Monday, August 24, 2009

Summer time in the bridge

So my last post got a lot of comments. Man am I popular! B asked "what have you been up to this summer?" and so because you asked I will tell you! If you had asked what laundry soap I use I would have told you all about Gain--Apple tango Mango. Which I first used a T's and now want to bath in! anyways the summer.

This has been one of the most trying years of my life. This summer wasn't any exseption. But even though I went through some very low times this summer, it hasn't all been bad.

The first month was a good month. I got excepted in to the Journalism program at the local college. That was a dream come true. I have spent two years trying to figure out what it was I wanted to do with my life. When I figured it out, I had to prove I was right for the job. I wrote an essay explaining my passion for writing and current events. It was good enough, I was good enough, to get in. That was a HUGE ego boost.

Things started to go down hill after that.

I was working at Sobeys. I have always been a person who has to enjoy their work place. It highly effects how I deal with things. I have always hated that job, and it was no different this time. that knocked me down a notch or two.

Then I made the decision to go to a family ward for the summer. After making this decision, I made some friends. But was already roped into a calling in family ward, teaching primary. When I decided not to ditch my calling, it was really hard to leave those friends. I was blessed with some of the most difficult children in the primary. Every week going to church became a trail, instead of blessing. Which put a HUGE strain on my testimony.

So to recap---Hate my Job, Not much of a testimony.

Then I lost the only friend I had made in the bridge to her new Boyfriend. That was hard. I had pretty much cut my old friends out of life. Laura had moved to Ontario, and every body else had their own lives. I was very alone. The only people I new I had was T and SAB. They were two hours away. That was to far. I felt really alone.

All this time I had been talking to people about my Dad. I got a hold of an old friend of his. I asked him to tell me everything he could about my Dad. I talked to my Mom. I talked to HF. I was ready to heal. I wanted to be able to love him. I needed to to know who he was, to do that.

Then I got hurt. I was highly drugged for the first week. I was in so much pain. I couldn't really walk, I had to just lay there with my huge massive swollen foot in the air. With a nice Oxycontin buzz, the only drug that would even put a dent in the pain I felt. I had to take 3 weeks off work, it wasn't really a good time at all. That injury pretty much broke then bank. I didn't have a dime to my name, and was getting really tired of asking for help.

Then came the trip to Saskatchewan that changed my life. I posted about that already. So if you don't know then go back a bit and read my entry about it.

I got home, and even though I had forgiven him. And even pieced together enough of his life to know him, and love him. I was plunged in to a really bad depression.
Once I got rid of the hate for him, I had to deal with loosing him. That might have been harder than hating him forever. I spent a month after I got back sad. Crying, withdrawing myself from my friends. I never thought it would be so hard to deal with losing him. But it was.

All this time my Mom had been here, but for some reason I found it nearly impossible to open up to her. I haven't been able to share emotions the same since letting go of he who must not be named. So when I tried to tell her about how I was really feeling, I couldn't. I just couldn't, I physically couldn't get the words out of my mouth.

So I was alone, in a job I hate, hurt, dealing with losing my father, not a good place with my testimony, and not able to express my emotions.

I really did nothing this summer, but sit in my house and be extremely sad.
I know what a depressing summer right?

But it wasn't all bad.
T forced me to have a little fun. I spent a night with her kids. That was the best day of my whole summer. To see those kids for just a few hours. She took me on the lake, I tubed, and SAB let me drive the boat. I went to one really good YSA dance. I spent a few good nights watching Gilmore Girls with my Mom. I finally can say I love my Dad. I finished a painting. I read a few books. Spent some time with JMaCrea. I had great land lord to give me food when I had none, and ask me to watch their kids so I could make a few buck.

It wasn't until I got my new job at Reitmans that my life felt a little less horrible. So even though I still have most of the same problems as I did two weeks ago, at least I have a good job.

Now I'm sure you might ask, "Well if your life has been so hard since you got to the bridge, then why do you stay there?".
My answer to that, is that these problems have nothing to do with being in the bridge. They have to do with me. I was told I need to come back to the bridge. And even after all of this I still believe it was the right decision.
Life is about growth. That's what I have been doing. Your life can't be happy all the time. Some times you have to feel alone, some times you loose someone you love, some times you have to work a crappy job, that's life.
As long as you have a plan to make things better, they will get better.

Once I'm back in school, I won't have time to be alone. I have 10 classes! I go back to singles ward in a week, then I can put the time into my testimony, not my primary lessons. I'm getting better at opening up again. I try really hard. That's all I can do on that one try.
As for my Father, it might take months or even years, until that pain goes away. I know that, I will let myself take it's time to heal. I'm not in a rush, there's no shame in being sad after loosing your Father. There's only shame if you let the sadness stop you from living.

Wow. I know Drama. lol
So that was my summer. It was hard, but I am grateful for it. The hard things in my life have shaped me into an amazing person. This will do the same. Things always get better after they get bad.


Tiffany said...

Yes my are an AMAZING person!

SAB said...

I agree with T... you really are an amazing person. This summer has been a lot of 'big' stuff for you I know. But you are still here... still learning, growing, progressing. We may be 2 hours away... but it's still just a phone call.

Take care..