Fathers Perspective

This painting was started by my Father before he passed away. I finished it last night. It's come a long way from where he left it, but every thing worked out just the way I think he would want it.

"Father's Perspective"
Ted Coppin & Cathy Coppin

Sunday

Today I went to the boys house. On Sunday nights we usually watch movies all together. Some nights are better than others, but I usually go every Sunday.
Today we watched "Yes Man".
Good movie, Jim Carey is crazy but I love him.
After the movie ended I realized it may have changed me. Sad that a comedy film could change me.
I am that person the "No Man".
The one who says no because I am afraid to get hurt. I am afraid to let people into my life. Because they will leave and then I will be hurt. So for a whole summer I said no. No I don't want to do that, no I don't want to hangout with you. I made excuses that sounded like "I'm tired" "I'm sick" "I'm having a bad day" "I lost my phone". When what I was really trying to say was "I'm afraid to get close to you, because people always leave".
Wow.
Huh.
So now I know the problem.
I feel alone not because I am, but because it is easier to feel like this then to lose some one else.
Well I'm just going to have to get over that.
I have spent to much time trying to fix myself to just let that be that.
So I am going to take a leaf out of "Carls" book. And start saying yes even when I don't want to. And hopefully I will end up the way he did.
Full of life and not afraid to let people in.

Friday

Ok I have stared I think eleven blog post in the past week. Not one of them made the cut.
This being a pretty crappy summer for me, has made blogging a bit depressing. I swear if I had posted all the depressing paragraphs I have written in the past month, you all would be looking for a razor blade. I may have turned my whole family/readers in to emos.........that would have been a horrible thing to do to society.
But in case you can't guess, today I feel good.
So today on this almost sunny Friday in August I am going to post something happy on this blog.
So here it goes........

Cathy's Top 3 funnest moments of her crappy summer.

1. Synchronized Crying
Normally if my room mate was balling on her bed, I wouldn't really think there was anything funny about that. But when you are also laying on your bed balling and both of you are on the phones balling to your Mom's, and your other room mate is running back and forth from room to room trying to comfort each of you, It gets a little funny. Talk about gong show.
"And then he said well maybe we should take a break"
"I just don't understand why things turned out like this"
And poor little Leah standing in the middle thinking "Why didn't I stay out an hour longer!"


2. Terror at the lake.
In one of their many efforts to cheer me up, T and SAB decided that a day on the lake would do me good. Which it did, but you can't have a funny moment post with out adding this little traumatic moment in my life. I mean look at my face, that look makes me want to pee my pants laughing.
Actually I think I may have peed in my pants at this moment! oops.





3. roMANce
one of the funniest events of this summer have been my encounters with men. For some reason it`s just a bit awkward with every guy I talk to.
My best example is Ken. Remember the one I was in love with right before moving back to the bridge? well this is kind of how it is when ever we run into each other.
Me: Hey
Ken: Hey





Long awkward pause...................................................................................................................................
Me: So........Whats new.
Ken: work, ya know.
Me: yeah fun.
Ken ya
Me: ok well BYE!
Then I run like there`s an angry bee after me.
Is it just me or have all the guys I know gotten really awkward since moving back?


There you have it 3 moments that kind of just make me want to laugh.

not your self

Have you ever thought "wow this is so not me"?
Maybe it was when you tried on a new shirt, or maybe you were trying a new food.
How about when you spend time with some one? Do you ever think that the person your with does not let you be who you really are?
I do.
And it wasn't until this morning that I realized it.
I was asleep, and then I got a text message.
"are you mad at me or are you really that busy that I haven't seen you in weeks. And when I did see you, you acted weird. Did I do something?"
I hate that question. If you did some thing to piss me off, trust me you'll hear about it.
I rolled over and let out huge sigh.
more f---ing drama from my past.
Which through me into pondering, why was it that I had become more notorious the past month.
Then I realized it.
I don't enjoy being with my old friends. They have preconceptions of what I should do, or how I should act. And when I am not the way they expect.....they shun it. The real problem is that 3 months ago I was living my own life, if I wanted to hang out with some one I would. If I didn't I wouldn't. If I wanted to act a certain way I could, if I started being the person I really am it was embraced not ignored.
I learnt how to lead a life with out the people of my past. They apparently did not.
I agreed to give up my time to pretend to be what she wants me to be. But I don't think it will be happening much longer.
This is who I am. Get over your self and open your minds up.

On the road

JMaCrae came from the big city to visit.
How I have missed her!!!
She reminds me of what the real world is like. One thing about the bridge is that it isn't the real world. People think and do weird things here. It's hard to explain, but people here think very different than people anywhere else. I guess that's why I have always felt like an outsider here. While everyone is planning their weddings and what colour their kitchen will be, I'm watching documentaries and reading classic literature. I'm trying to understand theories and meanings, their watching the Lion King. Not that there is any thing wrong with that. I was like that for a long time. I'm just not like that anymore. This world has to much to offer, besides the Lion King. I know shocking! I can't just be ok with what I know.
JMaCrae reminds me of who I am. She is a great friend. She's a real person with real problems and real struggles. She has real goals, real ideas, real likes and dislikes. But most of all she is ready to learn.

after high school me and lauraj were suppose to see Canada. Of course it didn't happen. That tends to happen when you mix Lauraj into an idea. She never really wanted the same thing out of the trip as I did. She wanted to go to concerts and be a groupie. I wanted to go to different churches and sit through a mass. I wanted to see the city on the horizon, a city that was ready to explore.I wanted to see the homeless on the streets and give them the box of crackers we just bought. I wanted to see the land marks and see the history. I wanted to learn and explore. She wanted to party. I'm sure that's why it never worked out.

Today I remembered the world is big and interesting. Thank goodness, I can't wait to experience it.

Saturday Afternoon Play List

I'm not even sure what to titles this post.
When Cathy's life changed?
Forgiving the first man in my life?
Spring of emotion?
None of those titles can fully describe the past 5 days, and the things I went through.
I guess I can start at the beginning. That would make the most sense.

After another visit to the Doctor, I had another 2 weeks off of work. That was good and bad news. First off I already had a week off, and two more weeks would leave me broke. But I do love any excuse to not go to the job I hate.

I had been planning to take 2 weeks off this summer anyways. I had planned out a trip to see my Grand mother and other family members, that I had not seen for 6 years. I also planned to gain the closure I had been looking for in regards to my Father.
But with the time off I was going to have to take to heal my foot, I would never be able to afford to take more time off for a vacation.
So Logically I had to go while I had this time off.

That's what I did, Thursday morning I had gotten the Doctors note, Friday morning we left (we being my Mom and I).
I knew this trip was not going to be an easy one. I have spent the greater part of my adult years hating my father. Divorce, adolescence, addiction, and depression were all factors that made our relationship go bad. But mostly I think it was because I needed some one to blame, for taking my family away. For making me act like an adult and taking my care free childish out look away. He was an easy target.

Five years ago he got remarried; he then replaced me in his life, with his new wife and step daughter. That probably was the most hurtful thing that he ever did to me. He gave up on me and loved her. I then formed a new burden to carry around, a new dislike for his wife and the little girl that took my spot in my Fathers heart.
Four years ago he passed away. I can remember the day my Mom told me he was gone. It's like a scene from a well watched movie. I had been watching a documentary on TV about monkeys with my friend Mel. We were house sitting for a women who was basically our Mom. I heard the dog bark and got up to see who was coming to the door. When I saw my Mom at the door, my first thought was "oh no Grandma Shipley". Only weeks before when I was watching my Grandma she went into a diabetic coma. I almost lost her, but thanks to one of the many lessons my Mom had taught me, I called the ambulance.
It was completely shocking when she told me my Dad had died. I didn't even know he was sick. I remember hugging her while she cried. I stared into the distance and felt a strange peace. I felt guilty for a while that I was not sad. But eventually my friends helped me see that he had only even caused me stress. I never went to his funeral. I had lost my Father long before that day.
Then I moved on with my life.
It wasn't until I moved to the big city that I ever felt him in my life again. During yet another stressful night, of trying to decide what to do with my life, my uncle brought it up.
"Cathy" he said.
"have you taken the time to forgive your Father?"
I hadn't really thought about it. Four years had passed and I no longer hated him. The more I grew up the better I could understand why he had been the way he was. Pain and hurt didn't blind and bias me any longer.
I took what my uncle said to heart, that night I spent hours on my knees. Praying that I would be able to fully let go of my childhood pains and forgive my Father. After that night I felt I had forgiven him.
But it soon became clear that I needed more than forgive him. I needed forgiveness and closure. The only place I could get that, was the only place I wanted to avoid.
The big city made me strong. Stronger than I had ever been.
So all this brought me to an eight hour long drive and the one place that held all my pain.

The day we got there, we went to see my step mom.
I was frightened beyond words. This women had been with my Dad when I hated him the most. When I had said some completely horrid and angry things to him. When I stopped speaking to him, when I didn't go to his wedding or funeral.
I thought she hated me for what I had done to him.
She didn't.
In fact she knew that one day I would come around. She was amazing. That conversation changed my life.
I sat on the motel bed afterwards, and was silent. This weight had lifted off my shoulders, this weight that I had carried for 12 years. It still hasn't come back.

We got ready to go to bed, My foot was in so much pain that day. Mom prayed, she asked for my foot to begin to heal and for the infection to leave. I remember the last thought that came into my mind that night as I fell asleep, be still the Lord God is with you.
The next morning my foot was no longer infected and the wound was practically healed.
She said it was because I had gotten rid of all those built up feelings. I'm sure that's partly it. I think mostly it was someone else.

The rest of the time I spent there was easy. Awkward, but easy. I managed to not cry again. That's more than I can say for my Mom though. I had the chance to let in the family that I had forced out so long ago. Some were a little more eager than others.
My Grandma was still the way she had always been. she was still the only person who could make you eat so much you'd burst unwillingly, all the while talking non stop.
My Uncles were what I expected, just a little older.......and both strangely resembled my Grand Father.

I'm still the same person I was, when I got into that car and started driving. I have just let go and become a little stronger. I just believe in my self a little more. I just feel a little more loved. But more importantly, I have a father to be proud of. Not to hate, recent, or even ignore. A father that loved me even when I said hurtful things. A fathers love. something I have spent 20 years without. That means so much to me.
I also found a faith I never knew I was capable of. One that had the power to physically and emotionally heal me.
So all in all I am grateful for how hard things once were for me. I'm grateful to have spent so long with out this feeling of love. I don't blame anyone any more. Not my Father, or my Mother, and especially not me. In the end every one found happiness. First my Father with his wife Joyce. Then my Mother with Tim. And now me with my Heavenly Father.

lost track of the days

It's the 24th and I have only posted once this month.
Wow
That never happens.
I guess I can tell you about life!

First off Kam got a boyfriend. It's all very romantic and happy.....for her. For those of us who don't have a boyfriend it's 30% exciting 20% horrible (because we don't have a boyfriend) and 50% repetitive. I'm super happy that she is happy, but I swear if I hear that sigh followed by "Guys my boyfriend is SO amazing" I'm going to drink a bottle of bleach!
It's self fish.....I am aware of this. But I'm only human!

I recently Had to go to the hospital. I fell on the side walk, and despite all of my painful efforts to keep the large opening on my foot from getting infected, it did. So Saturday morning my roomie rushed me to the ER, where a very funny good looking Dr. fixed my foot...........well not really. I mean he prescribed me the drugs to fix my foot, and the pain killers. The rest was up to me. But this injury has been a trial. Not only has it been intensely painful, but I also had to miss 8 days of work, because I couldn't really walk. But on the positive, the 8 days I took off, aloud me to spend time with one of Kam's Best friends. Leah Ray, who I love. We had lots of fun together.

I got my Class schedule for my first semester in the Journalism. I have 10 classes! And I thought I had a lot when I signed up for 4 classes in one semester. I for see myself being over tired, over worked, and broke by the end of this year. But it will be worth it......If I have to survive off of Kraft dinner and Presidents choice brand corn flakes for the next two years, it will be alright with me. It's much better then spending an eternity ring groceries through a till, and arguing with people over the price of olives. Give me 4 am paper writing any day over that!

Lauraj and Will broke up.....he cheated. She moved to Cardston and in a few weeks she will be on her way to Ontario. To figure out what she wants to do with her life.....and live off her parents. I'm glad she's going, the girl she's been for the past year is not who she is. I hope that she finds herself, it's hard work. But I'm a living testament that it can happen!

I attended by far the greatest LDS singles Dance ever to happen last Friday. The music was great, not a single cotton eyed joe, or little mermaid remix in sight. It was held out side so that hot sweaty factor was cut out completely.......it's always nice to dance with boys that don't smell like they just ran a 10k. I danced slows songs with boys. nothing to be overly excited about, they are boys but not those kind of boys.
Robert was the first to ask me to dance, we talked about how everyone thinks he looks much older than 19 and he spit in my face at least 4 time while talking to me. which is horrid, what are you suppose to do when that happens? I can't just wipe the spit off my face! that would hurt his feelings, and backing up defiantly wasn't an option with this dance. So I endured the shower and ran after the song was over.
Other than Robert there was a horrible attempt at waltzing with Nolan, a very awkward dance lesson with Ken, and a dance with brad (who might as well be a girl). But despite the lack of romance it was an excellent dance.

Other than these few topics, life has been rather uneventful. I me for me it's a blast, but I'm not sure the latest news on top model is really what everyone wants to read about.
So for now thats all. Hopefully I can get it together enough to post at least once a week! I leave with one of my all time favorite songs, sung by one of my all time favourite singers. It fits my mood of the last month or so.