Saturday, December 13, 2008

face the facts

so today marks the 5 day mark until I make the bus ride home to the bridge/hometown. I am excited for about a million reasons some being:
-I will get to see my bestest of friends that I haven't seen in two months.
-I get to see Elder Fox, who will be home from Idaho.
-I will get to spend Christmas with my other mother, who I miss.
-I get to hit up all my high school hang outs, including Dairy Queen and the temple grounds.
-I may or may not see the man I wanted to marry, who moved to Ontario.
-I will be receiving presents, which is always nice.
-foods always better at the holidays.
-I don't have to go to work for a week!!!
-I don't have to stress about Cody, and what will happen this time with us, cuz there is no us.

I am also nervous for a million reason, some being:
-I may or may not run into Cody, and since we are on the out, and since he has the maturity level of a 8 year old, it might get ackward.
-I may or may not run into the man that I wanted to marry, who moved to Ontario.
-I get to see Elder fox, who will be back from his mission in Idaho, who will also be different, and potentially judgemental.
-I may be a little over whelmed by the bridge.....I was last time. still don't know if I'm ready for that again.

but regardless of the facts, I am going. I am excited, and horrified, but I'm going.

I realized something today.....
I had a little situation in my house. My roomie Sam left her dog unattended in the backyard, for 3 days. on the coldest 3 days of the year in the big city. with no food. So since I tend to get worked up easily, with little convincing from my other roomies, who have put up with this kinda stuff from her for a while, I told her if she didn't come get in in 4 hours, it would be taken to the SPCA.

Now that seemed logical, leave your dog in the cold with no food for 3 days, it get taken away.

Then she called me crying.

Then I felt like a jerk.

Then she came home, and packed all her stuff, and told me not to speak to her. and then she left. And then I felt like a huger jerk.

BG called today in the middle of this.
his summery of the story was this.
"Your life is like really dramatic all the time."
If he only knew the half of it.
this how ever annoyed me. My life since leaving the bridge is 100% less dramatic. But still, did I create a situation that didn't need to happen, because I like drama?
I had to stop and ask myself. Was I the kind of person who likes having drama in my life. I always have my fare share of it, but I always thought it found me. But maybe I find it.
This was a sad realization, I don't want to be the girl who seeks drama out in her life.
This one comment in our half hour conversation is really the only thing that stuck out to me, even amongst all the rest we discussed, this was the only thing he said that was like "wow".
So from now on I'm keeping a look out for Drama. I did realize after my reflection period, that I totally created a situation that was dramatic. and I hated it. I feel so bad that she got hurt. When I thought I was just doing it to help a dog, who spent the last 2 nights foodless and cold. I guess from now on I will look at both sides before making rash decisions.

This weekend is the weekend all my roomies move out. Yesterday Shona left, and tomorrow Arianna and Court, leave. It is rather sad, I grew to love these girls. we had some fun times in the past month. But i'm sure I will have some good times with my new roomies.
I have been left as head of the house, but after more thoughtful thinking time, and some loud comments from my step father in the background of my conversation with my mother. I have realized that I don't really have a desire to be the head of the house. and so I plan on passing it to my roomie Naomi. who I A) trust and B) know will be more than happy to take over.
I came to the city to work on my issues......well this is my chance to give up some control. Which is hard for a control freak like me. But she can handle it and I don't want to.

Still haven't hear back from the Peru people. I'm kind of on the fence about this one. I guess once I know if I can go or not, I will have some serious thinking and praying to do. I know when my mom reads this she will be saying "YES! i did get through to her, she might not go to a foreign country!" well have no fear mom, your logic may stop me from taking off so soon, but it wont stop me from taking off! lol. I might just have to wait a year to turn 21 and then I'll try Romania instead.

well I guess thats it. 5 more days until i'm home sweet home bound. and it couldn't come soon enough.
Good Bye old roomies it been fun.

1 comment:

Marilee said...

Yes, you are right - you should think about waiting for a year or so until the "right" opportunity for a volunteer vacation comes around. I think you are trying to push this too fast instead of preparing yourself for when it is supposed to happen. I'll keep looking into opportunities on this end. But in the meantime, why not volunteer at the SPCA to love some puppies, or help babysit at the local woman's shelter - you don't have to help some homeless bums - there are lots of other things to do too. Calgary is FULL of people who need your love and creativity. You may be amazed what kinds of opportunities could spring from starting at home...ask your Bishop if there is someone in his home ward that could use your help. Talk to Uncle Jeff - he knows everybody. The world will always be there waiting for you to come and explore - don't feel like you have to do it all right now - please. And Tim agrees with me too. Love you...always. Mom.