Monday, October 6, 2008

This is what I feel

I had a lot of time on my hands this past week. For thinking, Improving, and remembering. Even though I think it may seem I have locked my self away in my room, I haven't I just need this time to get back to the way I once was..... alone.
This is the best decision I have ever made. Not a regret in my mind.
so heres a few things I feel and a few thing I have learned this week.

Feelings:
1. I truly miss my old life, I look at pictures of the people that loved me for so long, and almost cry. But watching them from afar has been one of the most earth shattering event in my life. They are the same with out me. I don't need to hold them together, they are them without me. And I am me without them. Heavenly Father knows whats best. I trust that they will be alright without me. I'm forever renouncing my mother roll with them, I'm letting go of my control. And picking up the reigns of my own life.

2. Cody is so wrong for me in every way. It is so easy to not be blinded when I am miles away. Finally I'm not lost in a maze that he has left for me to walk through alone. At last I can see my future, and for once I can be happy without him.

3. For along time my Grandma has been sick, but soon she will be in a better place. And as she gets worse and worse, my faith shines through. I'm so excited for her to be in the arms of the people that she loves. I'm so happy that she can look in to the man she loves eyes. I'm am over joyed that she can hold her mom and dad, and her daughter in law, her grandson, the babies that are to come into our family. But most importantly I'm humbled that after all this time she will be with her heavenly father......life is a miracle, every breath, every moment. I am so greatful to have Her in my life, she will always be in my heart.

4. At the end of last month I felt like I had lost my courage, i was beaten and torn down. the beginning of this month is so different I can't even explain it. The deepest pit is reached by light some where.

I learned this week:
- That its in the Lords time not mine
- The family is stronger than friendship
- children, no matter how much time they spend screaming, have a beautiful innocence in them, something that seems to be missing in the grown up world.
- Job hunting is still frustrating
- TV can suck your life away
- Music can still bring beauty into moments when you want to cry
- friends can make you smile no matter how far away they are
- running give off amazing endorphins!
- inner beauty shines out.
- you never know how much you have touched a life until their gone, and vice versa.

1 comment:

Bobbi-Jo said...

Wow. I wish I had such insight and maturity at that age. You are such a strong person - you'll do well in this life! Keep your faith and keep being strong. You really seem to have a good head on your shoulders :)