Thursday, October 2, 2008

A new kinda thinking

I have spent the past 6 days in this weird place. A place between my old life and my new. kinda like I was on a vacation, from life. I now have realized this vacation, it doesn't end. Having the mother of all colds didn't help much either. The first 2 days of my new life, I was so sick i felt that I was going to die. ( note to the readers: I am a wimp and can't handle sickness, I don't get sick much, so when I do it's always WAY bad.) While laying in my bed trying to find a way to blow enough snot out of my nose to take just one tiny breath, I didn't have a lot to think about. So natural the thing that encompasses my mind the most, is what continued to do so.
how much i love Cody
how much I miss Cody
everything shes doing wrong
everything shes doing to Will
The list goes on i think you get it. I spent the first few days in almost break down form. Sick, stressed, and ready to run back to my old life. Last night was bad. I semi got into a fight with Cody. Then I wanted Laura's help but instead of giving the advice i asked for, she just went to hang out with him. This drove me crazy, I WASN"T IN CONTROL! and i had no way of being in control. I stayed up way late, rolling it around in my head, I was so heart broken I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to go home!
And then I figured it out. How am I to ever change all the things I need to change, if I'm thinking about the past. If I'm trying to control things that have nothing to do with me. AND if I'm spending all of my energy on controlling Cody, and Laura, what energy do I have left for changing me. The whole reason i left there was to change me, not them. So here's a new kind of thinking. From now on its about me.
First step: setting goals
Second step: push my comfort zone
third step: make new friends
fourth step: never look back
So here I go to a better life!

1 comment:

Marilee said...

You figured it out right my wonderful daughter...forge ahead, and don't go backwards. Appreciate what you have learned from the past experiences, but don't dwell there...look forward with faith that HE knows what is best for you - if you will let him bless you.