quickly added in a "Hey are you coming to FHE? we could hang out again."

"Sure, I'll be there! if I can find a way in."

yes I scored a time with just me and him! No Matea, or anyone we knew. After he signed off, Matea signed on. Soon convincing me that it would be pretty much impossible for him to come in, since he had no car. So Monday came, and me and laura went to the 7 showing of "slumdog Millionaire". i got out and realized I had missed FHE. but it was ok I highly doubted he would make it in.

Tuesday morning I got a Facebook message.

"I waited for you! where were you??"

OH NO!

It trun's out he had got his parents car, and drove all the way in, just to hang out with me. I felt like a total douche bag! after many apologies, we got back to the flirting, and talking. suddenly Matea pops up.

"So Kenny told me you stood him up!"

crap. well the curse continues. good thing he is a forgiving soul, and decided not to hold this against me!

One Down

Still in the Bridge.
Loving Life. wow didn't see that coming.

Events:

Thursday:

So it was time to spend to much money, and have to much fun, with my girls. And thats just what we did, the stagette was fun. There was a lot of food, a little ABBA, a lot of sex talk, and even more smiles. Its been along time since I have been in a room with the 4 girls I consider my best friends. I miss them, every sick perverted joke, every insane laugh, every loving word. It was fun. and not to mention my long term crush Andrew P lives up stairs so It was nice to chat with him. The first part of my day was just me and liz, I truly love Liz. I can't be more happy that she found her one. We wrapped up around midnight, and I went to Will's and lauras to crash on their couch (which was vacuumed!)


Friday:
It started with Friday Forum. Which is by far my most favorite church activity. Matea came and got me, and broke the news to me. A boy was asking me to the sweethearts dance that night!

Brad showed up with a rose (which he does every V-Day) and after giving me a hug, I asked, "So Brad, who are you taking to the dance?" he replied, "you, if you want to go with me."

Ah Brad, I do love him. Brad is Matea's ex, he is like a little sister to me. So the date wasn't a big thing. But we had fun! The rest of the day was filled with wandering enemy territory (aka The college/Cody's domain) and getting super hot for my Date.

Brad took me to moxies, we had a blast. And not to mention the best open faced Tuscany chicken sandwich I had ever tasted!

Then came the dance, It was at the University. It's always a different experience to go to a dance with a date. First off you always have someone to dance with, second off people ask questions. It was extra fun! we met up with matea and dance away.

and then....
I saw him....
Right there. I front of me. Watching me. Cody.

I grabbed Matea.....while spitting out all kinds of things that you shouldn't say at a Mormon dance. I was freaking out, and then I ran to get Brad.
Brad's words were "Your better than that, ignore him."
And thats what I did, soon it wasn't hard at all, to forget he was even there. I danced, took pictures with my date, dance with my date. It was by far the funnest dance I had had in a while.
The last dance Me and Brad headed to the floor, only to end up right next to Cody (that may or may not have been a chance thing.) how ever even standing right next to him, I didn't feel it. That old surge of emotion, that I could just never explain. It was gone, along with every intention I had to talk to him. The music stopped, I left with brad. I went to bed. And didn't think about Cody all night. Wow, I did it. I grew up, I got over Cody.

Saturday:

The Big was upon us. We had to be at the temple at 10. When She came out with Eldon, I wanted to cry. She was so beautiful, so happy. I had never seen her like that before. The day was great, I spent it with all the people I love. And saw one of them find the one she loved.
After the wedding Matea Brad and I had plans to see "Coraline". These plans soon came to involve Kenny. Matea's return missionary friend.
So we went to the movie, I sat next to kenny. Part way through he leaned over, "Did you want my jacket? you look cold."
Did a good looking funny boy just offer me his jacket?
Hi God you know this is me right, you just don't let these kinda thing happen to me.
soon he bumped my arm....strange he seemed to be getting closer and closer to me.
Once again, God, are you sure? could this be?
Suddenly it dawned on me. It had been a long time since I had ever felt anything for anyone other than Cody. there was times I turned down people, just because I wasn't interesting.
Was I feeling again? could I like someone again?
The movie was great, but not as good as the realization, that I was not only over Cody, but I was letting my self feel again.
And after laying down in Mateas bed that night, I realized Kenny could just like me back!

Sunday:

I added Kenny on facebook.
Went to church, and heard the Lord loud and clear. For the first time since I left the bridge the lord spoke, and I knew what he was saying.
Went to Laura's, talked to Kenny on Facebook, told laura about how I like someone else. She was grateful for the change of topic.
Hung out with Blake. which always consists of Guitar Hero!


Monday:

Here I sit, changed. I sat here 4 months ago, defeated. I sat here, burdened by the people I now love. I sat here Loving the person that was my largest burden.
Strong was something I never felt in the bridge.
Weak is something I will never feel again.
I feel the lords hand in this trip. He was there holding me back, putting the words into Brads mouth, hugging me, laughing with me. He was there when I watch Liz walk out of the temple. He was there when I put those 3D glasses on and sat next to Kenny. He was there when I fell asleep next to my best friend. He broke my heart, and then showed my how to use him to put it back together, so it would be whole.

Here it goes

Last post before I face my past.

I think I might pee my self when I get to the bridge.

"hey guys! wow I really had to go. um will someone get me a mop.......and possible a new pair of pants? oh and lets leave this part out of Cody's intro to the new awesome me! K!?"

I'm that nervous! I should be ok....I mean even if things don't turn out to be as empowering as I planned.....I bought enough red lipstick, nail polish, and accessories, to at least make it look like someone has been seriously hurt! :) Other than me.

I also have a big enough suitcase that if things start to get a little out of hand, I can hide in it.

I have thought ahead.

ok here I go.......................................

Love Hate with My life

Ok so it's 2 days until I leave to go back to the bridge........not sure If it's good or bad.
I am so excited to see my friends, and to not have to work! however I am not excited about any drama I may encounter.
My life has been, for the most part, drama free since leaving the bridge. But I can just smell the drama, and I haven't even left yet.
So I love that I'm going........But I hate that I'm going.
My biggest fear is Cody.........I assume that he will be the same, and act the same way he did when trying to win Wilbur and Kristy's friendship back. But my assumptions are often wrong. The truth is in 3 months, I have heard him mention me 3 times. So I think my odds are good, but I always think that. The truth is if he is in the same boat as me, I'm not sure what I will do. If he really is just done with me, I don't know how to feel about that. I'm not sure what would be worse, facing him to say good bye forever.....or having things already be ended. wow......and I thought I was over him (do get me wrong I'm done loving him, but I guess I still have some emotional stuff with the idiot.)
Well I guess it will all unfold this weekend....or you know, it won't.

I found it hard to go to church this Sunday, it's way easy to deal with things when you just ignore them. I deal with B being gone, by pretending he's not.... But he is, so walking into a building that he is always in, and he's not is a little off putting. I'm sure eventually I will get over this..... But until then, I will continue to be rather uncomfortable at church. Which is a really different feeling at FP. I have always felt very at home there, so sitting down and feeling out of place was just rather weird.

Aqua-size

Have you ever tried a work out class???

I haven't really, other than yoga(at home) Pilate's(at home) and running(at home) I haven't really done a class.

Last night that all changed.....with Auqa-size.

you know when old people want to get active.....well they turn to aqua-size.

However Aqua-size is not just for the elderly.....It's for cool people to!

So last night my good friend JMaCrae calls me and asks me if I want to go....and since I wanted to do something I agreed.

And let me tell you, it was the most fun I have ever had in a swimming pool!

It started out small, with jogging under in the water. Of course the rhythmic beats of girls just wanna have fun (remixed) really got me excited. the instructor was really into the whole ordeal....and so we pushed on. soon we got to underwater skipping. this to started out small...there was a bit of splashing. but soon she encouraged us to jump big. and since she insisted, I jumped high, and made LARGE slashes while I was at it. It was rather hard to breathe....not because I was getting water in my face( however I did slip on the floor a few times, mostly when I was really in the Aqua-size zone), or even that I was working out hardcore More that I couldn't stop laughing.

there's just something about being surrounded by 400 pound women and 70 year old men, that is just rather funny to me.

After an hour of Aqua-size I was sold, and so was JMaCrae We are doing it every week!

So if anyone is interested in the most enjoyable work out ever, Wednesday nights! I'll bring the comments to yell at the Nazi work out instructor, and you bring neon green sweat band.

Holding out for a hero....

So....apparently all my friends are sell outs! (this only refers to my friends in the bridge). They have all sold their souls the the devil! and returned to being friends with Cody. Good thing I'm a leader and not a follower! ha, if anything it makes me want to hate him just to be unique!

moving on...................................................................

The title of this entry is false. I'm not holding out for a hero, I have nothing to be saved from (chorus of angles) at last. or nothing

<------- this super hero can't take care of! This is mostly an entry to tell everyone I am A OK. (cuz I think my mom was worried). B is leaving tomorrow morning, and I'm ok. He needs this. I also have a clarity of mind, finally. I am not 100% sure about anything in my life at the moment.....but as B has drilled into my head, "Think two steps ahead, take one step forward". And that's what I plan on doing! He should be so proud that I took his advice to heart. lol.

It is finally February, and in just a few weeks I will be 20. wow. 20 is such a good age, I won't be a teenager anymore, not that I have really ever been a teenager, ever. well minus that one year of stupidity! Today at work I was explaining to my co-workers, about how I enjoy growing old. I can't wait to be 40! then I can brag about everything I've done! and how wise and old I am. I don't see the downs side to aging, except the whole getting to old to wipe myself thing.....I would like to die before that! unfortunately with these genes I can hope to live a long long long life! anyways 20. 20 will be the year I won't be stupid girl. that's my goal for this year. No more stupid girl moves, no more giving my heart to losers (*cough Cody cough cough*) no more wasting money on stupid things (after this month, hey I'm still a teen till march!). And hopefully no more break downs, time to deal with my emotions like a grown up, instead of bottling them all up.

The wedding is getting so close! I have talked about it so much the girls I work with are equally as excited as me! they can't wait for the pictures on facebook. me being smoking hot in my new little black dress and red high heels. ah two phrases that bring the hot out of every girl! even though I am sure it will be a dramatic weekend, I would like to think I am to mature for the drama I will be faced with......and who knows maybe I am. I guess we will find out!

I have realized I do have friends in the big city. Funny thing is, in the midst of my favorite one leaving, they all come out of the wood work. I never have enough faith for the guy up stairs......add that to the list of things to do, after turning 20. Anyways I look forward to getting to know all these friends, I have realized I have.....and hopefully one of them will be that super stud me and T are on the look out for. (not that T needs a super stud, she's just really supportive of my efforts to be married one day!)

I just bought the new Taylor Swift CD Fearless. It is really good, especially on a day like today, when I feel so fearless. I highly recommend it to you all bloggers. take a moment to listen to a sweet voice, and get a little bit of the fearless bug that seems to be going around!

Fly safe B........see ya in August, when I take my first trip off the Continent.