It's funny how things pass.
I thought my 21 year old problems would be the end of me.
Now I see that my 21 year old problems are just the sand paper of my life.
lessons learned, egos put aside, and hard feeling buried for good, this has been an ok year.
I mean yes it was pretty shitty. But I learned some life lessons.

I learned how to fall in love, and to fall out of it.

I learned how to work at relationships, I learned the value of friendships.

I learned that sometimes things are hard. That's just the way it is.
And any one who thinks life is always suppose to be up, is completely stupid. Because with out the downs there would be no ups.

I learned that people often don't mean to hurt you. But they do because they are just human.

I've learned that the little things, like spending an hour with the cutest baby on earth, or taking the dogs for  a walk, can mean more than the big things.

I've learned that forgiveness is really freeing.

I've learned that you can follow you heart, or you can follow your head, it doesn't matter down both paths there will be something unexpected.

Nothing is fair, and watching thing be handed to those around you is often discouraging. But earning what you have, and what you want is really the best feeling.

I have learned that often what looks like love, is usually two lonely people hoping to find love. And that just because you want to meet the love of your life doesn't mean they are right in front of your eyes. But I still believe it's worth the wait.

I'm 50/50 on wither I think psychics are full of shit or the tellers of my future. It's been about 4 months and love hasn't happened......and she said it was right around the corner. But then again that corner could have been pretty far away.

I guess looking back this year hasn't been all that bad. I've had people around me who love, value, respect, and admire me always. And I guess even when you hope for so much more, that's all you can really ask for. And that's all you really need.

Happy new year guys. Here's to your family's, your happiness, and your dreams coming true.

Giving Thanks

Oh man, it has been entirely to long since I posted. Okay well Today is THANKSGIVING!!! My personal favorite holiday, because on Thanksgiving my two favorite things are brought together. Food, and Family. The double F's in life. However this year there is no family.....but I insisted there be food! And not just food, real Thanksgiving food! So I set out on my first attempt to make a real thanksgiving dinner.

First off why do they not sell precooked turkey slices on TG? ummm not everyone has time/money/skills/need to make a whole TURKEY! So I had to settle for chicken, it's close enough.

Second why the crap are pumpkin pies so gross looking. I went to Safeway looking for the monster of all pies, I mean a real beauty. I found the opposite. small, flimsy, gross crust, sad sad pies. But they were the only ones so I settled....It still tastes amazing, it just looks off.

I got home and realized I have no clue how to make half of the stuff I needed. Gravy? Yams? I'm at a loss....Luckily my iphone (even though recouping from a recent bad encounter with the toilet) can solve anything.  SO I began the food making process. And in the end I was proud of the results.

Okay okay so the marshmallows are a bit over cooked.......Give me a break would you! Other wise I think this dish gets and +A!! Happy Thanksgiving Family,Friends, and Fellow bloggers. I'm thankful for everyone of you! And especially the ones who get late night calls, and help me think logically. I love you all.

52 Weeks

Welcome to my new Goal. 52 weeks, 52 pictures. The 365 was a little much, but one photo in 7 days I think I can handle that. Plus less photo's mean I have more time to put some emotion/thought into them.

Today is week one.
Monday September 13, 2010.

Bryan's sister has 3 amazing dogs. Jane is the oldest, I think she is 14ish give or take a few years. She hasn't been doing to well the past couple of nights. After discovering she has an enlarged heart, her lungs filled with fluid. She spent a night or two at the vet and is now home recovering. Jane means the world to us all. Shes family. We love you Janer!

Stay tuned for week twos photo. And keep an eye out for my currently under construction Photography website "Art@heart By: Cathy Coppin" 

12:47

I feel like things are going backwards.
not every thing just you.
Don't you rememeber?
The way things were.
I do.
Awful.
thats it.
The way things were.
Don't you recall?
everything was bad, and it was mainly becasue of you.
I will not go backwards.
If your going that way I hope you can go it alone.
It might be harder to for me to let you do it on your own.
But I'm willing to give it a try.
At last.
Peace.
Is what I want.
The time has come, to walk my own path and to let you walk yours.
I hope they cross, and merge, Or run side by side.
But this is my path.
It leads away from her, from your love for her.
It leads away from betrayal, and lust.
I hope I am strong enough to walk it alone.
It won't be forever.
One day I will have someone to share my path.
But I can't walk it with you.
Not Anymore.

Whoop up days

Ok so I have lived in the bridge for a good chunk of time now. Every year they have a fair, rides, food, booths, just all around fun. I have never been before. And after a bit of commotion between Bryan and I, I didn't make it yesterday. So today I went on my day off with M and J from reitmans. I love them!

First I tried my very first elephant ear.... really I have been missing out on heaven for a long time! They are SO good! check on my fair grounds list.

Next I wanted a henna tattoo. After a lap we couldn't see a booth, so we settled for an air brush tattoo. M, J and I all got matching bumble bee tattoos. We are really just that cool! check.

Next it was to the rodeo, where we found ourselves surfing Facebook instead of watching the rodeo. It was lame, we gladly made a nice lie up to M's friend who we went to watch and made our way back to the fair grounds!

Once back we got the most massive snow cones and went to the shark encounter. which was basically a bunch of baby sharks, being man handled by some Australian guy....Kind of cruel, kind of lame. Then to the worse reptile tent ever.check check check.

The final Thing I wanted to do was see the psychic. J's mom goes to get a reading every year. The psychic had predicted her brother death, and her step fathers. I have been stuck for a while, and really needed something. Not to mention I have always wanted to go to a psychic.
I walked into her trailer and sat down at a small table. I noticed the mass amounts of crosses and pictures of Jesus all around me. I looked at the older lady, not wearing a bra, cigarette in hand, wild black hair, and I was nervous. I got a palm reading and a card reading. And even though there a many of you out there who are thinking this is such BS. I don't feel that way. Actually I kind of felt the same way when I got my patriarchal blessing.
The lady, Marda, asked me to shuffle the cards and focus on the things that I want answers to. Or direction. I did, I split the deck into four piles. She flipped the first card and said "Your stuck. You have reached a spot in your life and you feel stuck." Chills ran down my spine.
Next card. "Are you close to your Father?" she told me that she feels a closeness between us that is very strong. She said he is near me a lot, and that he was now.
Next card. "You just went through a hard break up. He was very important to you." she told me he was emotionally draining on me. And even though parts of me still loved him that I needed to let him go, because he would never give me what I needed. She mentioned that he holds a great amount of respect for me and thinks very highly of me.
Next card. Love is around the corner for you. She said she felt I had been alone for a long time, and that even though I am young I have experienced a great deal of hardship. She said I was going to find a man to love me soon. That I already know him, that I just needed to get to know him. That he would be a hard worker, and a good guy.
She mentioned that I was going to be taking a trip in the near future, some where with water.
flipped a card. "Your going to be very professional in your work." When I told her what field I was in she said it matched what she saw very well. She flipped another card and told me I would be very successful in my career and be comfortable in my future life. That I would buy a home with the man that I will meet soon, we will have 3 healthy kids and that we will live a long time together. She told me I should live until I was about 82 83ish.
She also told me that I have healing hands. That people feel healed by me. And that I have a bit of psychic in me. She said that I get dreams that come true (which is true), and that the older I get the more often I will get them and the stronger it will become. She mentioned a closeness with my Brother and sister that would never go away. She also told me that I would be attending a funeral soon, but that I was not close with the person.
She said a lot. At times I thought how could she know this about me? And in the end it was worth every penny.
Even if you think it's a load of crap.

Whoop up days HUGE check.

Eat, Pray, Love.

Some times in life you have these moments. You are sitting some where and at that moment you are filled with joy. At that moment you feel like the person you really are, all your flaws and your strengths weave together into one beautiful person. And deep down to your very core you feel that you are at peace.

There are moments in my life where I have felt this. There are also moments I expect to feel this. And even though I have these moments, I still don't feel I know who I am. Do you know who you are? I watched the movie "Eat Pray Love". I went to this movie for three reasons
1. I love Julia Roberts
2. I love movies that take place in exotic locations
3. I knew it would inspire me to get back to finding myself.

Here's some thing I decided in the movie. I know a great deal about myself. I just often feel that I can not be myself to please others. I want to live my life for me. I do believe in a God. My God is different then your God, as your God is different then some body else. To me he means some thing totally different then what he means to you.
God dwells within me, as me. I don't think God is interested in the show. He doesn't want to see me as the perfect church goer. And never really understanding who I am. He loves me. And he wants me to see my self as I am, so I can love myself as much as he does. God doesn't only love and bless people who follow LDS church standards. He sends blessing to each person every day. All I have to do is breathe to get them. And even though at time I feel that being who I am, may appear to be wrong to those that I love the most. I know that God wants me to figure it all out, so that I can be just as at peice with myself as he is.

If there was one word i could pick to describe my very being at this moment it would be..... I wish I knew. I don',t at times I think it would be artistic, but that is just a talent it is not who I am. It is not the word that sums up me. What would your word be? Not an easy question. I started on a journey to find myself, and I have become a little stalled. But then again maybe I just feel stalled and that is holding me back. I am making a promise to myself at this moment. To start to live life. I'm not going to do it by traveling across the world right now. Right now I am going to live my life by learning lessons, loving and sharing every small moment I have. Learning how to draw knowledge from the people around me.

In the end this post is meant for one thing only. To tell you that I am finding out who I am. And that I am not afraid to be who I want to be. That the only approval that is satisfying is your own. And that even though my life seems like nothing special right now, it is, to me.

been there done that

I really want to post. Unfortunately I don't have much to say.

I know you were all waiting to hear about the weekend of weddings. Ok well lets just say after the weekend of the weddings I went to Bryan's house and cried for 15 minutes from exhaustion. This does not mean that I did not enjoy both weddings a lot. I did. by 5pm Sunday night I was so tired I was literally falling apart. My knee was in a tenser bandage, my arm was being bandaged up and my stomach was being pumped fulll of food. As I have no pictures form wedding number two yet, this is all you get.

I love this girl, her baby, and her new man! Love you Mrs. Fox-Walker. Oh and just for emphasis of how much I love this family here is another picture <3

Ok Ok moving on. I finally quit at Reitmans. Not because I don't love it... I do a lot. unfortunately sometimes your happiness has to be dictated by money. and Reitmans is not making me any. Plus the theater isn't that bad. I mean there's free drinks and pop corn on shift, Bryan is there....oh right and the assistant manager is pretty cute! So I am destined to permanently smell like buttered pop corn. I guess it could be worse, I could smell like a deep fryer.


So the Bam Fram Froosh was here for wedding one. You know Lauraj? We have this little joke about how every picture we take together we are matching...Case and point.
Picture one Grade 11 on our way to the Anti-Flag concert, If you cant tell we are both dressed the same and have the same pink in our hair, same necklace......

Picture two LizD's wedding we were in the bridal party (we were the bridal party!)...

Picture three Stephy's wedding....well the trend continues.

BFF's or twins? lol Thank God me and Bryan don't wear matching cloths in our pictures!

Ok well I posted. Maybe next time I will have something to say! Love you Bloggers

Cray Town

I got another job! yeah! It's a bit late but in the case of money I will say, better late than never! I have had two training days at the movie theater this week. It's not so bad, I mean it's not the most glamorous job..... I did have to break down and buy all black shoes, that are definitely ugly but in a cute way. They don't have a whole lot of grip on them so last night I found my feet slowly moving out from under me. And instead of walking I kind of glide around concession. For the most part it might actually be one of the easiest jobs I have ever done. We'll see so far so good.

So the weekend of the weddings is steadfastly approaching. That means a few things.

1. I am going to have to wear a dress and high heels for two days straight......not a big deal. It's not as if though I am a tom boy, but I don't really wear dresses often, I tend to forget you can't move your legs certain ways or sit certain ways. Not to mention Steph's bridesmaids dress is a little snug, so breathing is kind of restricted.

2. I am going to be in front of a camera for two days, not behind one. At first I thought great I would love some new pictures especially ones were everyone is dressed up nice. Then I realized oh I don't get to take any of these pictures. That's sad. So dear photographers if you see me scowling in your direction it's only because I would rather be taking those photos!

3. there's gonna be a lot of driving! I have to go to Calgary and pick up Laura, come home. Drive to the other side of the city for a bachlorette party, come home. Drive all over the city to get my hair done, the ceremony, the pictures, the reception. Then drive to Cochrane. For someone who doesn't drive that's a lot of driving.

All in all the weekend of weddings will be enjoyable, entertaining, and I am sure a little dramatic. I mean I can only stand Nicki for small amounts of time before I am ready to knock a bitch out. Just saying I might have to set her control freak of a self straight a time or two. See you at the weddings.....or you know stay tuned for scenes from them!

U Smile

I think the reason I blog WAY less than I once did is probably because my life is not actually that exciting on a day to day basis. I know what a SHOCKER! But it has been a while since I have done a random things post. So here are a few things that have crossed my mind lately.

1. Have you ever read a post on my blog and thought "wow, why is that the title of this post?" Well that's because about 4 months ago I realized something. It takes to damn long to think up cleaver titles! Since I always listen to music when I write on my blog, I started naming my post the name of the song that is playing when I started writing. It's true, if I started writing this 5 minutes later than I did this post would be called 4th dimensional transition.... it just makes life easier.

2. Many of you know my bestie Bry. We spend a lot of time together. A lot of late nights talking and such. Most of the time he is the one who get super tired first and starts talking weird. It's a result of sleeping pills he takes. The other night, I was on the couch and he was on his lap top. I remember talking but at the time it seemed to make so much more sense.We tend to have our best conversations when we are tired....It might be because we are both to tired to worry about the others feelings.
Bry: "For us spending 36 hours a day together we get along pretty well."
Cathy: "We do spend infant amounts of time together.....there isn't 36 hours in a day."
Bry: "It's weird how well we get along"
Cathy: "Yeah, well it's probably cuz the only time I leave is when you are being a douche."
Bry (I don't think he caught on to the last comment of mine): "It's like the universe made sure we met. You know?"
Cathy: "I think the universe just made it so I can put up with you."
Bry: "No the universe made it so I can put up with....Stupid WARLOCKS!"
Cathy: "We do spend a lot of time together"
Bry: "That's cuz I loooove you and your my best friend"......"Cathy? CATHY!"
Cathy: "......Can we go to sleep yet? I am f-ing tired Bry."

3. Did you know that I can never spell because right when I type? I always spell it right when I am writing it. This is why, in grade 2 my teacher taught me a rhyme to remember how to spell it "Bats Eat Cats And Ugly Snake Eggs". To this day every time I write because I say that in my head. When I type I don't and I spell it wrong EVERY time......sad.

Goodnight Moon

It has been a long 3 months. Possibly the very longest. I had some pretty bad moments, there were plenty of tears shed. I never thought that my life could get any harder than it has been. But it did. Of course it did. Now that I am on the other side of it all, things are looking a lot better.

One night I went to sleep, before I laid down I looked out side and thought "Well, I hope things are really going to be better tomorrow." I went to bed, and the next morning things were different.

The first thing that got better was me. I have had issues with Bryan dating other people for a while. I couldn't figure out how to shake that feeling. You know that heart stabbing, angry, jealous feeling? I shook that feeling. I'm not really sure what changed.....I think it was just me who changed. I now hope he dates other people, it gives me a chance to have a break! I learned a lot from being with Bryan. That is something I don't regret. Bryan helped me find parts of me that I didn't know were there. And parts of me that had been gone for a long time. The most important things he taught me were: Honesty always, forgiveness, and that every one is just human and they need to learn just as much as I do form the situation.

Second thing that got better was my dreams. For a while I felt like I wanted to do nothing. A few days ago I picked up my camera, and went out to take some pictures, to waste time. Three hours later I was finished shooting, editing, and uploading them.  I flipped through them and realized something, I love this. Not just like this LOVE this. I have never in my life felt as good as I do when I am taking pictures. I love everything about it. I don't know what my future holds, but I do know that I will never ever give up photography. It is like a piece of me, that I just discovered.

Third thing to change was my attitude. I have always felt that if you laugh at it, it can't hurt you. At some point in the last three months I forgot to laugh. I honestly woke up a few days ago and realized, all those little things that were building up and destroying me, were actually pretty funny. So I laughed all day long, I laughed at every little thing that was meant to hurt me. Everything that was tearing me apart. You know what there getting better.

Fourth thing that I discovered. Was me. I started on this path to figure out who I really was a while ago. I didn't know me, I didn't know what I could do, who I could love, how I was going to live my life.  I spent a majority of this journey doing things differently than was expected of me. I moved in with a gay guy. I had a real relationship with a boy. I went to college parties, I played flip cup and beer pong. I fell in love with communication arts, and then with photography. I stopped loving a God that I didn't understand, and started looking for one that I do. I learned about all kinds of things. I found a best friend, who yes is often an idiot but who really cares about me. I learned about mental health. I learned about love, lust, and cheating.I learned to be honest always, and that I actually really love comic books movies. I am really happy with how I am living my life right now. And I am sure that my life will continue to change. That's the thing about finding your self. Your never your self very long, before who you are changes again. Things changes always, and continuously.

I know that this won't be the last time my life is going to be hard. I even know that it might be a lot harder. There are a thousand things I haven't lived and don't understand. And I know that I can do it. T and KC might have to save me a few more times. Mom might have to endure a few more phone calls that start like "Mom? *sob sob* every thing is shit! *sob sob sob*". Bryan might have to stay over months on end. Lucky I know they will be there. So ok, thanks for the life lesson God. I look forward to continuing to finding out who I am. Today, tomorrow, and forever.

finally

It felt like it was never coming, but finally things are getting better. And when I feel good, I take pictures!! Ready for the latest batch? You will be, I love them ALL!

I MADE IT!!!!! and now that all the bad is behind me, I'm ready for a future as beautiful as some of these pictures!

Losing you

Do you know what it feels like to lose someone?
How about What it feels like to watch someone slip away, and not be able to do anything?

I am feeling that right now. I have been for months. There is a chance that I could lose my best friend. Every day I watch him get farther and farther into a deep black hole. I have tried everything I can think of to help him. I tried to check him into a hospital,I forced him to see a doctor. I encourage him. I help him in all that he does. I make him laugh and I hold him when he cries. But in the end I am at the same place. Sitting in a hospital chapel waiting for his appointment to be over praying that God will listen to me just this once, and send me someone to help him.

I never thought watching someone slip away would be so hard. I never thought it would force me to face all my fears. It has. And even though I know I am strong enough to do this, at every moment I want to give up. I don't want to be rescued. I want him to get better. I want to see the love in his eyes and know it is here to stay. If one day I do, that's the the day I know I have been strong enough to save my self.

Happy fathers day

So it's fathers day. It's been a long time since this day has really meant anything to me. But I recently have had a change of heart. So today I am not going to say a lot. But enough.

There are a few guys in my life that I love to death. First is my step dad. Even though we don't see eye to eye all the time, you Tim have really been the closest thing to a father I have ever had. I am so greatful or that. Sometimes it's strange to think that somebody can even be close to filling that big hole in my heart. Where a fathers love should be. But in the past 5 years you have done a pretty good job of it. And I love you, even though you drive me crazy!

Second guy is KC. KC you barely even knew me but you knew that I needed someones love. And when things are hard one of the first thing I know will help me through it is a big hug and a few words from you. Since you came into my life you also helped fill a bit of that hole in my heart. And I trurly am grateful fo you. And love you.

Third, is a man that has always been here right from the start. My uncle. Even when I am not making life decisions that I know everyone is proud of, I still see you uncle J as a great man. I am so thankful for the love you have given me my entire life. The guidence and the patience. You have always been the guy who I looked up to. And even though I didn't really have a dad for a large part of my life, you have alway been basically it. Thank you uncle J for loving me.

And last but not least to my real Dad. Even though it took this long to see it, I love you. You were the first and in the end you are my last "Dad". And I miss you everyday.

woman of influence

In my life time there has been a handful of women who have been there for me. Some more than others. Each of which I am grateful for.

Of course there is my Mom, and she knows how much I love her. But this blog post is about a different woman. Who in the past has made some whoopers of mistakes.

I always looked up to her, she was a good Mom a good wife. She still is. I was trying to pattern my life to look similar to hers. Then one day she told us all a big fat secret that definitely took the cake in our family. People made their own decisions about her. People took it personally or they didn't.

I was shocked yes, but this is one special lady. I never had an issues with what she had chosen. I felt bad for those involved, maybe thought she could have gone about it better. But I have been through my share of parental drama, and I know that even though it is hard, it makes you a better stronger person in the end. I still don't have an issues with what she has chosen. Because her choice is an amazing man, who proves time and time again that bad decisions don't make bad people. And because he is to loving to not get the heart of anyone.

I still look up to her. She is so amazingly strong. And once you get an up close and person look at her new relationship you realize that real love is worth the wait. I know that for some the past year and a half has been trying. But it's all about to become official. And I thought this would be a good time to say how I have always felt.

Sometimes it is hard to see past the hurt. Unfortunately we lose a lot when that happens. I should know I recently let my hurt stand in between loving my father, and look where that got me.

T I love you. You have been the soul reason for my survival this year. You never judge, you never lecture(well usually) you just open your arms and love me regardless of how stupid my decisions are. I am proud to have you in my life (and you know that bald guy that hangs around with you a lot). You are my woman of influence, and we are all lucky to have you as part of our lives (even if some don't know it yet)You are the same person in my eyes, just happier and a little more experianced. And I hope everyone else learns that too.
Congrats T and KC. I love you both.

Photo of the day

So remember how I am taking one photo every day for a year?

And how I was going to post all the extras on here? Well turns out I took 165 photos this week. 7 of which made it to print.......well you see 165 is A LOT of photos to upload one by one on here so I have a better idea!

 

So I started myself a Flickr page. If your interested in seeing the photos I pick to publish, and the extras maybe you should stop on by! And you know anything else I decide to through in there......right now having one picture a day is kind of got me busy!

So here's the link........ http://www.flickr.com/photos/21959508@N06/ 

don't click on it for some reason it doesn't work, but if you copy and paste it into your address bar you should be good to go. If not it's on my websites on FB.

Go See and then you know tell me how awesome I am! lol

The sound track of my life

Ok so I got tagged in this so here I go....and if you want to as well here's the instructions.
1. Open your music library.
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For the first question, type the song that’s playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the Next button.
6. Tag other people to do it too!

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

1. Opening Credits: I will posses your heart - Death Cab For Cutie (looking good so far)
2. Waking Up: Disco Heaven -Lady Gaga
3. First Day at School:  The righteous & the wicked - Red hot chili peppers

4. Falling in Love: Jumping rooftops - Angels and Airwaves
5. Losing Virginity: Your song - Harry Connick Jr. 

6. Fight Song: Suck my Kiss - Red hot chili peppers (very good
7. Breaking Up: Breathe- Angels and airwaves
8. Prom: Wear and Tear - Pete Yorn ft Scarlett Johansson
9. Life: Deep -Pearl jam
10. Mental Breakdown: Satellite mind - Metric
11. Driving: When I look at you - Miley Cyrus
12. Flashback:Get buck in here - Akon (ummmm worst flash back song.)
13. Getting Back Together: The Gift - Angels and Airwaves (man they show up a lot in the sound track to my life.)
14. Wedding Night : The Middle - Demi Lovato (the middle of what?)
15. Birth of Child: Hold You in My Arms - Ray LaMontange
16. Final Battle:Dear Blank - Hedley (LAME)
17. Death Scene: Call Home -Wild Lights
18. Funeral Song: Hey - Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Internet dating

Obviously I have a bit of time on my hands lol.
Ok so after all the dirt settled a few months ago, Bryan and I joined a dating site (as a joke) Plenty of Fish. Bryan has had great success with this site. 3 dates and a possible GF now. I however have not had the same luck. Met one nice guy.......got 100 other messages that I wasn't to crazy about.
So I have decided that since I am now a season veteran in online dating I would give you a list of things I have noticed about online dating.

1. Put a picture up. Seriously, no girl wants to agree to talk to someone that she has no clue what they look like. Attach a picture ok, write and tell me about how all your pics are super old just  makes me think you are really ugly. And 85% of the time I will be right.

2. when you do your write up on your profile there are a few things you should note. First, you need to put more than one sentence. I like music is not enough to draw someone in! BUT you can over do it. If I click on your profile and it takes me 15  minutes to get through your write up that's bad as well.

3. DO NOT write about all of your flaws in your write up. If I decide to message you back I hope that I will start to get to know you better. And over the course of messaging hanging out and even dating I hope I will find your flaws out by myself. By this time your good qualities will hopefully out shine the bad. Don't give it all up at the beginning. You may think that is being honest, but really it is asking girls to click away from your page.

4. SPELL THINGS RIGHT! Ok I'm not the best speller in the world. sure I get a few words wrong here and there. But is it really so hard to copy and paste your stuff to a word doc and SPELL CHECK IT! See I personally think inelegance is important in a future partner. So under no circumstances should you spell the words ARE -- r, TO-- 2, YOU-- u, FOR---4. Really hit the two or three extra keys, it will do you a world of good.

5. Putting a picture with animals in it is really a sink or swim kind of situation.
This is a good picture with animals:

This is not a good picture with animals:

Sink or Swim.

6. Dont take a picture of you abs. Your abs may be smoking, but abs aren't the only thing that I will be looking at.

7. You should just know now if you are more than 10 years older than me it's probably pushing it to ask for a date. If you are more than 20 years older than me......just move on.

8. Pick up lines can be a cute funny way to message someone. But remember that this girl doesn't know you at all, so if you pick the wrong on your hooped.
"Your fishing days are over" GOOD. I can message you back.
"If you stick your hand down my pants you will feel real nuts lol" BAD. I tell all my friends about the creepy thing you said, and you PoF days are numbered my friend.
oh and putting lol at the end doesn't make it any less creepy.
9. Maybe try to put a few unique hobbies you have on you profile. I have read these more than I ever want to:
"Outdoors"
"Cars"
"Partying"
"Hanging out"
these things tell me very little about you. Out doors? do you know how much that includes? Cars? do you like looking at them? Do you like hot wheels? I mean come on!

Well I think that's all for now. I know in three days I will have thought of about 70 more! So maybe online dating isn't ideal. But it's always a pick up to get a messages telling you you're a cutie!

Project 365

I realize I am not the first person to do this, but I recently downloaded an app called "Project 365". Basically this app is a calendar that I can organize pictures I take each day on. If you haven't checked them out, there on FB. BUT it turns out when you go out hunting for the perfect picture once a day you get a few more than just one good pictures. If you wanna see the pictures I select for my official picture of the day, go look at my FB page. But I will be posting all the extra pics on here! a blog exclusive you could say. 

It's been a little over a week since I started posting pictures daily. And I now realize this is some thing I hope to do for a long time. So enjoy theses bonuses, and go look at the best one's on Facebook!

Bryan says I have an addiction to taking close up picture of inanimate objects. He is right, but they just look so damn cool! I'll try to broaden my photography horizons! 

rain

it has been raining and gray for about a week now. Usually I am down for a little rain and gloom, but when your spirits aren't very high a constant week of gloom get wary.
I'm ready for summer......bring on the SUN!!!!

Since the weather has gotten me down, I have taken to sarcasm to brighten my day. For a while there I thought I lost my groove, but turns out it just takes extreme stress to get your sarcasm back. That or talking to T, not sure which one maybe a combo of both. But hey did you know I'm funny? It kind of shocked me! I'm learning that making fun of my situation, it makes it a lot better. To bad new joking about Bryan's new GF (yeah I'm sure that relationship is going to work out very well) is kinda touchy. So I'll just do it here where he can't see!

Funny as I sit here typing the sun started shinning. Oh how I have miss you! Moral of this post. Laugh, and pray for sun. It apparently works! Oh no it's gone. Damn.

I actually wanted to talk about TLC in this post. You know TLC, the TV station of reality TV. It seems that just about everyone can have a TV show on TLC. Today me and Bryan are looking forward to watching a new episode of "One great big family". "One great big family" is a show that follows a normal everyday American family during their day to day lives. BUT they are over weight!.........Seriously? you can get a TV show for being fat? And not even like the struggled journey to lose the pounds. Just straight up "My family is over weight, deal with it." Not that I have anything against being over weight.....obviously. Just if they get a TV show I want one too. I promise you I can generate enough drama to draw in an audience.
There is also a show about midgets on TLC.  I find it strange that there are people out there who find watching small people shop for sinks entertaining enough to have more that one episode of.

Ok I'm done, and if I get lucky the sun will stay out!

I hate you. There is a part of me that hates you. Sometimes I hate you so much I can barely keep it together. I don't know why I feel the way I do. Ok? I'm one of the most messed up people you will ever meet. I have issues. But when it comes down to it, I never felt loved by a single male for very long. And no matter how many times you say you love me, no matter how many times you say you will always be here, I don't believe you.

The last thing I want is to be alone. But for some reason I always push, or run away.  Maybe it's because I know the second I find someone who will actually stay, who will put me first, who will love me more than anyone else, he will be able to hurt me. Hurt me more than you, or the boy from last year. More than my Father, or anyone. Once I believe that you actually love me, that's when I am the most vulnerable.

But I know you are not him. how could you be, he would never put me through what you have. You see this is all a test. I do it every time.I make you see how wonderful I am, then I ask you to fight for me. And every time I have been left to fight alone. Maybe I pushed, but if you were the one who would stick around, I could walk out myself and you wouldn't give up.

This maybe a tall order. Or maybe it's not. All I know is the you are not the man who will stay. One day you will find some one else. And being your best friend won't be my job anymore. I just pray that when that happens I have found the one who will stick around. Or I have found my self, and will be able to battle the war alone.

Yes sometimes I hate you, but mostly it's because I know one day you'll leave.

Rain

This morning I woke up to a down poor of rain. Most days I love rain. But when you have to got to work in two hours and the last time you owned anything rain proof was when you were about 10, rain isn't very welcomed. So even though money is tight I thought ok I'll take a cab.

Once at work I realized that my plan for getting home wasn't a for sure. So I texted everyone's favorite boy Bryan. Turns out he made plans with the girl he is now seeing.....again. ok ok I told him I would try. So even though I realized I'd be walking home I tried to not be upset.

Six o'clock came rolling around and it was time to brave the rain. By now the rain had only increased its down poor. So I zipped up the only thing I had the resembled a rain coat, and was off.
I got to the cross walk ten steps from the store and I was already drench from head to toe.
As I walked I thought of all the things I could say to make Bryan feel bad.

I got to about wendy's when I saw another man walking.
He wasn't wearing much a long black shirt and a leather vest. His hair was dripping wet, and he looked like he hadn't eaten in days.
He slowed his passe as he saw me coming. I knew I had two dollars I could give him. He asked me for money. I always give them something.

This might sound dumb but once a long time ago in church someone commented. If a bum came up to Jesus on the street and asked for money, he would give it to him. Even if he knew it was just to buy alcohol. He would hand it to him, shake his hand, tell him he was loved, make that man feel good and go on his way.  Ever since that simple comment was made I have given them something. And I never once regreted it, the look one their face makes it worth being out five dollars.

Any ways I handed him the dollar and then ask "sir are you hungry?"
He was of course. Monika a girl I work with had just sent me with five pieces of hot pizza for my supper. I reached into my purse and gave him the bag. he thanked me and walked on.

Even though I didn't give up much, I did give up something important. I realized that even though I was hurt, and upset that Bryan had ditched me yet again for some girl I wasn't going to let it show. Because a lot worse could be done to me.

I feel humbled, and even though I was freezing by the time I walked home. I have never enjoyed walking home more.

I'm grateful for the rain.

Sensible heart

I write here so little these days I often forget what the last thing I wrote about was. Then again I often forget what the last thing I said was.....so it's not really a shocker.
I guess the thing I miss the most about being a regular blogger, is how it feels to write your life down. It's funny how simply putting a situation into words can organize it and help solve it.

Last night I was trying to kill time, and so I  started to download free apps to my Iphone. unless you have an iphone you have no idea how much time can be wasted by downloading free apps. Last night I went to the astronomy category. Did you know in a past life I was married to a french soldier, who was killed in the war? He was given a medal for his service, but it gave me no comfort. So I started a anti war activist group, but since no one listened to women back then, nothing came of it and I died lonely and angry at the government. The app said "This explains why you are so anti war today." I looked at Bryan, then at my phone then back at Bryan and said, "BRYAN! this app knows about my past lives!!!" He looked at me like I was on crack. Then I read him his past life. He wasn't impressed.

Bry:"I meet a women, get married, and we spend our life together farming?"
Me:"YES! and that explains why you have a desire to find true love!!! see it is so smart!"
Bry:"That is the stupidest thing you have ever said. EVERYONE WANTS TO FIND TRUE LOVE!"

Next was the Tarot card app.
Me: "Bry can I read you your tarot cards?"
Bry: "No."
Me: "Come on!"
Bry: "I"M PLAYING ROCKBAND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Me:"Whatever, you destiny sucks anyways!"

The last one was the hauted house app. Which in a nut shell was just a bunch of pictures of house across the world, with a paragraph write up about why they were haunted.

Me: "Bry, there's this place in Kentucky. It use to be a college, and when it was a priest hung five girls in the basement over the points of a pentagon!"
Bry: "Pentagram.."
Me: "Right! Anyways it says here that the students could hear the screaming of the five girls at night. So they closed the school."
Bry: "Right they closed a 300 year old college down just because there was "screaming" at night. It couldnt be that it was falling down around them"
Me: "Seriously, you are zero fun!"
Bry: "I hope you accidentally get charged for everyone of those stupid apps."
Me: "And I hope you fail this song on rockband."

Henry Nearly Killed Me (It's a Shame)

These past few days I have felt like a new me.
Scratch that. A different me.
I have come to realize that the phrase "New me" is kind of a load of shit.
Your never new, you always have the old in you. You can't just shake it out. Stand on your head and suddenly BOOM! the old is gone.
Nope I am the same girl.
I just have different elements.
I also think that everything you are is already inside of you. Good or bad. It just takes situations to bring those sides out.
So there is no new. There is just me.

It has come to my attention that some of you think things have been ruff because of a boy. Things are not ruff because of a boy. Things are ruff because I am lost. and a boy just happened to know just where to push to break me. New and old me have never totally broke becasue of a boy (not even Cody).

Anyways different me. Yesterday I laughed and not just you know laughed, but really laughed. I'm sorry to tell you if I have laughed at or with you in the past 3 months it was the laugh. Not a laugh. I laughed because of something Bryan did. Today I realized that is a slippery slop. Allowing your happiness to come from someone who's emotions flip on a dime is a bad idea. But even though that was my first Laugh, it is not the first time I have felt different.
I started spending time with LizD. That is good. I feel good with her.  I started helping Stephy with the wedding. That is good. I work more. good. I spend more nights alone at my house. good. I talked to the DeCoste's. good.

Please don't take this as "oh good, she is fine." I am better, but not perfect. I still get lows. So please don't think anything is 100% resolved. But it is smoothing over.

one drop

One drop
That's all it took.
It didn't solve anything.
It made you feel worse.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Two drops
That's what it takes
It never makes you feel better.
But you go back to it anyways.
But one drop
Hooked you.
Three drops
That's what you need.
It could kill you she says
But in your darkest hour
all it takes
is
one
Drop
.

Happy Mother's Day

In my life time I have had a lot of Mother's. But I only have one real Mom. This lady.....if you know her you know she is pretty great! So even though I am eternally greatful for all my other Mother's, to day this post is just for her.

Dear Mom,
It's been tough. But tough has made me into what I am today. I know some times we don't agree, we don't see eye to eye. I know you think I am crazy, but I think you are too. But what are daughters for if not to make you question your sanity? You are a good woman, the best. And you have always been my best friend. You always have been and you always will be. Thank you for excepting me, I know my decisions aren't always good. But I am learning, and it means the world to me that you watch me learn and realize that even though you think it is wrong, it is my life to live. Some day I will have a daughter of my own, and I pray she is just like me, just a bit smarter when it comes to crazy guys. Because if she is just like me, that mean's that I am just like you. I couldn't ask for a better Mother. Happy Mother's Day Momma. I am glad you finally found a place and a person that makes you happy. I can't think of someone who deserves it more.
I love you.
P.S. these are post cards sent to a blog that I read. I think that they express how I feel just as well if not better than I can.

these last Ladies are the other Mother's. I couldn't do it with out you guys. I love you too

 

 

I love you

I love you is a crowded phrase.
You say it all the time. It's meaning is different when said to different people.
Sometimes it is fake.
Sometimes it is real.
And some times it is both.
When we were together you told me that you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if you felt it for me, Then that must be how it felt.
I told you I loved you too.
I know now That I didn't.
I know now that I did.
I loved you that was no lie.
When we broke up you told me that you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if you felt it for me, Then I must be crazy.
I told you I loved you too.
I know know that I did.
I know know that I didn't
I loved you that was no lie.
When you told me the truth about you and my best friend you told me you loved me.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But if that was how you showed it, I wanted no part of it.
I told you I love you too.
I know know that I didn't.
I know know that I did.
I loved you that was no lie.
When i told you I had to go for  little while I told you that I loved you.
I wasn't sure how real love felt.
But I felt it for you, and I knew you felt it for me.
I know now that love is changing.
I know know that love stays the same.
I loved you that was no lie.
I know know that my love for you was always the same.
Sometimes it was real.
Sometimes it was fake.
I say it all the time,it's meaning is different in different situations.
I love you is a crowded phrase.

I lied

Ok so I said I was done. But truthfully I don't know what I want anymore.
I thought since I never posted, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I just stopped. But when I didn't have the option, I realized how much this blog means to me. So I am still here. It might not be often, but I will try.

If you have been a part of my life in the past 9 months you will know a few things.
1. I fell in love.
2. It didn't last.
3. He is now in love with the girl I thought was my best friend.
4. She plays with his heart but doesn't love him back.
5. I am the one who holds him together.
It has all been pretty shitty. The worse part is that I never got a chance to get over him. It was only a few days after we broke up that I found out about what had happened between him and Brinae. I was immediately thrown into the savior position. You guys all know how well I maintain sanity in that position.
So I did what I always do, I tried to save the unsaveable.

I got burnt out. And once again, Super T (with a little help from her side kick and main man KC) saved me. They drove down to the bridge, swept me up in a wave of emotion, and told me what a stupid ass I am being. I appreciate them for that. But this time it's different.

Here's the main difference. Even though it would be easiest to walk away, This time I won't. You see this time (even though I know everyone of you don't believe me) it's different. Maybe it's because I actually thought I loved Bryan. Maybe it is because I am sick of being alone, maybe it's because I am a gluten for punishment, or maybe it's because I have too big of a heart. Or maybe just maybe it's because I have found someone who is as good of a friend to me as I am to them.

I know you have all heard the stories. And if you haven't well then sorry that you don't understand. But I can be every bit as manipulative to him as he is to me. you see that's life. No one is perfect. Everyone has needs and sometimes when you need something the most is when your ugly side comes out. I am a moody bitch at least 70% of the time. And even though I agree yes, in the past few months I have fallen off of my desired course. I don't believe it's because of a boy (well a little bit yeah). I think it is because I met that boy and I realized I don't know who I am or what I want. And then I started trying to figure it all out. And I still haven't figured it out yet.

To tell you the truth, Bryan wasn't the cause of this break down. Since I have been in a state of break down since I got home from my summer of closure. This is life. I mean sometimes it is ugly. Sometime people do things you don't expect them to do, sometimes the heart changes in a blink of an eye. Some time some one you hated can be the only person you wish you could love.

This great rescue number two has taught me a couple of things already.
1.  I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
2. My goals have gone by the way side and I need to get them back on track.
3. Sometimes when you feel like they won't understand, you are right, but you still need to let them in.
4. Running away can only give you clarity, it solves nothing, because one day you have to go back.
5. I don't want to run away, I want to stick through it.
6. Feelings, no matter how many time you deny them being there, stay until you deal with them and let them go.
7. There are parts of me that I lost that I don't think will ever come back.
8. You always need you Mom no matter what age.
9. When everything is falling apart around you, someone elses world is falling apart to.

I don't think I am as stupid as I was with Cody. I can see the differences. And maybe I will keep living this until I have grown enough to not have to live it again. Maybe God gives you people who push you to your breaking point so that he can lengthen that point. Maybe, God knew that I could do it this time, and that's why when he gave me a difficult friend like Bryan he made him so amazing. So that when I am on the other side, stronger, better, happier, I am not alone this time. Because I will get on the other side. I always do.

Life is hard. Look at your own lives. They haven't been amazing 100% of the time. Because we are human and humans are ruled by their emotions. The good ones and the bad.

I'm still here. I'm still fighting.

Good Byes

Well my Blogger Fan base
I guess this has been a long time coming but I got to break some news to you.
I retire.
Yup This blog has been good to me, but as I am sure you know it's not where my heart is anymore.
To a degree I think that is a good thing.
So this will be my last post. I don't plan on shutting this blog down. Mostly because I don't know how.
It has been a good run, I have loved almost every minute of it.
If you want to know about my day to day life well you can do a few things.
Call me.....if you don't have my number that will be a bit hard.
email me once again you need to have my email.
Or add me on FB Cathy Coppin!
So long Blog I have loved you a long time

It was a bad idea to tell you I loved you:

It's been over two week since I have been alone. Hard to believe? Well for more than two weeks I have had Bryan with me 24/7. Literally. We ate, slept, went to school,cried,laughed,played final fantasy13 together always. Today I went to brunch with his sister and his mom and him. Easter brunch. It was nice. Then he dropped me off at home. I'm alone. Weird. All this time I thought being alone would actually be nice. I was wrong! nope good old brain stopped me from enjoying the time to myself. See a month ago I broke up with Bryan. I was pretty sure I had finally found someone who loves me. I was pretty sure I loved him. But we broke up. However events that have unfolded since that day have stopped me from dealing with this fact. We broke  up. He is going on a date tonight. And it hurts to say the least. I have tried to move on, I have met a couple  of guys. None of which interest me. No one is as attractive or as funny. And that sucks too. I want to love someone who shares those feelings. Lucky for me that is rarely the case. So here I sit, waiting to hear how this date goes. From my best friend, who I have not had a chance to get over yet.

Changes

So it has become brutally obvious that I need a bit of change.
I'm writing again. That's a good sign. Writing has always been dear to me. It really is the only thing I love doing. For months there I would get on this trusty lap top of mine, and my mind would be blank. I would close the entry and go to Bryan's house.

First thing that needed to change, Bryan and I.
I'm not really sure why but I am always at Bryan's house. We don't do anything there, well he plays video games. And I sit there usually quietly and watch. I don't like video games. Don't get me wrong I know they hold a place in every man's heart. That's fine. I don't mind playing a game or two.......after an hour I get bored. So anyways Bryan's house, is more like my house.
I hate just sitting there.
How extremely boring!
But it has just become habit.
Get done school get on the bus go to Bryan's. Get done work get on the bus go to bryan's.
New plan.
Go home.
There is a lot better things to do here then there.
And I don't feel like a burden here.
And with my new roomies, there's always something to do.
So Change number one.
Go home. Unless there is a scheduled activity going on at Bryan's.

The window

The window was like a picture frame.
The world passed by her.
First slowly, almost unnoticeable.
Then Quicker
Now it's a blur.
Inside the house it was like a black hole.
Nothing changed, it only got darker.
Inside the house was safe however.
There were warm arms to hold her, and idea's to sustain her.
She began to forget how the window made her feel.
After a while the blur outside didn't even matter.
One day she looked up.
And there it was, the world.
Suddenly she remembered why she loved to look out the window.
A pair of warm arms wrapped around her.
She looked into his eyes, and then out the window again.
She pulled away.
He protested.
Her heart broke.
She picked up her things and put them in a small bag.
And walk out of the door.
The window was like a picture frame.
He looked out it and watch her pass him by.
She never looked though the window again, she lived.

life

So I am single.
WOOT!
Yeah, more like this.
Fight.
Argue.
Anger.
Frustration.
he finally stopped lieing to me and told me he wants to be with Bri.
You think I would be more mad but that honesty lead to this.
Understanding.
Forgiveness.
Friendship.
Support.
I must be some kind of wonderful for this, that or completely retarded.
I want to lean to some kinda wonderful.
I am fine.
He is not.
But being single is weird.
So I'm going on a blind date.......I think.
Well it's not so blind since I creeped him on Facebook. Technology it takes all the surprise out of dating.
He is a cowboy I think.....not usually my thing.
But it's just a date, I kinda just want to have fun.
Scratch that, not kinda, I just want to have fun.
Bryan broke me. I am 21 and I am ready to date.
Since I have stopped going to church I have realized something about dating. It is A LOT easier.
I can date anyone I want. And they only have to meet my standards. Not that it is easy to meet my standards. It actually might be harder than meeting the church standards. But back to my main point. I can date anyone.
Cowboy
Artist
Musician
Writer
ANY ONE!
And I don't have to marry them! I can just date them. Because I am only 21........what a weird way to think!
On another note I moved again!
SURPRISE!
I moved in with my GBFF Ben. and our Friend Kirsten.
It is so great.
I have a family, right here now.
I can be me, and have no jugdements.
This living situation fits me very well.
I might acutally say that I feel happy.
I feel happy.
Now I just need to figure out the rest of my life.........but I am sure that won't happen any time soon.

What do I say

Well this has been the worst week I have had in a long time. Funny how the worst weeks can remind you how to live.....

I got into a car accident. I'm fine. I backed up into a truck door. Luckly it was driven by a 19 year old boy who was rather chill about his shitty truck having a huge dent in the door. And I quote "As long as I can lock this peice of shit, that's all that matters" He desided there was no need to go through insureance. So what would have cost me over $1200 dollars, only cost me $600. $600 is still a lot but it is A LOT less than $1200. So I paided the man. Thank the lord for student loans! But it was the foreshadowing to rhe rest of my week.

I then broke up with Bryan........yeah. We both desided it would be the best thing for both of us to just be friends. And not friends that make out and hold hands. Just friends. The whole relationship really had both of us thrown. It's funny how by just putting a label on something you can completely ruin it. But then again, eventually label or no label one of use would have screwed it up. Even though it was a mutual decition, it still hurt to lose him. Luckily we broke up on a Friday, so I had the weekend to get over it. I just had to miss a few days of work.

So I called in to work on Saturday morning. My Grandma went to the hospital, I didn't think breaking up with your boyfirend and not being able to handle life was a good enough excuss. Sunday rolled around and it turns out I was suppose to go in that day too. But I missed it. When I found out I missed a shift I was set into histerics. I threw some keys across a room I think, I mostly just remember crying. Apperently I wasn't as ok as I had thought.

But today is Monday, and I think I actually have a grip on things. I had a good honest talk with Bryan. It's weird but it took breaking up with him to be able to actually be honest with him. I got a good nights rest, my homework was all finished before the break up so I don't fail at that! And I feel good.

See I think at the beggining of this school year, I started finding out who I really was. Then I met Bryan, I desided that being with him would make it so I didn't have to find out. And that would be a lot easier. I would just be who ever he made me into. I see now that I need to figure out who I am, before I can include someone else in it.

Lesson Learned. Looks like all the crappy events turn out ok in the end. And so do I. But I was never really worried that I wouldn't make it through. And if I was, well I know I have all you.

back by popular demand

wow......you guys love me! I think that was the most comments I have gotten on a blog post in a while. ok ok so I am back!

So remember Troy Reeb and his Global National internship? Handed mine in, go a 92% that doesn't secure me an interview but I have a pretty good shot!
I guess all that stressing paid off.
Really school is 90% stress 10% socializing. And it gets kind of taxing after a while! The second semester has got me full of questions. Is print really the best field for me? I mean grades wise they all even out. But there is very little Print Journalism classes in the first year, none this semester. So I don't know, do I want to stay in Print or change into either Broadcast or Ad PR. I guess I have a few more months to think on it. Until then I will continue to run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Filming and recording and writing and digging up stories.

School I feel like all I have to talk about right now is school, it is my entire life. I am even dating a little part of school. Didn't realize I loved it so much did you?

But since school is such a LARGE part of my life these days I thought I would share a bit of my work! stay tuned for a few of my videos, photos, and posters.

P.S. Thanks to all my readers (even the ones that are bound to me by blood) for sticking around through my dry spell. I am going to try harder! I swear.

sunday morning

Hey there blog land!
Missed you guys...
First off, I'm alive! I always hated on people who got me hooked to their blogs and then didn't write much for a long time. I no longer feel that way. When life gets busy the blog takes the back burner.
But I'll put you on the front for the next 20 minutes to tell you whats been up in my life.

Item number one.
this is my new BF...........................it's kind of a bad pic. I still think he's cute! Formally known as B-Ry. But now will be called Bryan. Since that's his name. and I am sure no one will stalk him just because I put a picture up and called him by his real name. But you never know.....anyways hearts this boy (man).

Item number two.
I bet you guy want to know what happen? why did he change his mind? Well it is not a romantic story. Not really. Kind of. ok here I am going to make it romantic.
I finally got tired of his excuses, so I went to his house and said choose all of me or none of me.
Bryan: "ok I will think about it".
Me: "NO. It's been three months, it's now or never."
Bryan: "I just feel pressured."
Me: "Yeah, but you shouldn't and if you do that's your answer."
Bryan: " Fine that's my answer."
He walked away. I went to J's house and cried......Thank goodness for J and his huge shoulder to cry on.
He texted me, "can you come back over so we can talk more?"
"No, I have said all that needed to be said"
"I didn't get to talk though."
"fine. But can you call me I am at J"
blah blah blah....we talked, he said he didn't want to lose me. He asked me on a date, we went out for dinner. I told him before the date that after the date I needed an answer, yes or no. He pulled up to my house, and asked me.
Ok so it wasn't romantic even when I tried to make it. Really it was a rough day. but since then things have been great.

item three,
I am looking for yet another house. This time with Bri and Chlo. Unfortunately the have never lived on there own. So they don't really get how it is going to be. this makes me weary. Also Chlo has no job, and Bri works one day a week. That makes me even more weary. Bri is not to happy with my lack of enthusiasm about the move. I tried to tell her it's because I have moved close to 8 times this year. Or that I didn't really have the money. But it looks like it's time to have a real sit down about this with her. Chlo has no idea whats going on since she is not even in the province.....and hasn't been for a while.  moral of the story, as much as I want to move in with them I am not going to jump into a situation where I get screwed.

there is many more items to discuss, but I have to run to my latest 3 hour shift at work! woot! I will try to do better blog land. stay tuned!

need a love song?

Wow I am horrid at this

So New Year! Doesn't that mean I should be a better blogger?? I guess not since its eleven days in and this is my first post. I bet you guys are feeling like you don't know me anymore.

Well new year means I am ready to be a bit new myself. For the past couple of months writing here has been a waste of time. Since I didn't feel like I could say what’s really going on in my life. I was afraid of the judgments. By the people who thought they knew me the best. And yes my current life changes (which aren't really that big! I am the same person. I just don't go to church anymore) may be frowned upon by members of my family, hell maybe even by readers. But I don't really care anymore. I don't really expect anyone to understand why I went from what I was to what I am now. However, I do expect them to see that for once I feel right. And happy. WHAT!? You could be happy without going to church?? Yes you can.

For once I don't hurt. I am not crying. I am smiling and having fun.........and well it's hard to go back after you finally feel good again. SO whether you think it is right or not, this blogger has taken a new direction. And so will this blog. If you don't want to hear about it then don't read.

So the boy. I am sure you are all dying to know about it. We were on and off and half way there and not ever going there. I think in the past I 1) painted him in bad shades of grey. And 2) didn't really tell anyone how I really felt about him.
I really like this one. Like a lot. He really likes me to. A lot a lot.
And yes he has down falls (Don't you?) but nothing I can't live with.......well it does drive me crazy that he is always itchy and begs for back scratches all the time!....but a small price to pay.
I asked him to dinner with my parents the other day. This turned into “coffee” and a car ride. Coffee with my Mother (who is for the most part good about keeping plans) and a car ride with both of them (because my step Dad....well I don't think he could make solid plan if his life depended on it). I really enjoyed it. It symbolized a whole new level of being adult. Never before has a boy met my parents.
No you all must be thinking "Oh, so you are in a relationship!"
Think again. That would be too easy.
Nope still single.......sort of single.
We aren't seeing other people. We spend all our time together.......but no commitment.
That bugged me for a while. But I got over it. The label isn't going to change how either of us feel. So I guess I can wait it out. PLUS when you are not official, openly enjoying other men is still legal!
I do realize that works both ways..........

School..........wow has that lost its novelty. I mean it's hard! All this work! All these 8 am classes! But I will push through. I think I just need to get off the holiday hump. That will probably happen right around the time reading week is. So I will then have a whole week to recoup from the past month and a half of 8 am classes! There is nothing worse than 8 am classes NOTHING! Not even death. Actually at 6:30 when my alarm clock goes off death seems pleasant. lol.
My old group of friends has been rather torn apart. The thing with my program this year is it's really big! So it's kind of divided into two groups. We all had lecture classes together, but that’s about it. This semester I was put into the other group. So I am lacking in the close buds department. I mean JessMcMurry is in most of my classes. But pre Christmas break drama has made our friendship next to nothing.
Beau Foe is in a few.....love him. But he is a slacker and misses most classes.
Bri has dropped a handful of classes and is preparing to drop the program.
And as for Z well he is lost in other program group land.....the land I should be in but am not.
Oh right and then there's BRy who has 4 classes 3 with me......3 out of 10 isn't a lot.
So looks like school will be more about work than friends this semester. Oh well. I still love it even if it's hard.

My new house is kind of like a graveyard. It is dead most days, and the occasional person will wonder through it. I am rarely home, LeahN is rarely home, new girl might be home but if so she is in her room, and Eron rarely home. I often wish I could kick everyone out and fill it with people that would come home. Or that is was entirely mine. I could have whoever I wanted over when ever. A girl can only dream. In fact the saddest part is that we are still not unpacked fully. There is still no dishes in the cup boards....boxes still litter the place. Nothing is in place, if feels like everyone is just waiting for the next place to go. I haven't looked yet but I don't know how much longer I will be there. For now it is fine. A place to sleep, and make my chicken nuggets! lol.

Well my beloved blog readers, I finally did it. I made it through a whole post! It's feels nice to get some of this off my back! I hope I can post more soon. I think this will be good the new honesty in my blog!